That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...
Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.
So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.
What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?
So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....
I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...