The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[xstang77]

So since my last posting here...i called, we talked. Then she came over and we had one last rodeo...she asked for it. I felt like **** after and underperformed. This was two days ago. Yesterday I called again and we talked for a while. This morning i called again to say good morning....now i will be going full NC with nothing additional left to say or ask.

Day 1

Atleast you got one last hoorah in,at this point I just wanna hate **** mine then kick her out back to her new bf.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 28

4 weeks in and here we are. I feel blessed to have had this life changing experience. I would never have set myself on this path of self improvement and self transcendence had the break up not occurred.

Seeing her last night effected me way more than I expected. It literally took me back to the first week of NC. Couldn't' eat. Couldn't sleep. But I realise it just means I really did love her. The night is darkest before the dawn. This just the weather passing through and emotions being flushed out. If walking away was easy everyone would do it. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I know my value. She is nothing.

So what's next? Life

 

[Carpathian]

Just got a message from my ex - first contact from her in over two months:
"I couldn't let this day go by without wishing a very happy birthday to the Birthday Boy. Hope you have a special day. Lots of love <her name> xxx" followed by lots of emoticons.

Needless to say, I am completely ignoring it. I am not even going to reply "thankyou" which is actually not like me at all, I'm a very polite man. There was not "lots of love" when the b!tch dumped me for no reason [again]. And my current lady is much better than her and more stable and predictable. I still have some feelings for the ex but she can fukk off.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@BeTheChange (and everyone to whom this may apply) make sure you have well thought out and current multi-step plans, with multiple options, for how you will respond and what you will specifically do, to take care of yourself, if/when she shows up knocking on your door, trying to seduce you, or begging to talk, or crying uncontrollably, or raging angry. You may never need it. Best to create well thought out plans ahead of time. No matter how solid and clear one may feel right now in this moment, such scenarios can challenge a person more than they ever imagined. I am not suggesting this to stir fear in any way. I am advocating self care via thoughtful preparation in advance followed by congruent actions, should such challenges ever arise.

 

[BeTheChange]

Thanks @LiveYourDream . Having a multi-step multi-scenario plan sounds like a good idea. I'm going to ponder on this later. I actually don't think she will come around any time soon as she seems to be having fun in the single life now and she may have painted me black for all I know (if she is indeed BPD). Assuming she does I think I've had too much of an epiphany concerning the message it sends to yourself and the woman if you ever accept her back straight away or to even entertain the idea.

I've been feeling kind of down ever since I saw her to be honest but trying to keep myself upbeat by working through my To Do List. Can't work out if this sinking feeling in my stomach is related to her or just general post holiday blues. Hope it's the latter as I don't fancy this kind of mood swing every single time I happen to catch a glimpse of my ex - she moved a minute's walk away after she moved out (her choice not mine). Need to stay positive as I don't want to be mopey during my date tonight.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@BeTheChange--If you can, get outside and/or go be physical (workout, run, etc). At the least go take a walk outside for 10-15 minutes now, before your date. You may be surprised how that may help line you back up in you.

 

[BeTheChange]

You know what's funny. I actually met my ex 3 days after being officially LJBF by a Spanish girl I'd been trying to hook up with for over a month. It actually hurt more than it should have to be honest. More of an ego thing since she expressed interest in my friend. That was on the Thursday and I remember at that time I was studying quite a lot and didn't really go out much more. That day I sat down and forced myself to find something to do on the Saturday to get me out the house. The Saturday night was when I met my ex girlfriend. We stayed together 3 years.

Point is if you experience failure just get yourself out there. No telling what is round the corner.

 

[xstang77]

Funny a lot of us are getting contacted by them since we've been nc for months, ho's must be thinking Summer's nearing the end and there gonna need more then being slutty to get through winter lol.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 29

Hooked up with a tinder date last night. Was good fun, but stirred up thoughts and memories of the ex. I kept making comparisons between her and my ex and was acutely aware of where she didn't marry up to the image of the ex that I have in my head. To be honest, I am still not over her, but I must learn to walk alone.

I've cancelled a few other dates I had planned this week and next because either these chicks don't meet my physical criteria for anything other than a ONS, have too much baggage (e.g. not over the ex boyfriends) or red flags indicating poor character. Just banging these girls with no regard for seeing them again isn't going to give me what I need to get over my ex.

I need to look at a girl and actually feel like I want to spend time with her for more than a night, without having to compromise on my standards. It might take a little bit more patience but I believe it will be worth the wait.

 

[BeTheChange]

Every post tells a story. I want to look back on my own series of thoughts.

Good for you and thanks. That's the funny thing about this site. It's easy for us to give advice but very difficult to receive it, especially in relation to someone we have such a significant emotional investment in. No doubt you loved this woman and letting go is not easy. I dare say it's even harder for us to let go than it is for our partners (especially if they are indeed on the BPD spectrum) even though we are red pill, because somewhere down the line we convinced ourselves that NAWALT in relation to our exes and let our guard down. We failed to protect our hearts. Rollo's War Brides post has quite an interesting take on why women can detach emotionally if necessary.

bradd, one of the reasons why I am so hard on you in my posts is because I see a lot of myself and my own weaknesses in relation to my ex in you. On being tough with you I am forcing myself to live up to a certain standard - if not I would be the biggest hypocrite on sosuave. The fact you are moving on and enjoying the company of other women is a massive positive. Enjoy it and know that on this road to recovery you are not alone.

 

[Carpathian]

I posted yesterday - on my birthday - that she sent me a Happy Birthday message the first I have heard from her since start of June (she dumped me end of March). I ignored this message.
Well, I saw her last night in the same diner. I went with my family to celebrate my birthday and she was there with a friend of hers. She had her back to me but I got eye contact from her friend who knows me well so she must have told my ex I was in there. I can't help but feel she was in there in case I came in - she knows I go there lots. This is the first time I have seen her in person for over three months and I am very happy that I felt great, this did not knock me off balance and I have no hang-ups about seeing her. Three months ago seeing her upset me because I was missing her terribly. But now it does not. I'm happy, I have a better woman and life is good for me, thanks be. I do not need her and her erratic, unpredictable behavior upsetting me and my life.

 

[BeTheChange]

Three months ago seeing her upset me because I was missing her terribly.

This seems to be my problem. When I came back from Italy on Tuesday I felt so centred. I had genuinely forgiven her and felt a sense of indifference. But just seeing her for 10 seconds on that evening, not even 30 minutes after I got home, really seems have shook me. She looked so beautiful in that moment. It's so frustrating because I genuinely thought I was over the hump. I can't quite place the emotion but whatever it is, isn't going away. She is on my mind again constantly.

I need some help to get rid of this. I've lost my appetite and have this perpetual ache in my chest. I tell myself that she is a poor human being and that I am doing myself a disservice by still allowing her to have this power over my emotional state after almost a month but it either doesn't work or its impact is incredibly temporary. I even had to take a bathroom break at work this morning just to have a cry. I physically broke down in tears in the disabled toilets. You could not make this up.

Can't seem to shake this feeling and it is really getting me down.

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange She was your sexual partner who you loved and cherished at one time. You spent a long time with her, loved her and shared many great experiences together, despite bouts of turmoil you've discussed in your story. You are not going to get over this woman quickly, especially with her being BPD and that effect on you. Don't beat yourself up about it brother. It is the same with me too. We will never look at them as just a "woman" ever again. At one point you/me loved them and they were "our" women we adored and loved. Strange isn't it that our seeing them takes us back to the happy times with? It never seems to take us back to the horrible times. We look at the past through rose-tinted glasses. But these glasses conceal reality and they lie to us. Understand this brother.

These feelings cannot just be turned off quickly or overnight. It will take time, maybe many more months. Maybe years. I may (probably will) have a relapse too at some point. I do miss her still, her laugh, her smile, sex with her.... But I do not miss her unpredictable, mean behaviors. Maybe my finding a level-headed, sane, intelligent and beautiful new woman-friend in the five months since the ex dumped has helped me get over the ex better. But I feel good that I dealt with last night's situation the way I did.

Hang in there brother.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Carpathian

Thanks brother. I will get through this. The darkness has past and I seem to be ok again now. There are and will continue to be ups and downs, no doubt, but overall I am happier now than at the beginning of this journey. I have faced worst crisis in my life and overcome them.

Through the clouds I can see the sun.

 

[BeTheChange]

Sometimes it takes a moment of clarity to really put things in perspective.

Have I lost my job? Nope.

Am I financially worse off? Nope! In fact she paid towards the Italy trip she never went on and already paid me rent in advance, before she had her meltdown and moved out (Thanks babe! Haha!)

I still have my health.

I still have my family.

I still have my friends.

I still have my looks, confidence and game since I never stopped improving myself physically in the gym and still gamed girls from time to time

Has this been a life changing and necessary learning experience? Hell yes. I would never have been the great man I am destined to be if not for this event.

What have a I really lost here?

Love and attention, which we know was a mirage. I can get the more healthy kind from a better adjusted woman.

A toxic psycho of an LTR, who is doomed to repeat her make up break up BPD cycles for the next ten to twenty years unless she wises up (doubtful).

That is it. That is actually ALL I have "lost".

Hmmmmm....not quite the soul-destroying loss we consider it to be!

There will be down days, as with any relationship but honestly this IS still one of the best thing that ever happened to me.

Big Sean put it best:

I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic
Then you post it up, thinkin' that its makin' me sick
I see you calling, I be makin' it quick
I'mma answer that sh*t like: "I don't f*ck with you"
B*tch I got no feelings to go
I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go
I mean for real, f*ck how you feel
F*ck your two cents if it ain't goin' towards the bill, yeah
And everyday I wake up celebratin' sh*t, why?
Cause I just dodged a bullet from a crazy b*tch
I stuck to my guns, that's what made me rich
That's what put me on, that's what got me here
That's what made me this

 

[xstang77]

Just saw my ex's car driving by on my way home with probably her new man driving it,still hit me like a wrecking ball....if karma could step in any time now that'd be great.

 

[Asmodeus]

That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...

Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.

So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.

What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?

So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....

I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...

 

[Asmodeus]

^Nevermind... Just being a fvcking pvssy @$$ b!tch there for a post. A bit too much booze and $hit. Do not mind...

 

[xstang77]

That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...

Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.

So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.

What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?

So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....

I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...

I know this indifference stage you speak of,I'm at the same page on what's the point of even talking to her...just more bull**** and empty promises. This helps us stay nc, they say drunk words are sober thoughts my friend,were only human for the most part.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...

Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.

So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.

What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?

So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....

I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...

Never seen your knees buckle like this Asmodeus - never even knew you were in a NC scenario. Listen man, you're an elite poster around here and are usually one of those lifting others up, not one of those needing to be carried. You are entitled to a day like this once in a while and I encourage you to embrace it, not to supress it. Do not feel the need to brush it off after like it was fake. What you felt was real.

I really can't stand the "life coach" approach that life is all wine and roses. We all are alone at times. Facing it intoxicated hurts like hell. Facing it sober is sometimes worse because the pain is so real. You'll bury your face in your hands and feel pain, regret, and confusion pulse through your veins. This is normal. Life is not one long vacation. I believe the vast majority of people spend most of their lives navigating and plowing through a light-moderate depression. Of course if this becomes perpetual, seek help, but I'm not worried about this with you.

Read my posts from 2013. They were a pathetic display of helplessness from the demon who sent me here. Hell, read my posts from just this June (a mere 2 months ago.) They are objectively less pathetic but as it was post-red pill but I was still pining for her big time on my bday. A few days later I trashed some furniture in my house but guess what, I'm better now than I was then and really don't feel the need to talk about her or ask questions anymore.

Go easy on yourself big fella. You are a beast.