trulycrushed
Don Juan
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- Jul 12, 2012
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Day 15.
RedScorpion said:Thanks Skalioppe, drellum. It sucks. Definitely sucks. I'm at the point where my justification, anger has subsided substantially. There's feelings of regret, sadness, disappointment. I feel bad. If there was any chance of it working, I've shot myself in the foot and then hacked it off preventing it. If there was an opportunity, I feel like I messed it up. Even though logically I can see where she's had a good chance to advance it. We'd be friendly, everything good. I would figure, good chance to get friendlier, Then either she'd ignore me and I'd ignore her in response, or she'd flirt with some random guy (doesn't matter if they're good looking or old and fat, like when are you going to take me shooting *flirt*(like he's 40, has a bit of a belly, good guy but yeah. And not just him but other random old, bigger guys, that she wouldn't even know well, among everyone else)). I'd be like 'wtf... k', then I'd be distant next time I see her, then she'd be distant to me in immediate response. Starts flirting with everyone, no matter who. Ignored each other for a month. Then she texted me asking to help on house. All this happened last time I saw her currently. I wasn't too friendly seeing her next (after texting me she was 'worried' about my engaged friend), she smiled big at me, I wasn't feeling it, half-smile back, she becomes snotty at me. I debate for a bit what to do, while she flirts again with everyone. Which hardens my resolve to say "See ya". Happens everytime. Worst is I scam myself back into the cycle, because by the point she's all nice and stuff, I feel good, in control, emotions not all out of whack. So I say, why not. So dumb. Not my fault precisely, but enough of it to give me control of this cycle. And putting myself into it. The worst is everytime I feel to trust her, I see the red flags (flirting with others) and I'm like... do I choose to withstand the stress or not? And eventually I pull back, she notices (even if I'm just trying to pass it as being quiet), she pulls back, ignore for awhile, and somehow we become friendly again few weeks down the road.
If I had to guess why she does this, why we're in this cycle, I'd say it's a few things. I think she likes knowing guys want her. Especially married or committed ones. When she knows they'll go up to the point of sleeping with them, checkmark, onto the next one. Single guys aren't omitted either for sure. With me, well, I really wish it was a game because she likes me or some other bs. That's what I'd love to believe. But, I think the only reason she comes back is because she hasn't figured me out. Or at least not responding the way she wants me to. And I like her, because I haven't figured her out. If there's any advantage currently, it's that I snapped the connections when she was last snotty to me. More chance of her thinking I did it because "Her: Maybe I was a *****" than "He's just moody as hell with me". Which the latter would be closer to the truth haha. All hopeful thinking though, from thinking that she actually cares.
So this post is more of a vent. Really glad I wrote it, learned some stuff just rereading it.This is why I need to maintain no contact. To break this cycle. Even if part of me doesn't want to, in some perverse way. Meet new women, that's the key I know. Day 9.
Skalioppe said:61 days NC, here's a frank post about my NC so far....
Ok, so I've done the original poster's challenge of 60 days. How do I feel two months on? Well there have been moments along the way where I've felt good, resolute and strong, and there have been weak moments where I've been very tempted to contact her to see if she was OK (you see, my ex is bipolar and does reach extreme depressive lows). Fortunately I haven't.
She contacted me twice during this period and I ignored both, once about a week in, then about a month in. She sounded very sad about it all both times, and if I'm honest, it did make me feel great for about 3 days before it wore off. It was the validation that I had left a vacuum in her life which I once filled and that she was hurting too, in her case possible more so. I have felt a bit sad that she gave up trying to contact me, but it's understandable given I've ignored her. It must be quite humiliating for a women who used to have you on tap now getting ignored and stone-walled with silence. I suppose they just accept the situation with sadness and carry on.
Am I fully cured? Honestly? No. It hasn't been the magic bullet fix and strangely, I've wanted to contact her quite a lot this last week in particular, but on average I think the intensity of the yearning has become much much less. Most of all I think my thoughts about everything, particularly "us", have become far more balanced and rational.
Sixty days has made me consider her pros and cons more objectively and where things went wrong. So although she can be fvcked up, my NC period has made me reassess things in a clearer light. My ex is a very sweet person and a lot of the blame as to why we aren't together lay in my hands - as I wouldn't commit to something really serious. It was very much on my terms and very much a hedonistic "take it when I wanted it, leave it when I didn't". I think all she wanted was security. Yet my ex was very self absorbed and skewed by her bipolar condition. As is typical of women she wanted to talk about herself, her needs and her woes far more frequently than a balance should be and she could be fickle as fvck. One minute doting, affectionate, sexual as hell, the next distant, illogical or over-thinking some trivial thing I did or didn't do.
I think in my situation I often question whether or not a friendship outweighs complete loss, you see we were very close before hooking up and in many ways I miss that friendship a great deal. But by the opposite token, I think she needs a huge amount of emotional support and becoming that role again is a massive burden, especially if coupled with her being in another guy's castle - i.e. all the hassle and none of the benefits - fvck that. Some might say these thoughts sounds weak, and if it were at the start of NC I would totally agree, but I know this is a far more rational thought now, a lot clearer, logical and consolidated through NC, that I can totally guarantee. Not marred by manipulation or control sullied by the addictive cycle of contact. But for me contacting her again is a double edged sword and in many ways total separation could be the lesser of two evils, so I think I'll stick with NC right now.
So, do I recommend trying to reach 60 days? Yes! I think it's actually quite a cathartic experience and it does rebuild many damaged aspects that you are feeling from the early days of NC. It allows you to focus on you and the repair of you, and also prevents you from becoming a crutch to your ex whilst she looks for other c0ck. You see, a lot of women need male support in their lives (especially in-between relationships) and will manipulate men (often consciously but also I believe unconsciously) to get that. It bolsters their fragile fvcked up emotional egos, knowing someone out there - perhaps other than their significant other - supports them, obsesses about them, considers them the Princess they think they should be or is there at the drop of a hat or with a little girlie voiced flirty request. Unlike men, who are governed by a logical persuasion in the decision making department, woman are slave to emotions and are lost when you remove yourself from that emotional knight in shining armour support role in their life - I truly believe it can send cataclysmic shock waves through their psyche. I'm a firm believer NC can trigger the one thing in their mind that they listen to - their emotions - and they are forced to reflect on what you meant to them in a far more profound way. Through losing you, they finally realise your true value to them. The old saying "you only appreciate someone's worth when they are gone" is as true a statement as you'll ever hear. Yes, NC may not help you and your ex get back together, but your true value to her will finally be palpable, and you'll both realise that through the NC process.
Just my penny's worth. Keep up the NC!
You can do it, if you think strong and don't fall foul to temptation. I think 60 days is a good milestone, enough time to get over the worst of the pain and irrational behaviour you may have due to it. On another note, it is also a nice amount of time for your disappearance to have made its stamp in the mind of your ex - perhaps not to get her back, but your worth to her will be tangible.Cyclops1982 said:Skalioppe - thanks for your awesome last post (61 Days). So inspiring, it really gives us early dayers (only third way through on second attempt) something to aim for. Sounds so clear and rational and balanced, I can't wait to get to that point. There's hope!
Skalioppe said:I think 60 days is a good milestone, enough time to get over the worst of the pain and irrational behaviour you may have due to it. On another note, it is also a nice amount of time for your disappearance to have made its stamp in the mind of your ex - perhaps not to get her back, but your worth to her will be tangible.
Believe me when I say it: I do NOT wanna hang out with her when she got her new bf.Mauser96 said:Thank God for outside opinions, that is why we come here. Our OWN thinking gets clouded.
Reptile, you are simply looking for a reason to contact her! Trying to convince yourself of a good reason. So clear to me, but not to you. I've done the same.
Listen, you are actually asking us "I have gone non-contact.....but told her earlier that I may contact her someday....so should I contact her to clarify I won't be contacting her at all in the future?" Can you see how F4cked up this is? Good thing we have the brothas here watching our backs, because our own thinking and judgement gets so clouded.
DO NOT DO WHAT YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING
Mauser96 said:LOL, yeah they stick together like sh8t to an army blanket. After I broke up with my ex, her and her friends just hit the bars,m posting pics on FB (of which I was friends with them, so I could see) "Oh we are having so much fun, where are the men? Next bar".
Like little kids, they are. Wee children. I toasted all her friends off my FB after that stunt, hoping she would get the hint. So, a week later, she re-initiates contact and we are "back on" for a few days, then back to the games. I see now it is ALL a control issue.
Reptile said:Hey guys,
Quick question:
When I told my ex about 2 months ago that we're not gonna have any contact (NC), she asked "... but you will contact me sometime?" and I was stupid and said "Yes. Someday."
But I didn't mention WHEN, so, should I contact her soon and clear it up that I maybe not even gonna contact her in the future?
She's having a rebound with a guy from her workplace,
so she probably won't even contact me and I don't wanna get involved.
I understand what you say, and it makes sence.drellum said:Don't ever contact her again.
If she wants to speak to you in the future about reconciliation she will do so.
If that day ever comes - fine, if you then want that - fine.
If she doesn't, stay NC because there is nothing left to talk about!
D