The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[jgutta23]

what type of closure are you referring to?

 

[cgr68311]

cgr, think you didn't see a lot of red flags and allowed tons of drama in your love life.
You don't need that, only a fool would enjoy this situation and do nothing about it. You need to calm down, relax, hit the "reset" button and breathe. I know it's not easy but take it as a test of your own strength and raw will power. Only pulling your **** together you'll be able to have a healthy and comfortable relationship. And please, delete her number, facebook, txt, whatever you're tempted to use to reach her out. She's gone and now you are in charge of your life and take care of yourself. You're a grown man and am sure you can handle it properly. If you're tempted to contact her, post in the forum instead.

Is indirect NC allowed....i.e. post new date on my real FB (she knows about this FB page although she'd always contacted me via my fake one which I've shut down since) or through my wife's FB (not necessarily me appearing on new pic posts but just showing my family having a great time (ballet, etc.) which is something I did with her and her family also...

 

[joker79]

As I said before, I think you can handle this. My personal experience is that every attempt to directly or indirectly reach her out, every attempt to get a reaction from her, every action that might create a link between you and her (FB, whatsapp, instagram) will sabotage your healing journey and won't give you back what you want. I'm not saying you're not allowed to use FB and social networks, am saying don't use them to trigger her attention. Women can spot your game miles away, they smell it, they have been trained since their childhood to manipulate men and get what they want (security and provisioning) in exchange of nothing. I think you aren't in a position of merciless power and more importantly you need to detach yourself from this nightmare. I learnt this the hard way. But it is up to you, self-improvement or self-destruction. Stay strong. Be a man.

 

[Jariel]

I want to reiterate what joker says here. my ex was the sweetest girl in the world 48 hours before fvcking another guy.

I just went NC for 18 days and then in a moment of weakness broke NC. That was 48 hours ago and the girl who just a few short weeks ago was head over heels in love with me cant be bothered to reply to my message.

please trust me on this. silence is golden.

Yep, I thought my girlfriend was the sweetest and most genuine person I'd ever met too, but once things started falling apart I saw a very different side to her. So cold, so manipulative and uncaring.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, a woman is only loyal and respect towards a guy when her interest is high and she wants something from him. Regardless of your history and the intense love you once felt, when her interest drops, he becomes nothing more than a mere acquaintance.

 

[Jariel]

Looking for one last message to send? Try this...

I realise that a lot of guys here are looking to have the last word and no matter how much we advise going no contact, they can't help themselves. I was the same, but one thing I did right (and wished I'd never undone) was to send the perfect goodbye message.

"Look <name>, now that emotions have settled I just want you to know I hold no hard feelings. Things haven't been good between us for a while and I think breaking up is the right thing to do.

I hope you find the right man for you and find what you're looking for. To be truthful, there is someone I like and she's had feelings for me for a while so we're going to see see where it goes.

We had some good times and I wish you the best. Take care of yourself. x"

It sounds quite harsh, but it was my way of rolling with the punch, so to speak. It also let her know that I'm not available to act as a safety net for her and that her decision is final. It also leaves the question about whether I'd been seeing/flirting with this new girl in my life while we were together, and it all adds to the psychological impact and leaves her thinking about you. It basically showed her that I'm not dependent on her and I can move on with dignity and without drama because I'm a man of value and have options.

There was some truth to the other girl. Towards the end of the relationship I had been talking a lot to a girl who had feelings for me and was considering ending my relationship.

This message did have the effect I intended as I later found out she couldn't move on and couldn't stop thinking about me. I also managed to walk away with my dignity and power and hide the fact that I was actually really crushed by it. She did get in touch again after and poured out her feelings to me.

If I'd kept my cool, I could've had her in the palm of my hand, but I fvcked up! I lost my frame and gave up my power. I felt so much guilt over how I'd ended things and started to have doubts that maybe we could've lasted if I hadn't sent that message. So I tried to take it all back. I apologised and told her I didn't really mean it, how I really missed her and still loved her.

Then all of a sudden, she backed off again, found someone else and moved on!

Learn from my mistakes guys. Take that leap of faith! End the relationship with dignity and indifference, let her know she cannot come running back to you and then move on.

You have a better chance of winning her back if you end things like this and make it clear she's on her own, than if you leave the door open for her and allow her to string you along.

I still think No Contact and saying nothing is the best option overall, but if you must have the last word, make it look like the break up is to your benefit and you're cool with the decision. Don't play on it too much as it'll look transparent, but let her know you'll be fine with or without her.

And for fvcks sake, NEVER succumb to feelings of guilt or doubt yourself.

 

[cgr68311]

Looking for one last message to send? Try this...

I realise that a lot of guys here are looking to have the last word and no matter how much we advise going no contact, they can't help themselves. I was the same, but one thing I did right (and wished I'd never undone) was to send the perfect goodbye message.

"Look <name>, now that emotions have settled I just want you to know I hold no hard feelings. Things haven't been good between us for a while and I think breaking up is the right thing to do.

I hope you find the right man for you and find what you're looking for. To be truthful, there is someone I like and she's had feelings for me for a while so we're going to see see where it goes.

We had some good times and I wish you the best. Take care of yourself. x"

It sounds quite harsh, but it was my way of rolling with the punch, so to speak. It also let her know that I'm not available to act as a safety net for her and that her decision is final. It also leaves the question about whether I'd been seeing/flirting with this new girl in my life while we were together, and it all adds to the psychological impact and leaves her thinking about you. It basically showed her that I'm not dependent on her and I can move on with dignity and without drama because I'm a man of value and have options.

There was some truth to the other girl. Towards the end of the relationship I had been talking a lot to a girl who had feelings for me and was considering ending my relationship.

This message did have the effect I intended as I later found out she couldn't move on and couldn't stop thinking about me. I also managed to walk away with my dignity and power and hide the fact that I was actually really crushed by it. She did get in touch again after and poured out her feelings to me.

If I'd kept my cool, I could've had her in the palm of my hand, but I fvcked up! I lost my frame and gave up my power. I felt so much guilt over how I'd ended things and started to have doubts that maybe we could've lasted if I hadn't sent that message. So I tried to take it all back. I apologised and told her I didn't really mean it, how I really missed her and still loved her.

Then all of a sudden, she backed off again, found someone else and moved on!

Learn from my mistakes guys. Take that leap of faith! End the relationship with dignity and indifference, let her know she cannot come running back to you and then move on.

You have a better chance of winning her back if you end things like this and make it clear she's on her own, than if you leave the door open for her and allow her to string you along.

I still think No Contact and saying nothing is the best option overall, but if you must have the last word, make it look like the break up is to your benefit and you're cool with the decision. Don't play on it too much as it'll look transparent, but let her know you'll be fine with or without her.

And for fvcks sake, NEVER succumb to feelings of guilt or doubt yourself.

Thanks sir. In the case such a guy like me that continues to be with his wife and already doing much better to compared say, 2 days ago; does it really matter taking this leap of faith and man up? I mean, I personally don't care much of the outcome of my last wuss text I sent her yesterday giving her an ultimatum to reply by noon, which I do intend to keep and TRULY move on, no second chances for her, and am already texting my next girl (which I did let my ex know about on my txt message yesterday, I said: I had a date lined up for Fri. but decided to go alone and give you this ultimatum) which she blew off after all.

BTW guys, not sure what's going on, but as soon as my wife updated her whatsapp pic (she is pretty hot), then my ex also updated her whatsapp profile (she never had a pic) and posted a very recent pic (from probably Fri night when she went out).... they both had contacted each other via phone/text so now their whatsapp accounts can see each other's status... should I tell my wife to stop her shyt? LOL

 

[cgr68311]

Found a letter from my ex (unopened)

sorry guys about the whining... I'm fine but as I was cleaning my closet, I found a sealed unopened letter that my ex lover gave me a long while ago, I never opened it because I was not attached. she gave me this letter after I told her I had work in Special Ops force (lol). So:

1. Open it, cry like a bytch and go running towards her (break N/C)

2. Dump it unopened in front of her house along with her blanket and pillow (which she had loaned me because I supposedly lived in my SUV after 'separating' from my wife)

2a. Same as 2 except write on the letter: was never a special ops either. or: was never a special ops, yeah I lied since the start, no hard feelings though; we had some good times though, wish you the best. take care of yourself.

3. burn it and trash it

4. Let my wife read it (she just saw it) and is excited to read the BS. she might have written to me

5. read it and take it and then burn it/trash it?

 

[joker79]

Cgr, option 3 (burn it and trash it, you're not interested in the contents) and no contact. Wrt whatsapp, why are you stalking your ex? Do you think it will help you? you're trying to rationalise something that doesn't need to be rationalised.

Additionally, do you care if your ex knows that she has no further chances? reality is (I'm harsh and I know) that you're trying to find an excuse to get in touch with her again, through a txt, trough whatsapp, through FB, thinking to dump a letter in front of her house (!!!! are you crazy?). You know, I understand that you're trying again to get a reaction from her like in the movies, but my question is: why the **** are you wasting your mental energy for this rather than planning your future improvement?

 

[cgr68311]

Cgr, option 3 (burn it and trash it, you're not interested in the contents) and no contact. Wrt whatsapp, why are you stalking your ex? Do you think it will help you? you're trying to rationalise something that doesn't need to be rationalised.

Additionally, do you care if your ex knows that she has no further chances? reality is (I'm harsh and I know) that you're trying to find an excuse to get in touch with her again, through a txt, trough whatsapp, through FB, thinking to dump a letter in front of her house (!!!! are you crazy?). You know, I understand that you're trying again to get a reaction from her like in the movies, but my question is: why the **** are you wasting your mental energy for this rather than planning your future improvement?

Acknowledged. Option 3 it is. I am not the one stalking her on whatsapp, it's my wife. She just told me about "oh your hoe just updated her profile pic on whatsapp after I did, and she looks great clubbing"

 

[joker79]

apologies, I misunderstood. I know it's hard but give it 1/2 months and you'll be looking back at yourself in a different manner. I went through similar things in my life, I understand your pain. For now, doing nothing is better than doing anything else. Just focus on yourself.

And another piece of advice: should she get in touch with you again, be careful, she will try to get validation from you, she will try to understand if she still has power on you. And then, should she get such validation, she will drop you like a rock. Indifference is the key.

 

[cgr68311]

apologies, I misunderstood. I know it's hard but give it 1/2 months and you'll be looking back at yourself in a different manner. I went through similar things in my life, I understand your pain. For now, doing nothing is better than doing anything else. Just focus on yourself.

And another piece of advice: should she get in touch with you again, be careful, she will try to get validation from you, she will try to understand if she still has power on you. And then, should she get such validation, she will drop you like a rock. Indifference is the key.

This advice is golden. I just received a flashback when I was 19. I dated a girl. Then she ignored me. I wrote a nasty letter accusing her of misleading I cant remember. A year later she contacted me, asked me to go see her and I ran. I thought she was the love of my life. I showed up, made out outside. The next day I sent her flowers instead of letting her do all the work. Bad idea. Not only did she not acknowledge me but when I called her (no sms back then), she gave me the LJBF. I never talked to her again. You'd thought 'd learned from that. Thanks though

 

[Jariel]

And another piece of advice: should she get in touch with you again, be careful, she will try to get validation from you, she will try to understand if she still has power on you. And then, should she get such validation, she will drop you like a rock. Indifference is the key.

I can back this up from my own experiences too and so can many other guys on this thread.

I know people hate to listen to any advice that suggests they ignore their ex and doesn't tell them what they want to hear, but the important thing to remember is that we all talk from experience. We tried all those methods of getting in contact, trying to provoke reactions, trying to get forgiveness, arguing, begging, writing long explanations and so on, and the only method that works is cutting contact.

 

[orbion2013]

Looking for one last message to send? Try this...

I realise that a lot of guys here are looking to have the last word and no matter how much we advise going no contact, they can't help themselves. I was the same, but one thing I did right (and wished I'd never undone) was to send the perfect goodbye message.

"Look <name>, now that emotions have settled I just want you to know I hold no hard feelings. Things haven't been good between us for a while and I think breaking up is the right thing to do.

I hope you find the right man for you and find what you're looking for. To be truthful, there is someone I like and she's had feelings for me for a while so we're going to see see where it goes.

We had some good times and I wish you the best. Take care of yourself. x"

It sounds quite harsh, but it was my way of rolling with the punch, so to speak. It also let her know that I'm not available to act as a safety net for her and that her decision is final. It also leaves the question about whether I'd been seeing/flirting with this new girl in my life while we were together, and it all adds to the psychological impact and leaves her thinking about you. It basically showed her that I'm not dependent on her and I can move on with dignity and without drama because I'm a man of value and have options.

There was some truth to the other girl. Towards the end of the relationship I had been talking a lot to a girl who had feelings for me and was considering ending my relationship.

This message did have the effect I intended as I later found out she couldn't move on and couldn't stop thinking about me. I also managed to walk away with my dignity and power and hide the fact that I was actually really crushed by it. She did get in touch again after and poured out her feelings to me.

If I'd kept my cool, I could've had her in the palm of my hand, but I fvcked up! I lost my frame and gave up my power. I felt so much guilt over how I'd ended things and started to have doubts that maybe we could've lasted if I hadn't sent that message. So I tried to take it all back. I apologised and told her I didn't really mean it, how I really missed her and still loved her.

Then all of a sudden, she backed off again, found someone else and moved on!

Learn from my mistakes guys. Take that leap of faith! End the relationship with dignity and indifference, let her know she cannot come running back to you and then move on.

You have a better chance of winning her back if you end things like this and make it clear she's on her own, than if you leave the door open for her and allow her to string you along.

I still think No Contact and saying nothing is the best option overall, but if you must have the last word, make it look like the break up is to your benefit and you're cool with the decision. Don't play on it too much as it'll look transparent, but let her know you'll be fine with or without her.

And for fvcks sake, NEVER succumb to feelings of guilt or doubt yourself.

the thing is, if you contact her & tell her your fine with the breakup, then she has got her closure & you will be last weeks news... she will move on... case closed

if you say nothing at all... and she contacts you & you leave her hanging & ignore her email or text, i am sure that will give out a much stronger message (ie) your not bothered or interested & she has no hold on you anymore.

my current ex dumped me once before... she ended it because at that time i was not emotionaly attatched to her & did not really show her much love or affection.

anyhow, when she ended it... i immedialty went into no contact... not a peep out of me...

6 months later, she came running back!!!

you need to be out of her life, for her to realise what she has lost...


in my case, even if me ex came begging i would not have her back...

 

[Jariel]

if you say nothing at all... and she contacts you & you leave her hanging & ignore her, i am sure that will give out a much stronger message (ie) your not bothered or interested & she has no hold on you anymore

Like I say, No Contact is definitely the better way to handle it. Just leave her guessing and walk away with dignity. Unfortunately, many of us guys can't help ourselves and have to have the last word. So if you do, just make sure it shows indifference and an upbeat acceptance.

 

[cgr68311]

Look, I know NC works, betters yourself, etc. and the OneITIS doesn't let us think straight... I went out tonight (Friday night) also and so did she (I drove by around 1am and she wasn't there)... and I know what the responses will be (she was probably holding someone's ****, etc.)...but f** it, I sent her a last text msg like this:

4:57 AM MST:
"I had a date with a friend but I'm sick of this cycle so I went out for dance lessons alone. I love you. Remember I always said "We're getting old"? because it will be wonderful to grow old together, that simple. The proposal from the day before yesterday is also simple, if we love each other, let's do things as God intended, ask Arturo (our church pastor) to give us classes for our last marriage on earth. If you love me, tell me by noon, if not, please do not reply because it will be understood."

So a friend of mine doesn't like to see me sad, she thinks me telling my ex lover that I had a date lined up probably pissed her off and made her not to even think about my (sad) proposal. She thinks that I should send her one LAST text message (or see her in person) and say this:

"just to be clear, because you always liked to be transparent. I did not go out on that date because of you, regardless of whether you'd analyze things or not. this is the last time I'm contacting you, as you clearly don't want me to. sorry just had to say it."

 

[mikey2012]

sorry guys, my wife went from being supportive to teasing me and even emailed me a shot of my ex lover's whatsapp profile pic. She really thinks she was not out on a date (despite not getting home until 2am Fri. night) because if she had, she would not have had time to be taking this pics, she thinks she went out with friends, and took it for either validation, piss me off but most likely to flirt with someone online...

why do you care? move on for fuks sake.

 

[JJ07]

How am I supposed to remain no contact when I have so many questions? And I'm so hurt and can't understand how it was possible for her to start texting someone she met on a night out a couples of days or a week after we broke up. Plus the fact is that even true!? Could of been when we were together, her friend was sure it wasn't. But still! She was telling me all that stuff and then goes and does that. I want her to know that I know ! So even if she isn't bothered, I know for a fact that she will atleast panic a bit

 

[Blinkers]

You have to know when to do nothing. You can’t fix something like this and every psychological game you play with the intention of getting her back will blow up in your face anyways. The creatures we are playing with are damaged; to think that you can predict how this species will perceive any of your actions is naïve. With that in mind you have to tell yourself ‘When actions are futile, do nothing’
The only use for your phone right now should be for saving new numbers – now go get some, *****es!

 

[mikey2012]

How am I supposed to remain no contact when I have so many questions? And I'm so hurt and can't understand how it was possible for her to start texting someone she met on a night out a couples of days or a week after we broke up. Plus the fact is that even true!? Could of been when we were together, her friend was sure it wasn't. But still! She was telling me all that stuff and then goes and does that. I want her to know that I know ! So even if she isn't bothered, I know for a fact that she will atleast panic a bit

She won't panick coz she don't give a fuk about you. What's so difficult to understand

 

[JJ07]

!?

She won't panick coz she don't give a fuk about you. What's so difficult to understand

But for the 2 1/2 years out of our 3 year relationship, she was obsessed with me. She drove me away. When I broke up with her back then she stalked me, waited outside my work. Come in to my house whilst I was in be after a night out and got in bed with me! She Ket egging and begging and in the end I did give in. Maybe because it was so easy, the sex was amazing and she would do what I wanted. How has this totally switched!??