The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Backwardsman]

thanks dude its good to et a breeze of reality once in a while, ive allready broken up with her once and got back with her like an AFC b***h, but this time so far i havent been feeling even CLOSE to the same feelings as i have before.... i realize she is dirt and not worth my time or effort. and bettering myself is the most important thing to do in ones life....

we'll see what happens.. maybe all my thoughts are due to the initial shock, used as a mechanism by my brain to block my subconscious hurting... we'll see if those emotions float to the top soon enough..

Hi narcissist, glad to see you know that she it not worth your time and effort- keep saying that in your mind whenever a thought about her pops in your head, thats what i have been doing and it works...

You can and will do better, a relationship to me, is a life lesson, you learn something in each one and carry it on to the next one etc - my first ever girlfriend, wow AFCx100 for me, then it got slowly better with each one, up until my latest ex who i managed to end it with as i realised she was no good and didnt deserve me - I had never ended a relationship until then, but felt good as i was in control and knew what i was looking for - am sure this will happen to you - i turned 30 this year and believe the older you get the more easier it is to deal with relationships

 

[narcissist]

wow well today has been a VERY interesting day

so like i said before,

this morning i got up and threw all her **** outside and said "ur s**t is outside, go get it" or somthin along those lines

she came and picked it up when i wasnt home (which i consciously made sure i wasnt home)

and then my mom tells me (i live with my mom dukes im 19) that she comes by later crying telling my mom that she "lost her best friend and ****ed up badly (im apparently her best friend - she cheated on me twice)" and i was like true lol

i didnt see her or talk to her at all today but she got her friend to call me and she wants to come give me my stuff (her friend) so i dont have to see the b***h

i just dont understand women sometimes... this girl literally cheats on me twice and then cries when i break up with her.. like what does she expect?

if you love someone, cheating on them isnt the best way to express that love

im just living my life now realizing that the b***h never really loved me and thats a REALLLY uplifting thought

shes just troubled in her own mind and i dont have the time or effort to fix her

i gotta fix myself and love myself cos thats all you got in the world anyways right boys?

my new goal: talk to at least 1 new broad a day

update: i have a date with this girl to go study with her at the library on friday, some columbian chick, i knew her from my work and we had a little thing a while back but i never got the chance because i started dating the girl i just broke up with

soo she seeems pretty keen, gunna try and slam in the next 2-6 weeks well see

 

[m7ytn]

No Contact: Day 24

I am not really sure why I am writing this, but I guess venting here beats the hell out of contacting the ex. It has been exactly a week since my ex emailed me. This is what she sent:

--Hey (my name),
Very random, but I wanted to thank you for leaving that 'gamma meditation' CD for me (you left that on purpose, right? if not, good luck getting it back!) I listened to it sort of on a whim last week just to relax, and woke up the next morning feeling surprisingly awesome (awesome = absence of the depressy feelings I couldn't get rid of before). That **** is like magic. I even ordered a couple more of the same guy's recordings from amazon, one for creativity and another that got good reviews - 'healing,' or something like that. Anyway, that's about it...I hope you're doing well! I think I saw you in your truck last week...it was nice to see you (well, barely saw you, but still). Are you still doing philosophy club? Psych is good, although now that advising is going on I'm balls-deep in these kids. Seriously, I meant to email you first thing this morning but didn't have a free minute until now. crazy! I'm sure you're getting to a stressful point, too, with all the papers you have. just know that if you do get too stressed, I'll be sending you peaceful brainwave vibes
--(her name)


I am still maintaining NC, but now I am left trying to figure out why she would have contacted me. Initially I just shrugged the email off, didn't give a sh*t about it. I've been talking to / going out with a couple of other girls, which has been keeping me occupied, but I still keep coming back to this fvcking email. It is like she planted a seed in my mind, which at first was not even noticeable, but now 7 days later I have noticed that it has grown into something that is consuming my every thought. I was feeling a lot better, but now I just feel like **** again. The urge to write her back comes and goes. Sometimes its unbearable. I just really don't want to have a weak moment, slip up and contact her back, then spend the next several weeks regretting it. A small part of me almost wants to write her and ask her just why she is contacting me and tell her to stop...but I feel like silence will be more effective. It is the best weapon, because as far as she knows I could be pissed at her, banging a new chick, or any other combination of things. I take some comfort in her uncertainty, but then I wander if she even thinks about it. What do you all think... when the ex contacts you and you respond with silence...what is going through their head?

 

[Renegade357]

when the ex contacts you and you respond with silence...what is going through their head?

I would just take anything she writes you at face value. Nothing in the email she sent you warranted a response imo. You are fine just ignoring it.

I've had this happen before with another ex. She would send me useless emails like the one you got then if I didn't respond in a week or two she'd send another and get increasingly frustrated if I didn't respond back. She'd get more and more desperate as the weeks went on. She later told me she felt like all her attempts to contact me were being sent to the void. This is a chick that I let friend zone me in my beta days and she desperately tries to keep me there. Like actively maintaining me as a "friend". Probably as an option years from now if she completely strikes out. I've already told her I'm not interested in her romantically anymore.

Anywayyy.. If she contacts you again or calls you I'd start assuming she wants to see you again.

What you do about that is up to you but you can't allow yourself to slip into the friend zone. I don't really know your story but if you want her back you could be like "So I assume you want to see me? Is that why you keep writing/calling?" Put her on the spot. Force a decision. Then try to plan a definite date. If she says no whatever you are indifferent to the outcome. You got stuff/people to do and it doesn't involve her. Treat her like a plate. No heavy subjects, light and fun only. Back to date #1.

 

[Jariel]

I'm really struggling to cope guys!

The truth is, I've really sunk into depression. I'm seeing my doctor, getting councelling and have just been prescribed anti-depressants. I wake up every day and feel this emptiness and there is nothing in my life or my future that gives me any kind of hope or pleasure.

I have studied all the advice I can take and it makes sense. I can even give myself advice and know what I must do, but all this rationalizing doesn't help take the pain away.

I realize I made a big mistake responding when she got in touch with me and I regret it so much. I let myself get hopeful, I felt uplifted with each text she sent, believing she wanted me back in her life. But now she's withdrawn completely and I feel like I've been dumped all over again.

I look at other women and none of them seem to compare to her. I really felt like she was the one and in all my years, the only woman I ever truly loved and had it reciprocated, who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I've lost my sex drive completely and can't even entertain the thought of being with someone else. I had a good date a couple of days ago and it gave me hope, but I woke the next day craving my ex back. And the girl I dated rejected me anyway.

I'm trying to work out, motivate myself to improve, distract myself, but it does nothing. I just want to curl up into a ball and give up on everything.

I shouldn't feel like this. There's no sense in it. On a rational level, I know she's not the centre of my world, I know I should be finding fulfillment in other aspects of life and there will be other women, but I'm struggling to see anything positive at this time and I've never felt so low in my life.

I've deleted her number and made the decision to ignore any future contact from her, but that shred of hope is the only thing that has kept me going and now I've let it go, I have nothing.

 

[Backwardsman]

I'm really struggling to cope guys!

The truth is, I've really sunk into depression. I'm seeing my doctor, getting councelling and have just been prescribed anti-depressants. I wake up every day and feel this emptiness and there is nothing in my life or my future that gives me any kind of hope or pleasure.

I have studied all the advice I can take and it makes sense. I can even give myself advice and know what I must do, but all this rationalizing doesn't help take the pain away.

I realize I made a big mistake responding when she got in touch with me and I regret it so much. I let myself get hopeful, I felt uplifted with each text she sent, believing she wanted me back in her life. But now she's withdrawn completely and I feel like I've been dumped all over again.

I look at other women and none of them seem to compare to her. I really felt like she was the one and in all my years, the only woman I ever truly loved and had it reciprocated, who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I've lost my sex drive completely and can't even entertain the thought of being with someone else. I had a good date a couple of days ago and it gave me hope, but I woke the next day craving my ex back. And the girl I dated rejected me anyway.

I'm trying to work out, motivate myself to improve, distract myself, but it does nothing. I just want to curl up into a ball and give up on everything.

I shouldn't feel like this. There's no sense in it. On a rational level, I know she's not the centre of my world, I know I should be finding fulfillment in other aspects of life and there will be other women, but I'm struggling to see anything positive at this time and I've never felt so low in my life.

I've deleted her number and made the decision to ignore any future contact from her, but that shred of hope is the only thing that has kept me going and now I've let it go, I have nothing.

Hi Jariel, i have been in your situation, believe me, its torment, but time will heal you, its hard mate, but you have to stay strong. I am off work today and tomorrow, so dont have anything to occupy my mind so sometimes my ex pops in my thoughts even though i dumped her, it works both ways, i just simply say to myself i can and will do better than her - So will you, i guarantee it... Stick to NC and it will give you time to heal, if she contacts you,ignore it, one of my exes would text me and pop round after she dumped me, basically keeping me on a string and i fell for it, took way way longer to get over her, thats what some girls do, especially the younger ones, they like to know that you think that there still an option, feeds there ego etc... ignore all communication with her..... please

 

[Jariel]

Hi Jariel, i have been in your situation, believe me, its torment, but time will heal you, its hard mate, but you have to stay strong. I am off work today and tomorrow, so dont have anything to occupy my mind so sometimes my ex pops in my thoughts even though i dumped her, it works both ways, i just simply say to myself i can and will do better than her - So will you, i guarantee it... Stick to NC and it will give you time to heal, if she contacts you,ignore it, one of my exes would text me and pop round after she dumped me, basically keeping me on a string and i fell for it, took way way longer to get over her, thats what some girls do, especially the younger ones, they like to know that you think that there still an option, feeds there ego etc... ignore all communication with her..... please

Thanks man. I need that reassurance right now, just to know that this pain and torment will end. I always thought my ex was too mature to play games and string me along, so I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt when she poured her feelings out to me, but now I'm realising I've played right into it and that's what hurts the most. I don't think she intended to manipulate me, but she got desperate and needed to know I still cared...and now I've given her that ego fix and reassurance, she's disappeared, leaving me feeling discarded.

I won't make this mistake again. I want her back more than anything, but playing into her whims won't get her back and it just leaves me hurting, confused and stops me moving on. I'm so angry at her for this and even angrier at myself.

 

[itdude]

jariel,

say this to yourself over and over again:

Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom!

Our stories are so similar. I broke no-contact and it ended bad each time. I actually bought her a plane ticket so that we can spend xmas together. She was all up for it and just the next day she gave me the silent treatment. vanished. Gone. But as you might recall she is BPD so she is doing the push/pull. She will contact me again and claim her undying love.

However this last cycle was really the end for me. I am at the point where I say: "I am so grateful for this incredible cruelty". As her actions were so horrific that I will never go back again.

just keep doing the inner work

I know it feels worse now than the initial break-up. But you are actually stronger inside as you know you can surive this.

 

[Backwardsman]

It will end mate promise Also, try not to look at the breakup as a negative thing, change it to a positive, what i mean is, look at it as a learning curve and a lesson for you next relationship, try to think that everything happens for a reason and would and could not happen any other way, this was meant to happen, maybe to teach you in future relationships etc - Sometimes we have to go through bad stints in life to see the good, if there was no such thing as bad events/scenarios, we wouldnt know what good was, because we couldnt compare it to anything.

A little story about my previous ex (not the one i finished with on saturday, one before lol) - we went out for about a year, first six months was perfect, went places, met family etc, awesome - Then i would start to see her true colours once we got in the comfort zone of the relationship. I have always been laid back in relationships and very rarely called out any **** that an ex would do, i would just let it go etc - towards the end, she said she wanted a break (massive red flag), i agreed but went afc'ish until it finally ended.

The suffering was terrible, she would text me randomly, asking how i was, if she could come round and of course i jumped at it as i thought this was signs she wanted to make another go of it - She didnt, just keeping me jumping through hoops etc which made me feel even worse..

Fast forward to my last relationship, I was stronger, called her out on any ****, she flaked on me a couple of times, she never did it again as i put her in line (something i would never have done in the past).

In a nutshell, she still lived with her ex, it was no secret and she would always tell me if she had to go somewhere with him etc, of course this is a **** situation to be in but i wanted to see what would happen.

Everyone knew we were together, her friends, people at our work and her family apart from him, so us together wasnt a secret which made it seem better.

Anyway, fast forward to this weekend, his family were coming up for his b day and she had to go out with them for drinks at night, she knew i was going out to with my mates so i would probs bump into her...

Not sure how and why, but this was the turning point for me, i told it was over in text, gave her all the reasons why, and ended it.. text me a few times but i ignored them - I know for a fact she was not expecting it as it was out of the blue, but at the end of the day i aint going to be disrespected like that and she still lives with him - her friends say she is comfortable living at home and that she has the best of both worlds, security as she has a house etc and with me. Not any more....

Now, if my previous ex breakup wasnt a lesson, i would have carried on with this girl, but that breakup made me stronger, even her friends this week said to me, i cant believe YOU ended it, which was nice to here.

I feel better about myself too, which is what im trying to get at - keep being strong and you will see this is only a test of strength to make you stronger for your next relationship....

 

[Jariel]

jariel,

say this to yourself over and over again:

Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom!

Our stories are so similar. I broke no-contact and it ended bad each time. I actually bought her a plane ticket so that we can spend xmas together. She was all up for it and just the next day she gave me the silent treatment. vanished. Gone. But as you might recall she is BPD so she is doing the push/pull. She will contact me again and claim her undying love.

However this last cycle was really the end for me. I am at the point where I say: "I am so grateful for this incredible cruelty". As her actions were so horrific that I will never go back again.

just keep doing the inner work

I know it feels worse now than the initial break-up. But you are actually stronger inside as you know you can surive this.

Thanks man. It feels so unbearable right now!

I originally felt so reassured by her contact and telling me how much she loves and misses me, it really helped. Even though we weren't getting back together it meant a lot to know she was hurting as much as I was. I should've just left it there, but I kept clinging to her suggestions of meeting up, hints of seeing each other casually and so on and I got hooked again.

I can't get her out of my mind. I'm thinking about her every minute and I just can't seem to stop. I'll be doing something and then a happy memory will just jump into my mind and then I start to think I will never have that ever again!

I've had good relationships in the past, but with this one, I've never experienced such emotional highs before. Some of my happiest moments in my life were with her and I used to wake up every day blissfully happy just knowing I was going to see her that day/week. But with such highs the come down is agonising.

I'm trying meditation as a way of detaching. It works a little while I'm doing it, but then I end up back to where I was.

 

[Culebra23]

Jariel,
Come to NYC my man, it sounds like you need to get away. Believe me, I have been there, during my 20's I had a severe case of oneitis, it took me 3 months to get her out of my system, she kept me on a string, she would call me during her lunch break and I would run to meet her. After work she would be with her new man, he would enjoy his fish dinner while I had to endure sitting on a park bench during lunch with her, it was so bad that I dropped 3 out of 5 college classes. I wasn't going out with my buddies because I didn't really have any at the time, I didn't eat, I was really messed up. My family helped me see through this smoke, they, being older, inspired me to let it go, and the final push came when I went to Puerto Rico to visit my family and friends. I started going out, i started eating and I started to get over her.

I was missing out on life worrying about this girl, and because I stayed in that same environment, I never realized this. So my man, take a vacation, go to Costa Rica, I know you live in Europe but Costa Rica is the place to go, believe me when I tell you this. If you need more info send me a PM, CR has great weather, surf and the women are friendly and beautiful. The food is tasty and inexpensive, and best of all, you get away from it all, that, if anything, will help you remove this woman (oneitis) from your mind.

As for the girl who gave me the oneitis, she called me when I was in Puerto Rico, after about 3.5 months of me crying for her on the phone I got my power back and told her to F herself (BOYS THIS IS FACT). She started calling me like crazy and soon thereafter dumped the guy she left me for. She literally chased me for 5 years, I could have used her for sex but I was repulsed by her actions, how she treated me that I didn't want to see her again. I met someone on that Puerto Rico trip, the funny thing was that I was not even looking to meet but my confidence brought this cute girl into my life, it was a short term romance with the PR girl and 6 months later I met another LTR that lasted 4 years.

Remember - The measure of a person's worth is not based upon the words they speak, but upon the choices they make...this means that actions speak louder than words. What good do the words "I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU or I AM THINKING OF YOU" mean when you have been dumped? Ask yourself, who cares, it's irrelevant at this point. Never take an ex back, whatever her decision was for dumping you she made this decision - on her own!!

Never be a second fiddle for a mujer...my current ex was unhappy with herself and blamed all her misery on me. Before leaving me she told me she wanted to be happy, think about it, she couldn't change her job, her family or her friends (although she could spend less time with them), the one thing she could change was her boyfriend - which was me. Thus, I took the blame for all her problems, do you understand how women think? She thinks the grass is greener on the other side, and like I said, in this age I have more opportunity than I had in my 20s and 30s, not that I am this cool handsome man, I am , lol . Again, don't get too caught up on what women say.

Jariel, take a vacation my man, clear your mind, go alone, check out Costa Rica, Brazil, pick up Dr. Tate's the professional bachelor and don't look back!!

 

[Backwardsman]

Thanks man. It feels so unbearable right now!

I originally felt so reassured by her contact and telling me how much she loves and misses me, it really helped. Even though we weren't getting back together it meant a lot to know she was hurting as much as I was. I should've just left it there, but I kept clinging to her suggestions of meeting up, hints of seeing each other casually and so on and I got hooked again.

I can't get her out of my mind. I'm thinking about her every minute and I just can't seem to stop. I'll be doing something and then a happy memory will just jump into my mind and then I start to think I will never have that ever again!

I've had good relationships in the past, but with this one, I've never experienced such emotional highs before. Some of my happiest moments in my life were with her and I used to wake up every day blissfully happy just knowing I was going to see her that day/week. But with such highs the come down is agonising.

I'm trying meditation as a way of detaching. It works a little while I'm doing it, but then I end up back to where I was.

One thing i would recommend is go running or exercise, running especially worked for me as it took my mind off her and also it raises your feel good mood..

when i was with my last ex, when things were going crap, i would worry, overthink etc but after a good run i felt much better and my mind become more silent...

I also find at nights, a couple of glasses of red wine help to numb my mind of all thoughts and can sleep much better - I aint saying turn to alcohol to cure what your feeling cos it wont, i just find it silences the mind at night, i can even think about her and not have the weird feelings in my stomach etc, i feel relaxed and fall asleep straight away, nights seem to be the worst but for me its the best time cos of doing this....

 

[Jariel]

It will end mate promise Also, try not to look at the breakup as a negative thing, change it to a positive, what i mean is, look at it as a learning curve and a lesson for you next relationship, try to think that everything happens for a reason and would and could not happen any other way, this was meant to happen, maybe to teach you in future relationships etc - Sometimes we have to go through bad stints in life to see the good, if there was no such thing as bad events/scenarios, we wouldnt know what good was, because we couldnt compare it to anything.

I totally agree with you there. In fact I've written down all the lessons I've learned from this experience and I know that I'll be more aware in future. I realise I needed this to happen and I keep trying to look at it as part of the bigger picture, but it's so hard to recover from this.

Now, if my previous ex breakup wasnt a lesson, i would have carried on with this girl, but that breakup made me stronger, even her friends this week said to me, i cant believe YOU ended it, which was nice to here.

I feel better about myself too, which is what im trying to get at - keep being strong and you will see this is only a test of strength to make you stronger for your next relationship....

Well played mate! I really hope you can stick to it as it sounds like a lousy situation to be in and plenty of red flags there.

That said, I kinda did the same, but not such a decisive way. She was going through a lot of sh!t in her life (all genuine) and asked me for some space. I reacted by dumping her, which felt good for about 2 days and then it all blew up from there. I wanted her back, she retaliated, we argued and I retaliated and then went no contact for 2 months...until she contacted me saying how much she loved me and missed me etc.

I've told her I'm not interested in being just friends with her, but if she wants to fvck, then let me know. She did say she'd take me up on it and she still fantasizes about me, but nothing has come of it.

I know better than to let an ex friendzone me. As much as I want her in my life, my only option at this point is to let go, but it hurts so much to do that. I guess that's why exes do stay friends, as a way of easing out of the relationship steadily.

 

[Jariel]

Jariel,
Come to NYC my man, it sounds like you need to get away. Believe me, I have been there, during my 20's I had a severe case of oneitis, it took me 3 months to get her out of my system, she kept me on a string, she would call me during her lunch break and I would run to meet her. After work she would be with her new man, he would enjoy his fish dinner while I had to endure sitting on a park bench during lunch with her, it was so bad that I dropped 3 out of 5 college classes. I wasn't going out with my buddies because I didn't really have any at the time, I didn't eat, I was really messed up. My family helped me see through this smoke, they, being older, inspired me to let it go, and the final push came when I went to Puerto Rico to visit my family and friends. I started going out, i started eating and I started to get over her.

I was missing out on life worrying about this girl, and because I stayed in that same environment, I never realized this. So my man, take a vacation, go to Costa Rica, I know you live in Europe but Costa Rica is the place to go, believe me when I tell you this. If you need more info send me a PM, CR has great weather, surf and the women are friendly and beautiful. The food is tasty and inexpensive, and best of all, you get away from it all, that, if anything, will help you remove this woman (oneitis) from your mind.

As for the girl who gave me the oneitis, she called me when I was in Puerto Rico, after about 3.5 months of me crying for her on the phone I got my power back and told her to F herself (BOYS THIS IS FACT). She started calling me like crazy and soon thereafter dumped the guy she left me for. She literally chased me for 5 years, I could have used her for sex but I was repulsed by her actions, how she treated me that I didn't want to see her again. I met someone on that Puerto Rico trip, the funny thing was that I was not even looking to meet but my confidence brought this cute girl into my life, it was a short term romance with the PR girl and 6 months later I met another LTR that lasted 4 years.

Remember - The measure of a person's worth is not based upon the words they speak, but upon the choices they make...this means that actions speak louder than words. What good do the words "I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU or I AM THINKING OF YOU" mean when you have been dumped? Ask yourself, who cares, it's irrelevant at this point. Never take an ex back, whatever her decision was for dumping you she made this decision - on her own!!

Never be a second fiddle for a mujer...my current ex was unhappy with herself and blamed all her misery on me. Before leaving me she told me she wanted to be happy, think about it, she couldn't change her job, her family or her friends (although she could spend less time with them), the one thing she could change was her boyfriend - which was me. Thus, I took the blame for all her problems, do you understand how women think? She thinks the grass is greener on the other side, and like I said, in this age I have more opportunity than I had in my 20s and 30s, not that I am this cool handsome man, I am , lol . Again, don't get too caught up on what women say.

Jariel, take a vacation my man, clear your mind, go alone, check out Costa Rica, Brazil, pick up Dr. Tate's the professional bachelor and don't look back!!

Thank you for this inspiring post mate!!

I think you're right about a vacation. I need to get away and do something completely different.

I believe my ex put a lot of her problems on me too, or rather blamed me for not being supportive and letting her down...when none of it was my fault. The thing is I should be able to look back at the latter part of the relationship and see how fvcked up it was. She was going through depression and dragging me down with her. It wasn't fun any more...and yet for some weird psychological reason I keep clinging to her.

In past relationships I've been able to walk away knowing I have lots of options, I can go and bang someone else or start dating someone else, but even though I still have plenty of options this time round, I never wanted to be with anyone except her.

But I will consider your advice mate. I need to save up a bit first, but perhaps that vacation is what I need.

 

[Backwardsman]

I totally agree with you there. In fact I've written down all the lessons I've learned from this experience and I know that I'll be more aware in future. I realise I needed this to happen and I keep trying to look at it as part of the bigger picture, but it's so hard to recover from this.



Well played mate! I really hope you can stick to it as it sounds like a lousy situation to be in and plenty of red flags there.

That said, I kinda did the same, but not such a decisive way. She was going through a lot of sh!t in her life (all genuine) and asked me for some space. I reacted by dumping her, which felt good for about 2 days and then it all blew up from there. I wanted her back, she retaliated, we argued and I retaliated and then went no contact for 2 months...until she contacted me saying how much she loved me and missed me etc.

I've told her I'm not interested in being just friends with her, but if she wants to fvck, then let me know. She did say she'd take me up on it and she still fantasizes about me, but nothing has come of it.

I know better than to let an ex friendzone me. As much as I want her in my life, my only option at this point is to let go, but it hurts so much to do that. I guess that's why exes do stay friends, as a way of easing out of the relationship steadily.

It was a crap situation to be in, hard to explain as i knew going into the relationship it was going to be tough, yes there was red flags but this was kinda outweighed by the fact she would never lie to me if she had to say, go shopping for food and stuff with him and she initiated around 80% of all contact right until i finished with her ( i wasnt going to get too attached to her because of the situation). She would every day ask to go on a break and lunch with me at work, and i know she was 100% into me - fact.

But the point was, she is very lazy and comfortable living at home with her ex, it never actually bothered me greatly at first but as time went on, nothing was happening her end to sort it so i had to be the one to end it - It will be a wake up call for her as she wouldnt expect me to do this, i dont know whether she will try and contact me, who knows, is she doesnt its miles better for me, if she does, i will either ignore or tell her i aint interested and have moved on, which will be horrible to here but she should have sorted it while we were together..

The main point is i learned another lesson by going through what i did with my ex, not to get with anyone who still lives with an ex, who who has recently broke up with someone, so again its a positive for me, she would always say if we had a disagreement about him that she wished she would have waited until she/he moved out and things would have been so much better - Why should i have to wait around? i would have in previous relationships but this one gave me the strength to end it... You only get out of relationship what you put in, if the other isnt then its time to walk

 

[Lotus Effect]

To Jariel!

Hey Jariel!

It's good that you are here talking to all this supportive lads. I've never saw that much support from a community! Seriously man, read it over and over again!

As anyone in here, some more, and some less, I'm suffering as well. You know it. But ever since I put it on my mind that it's over, I'm accepting slowly it's over. You got to see this for yourself, and this is really hurtfull to see, but this girl does not wishes for your well being. She IS trying to hurt you. She is keeping you at bay so she can easily walk out on you.

I'm sorry to inform you this, but she is EVIL. Accept it Man!

She is f**ked up in the head, and she is playing games with you. It took me a long long time to figure that out myself. How can someone so perfect turn into someone so mean? Than I figure it out. The person I met wasn't her true self, that was a facade, a persona, to suck me into her reality. Once that was done, she showed her true self. So, she haven't turned into an incosiderate hor. She always were, she just knew how to hide it very well.

I've been where you are right now. And if I did not accept the true, I could be really worse than you are right now. After all, I chased, been cold shouldered, then I had an awesome afternoon with her, then she went cold turkey, and after that I wrote her such a beautiful letter that she actually believes that she is in a pedestal as we speak, and that I'll be forever waiting for her. Barely she knows that I despise her so much that I can literally tell her to get the f**k out of my life the minute she tries to reach me again. God damn it, the b*tch f**king cheated on me. F**k her, she does not deserve a minute of my attention.

Of course, this kind of enlightment was very hard to achieve. But reading all advices from guys like you, and others as Culebra, Renegade, Cali, tripod gave me more than hope. Other than that, I have some really good friends in here who are also very insghtful. Consider her as dead. Relate her to a dead relative of yours. When you think about her, what she might be doing, remember she is buried under the ground. Dead!

I'm actually starting to enjoy life as a bachellor again. There are so many ladies out there. I had lunch with a complete ramdom chick yesterday, I just sat on her table, and ordered a meal to the waiter. And it was delightful.
There is always so much to learn, so much to improve. It's kind of funny writing this now and considering how desperate and depressed I was a month ago.

And man, if there is one advice I can give you, and I really wish you follow it is.
GO AFTER TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.
You have to pay for it. It's not cheap. It was R$1.600,00, which might be something around £550,00. But it's awesome. It's not about the meditation, it's about how you feel after doing it. I'm doing it for a week and a half now, and I'm feeling great.
GO DO IT!

And taking some vacation will be probably very good for you man. It's almost summer here in Brazil. The weather is really great. I live in Sao Paulo, but you should go to Rio de Janeiro. Awesome city for gringos! That was a really great advice from Culebra... Wise man!

Anyway, read the advices, stick to NC, F**K the ex.
She does not mean you well.


And Narcissist, I'm really proud of you man! Seriously, awesome story bro!
F**k her. When she wanted to cheat you she didn't gave a flying f**k about you. Look who is crying now! I wish I was this enlighted when s**t hit my fan!

Bro Love to all of you guys! Today is a National Holiday here in Brazil, I'm going to the beach to f**k some b*tches!!

Love you guys! Peace!

 

[Culebra23]

Lotus Effect, glad you are doing better, I notice that you don't think too highly of your ex anymore, you've taken her off that pedestal. I feel you've passed the point of no return - pretty soon you'll be indifferent. It's amazing how we evolve after relationships, one day you will wake up and realize the pain is gone, and most of all, you won't miss it. Hey man, I have never been to Brazil, i'm afraid I will never come back if I went, Copacabana beach is where it's at - so I hear, loll Take care my brother

 

[Jariel]

Thank you guys for the support! It has been very helpful having this thread where we can all vent, get support and advice and to know others are going through the same as us. In my better moments, I've been able to offer advice to others, and in my lowest moments I've had so much support and I really appreciate it.

I realise now, I need to give up on her and focus on getting back to my old self. The person I was before the relationship and 6 months into it...I was masculine, bold, sexual, with a bit of a bad boy edge. I was having fun and I felt in control. Even in the relationship, I had her in the palm of my hand. I want to get back to being that guy again!

My attempts to talk to and date women lately have shown me I'm very different at the moment. I'm not sexual, I'm not flirty and I'm the sort of guy who lands in the friendzone. I need to get my balls and my drive back, but right now my pining over my ex is keeping me in a negative and emotional state. The sooner I can let go, the sooner I can rediscover my old self again and that's one thing I can look forward to!

I have so many unanswered texts and mails on FB from girls who want their chance with me and I could have a lot of fun when I'm ready. I need to focus on moving towards that goal, instead of clinging to the past.

The main point is i learned another lesson by going through what i did with my ex, not to get with anyone who still lives with an ex, who who has recently broke up with someone, so again its a positive for me, she would always say if we had a disagreement about him that she wished she would have waited until she/he moved out and things would have been so much better - Why should i have to wait around? i would have in previous relationships but this one gave me the strength to end it... You only get out of relationship what you put in, if the other isnt then its time to walk

My ex wasn't living with her ex, but she was going through a divorce and this was stirring up a lot of sh1t. I didn't feel happy about it and I really shouldn't have allowed myself to be caught up in it all.

Towards the end, she was depressed, stressed out and miserable, and it really felt like I was the only one making the effort. Just as you said, that should've been my cue to walk.

I need to focus on this more. Instead of idealising our relationship, I need to realise how unfulfilling it was becoming for me and how her stress and depression was dragging me down.

I've been where you are right now. And if I did not accept the true, I could be really worse than you are right now. After all, I chased, been cold shouldered, then I had an awesome afternoon with her, then she went cold turkey, and after that I wrote her such a beautiful letter that she actually believes that she is in a pedestal as we speak, and that I'll be forever waiting for her.

This is why I'm so angry at myself! I did the same thing in writing the letter, showing her attention and putting her on a pedestal. She was the one who caved in and made contact and poured out her feelings so I'm the one who should've come out with the power and the ego boost, and yet I gave it all up and turned it around in her favour. Now I'm the one who feels like sh1t and she's the one who gets to walk away feeling satisfied and believing I'm here waiting for her.

It's ironic, but I really want her to contact me again now, just so I can ignore it! Just to let her know I'm not going to come running whenever she beckons. I had the chance to do that many times already and I was weak.

A tough lesson, but hopefully one that will smarten me up for the future!

Consider her as dead. Relate her to a dead relative of yours. When you think about her, what she might be doing, remember she is buried under the ground. Dead!

I'm trying. I realise it's all about our internal perception. If we were still together, I may be sitting in this chair in this room and be blissfully happy, working and being productive. But here I am, in this same chair, same room and I'm miserable and unmotivated...and it's all because of what's going on in my own mind.

I keep tormenting myself with thoughts of her being with someone else, not caring about me and so on, and yet none of this should matter because she's not in my life any more and I'll never see her again. It's all in my head. I could just as easily picture her crying over my photos and praying for a way we could make things work and feel better about it, but this too is just in my own mind.

If I can adapt my way of thinking and change my perception, I can get on with my life and enjoy it again.

And man, if there is one advice I can give you, and I really wish you follow it is.
GO AFTER TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.
You have to pay for it. It's not cheap. It was R$1.600,00, which might be something around £550,00. But it's awesome. It's not about the meditation, it's about how you feel after doing it. I'm doing it for a week and a half now, and I'm feeling great.
GO DO IT!

I've found some basic instructions on how to do this and mantra meditation which I'm putting into practice. I'm feeling inspired, but it's taking a while to get into. If I start gaining something from this then I'll definitely seek more and consider paying for it.

I'm also following some meditations by Joe Dispenza in his book that are meant to give you the power to alter your subconscious beliefs and rewire your brain. It's fascinating stuff, but it takes some time to put into practice.


Thanks again for the support. Time to focus on the future and all the fun prospects it has on offer!

 

[Groverz]

Lotus Effect, glad you are doing better, I notice that you don't think too highly of your ex anymore, you've taken her off that pedestal. I feel you've passed the point of no return - pretty soon you'll be indifferent. It's amazing how we evolve after relationships, one day you will wake up and realize the pain is gone, and most of all, you won't miss it. Hey man, I have never been to Brazil, i'm afraid I will never come back if I went, Copacabana beach is where it's at - so I hear, loll Take care my brother

Should have a SS meet up in Brazil, can't see anything bad about chilling on the beach with a bunch of hot Brazilian women to help us forget about the ones that ****ed us over. O the trouble we could get into.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I realise now, I need to give up on her and focus on getting back to my old self. The person I was before the relationship and 6 months into it...

Wrong!!
F**K your old self. Your old self was not that experienced as you are now. You are much better, and way wiser than your old self. Even that you could pickup whoever the f you want back then, you were able to Pickup trash as your Ex. A mistake you will not repeat. You are feeling bad now. But this will pass!

When it's over, you'll be back in shape, and in addition, you will not fall prey to heartless b*tches the same way you did. You experienced love, and heartbreak, and that's awesome! The breakup was bound to happen. Maybe, you were also not feeling that good about yourself, and you needed to evolve. This is the universe giving you what you need. In a reference to a wise dude we all know: "Oportunities are brilliantly disguised as impossible situations"

And this just proves my above statement:

I need to focus on this more. Instead of idealising our relationship,
I need to realise how unfulfilling it was becoming for me and how her stress and depression was dragging me down.

This is why I'm so angry at myself! I did the same thing in writing the letter, showing her attention and putting her on a pedestal...
...It's ironic, but I really want her to contact me again now, just so I can ignore it! Just to let her know I'm not going to come running whenever she beckons. I had the chance to do that many times already and I was weak.

It amazes me each and every time we speak to each other seeing how much alike we are. Stop beating yourself up. We just did what we believed was right for the one we loved. That's it! We are good and valuable man! Some sh*t they are yet to understand.

I'm also "waiting" for her next move. To tell her "f**k off, I'm better off without you, I'm glad we broke up". But what for? F**k her, f**k whatever she is thinking. She is f**king dead to me. This is just for my ego. So f**k my ego. And F**k your ego as well. It's unproductive to feed these thoughts, 'cause even if it is to show that now you don't give a flying f*** about her, you are still thinking about her, and caring enough to make her feel bad. F**k whatever she feels, she does not give a f*** about how are you feeling, does she? So neither should you.

You were weak before, so what? I also was. And now I'm here, alive, pissed about a hor that is probably going to f**k some random dude this holiday at the beach. So f**k it. We were weak, but now we are not. Now we are strong. But, trying to prove her that you are not weak anymore, is being weak. The best thing to do from now on regarding them is: Nothing. Do not feed this thought, but one day she will realise the F**k she did. It will be late though

From now on, You. Just. Don't. Care. Period.

It's all in my head. I could just as easily picture her crying over my photos and praying for a way we could make things work and feel better about it, but this too is just in my own mind.
If I can adapt my way of thinking and change my perception, I can get on with my life and enjoy it again.

Instead of picture her crying, which is not healthly, will not help you move on and besides of being a f**king lie,

Picture this: SHE IS DEAD.

I've found some basic instructions on how to do this and mantra meditation which I'm putting into practice. I'm feeling inspired, but it's taking a while to get into. If I start gaining something from this then I'll definitely seek more and consider paying for it.
I'm also following some meditations by Joe Dispenza in his book that are meant to give you the power to alter your subconscious beliefs and rewire your brain. It's fascinating stuff, but it takes some time to put into practice.

I'm not trying to sell anything in here, since I'm in the other side of the planet. But hear this.

Stop being cheap. And pay for the Damn thing. It will certainly help you. You will not gain sh*t if you don't do it properly. And the only way to do it properly is to learn it properly. And there's only ONE way to learn it properly, which is, PAYING THE DAMNED CLASSES.

F**k Joe Dispenza, that sh*t is hard as f**k. TM is easy. A toddler can do it. You learn it in one day. And you get the benefit in the first few days, including day one. Meditation is supposed to be easy man. Think about. How could you relax your mind if you are having so much trouble focusing in something so hard.

Pay for the course. Reap from the benefits. It's a small investment for the rest of your life. Trust Me man. Meditate is easy and is soothing. Anything you are doing that is not like this, it's wrong.

Lotus Effect, glad you are doing better, I notice that you don't think too highly of your ex anymore, you've taken her off that pedestal. I feel you've passed the point of no return - pretty soon you'll be indifferent. It's amazing how we evolve after relationships, one day you will wake up and realize the pain is gone, and most of all, you won't miss it.

Thanks bro, you've been REALLY helpfull in my recovery during this last few days, and I'm so glad that you showed up in the right time. Had you showed up before, maybe I would handled the situation with more clarity, which would be good for maybe getting back together with her. I'm better off where I am right now. Lot's of mistakes. Lot's of experience!
Thanks man!

Should have a SS meet up in Brazil, can't see anything bad about chilling on the beach with a bunch of hot Brazilian women to help us forget about the ones that f***ed us over. O the trouble we could get into.
---
Hey man, I have never been to Brazil, i'm afraid I will never come back if I went, Copacabana beach is where it's at - so I hear, loll Take care my brother

Well, not sure about a meet up, I don't want to be seen walking around with a lot of wackos from the web hahahaha! :crazy:

But you should all come to Brazil once if you have the chance. It's completely different from what all of you guys imagine! I assure you that. And Rio is the best. It's not vulgar. It's just a nice beach, with a nice vibe over it, with people chilling and hot girls walking around in bikinis 365 days per year! Oh, the girls from Rio. The original Heartbreakers. Blondes with golden skin and soft voice... Can make a grown man cry!

I'm going over there for the new year's eve . So should you!
Peace!