Day 25:
I had a long period of respite last night where I felt clear about things, where the pain subsided and I started thinking very positively about moving on. I started reviewing my break up and started seeing it from a very different perspective.
I have not and do not intend to break no contact, but I'm now left wondering if I'm seeing things more clearly or if my mind is attempting to play tricks on me.
When I thought about how we broke up, she was so cold and angry at me. There was no gentle let down or explanation how she's fallen out of love with me, it was just pure venom and anger and it genuinely seems that in her mind I was to blame.
She told me she'd just been through the hardest week in her life and needed some space to deal with some things. We had talked in previous months and I had agreed to give her the space when this time came. However, when she requested it I took it badly and instantly reacted by telling her we should just end things and move on, I immediately deleted her from FB and removed my messenger picture of her and me. I behaved like a spoilt brat!
When I look at it like that, I was a selfish bastard who broke up with her during a bad time and was very blunt about doing so. What's more, I showed her a very immature and insecure side of myself, and she called me on it.
It was only
after I sent that text saying we should end things that she activated her dating profile...and put up our special photo that hurt me so much. And that was the only update she made to her profile. When I confronted her about it, she wasn't defensive...she was spiteful and cold. She even threw things back in my face saying, "you were the one who said to move on, so I'm moving on" and "I wondered how long it would take you to get back on that dating site and there you are!" as if she'd been pre-empting me going on there and had put her profile and that hurtful photo online to purposely hurt me.
Ok, so this is an entirely different perspective that changes everything and shows that I am the one who lost my composure and acted insecure (which I have to admit to)...and I'm the one to blame for the break up.
What got me worked up to this state of paranoid is that she had been slightly distant and cancelled a couple of dates the weeks leading upto. She also stopped saying "I love you". I confess that I read a lot into that, perhaps too much. I mean, she still continued to text me every day, still used her loving pet names for me, shared a sexual fantasy about me and said things like "I miss you so much" and "I'm so happy I get to see you tomorrow". She even referred to a few memories in her texts saying what amazing days we had and how thinking of it always brings a smile to her face.
So now I'm left wondering if this whole break up is my doing. Did I fvck up and let my paranoia and insecurity getting the best of me? I've known all along that I was getting insecure and needy, especially in the later month of the relationship and I fear this may have clouded my judgement during this time.
I also have to consider the fact that she was dealing with her biggest divorce court case and had received some bad news regarding finances that changed everything.
What's more, a lot of past memories about her marriage was obviously being dragged up, including a lot of emotions related to her ex. Perhaps she needed the space to let those emotions settle and couldn't give me the love and attention I was craving at that time. She'd already told me a couple of months in advance she would need space during this time because she didn't want her stress to ruin our relationship. I agreed to it and I understood, but I blew it.
All this time I've been jumping to a worst case scenario that she'd been plotting to string me along while she looked for another man, using stress as an excuse and asking for space so I'd be her safety net.
That paranoid thought process and paranoia comes from my own insecurities I guess, but also from many of the woman-hating seduction gurus and PUAs who believe the slightest blip in a relationship means she's cheating or looking to cheat.
I know if I started a topic right now saying "My girlfriend is stressed" I'd get several responses saying she's got another man or is looking to branch swing...and that's exactly how I was thinking. I'd had this paranoia instilled in me.
I never considered that maybe she had a legitimate reason for wanting space or needing me to step back, even though I'd seen her losing weight from stress, getting ill, seeking anti depressants and medical consultation and getting worked up into a panic over it all. That was definitely not an act.
So is my mind playing tricks on me or am I starting to see the break up from a more objective point of view?
Rest assured, it changes nothing in terms of no contact. I won't break it because there's nothing I can do now. I showed her an insecure and offputting side to myself now and that alone has damaged the relationship and her view of me beyond repair. In that case, no contact still applies because I need to detach from her, to heal and get over my neediness and my insecurity.
So that's day 25. Feeling clearer and more stable, and yet still questioning my own mind.
