Need some advice from someone outside the situation

[Greasy Pig]

It sounds like you're on a power trip, OP.
You're enjoying making this girl jump through your hoops and professing her interest no matter how badly you treat her.
I've been there and it was fun. But she sounds like a fvcking nutcase, mate. Seriously, b1tches like that WILL find a way to fvck you over.
They just somehow know what buttons to press and when they find that chink in your armour, she'll exploit it like a motherfvcker.
I've been there too and all my chickens came home to roost in a way that fvcked me up.
Basically, she found another dude but kept flirting with me, playing the game and telling me sh1t I wanted to hear. I still thought I was in control but then one day she just went hard NC and really flaunted her new relationship in front of me in a way that demeaned me and shattered the little illusion I'd created for myself.
It hurt like hell, and I knew then from my crushed feelings, that she had checkmated me real good and proper. I thought I was the master but really, I was just the stupid little monkey dancing on the organ grinder.
Get out now with some pride intact.

 

[Itsjustme]

Your right, I am treating her bad, that's what she seems to thrive on. In my mind it's like a game I have to win.. She didn't call last night, so after a few beers I ended up sending her a text. saying I was disappointed she didn't call. I was drunk, I shouldn't have done that lol

Me: Disappointed, I was actually expecting you to call, I guess I lost my head, probably because I wanted to.

Your actions have always said more than your words, that's why i don't fall for them anymore.

I did enjoy the ride though.

About an hour later she responds:

I wanted to call but you said you'd consider it not that you wanted it. You gave me no insight that you wanted to see me for real after I left office at 930-945. I still want you but needed encouragement which you didn't provide so by fear of rejection... I didn't call.

I hate that I can't read you lately - you say you lost your head probably because you wanted to... Sigh it saddens me. I really wanted to call but you also give off the I want space vibe... ****. I messed up n misread you tonight. I'm disappointed with myself.

Sends a sad looking picture of herself.


Then I wake up in the middle of the night and reply:

Nice house clothes.. I gotta be honest. It's really ****in sad where we end up after where we've been.

Oh yea and as far as the "mindfuk" goes that was all you baby. (She accused me of mindfuking her towards the end..)

Thanks for the "space" all it did was let me know I was making the right decision. Night

This morning she replies:
I tried to see you all last weekend... I go to work early to try and find you and you don't even hug me.. It's not the right decision. I don't want to push you so im simply giving you what you asked for. I am not a mindreader honey. Pls reconsider. Don't make a final call right now.



I never responded then she came out to my area looking for me once she got to work, couldn't find me, called me but I didn't answer so she left a note asking me if she could come over tonight...


I can't win this game.. I lost it a long time ago and now i'm just a freaking chump. You guys are right i'm only fooling myself. I need to just walk away no matter how hard that may be..

 

[Itsjustme]

Now she followed me out to my truck when i was leaving work and stood inside the door so i couldn't close it. Talking about how much she loves me and how badly I affect her mood how she now feels like how did she word it, something like.. nothing but my physical attraction for her leads her to believe I want her for anything other than to fuk. Yet she was practically begging to come over tonight and she said she's still coming even if I say no. Says she didn't know what she had until she lost it she doesn't just want me physically she wants my mind and soul as well Says she knows she screwed up bad and just wants another chance because she can't prove she's changed if I won't let her see me.

Oh boy.. This isn't gonna be easy.. How do you get away from someone like this when you still have feelings for them?

 

[Mouser]

If she is BPD...

And she's still doing the guy sleeping on her couch.

She could get you fired with a false aggravated sexual assault (rape) accusation.

If you let her move in she could go for your house and/or palimoni.

You might want to read abit about victims of BPD women; false pregnacies, real pregnancies, branch swinging, emotional vampirism. impulsive sex with strangers, promiscuous sex with several partners, lying about everything.

You might want to really learn about what you have got yourself into.

Borderline personality dissorder is a sibling to anti-social personality dissorder (i.e. psycho/sociopath).

Watch your six.

 

[Itsjustme]

Just an update to everything thats gone on over the last week or so. She did end up coming over that night we talked she ended up telling me this guy that was sleeping on her couch brought a big box full of condoms and some sex toys in it. She said she thinks he's some kind of distributor or sales guy or something. Apparently he had told her and her roomate to go through the box and if there was anything in there that they wanted to take it.

So she shows me this finger vibrator that she took and said she wanted to use it with me.. I didn't flip my **** I very calmly told her I wanted her to leave. Lots of crying ensued. She said she couldn't kick the guy out, I told her if that was more important to her then that was what she should do. i never argued with her actually I agreed with her more than anything and in the end she asked. What if I was to move out and stay somewhere else?

She peaked my curiousity so we pursued this and it came about she had an inflatable mattress with a leak that she could sleep on in my guest bedroom this went back and forth for awhile before I told her she could sleep on the couch.

Well she hasn't slept on the couch one night yet, every night she's in my bed, one night I even woke up at 4am and told her i wanted her to blow me and she happily complied... oh and it was freaking incredible...

Over the past couple days she started moving her clothes back in... She leaves love notes on my truck the night before that i find when i leave the next morning for work, she leaves love notes on my pillow that i find when I come home from work. I've given her the option to stay home several times when it was way more convenient for her to go to her place than it was to come to mine to the point that it meant she only got 3 hours of sleep one night before work yet she refuses and always wants to come here.

She did 3 weeks worth of laundry and cleaned the whole house did the dishes etc She makes the bed every morning, she gets up at 5am to let the puppy out so he doesn't pee in the house and cleans up after him if he does.

She's telling me she's ready to commit, she's grown so much in the last few weeks etc She's gone so far as to tell me she wants to have a kid but clarifies she would never stop taking her bc without telling me.

The "boss lady" has apparently taken on the roll of counselor because she was so depressed it was affecting her work so now the "boss lady" has been taking a personal interest and talking to me about things too.

She tells me this girl loves me to death says i'm the perfect man for her but she's not ready to give up her freedom, she says she cares about me an incredible amount etc This was 2 weeks ago they had this conversation...

So I tell boss lady everything that's been going on how she hasn't left for a week, moving clothes in, wants to commit to a serious relationship and even wants to have a kid now. Boss lady says that's quite a turnaround for a couple weeks time, says she doesn't believe her when she says this. I tell her I don't believe her either but i still wonder about it all.

I'm trying the best I can to keep myself detached emotionally but it's becoming very hard. I start to question myself and wether i'm the problem because I know i've made alot of mistakes too.

 

[Iceberg]

From experience: The ego boost is a product of 1. You having low self esteem to begin with which is why you overlooked all the red flags AND/OR 2. Her mind games dropping your self esteem and making you a codependent.

I just kind of assumed that it's best not to talk to this guy anymore.

He's doing his own thing. Our help isn't changing anything.

 

[Itsjustme]

Well Until she screws up again I just figure why the hell should I run her off? I get the house cleaned, laundry done, dinner made. Sex and head as much as I want it, actually the sex is sometimes more than I want it.. The stuff she's saying and the way she's treating me right now is total wife material. i fully expect this to change at some point, I've even told her this and she swears she's gonna prove me wrong, make me eat my words etc

I have to see her close to every day for the next 4 months, so why not make the best of it and give her a chance to prove me wrong. My head is much clearer these days. I'm fully prepared for things to come to an end in the near future and if by some miraculous turn of events they don't well hey it was worth it. If they do, which most likely they will, then i've learned a lesson through experience not just from reading replies on a message board.

I do appreciate each and everyone of you for your advice and I'm not ignoring it, i'm learning from it, as well as experiencing it.

 

[cordoncordon]

Well Until she screws up again I just figure why the hell should I run her off? I get the house cleaned, laundry done, dinner made. Sex and head as much as I want it, actually the sex is sometimes more than I want it.. The stuff she's saying and the way she's treating me right now is total wife material. i fully expect this to change at some point, I've even told her this and she swears she's gonna prove me wrong, make me eat my words etc

I have to see her close to every day for the next 4 months, so why not make the best of it and give her a chance to prove me wrong. My head is much clearer these days. I'm fully prepared for things to come to an end in the near future and if by some miraculous turn of events they don't well hey it was worth it. If they do, which most likely they will, then i've learned a lesson through experience not just from reading replies on a message board.

I do appreciate each and everyone of you for your advice and I'm not ignoring it, i'm learning from it, as well as experiencing it.

I don't think you are learning anything. In fact I think you are just as psycho and needy as she is, maybe more so. You will be dealing with this for a long to come, mark my words. Good luck.

 

[Iceberg]

I don't think you are learning anything. In fact I think you are just as psycho and needy as she is, maybe more so. You will be dealing with this for a long to come, mark my words. Good luck.

Yep. The guy's a lost cause.

Well Until she screws up again I just figure why the hell should I run her off? I get the house cleaned, laundry done, dinner made. Sex and head as much as I want it, actually the sex is sometimes more than I want it.. The stuff she's saying and the way she's treating me right now is total wife material.

Wow! She performs the regular duties of a normal grownup?! Sounds like a trailer park fantasy.

Here's a thought. How about you do your own laundry and dishes, and date someone who isn't a lunatic?

Oh right. Because you can't.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

1.Your own sanity
2.Your own wellbeing
3.Your own self-respect
4.Your own desire for a real relationship


All of these require higher self-esteem than you currently have. I would recommend that you solve that problem as well as throwing this girl away.

I would recommend therapy. Seriously. We're talking about a dude who didn't move out of his mom's until he was in his late 30's. And now he's dating some ghetto skank because she does his laundry or some nonsense.

Either that, or he's a troll. I mean, you gotta admit....it's one thing to come on here and ask advice about a crazy situation.

It's another thing to COMPLETELY ignore that advice, and yet continue to repeatedly post here.

 

[Itsjustme]

Your right, I guess it is a waste of time posting here..

 

[Die Hard]

Not neccesarily, Itsjustme.

Some guys are becoming kinda disrespectful in their comments now, I see that. It's because they're absolutely convinced you're dong the wrong thing. I agree on that, probably 9 out of 10 guys on this forum agree on that, we all think you're doing the wrong thing. It's frustrating to see someone getting himself into a mess, despite your efforts to keep him out of that mess. Some choose to communicate that frustration and become kinda disrespectful in doing so. Others just stay silent coz there's nothing more to say at the moment. You have to do your own thing and experience for yourself if your decisions with this girl are stupid or not.

Personally, I'm convinced you will eventually realize that you ARE making a mistake. You don't see it now but you will later on.. Once that moment comes, you'll be open to our advice and will follow up on it instead of disregarding it. Perhaps the guys who are fed up with you now, will not spend anymore energy on you at that time, but all the guys who are silently observing this thread now, will hand you advice at that time. So let me repeat my former post:

Go ahead, dude. Wallow in the constant push-and-pull, embrace the mindfvck and enjoy the constant chase for certainty!

Not dizzy from it all yet? Don't worry, it'll come... It takes some time, the draining of your energy is going slowly...but you'll wear out eventually.

We'll be here to help you recover afterwards...

Keep us updated, I honestly find it very interesting to read your experiences with this girl. In the meantime, I would advice you to do a search for "cluster B" and "BPD" on the forum. Your story is nothing new, there have been quite some threads on here by guys who were in the exact same situation you're in. It can't hurt to read up on them!

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Not neccesarily, Itsjustme.

Some guys are becoming kinda disrespectful in their comments now, I see that.

You're right. And I'm one of those disrespectful people. I'm sorry for that.

It just pisses me off to have someone come here, ask for advice, and then just blow it off. Actually, that's not what annoys me. What annoys me is that he ignores the advice and THEN comes back for more. Like, come on dude, we just devoted 3 pages to your issue. If you don't like the advice, dont come here. Or at least spare us the updates where you blatantly ignored our advice.

"Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you a quick update on how I'm telling you all to go f**k yourselves. But thanks for the advice anyway!"

 

[scrouds]

I want you to know, she has a really good thing going on. You weren't getting what you needed so you kicked her to the curb.

Then she came back and she gave you an offer. She would get a lot more, and would throw a couple things in for you, like laundry. Its probably a worse deal then you had before, but since you got a little something, you took it.

Its like going to buy a car. You find one, kick the tires and think, nah this isn't a good deal for me. The guy then comes back with a real beater, offers it to you at double the price, but will throw in some new floor mats and a cupholder. And you think, you know I could use a cupholder, i'll take it. Its not a good deal for you.

 

[Boilermaker]

Don't worry about people like Iceberg who would sit in their living rooms, and get some satisfaction in bashing guys like you.
It is not a waste of time posting here, and Iceberg is definitely not the only representative. Genius calls "giving head, cooking, infinite sex" as normal duties of a grownup. He-he , Makes me wonder who actually lives in a trailer

It's funny how people take shreds of knowledge you provide them and then use that tiny bit to argue against you. Thse are not helpers, these are depressed, sad men who find the time to attack strangers like you because they can't see your face. Anyway, enough of that. Don't take this too seriously.

Deleting facebook IS a big indication for willingness to change. None of these keyboard junkies are psychiatrists, nor that they have any training in recognizing a BPD. Don't ask that question here, nobody is an expert. Everybody is entangled in their own prejudice, even HERE.


Your story looks typical enough. She may be sincere. Remember the Iron Rules, as long as you are preserving your territory, as long as you are the man, as long as the final word is yours %75-80 of the time within reason and common sense, you are OK.

You can forgive people you don't have to kick anyone to the curb. People like Iceberg will advise to next her in a flash, and you 'll find out he's been with the same chubby girl for the past 10 years in a later post ..

I know it's a sensitive time, but I hope you can get to a stage where you can look at the BASICS.

I recommend reading what Jophil used to write. Or Rollo, or some of the veterans. DieHard seems to be the voice of common sense in this thread. You should be selective in getting advice, but at the same time you should be honest with yourself. The basics are invariant. The rest is details, details, details,..


Good luck

 

[Itsjustme]

Boilermaker,

Thanks man, you just described exactly the way i'm feeling. It seems like some folks need me to follow their advice to the T in order to get some sort of validation. I'm a grown man if I want to give her a chance to prove herself and things take a turn for the worst again I can handle it. Yea it might hurt a bit but life goes on. I was happy before I met her and i'll be happy after if that be the case.

In the meantime things are better than they have ever been, she want's me to go out of town with her this weekend to meet her parents. She's talking kids and marriage. I'm still kind of laughing alot of this stuff off but she honestly does seem sincere. It's not just me she's telling this stuff to, she's telling everyone. Right now she's the perfect girlfriend and there's no reason to kick her to the curb but I won't hesitate to do so in the future if things go back to the way they were.

There's that old saying "if you love someone set them free.." Well as of right now that applies 1000% here. If all the cynics end up being right i'm not too big of a man to admit it, don't worry i'll come back and eat my crow but in the meantime i'm just gonna enjoy the ride and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

[AW1983]

You guys should ease up a bit. What is the number one reason we're all so passionate about avoiding cluster-B's at all cost?

Personal Experience.

This guy has to learn on his own, whether it goes well or not. Now people can definitely change, but to the OP:

I will warn you that my very own cluster-B experience, which lasted only two months would sincerely and convincingly talk about changinginf for the better, and even enact some small changes, but it was a facade. She also talked about getting married and having kids, etc. Just be careful man...be very, very sparing in how much of your emotion you invest in this girl, at least until she's proven herself over a substantial period of time. Word to the wise.

 

[Itsjustme]

You guys should ease up a bit. What is the number one reason we're all so passionate about avoiding cluster-B's at all cost?

Personal Experience.

This guy has to learn on his own, whether it goes well or not. Now people can definitely change, but to the OP:

I will warn you that my very own cluster-B experience, which lasted only two months would sincerely and convincingly talk about changinginf for the better, and even enact some small changes, but it was a facade. She also talked about getting married and having kids, etc. Just be careful man...be very, very sparing in how much of your emotion you invest in this girl, at least until she's proven herself over a substantial period of time. Word to the wise.

I agree man, I'm being careful, who knows what's gonna happen.. But at least this way if I do end up walking away I won't have to wonder what could have been, I'll know what it was. That alone will make it far easier to leave things in the past.

 

[Die Hard]

Update?

 

[yuppaz]

Wow - you let her move in with you, just like that? I'm glad I'm not your neighbor / or in your situation my man.... that was a serious, serious mistake you just made.