Need some advice from someone outside the situation

[Itsjustme]

Update.. Everything is great. I actually went to her hometown with her for Easter met her parents (Stayed the weekend with them in seperate rooms), her mom who initially hated the idea of her 26 year old daughter dating a 41 year old man now loves me and actually told her if she wasn't serious she should cut things off now because "i'm a really good person" I'm an old soul etc.. Had alot of great conversation with her. I'm glad she doesn't know some of the things me and her daughter have done lol

She went and got more of her clothes to move in over the weekend. She's still talking marriage and kids although with a more reasonable 3 year timespan. She tells me she loves me, adores me, i'm awesome all kinds of crazy stuff every day. leaves me love notes around the house (I usually leave a couple hours before her and get home a couple hours before as well. Half the time we go out to eat she pays and i've never asked her to pay ever.

I had given her a promise ring in Dec shes been wearing it everyday on her ring finger since we got back togethor. She does the laundry, cleans house, she's slacking a bit on the cooking but I can't really complain she's working like 12-14 hour days and I'm usually only doing 10-12. She went and bought some new lingerie this weekend that she wants to wear tonight. Speaking of that she wants to have sex way more than I can keep up with sometimes..

The only bad thing that's happened is when she went home to get clothes last night she went out with her roomie (the girl, I think the guy is gone) and got drunk and decided to get her nose pierced even though when she asked my opinion my response was "Hell no" I later ended up telling her I just wasn't into it but she should do whatever she wanted.

So now tonight she want's me to "play doctor" and remove her piercing before "sexy time" because she doesn't want it anymore lol

I gotta be honest every once in awhile the thoughts of the past do creep up in my mind and make me wonder is she really doing this, is she really doing that but she usually removes most all doubt like last night actually I should say yesterday she kept texting me pics of her and her girl out and about and telling me how much she loved me. I was even texting with her girl who also told me she loved me after some chatter back and forth lol (Not seriously) She was home by 8pm even though she was drunk and she apologized profusely for it this morning and like I said she wants to take the piercing out tonight.

Life is great, you know whoever said we were two needy co-dependent people might be right but it's nice to have someone that needs you just as much or more than you need them and is willing to be vulnerable enough to show it. That goes a long way toward building trust and forgetting about the past and just looking towards the future. If it does end it's gonna suck but you know what? I won't regret it because the ride was absolutely positively worth it.

 

[Itsjustme]

This is a toxic relationship and you're playing daddy...this is more for lurkers reading this thread and in similar situations that for you though.

I'll be sure to keep this updated for the same reason. Like i said i have no problem with eating crow. the whole purpose of this website is for others to learn from our experience after all and maybe not everyone's experience is the same? Nothing but time will tell.

 

[AW1983]

I'll be sure to keep this updated for the same reason. Like i said i have no problem with eating crow. the whole purpose of this website is for others to learn from our experience after all and maybe not everyone's experience is the same? Nothing but time will tell.

You may or may not be walking into the fire, but that's a pretty fvcking cool attitude to have nonetheless. Be sure to post back in every once in a while with the progress man, and best of luck!

 

[Itsjustme]

Everything still good guys. Decided to log on here because she's working late tonight and of course first thing crossed my mind was something's fishy but I think i'm starting to realize that alot of the problems in this relationship were/are my own. She really is a good girl, she has a very flirtatious personality which used to drive me nuts but lately I catch myself and wonder why because..

She does everything in the world to make me comfortable. She doesn't wan't to change who she is and all along i've been trying to change her even though what I was most attracted to was just the way she was.. To her.. So wtf was I trying to change that?

The whole thing has been a huge learning experience for me and i'm grateful for it, even if I do get burned in the end (Those thoughts do still creep up from time to time) I'm still happy for all this. I've learned the biggest part of the problem are my own insecurities, so worried about losing what I have that i'm willing to fk it up trying to secure it rather than just enjoy it while it lasts. The whole jealousy/this that and the other thing... It turns you into a controlling person wanting to know where shes at what shes doing, who cares?

I'm just so happy when i'm with her and she makes me feel like the most important person in the world even when i'm not that i'm just starting to feel like an ******* for treating her the way I have. She can live her life and I can live mine as long as were happy together nothing else matters.

AFC? Maybe.. Don't know don't care, gonna enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts. I never got anywhere before in my life without taking chances so why stop now? Especially when it feels so good.

 

[Itsjustme]

Got to be honest,

Not so happy tonight.. I dont know if its old insecurities or not. took her on vacation for Memorial weekend, was her idea she wanted to get away so booked this a few weeks ago. Had a good time but she seemed a bit distant at times kinda just moody like happy and wants to **** then next day doesnt and says "I broke her *****" day before because we ****ed 4-5 times.

We are sharing vehicles, first hers broke and I took her to work for a few days before she got a rental then mine broke and I took over her rental car for a week before returning it since we were going away for the weekend. i have her car now and she seemed pretty insistent on me leaving work a few hours ago. She says because she doesn't want me to have to wait around for her but I told her it's the least i could do since she was giving me her car for the time being...

Anyways on the ride in this morning she seemed to still be in a mood not her usual talkative cheery self, seemed like this kinda went on all weekend with little spurts of her being the way she normally has been and the rest of the time being grumpy. we barely talked at all on the ride in this morning and today she spent most of the day venting to me about work stuff.

I have been brushing it off for the most part kind of distancing myself without letting her know anything is wrong but it's just not the same right now. She's never not wanted to have sex in the past except for the time she got a UTI because we were having so much sex..

Just gonna play it cool for now and see what transpires over the next few days.. I know immediate reaction to not wanting to have sex is "shes ****ing someone else" but at the same time I don't want to over react as it's caused problems in the past and I was proven wrong in the end.

Just living and learning with each day that passes and trying my best to keep you guys updated.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Thanks man. At least you're going in with eyes wide open.
Be ever watchful.

 

[Itsjustme]

Yea man, here's the thing that bothers me when I finally did go to pick her up around 9pm hers and another "guy friend" of hers were the only cars in the parking lot. She came out and the other guy promptly came out behind her and locked the door to the place. He was wearing different clothes than he had on previously in the day. It set me back a bit. I haven't said anything about it, was acting distant last night when she asked me why I told her I know her well enough to know when somethings bothering her and i'm just giving her space to figure things out. She asked for a hug before bed last night and I told her I wasn't feeling it, she started crying said she felt like I didnt want anything to do with her anymore.

Pretty much the same continued this morning so I don't know whats up right now. I do know that given the past i'm not comfortable with this situation.

I'm stressed out with other stuff going on right now, car broke down gonna cost a fortune to fix, having to use her car in the meantime and possibly find a new vehicle. Have money in the bank but just bought a house so don't want to spend it. An old friend of mine just lost his house and I let him move in so me and her don't get alot of alone time anymore that's kinda why I was surprised at the distance on vacation.

I don't know really just taking it one day at a time and we'll see where things end up. Not sure i'f i'm just gonna lay it on her that i'm not comfortable with this situation or play it by ear and see what transpires at this point.

 

[Itsjustme]

It's quite possible, maybe even highly likely..but hey nothing beats a try but a failure and it's only through failure that we eventually learn to succeed.

 

[Itsjustme]

Well honestly I wasnt sad I was pretty damn happy. It's just that I don't know if it's me always assuming the worst that puts me in this position of always trying to find something wrong in relationships. honestly this one started off rough but the last few months have been perfect up until the last couple days.

I did finally say something to her about it, she says the guy works out after he leaves thats why he changed clothes. I do remember hearing this before so it's plausible. She said he had to stay and wait there with her because the boss has a policy that noone is ever alone in the office. Which is true i have heard this before. Theres only a few of them that have keys to lock the place up she and he are both one of them. The main boss from la is down now and he was there late with the local boss so she had to wait for them both to leave before she could leave which is why they were the only ones left in the building when I got there.

I don't know, it's true I do always assume the worst mainly due to the past but is she really putting me in that position anymore? This was all basically work circumstances, she was just doing her job apparently and now I feel like an *******.

She offered to show me her phone, computer anything... In fact she's pleading with me to look at them. Like I said a few posts up, anytime this happens anymore I end up feeling like an idiot...

 

[Itsjustme]

Happy because she's the perfect girlfriend lol Young cute great personality we kinda just click and on top of it she does the laundry, cleans house, cooks dinner even if she's been at work all day and i've been home. She washes my truck for me. We changed her brakes a few weekends ago, I showed her how to do it on the first brake then she jumped in and did the second one greasy fingernails and all. Just all the little things like that. She offers to pay for lunch, dinner, movies drinks whatever all the time even though I make 10x as much money as her.

She has been doing pretty good ever since we got back togethor, I mean she tells everyone at work about us, she has a picture of us togethor hanging up behind her desk. People I don't even know have come up to me starting conversations saying so your going out with so and so etc

It's just hard to let go of the past, it creeps up every once in awhile like this and gets the best of me. She acknowledges it's her fault though and apologizes for it even though apparently i'm the one being the *******.

I don't know if it's the interest level tanking, maybe, her response since I brought this up is that she wants to be togethor, swears on her families life it's me and only me and she wants to put all her effort into us and if I think she's slacking to tell her and she'll try harder, she really wants things to work etc

Most of this is via text because she's at work still and i'm home now. haven't spoken to her for like an hour or so.. Still soaking it all in but i'm feeling like a fool again.

 

[betheman]

I think we will need a big net for this haul

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Happy because she's the perfect girlfriend lol Young cute great personality we kinda just click and on top of it she does the laundry, cleans house, cooks dinner even if she's been at work all day and i've been home. She washes my truck for me. We changed her brakes a few weekends ago, I showed her how to do it on the first brake then she jumped in and did the second one greasy fingernails and all. Just all the little things like that. She offers to pay for lunch, dinner, movies drinks whatever all the time even though I make 10x as much money as her.

She has been doing pretty good ever since we got back togethor, I mean she tells everyone at work about us, she has a picture of us togethor hanging up behind her desk. People I don't even know have come up to me starting conversations saying so your going out with so and so etc

It's just hard to let go of the past, it creeps up every once in awhile like this and gets the best of me. She acknowledges it's her fault though and apologizes for it even though apparently i'm the one being the *******.

I don't know if it's the interest level tanking, maybe, her response since I brought this up is that she wants to be togethor, swears on her families life it's me and only me and she wants to put all her effort into us and if I think she's slacking to tell her and she'll try harder, she really wants things to work etc

Most of this is via text because she's at work still and i'm home now. haven't spoken to her for like an hour or so.. Still soaking it all in but i'm feeling like a fool again.

Perfect girlfriends cheat? I'm glad I don't live where your at.

 

[Itsjustme]

Honestly I think every girl cheats at one point or another, the ones you think don't are just better at it...

But yea when you find out about it, it really ****s things up!

 

[Greasy Pig]

My old man says "always trust your gut" and he's been proven right again and again.
If you feel she's distant and then find out she's hanging with other dudes, that's a classic cheating scenario.
She might've only done it once and is now trying to convince you (and herself) that she's devoted.
Never underestimate how conniving, clever and convincing they can be.
Good luck.

 

[Gro0ver]

Honestly I think every girl cheats at one point or another, the ones you think don't are just better at it...

But yea when you find out about it, it really ****s things up!

No, some women are genuinely decent and would get torn apart by guilt if they cheated.

You honestly don't seem to believe you can do better and that's the root of the issue from your side of things. I suggest you work on your self esteem bro because I suspect she's propping it up. Enjoy the sex etc but be prepared to walk at any time.

 

[Itsjustme]

It's all good guys, we talked the other night. She's not hanging with other guys, it was a guy she works with and it was a perfectly reasonable explanation. I'm just an idiot sometimes but i'm glad she puts up with it.

 

[Itsjustme]

@samspade: Reading this forum does that to me sometimes lol

 

[Itsjustme]

Nah bro, I don't live in her world, she has hers and I have mine but we still have become dependent on each other not in a like I can't live without you kind of way but more of i'm just so much happier when i'm with you that i'll always make time for you and make you one of the biggest priorities in my life kind of way, simply because I want to.

She was an ego boost for quite awhile but it's not like that anymore I have other girls hitting on me these days and I could totally pursue something else if I wanted. She did make me realize I am the prize here and there is no reason to ever put up with any woman's **** but at the same time there's a big difference between putting up with someone's **** just to be with them and putting up with someone's **** because they put up with yours and you both love each other and want to learn about each other and HELP each other become a better person. She helps me every day wether I realize it or not.

At some point in our lives we all have to man up and realize that everything is not always the other persons fault. We all have our flaws and finding someone else that understands you and accepts you for who you are and wants to help you rather than hurt you when you **** up, someone that helps you grow as a person, well hey that's pretty hard to find and to me it's worth putting the past behind us in order to see where things go from here.

At some point you gotta stop looking for all the bad and just look at the good and appreciate it for what it is. Nothing is ever perfect but eventually you can find something pretty close.

 

[Itsjustme]

Here's what i've learned through all of this.. Never depend on anyone else for your happiness. Do what you want to do, let down your guard, fall in love, enjoy it while it lasts. Quit worrying about "the end" quit worrying about getting hurt, quit worrying about winning or losing. Just be the man you want to be and let the woman you want into your life and see where that life takes you.

Who cares what the future holds? Deep down inside the older we get the more we all want that fairytale Disney ending it's not just the women. And you don't stand a snowballs chance in hell of ever finding that as long as your sweating the details and depending on advice from others trying to make it happen. Noone knows your situation better than yourself and you can't make it happen, it just happens..

When or if it ends, put your ego aside and be grateful for what you had and what you learned. Every experience moves you forward..and so far i'm still moving forward.

Cheers to everyone for all the advice, it really does help put things in perspective but in the end it all comes down to you and the person you are and maybe just one day finding that other person that understands you and accepts you that way.

Quit trying to be someone else, it's true, just be yourself because that's who you're going to be for the rest of your life, with or without that other person!

 

[roflzaur]

Here's the story, have been dating this girl for almost a year she cheated on me with her ex of 3 years in the first 3 months while we were dating.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Loyalty and trust are #1 in my book for a relationship. Doc Love even says so in his book.

I would end it personally. If I am attached, I might **** this girl every once and a while/tag this girl along to raise my value to other women to get a better girl. I wouldn't get serious with her.