Need some advice from someone outside the situation

[Itsjustme]

It's here, the moment you've all been waiting for. Yes i'm here to eat my crow, yes it's over.. I don't regret it though, im grateful for every moment I had with her. She was twisted in the beginning but hell so was I

Damn it hurts like hell, i'm really not even sure why it's over but basically her lease was up on the 15th of this month so all of a sudden it was "official" she was moving in, even though she had been here every day for the last 3-4 months, she was already living here, everything seemed so perfect it was to the point that I was actually feeling she was being too needy, constantly wanting attention which in the beginning was never a problem because hell she was my life, I adored her and she was all I cared about i'd rather spend time with her than do anything else, anyway.

But alas all good things come to an end she told me she was scared of living here and I pretty much lost it told her to pack up her **** and gtfo even helped her do it. Long story short she says she has commitment issues and things she doesn't understand that she needs to figure out on her own, she's only 27 and she needs to be single...

I'm sure its just an excuse, the attraction really started to fade for me toward the end (i'm sure she felt the same), the sex wasn't the same, I wasn't as happy as I had been and i'm sure she wasn't either. I was drinking more and more and caring less and less about spending time with her. Was having a hard time getting off when we did have sex because of the drinking and I blamed it on her.

I made alot of mistakes and I have to share alot of the blame, she was no angel don't get me wrong but neither was I. I'm not jaded, I don't think she's an evil person or anything like that, I don't think she has BPD etc The blame is not all mine but I screwed up and I know it and now I gotta eat my crow, man up and move on. It hurts like hell, you never realize what you had til it's gone but i'm grateful for the experience.

 

[The Gambler]

Itsjustme, my man, I had to register just now so I could say, for the record, that this is officially one of the BEST THREADS EVER! We are the same age, for whatever that is worth, and a few things about you are fascinating...

Probably the biggest thing I marvel at is how you seem to have low self-confidence on one hand, but still have routinely engaged in wild sex... especially right there at work! I'm tellin' ya, with a bit of self-improvement, you could be a hell of a DJ.

One thing to remember, my friend... You WILL hear from this gal again, and you know it. This story is far from over unless YOU want it to be.

Looking forward to future updates.

Regards -- The Gambler

 

[Greasy Pig]

Yep, good on you for the update.

And yes, she will come crawling back at some point but what will you do, OP?

If she's been out riding the c0ck carousel and then comes back to settle with you, are you going to accept it?

I think you should place a higher value on yourself. Treasure the experience and become a better, more confident man.

 

[Itsjustme]

Thanks for the encouragment fellas, she has already contacted me, this wasn't a no contact thing. We still have to keep contact until she gets the rest of her furniture but it's just been cordial text.. I'll be by Saturday to get my stuff, Do you have my keys, i've looked everywhere (That one was me and it was true, I looked for hours before texting her but I won't lie I was pretty much hoping I wouldn't find them. She started texting me tonight a couple days ago I told her i'd help her get her furniture downstairs and she said she preferred I wasn't here when she came.

Then tonight she called me saying she was coming Saturday with her mom to get the furniture and wanted to know if i'd be here. I didn't answer she left a voicemail, I texted her later that I was working didn't know if i'd be here but i'd take her furniture and put it in the garage so her and her mom didnt have to carry it downstairs. They will tear up the walls and wooden stairs i'm sure if they try to move that furniture by themselves.. Said her mom really wants to see the dog (Her mom loves the dog) Said she didn't know if she could handle seeing me without having a breakdown etc.. Said no again to them coming inside and taking the furniture downstairs.

She persisted but I told her we both ****ed up and attraction was fading for me things weren't the best she would come home from work and sit on the couch etc.. That infatuation wasn't there anymore essentially but that I didn't blindside her with it I was willing to talk about it and she was the one that said she didn't want to live here anymore and decided to go out and get another place. That's the difference so no I actually didn't kick her out she said she didnt want to live here so I just helped her pack her stuff.. (I did I was an ******* like I packed so fast she was goine in 30 mins..

Then she started texting stuff like once all her stuff was out of my house she suspected we wouldn't be friendly anymore. That she probably was the majority of the blame, that she was the evil person and I was the victim

Told her she's not evil, I just understand her better now but I still love her (It's true, she'll always have a special place in my heart, maybe just because of how much she has indirectly or directly helped me grow as a person) (It's also why I appreciate each and everyone of you) she says she doesn't understand herself so doesn't know how i can understand her.

Told her we're different in alot of ways but were still the same person when it comes to our problems. We both run away.

Because it's easier than dealing with it.

And left it at that. It's true, I become an ******* and "kick" her out and she just disappears.

 

[Itsjustme]

Wow that's a wall of text. Honestly I don't know who's more to blame her or myself we've both made huge mistakes and we've both learned alot about ourselves from each other. We did stick it out even though it was off and on for close to 2 years now. So it's hard to just walk away but it does seem like it's the right thing to do at this point.

I think I post these walls of text for my own self reflection later on because i'm sure you guys hate to wade through so many details but it really helps me later on when I read back through this thread.

Cheers fellas.

P.S, Gambler made me think about something, theres a difference between having low self confidence/esteem and just being humble. I have both at different times. I am this extremely confident person at work but i'm still humble (Maybe this is why women at work are so drawn to me) but when it comes to the whole social thing with women it's kind of the flipside.. I'm an introvert so it's not always easy unless the woman is extremely attracted to me, then it's kind of like work, be humble and feed off the egoboost.

 

[Boilermaker]

Get out and find better prospects.

Feel good about yourself, and there's only one permanent way:

Get better!

in anything ...

Women will come along; you are young.

Take care,

 

[Itsjustme]

It's done. She came with her mom and got her furniture. I stayed to let them in because I had changed the locks. Her mom gave me a big hug and I left to let them get everything out on their own. Came back and her mom had done the dishes LOL Said our goodbyes via text told her to thank her mom, told her we were both better people in the end. Told me she's been crying non stop, I can't lie, I cried too LOL I'm a fricken man but it still hurts and I can't remember the last time I cried...

I'm still grateful though because I learned alot in this relationship, I guess that's what "just being yourself" gets you. It exposes all your flaws but how can you fix them when you don't understand what they are? You just gotta do it, open yourself up to that world of hurt and see what happens your not gonna die, it might feel like it for awhile, Like right now.. but I know in the end i'll be a better person for it.

And yes regardless of how much this hurts, I still love her and i'd still do it all over again even knowing how it would end, maybe not every one but this one was worth it.

 

[Itsjustme]

Time to start working on myself, we texted most of the day yesterday almost like nothing was wrong but eventually I broke down. Had to host a bday party for my dad, found a letter she had written in the kitchen before she left and kinda broke down, my last text to her was rather pitiful, that I'm wrecked and didn't know how I was going to get thru this bday party. Then followed with Bye best friend. Up until that point everything was pretty casual and cool. She really was my best friend and I think i'm gonna miss the companionship the most but I gotta be strong. No contact from here on out. Damn i'm gonna miss her though! She wasn't an evil person, she was just young and not ready to settle down, I should have realized this going in but I didn't and I probably would have fallen anyway but now I gotta pay the price.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Whenever you feel the urge to contact her - STOP. Then think about it from her point of view: she doesn't want to hear from you; she wants nothing to do with you; she wants to f*ck someone else; she will resent any contact from you; she will think less of you if you contact her.

So don't do it, even if just to maintain dignity or some amount of respect in her eyes.

 

[Itsjustme]

Made it through yesterday with no contact, deleted her pictures and videos from my phone, can't seem to muster the strength to delete the texts yet though. I know I need to but it's really hard to let go. I know that eventually i'll feel better and that i'm going to be fine but damn it doesn't stop me from feeling like someone has died right now.

Here goes day 2 of no contact. It's hard to believe it's really over.

 

[hithard]

Sounds a bit like a bad case of codependency.
If I might ask:
What was your life like just prior to meeting her (lonely, no confidence, etc)?

Generally these girls build you up then tear you down, highs and lows, rinse and repeat. Eventually all the emotional highs and lows get you addicted. They never change and you can not change them and believe me I tried back in the day. At this point you should concentrate less on losing her and focus on saving you.

 

[Itsjustme]

I was alone before I met her, I wasn't even looking, she pursued me hardcore. I was just getting my **** togethor and didn't want a woman around to screw it up. I even told her this. I do have it togethor, bought my own house about a year ago at a good place in my career, just bought a new truck about the only thing that sucks is my social life, I need to work on that but I just don't have the energy or inclination right now, all I want to do is sleep lol

 

[hithard]

I was alone before I met her, I wasn't even looking, she pursued me hardcore. I was just getting my **** togethor and didn't want a woman around to screw it up. I even told her this. I do have it togethor, bought my own house about a year ago at a good place in my career, just bought a new truck about the only thing that sucks is my social life, I need to work on that but I just don't have the energy or inclination right now, all I want to do is sleep lol

Yeah it takes time. The worst thing with these girls is they keep reopening the wound if you give them even an inch of movement into your life. So you can get caught up in this same constant feeling you are feeling now. So heal and harden first before you even entertain the idea that seeing her won't hurt.

 

[Itsjustme]

Day 3 and it's not getting any easier.. Think i'll stay in bed today.. Heal and harden, i can't ****ing wait for that day..

 

[DonJuanabe]

I have not and will not delete the texts/emails from my last oneitis. I don't look at them but, for some reason, I like keeping the pieces from my past. My last contact with her was mid/late June. You'll get over it as long as you accept that she does not feel the same way and you let time do its thing.

 

[Itsjustme]

Call me a sadist but i just had to go through with it. I'm hurting like ****ing hell right now but I don't have much experience in relationships so every little bit I can take helps me. Very much looking forward to the day that this makes me feel like a better man, I realize though, I've still got a lot to learn.

 

[hithard]

Call me a sadist but i just had to go through with it. I'm hurting like ****ing hell right now but I don't have much experience in relationships so every little bit I can take helps me. Very much looking forward to the day that this makes me feel like a better man, I realize though, I've still got a lot to learn.

Do you have anything else in your life like hobbies?
Being alone thinking about it all the time makes it worse and will amplify your ups/downs when she does send you a message. It's the reason why guys tell you to go to the gym or get a hobby. Gives you something goal oriented to shift your focus off your pain. Don't make wallowing in your pain your hobby or focus. It makes you more susceptible to taking her back, because you train yourself to think you are miserably alone. Have a short time to feel bad but attempt to start moving away from the grieving.

 

[Itsjustme]

Day 1 lol yea she texted me "our song" last night and said she was thinking of me and of course I texted her back..

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Someone close this thread. We gave this dude all the advice he needed.

He ignored it and crashed and he is still not listening! Sounds like he just wants some attention.

 

[backbreaker]

this site is a like like AA in the sense, that you can't make people do what you want them to do. tehy have to hit a bottom that is sufficient enough for them to want to recover. the op has not yet hit that bottom. and **** it took me 3-4 years AFTER REGISTERING with this site to hit my relationship bottom with women. all you can do is tell him to keep coming back.

it has to hurt enough for you to not want to take the easy path once you hit a crossroad. some people hit that at different points. NO shame in that. it just takes what it takes

And seriously, I'm not trying to kick you around. I want to see you do well. But yeah, nothing pisses me off more than when I see that someone isn't trying. Because I tried very hard, and the work paid off. Anyway, I seriously hope you continue coming back. I'm sure we'll all be willing to help you, should you need advice in the future. We all learn at different paces.

trust me i've been there. with drugs and with women. the most brilliant programmer I know and by brilliant i mean this is the dude you see on the show 24 hackging into all type of **** for jack bauer brilliant lol, the worst meth head i have ever seen in my lfie. the **** makes me want to cry. and he has a daughter 2. and he's so smart, that depsite how bad he fvcks up, compaines line up to hire him drug history and all. and not just hire him, HIRE him, like 80-100-120k a year type jobs,fresh out of rehab. within months he's right back out there doing his thing. **** tears me up beucase deep down he's a good dude.

half of my friends over the last 4 years or so i have seen their lives just in slow motion you can see **** about to hit the fan and they don't see it then they come over crying and **** a few months later and you try to talk to them and she ups the ante again and they are right back out there.

it's just nothing you can do. you have to accept the fact that you can't make the horse drink water regardless of how far you lead him to the river. all you can do is lead by example and when someone looks at you and what you are doing and look at them and what they aredoing and they say i want what he has and i want you to show me how to get it, then you can go to work. until then you are wasting your time

Honestly I think every girl cheats at one point or another, the ones you think don't are just better at it...

my wife goes clubbing with her friends every once in a while and i woudl bet my entier house and bank account that the thought of cheating doesnt' even consider to be crossing her mind.

you don't know what a normal realtionhip is like


i am not going to get myself caught up into some dude who obviously doesn't want help but i will say this, again with the AA reference; yoru thinking got you here dude. lol just stop. stop thinking stop figuring **** out, stop tryign to plan, stop pondering, stop every fvcking thing youa re trying to do beucse whatever you are trying to do i am 90% sure it's the wrong thing and is just going to get you in worse. If you are thinking of going right stop. if you are thinking of writing a letter stop. if you are thinking of going on facebook just stop. you are a classic codependant. you have no idea how to have a normal relationship with a woman and you need to listen to people who do. harsh, maybe but it's the truth.