Narcissism

[Matt Rogers]

Hullo, I think I have realised the main reason why I have difficulty attracting women. Narcissism! Basically I am far too self-absorbed, and have an inflated view of my own importance. I have often been accused of being aloof and haughty. Oddly in my case this does not manifest itself in ****iness, but insecurity and caring too much what others think of me, and lack of empathy and warmth in dealing with others. When I think about it, my desire for women is far more to fuel my ego, than any real desire for love or sex (although if I got those I would not be complaining ). I am a mess, and despite being pretty good looking and smart and being able to talk to girls, I have made little progress, and I belive narcissim is holding me back. Does any one else have any experiences of something similar, or could someone provide some advice on how to get out of myself?

 

[Starman]

Yo door Matt,

I have the same god damn problem..its kinda like being a male attention wh0re..Ive taken multiple online tests for narcissism and score high on each one..

do a net search for one and find out.

What has helped me to get beyond narcissism is to really do some deep thinking as to WHY I have created this all important facade around myself..for me its rooted in childhood..always wanted to be better than my sublings for attention of my parents..when I didnt get it..I had to give my self attention..and the illusion that Im unique..super intelligent..no girl is good enough for me..and yes it has hindered my own love life..

This isnt about being confident in yourself..but more about camaflauging your insecurities with confidence..and self love.

let me know if u need more info

 

[jakethasnake]

Starman,

I'd like to hear more about this. It's really fascinating.

 

[Mizer]

Starman, I'd like to hear more about this. It's really fascinating.

I agree.

 

[Demon]

ahhahaha

Remorse is for the weak. So you can't handle narcissism a.k.a egoism, eh?? hahaha

 

[krd]

So is that what it is? I, too, have a tendency to be self absorbed (my mom even tells me so), and always worried about what other people think of me. In my own mind, I tend to place more importance on my problems than of others'. I'd say that there is a certain degree of narcissism in there, but I don't believe I am more important than anybody. In fact I often feel inferior and insignificant. I admit that I sometimes view women as trophies that will somehow prove that I am a man, or get me respect (although lately, for some reason, I've been thinking about sex a lot too, so it's not only that).

I doubt narcissism is the main reason for my failure with women, but it would certainly be interesting to find out about. I may check out that quiz (if I can find it.)

Actually, I've known for a while that I could possibly have an Avoidant Personality. I'd say that more closely describes me, but such a condition does tie together with narcissism in some ways.

 

[Mr. Fingers]

Demon, you never cease to make me smile. Your name just suits you so well.

As for you Matt, I think it is very deep that you started this thread. I just happened to write a new post on confidence which addresses this whole narcissism subject, among other things..

checkitout holmes:

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30513

peace

Fingers

 

[Starman]

Well for starters..if you are interested to see if you have any characteristics of a personality disorder..try this site and take the test

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

I'll tell you a little bit about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Have you guys ever seen American Psycho? or Malic with Alec Baldwin? The two characters in those movies..have a sense that they are grandiose (i.e. godlike in the things they achieve in life)

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.


here is a great link that describes it

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

 

[K-Daddy]

Matt, I understand exactly what you mean as I've struggled with the same in the past. My problem was mainly that I focused entirely too much on myself and the way I looked and could pick out certain things that I did not like. Now, for you this could be anything...clothes, hair, or anything dealing with appearance; personality, attitude, whatever.

Take the appearance for example. Say you think your hair sucks, or whatever. Maybe it's too poofy or frizzy and all the gel in the world cannot fix that without making you look like you're trying too hard. You're gonna fret over that until you get it right most likely. What I did with something like that was try to pick out a poofy or frizzy-haired dude...one whose hair isn't meant to be frizzy or poofy. Okay, find another one, and a few more. Notice that even though you might be at that point focusing on their hair, if you weren't looking for it, you wouldn't notice. Chances are, unless it's absolutely horrendous, you aren't gonna notice it, and neither is anyone else. If a girl looks good, she looks good regardless of whether or not she's having a bad hair day. It's the same with guys.

My point is that whatever you are insecure about, just take a look at someone else. Chances are, if you aren't looking for it, you aren't gonna notice. The smallest details that you worry about are probably way too miniscule for anyone else to notice unless they're just out to be critical of someone (and those peoples' opinions should be forever excluded from your mind because they mean nothing).

And remember, although too much self-concern is bad, as is too much of anything, there is nothing at all wrong with self-consciousness. We should all be conscious of self if we're going to better ourselves. Narcissism is just the word that describes the wholly self-absorbed state. Don't think you're wrong for focusing primarily on yourself; just don't let it get out of hand.

 

[krd]

After reading the definition, I don't believe I would be considered narcissistic, although the test says I scored moderate in that area. I definitely don't exaggerate my achievements. I sometimes wonder if I've ever actually achieved anything at all! The two places I actually scored high were Avoidant, which I was previously aware of, and Paranoid. Although the one characteristic I don't share with their definition of Paranoid is that they have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities, and that's not the case with me. Avoidant--I most closely resemble those characteristics. I'm actually a member of an Avoidant Personality forum, although I don't go on it very much anymore, because I feel it just reinforces my self-limiting beliefs. But I suspect that a lot of people who seek advice in the DJ forum could have this condition. It's cool to learn about, as long as you don't use it to make excuses for yourself. Same with narcissism. Don't blame your lack of success with women on your "condition", although, being narcissistic, you probably think you're above it all anyway.

 

[Ninja Dude]

OMG this is my problem!

Let's just say I took the test and my score was pretty high. Geez Louise, I am a self absorbed bastard and I never knew it! This thread just opened my eyes. I have a lot of work to do! Thank you for sharing this with us Starman!

 

[Starman]

NPD is not researched very well..and its not all an arrogant, confident, haughty, c0cksure attitude (although it may look it to other people)

Under all that lies alot of insecurity, constant seeking of admiration, praise, pats on the back, doesnt handle criticism well, prone to depression when rejected, relationships with friends , coworkers, women are destroyed/abandoned..(i.e. when they dont see it your way..you bail)..so most people with these characteristics create a void in their lives..by being interpersonally destructive with others.

 

[Demon]

NPD is different than the Egoist philosophy. Whoever coined the NPD term used the word "narcississm" wrongly.

 

[Ninja Dude]

NPD, Selfish As$hole-itis, ****y Bastardism.

Would an arrogant jerk-off by any other name be any less obnoxious?

I really struggle with this problem. People tell me all the time I am way too selfish. I have zero patience when people talk about their problems. No compassion. Phuck everybody! Just can't help it. I feel like they all exist just for my amusement or dismissal. Deep down I almost believe that they wouldn't exist if it weren't for me....crazy huh?

Today has been a real eye-opener for me. First reading this post and taking that test, and then reading Mr. Finger's post seem to answer alot of my questions. I didn't even realize he had posted in this thread.

His tips are long as hell, but worth taking a peek at for you egomaniacs out there.

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30513

 

[Starman]

Yea..it is a misnomer..Narcissus was a greek mythology character who fell in love with his own image and died..but true narcissists only wish EVERYONE loved them and admired them as much as they think they do.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Yes, Mr Fingers, your post helped a lot, it is all about getting outside of yourself through your activities and external focus.

Another thing, I love receiving compliments too much, and the girls I find most attractive are the ones who adore me, rather than the ones who are a challenge.

It is interesting to see that a lot of use here border on narcissism. Maybe we should be questioning the real reason why we want women-not for the chance to love someone else, or the chance to give to others, but the desire for an admiring audience, and someone to fuel our fragile egos. No wonder I do not have much success with people or women.

The cures, as well as Fingers ideas, I read up on, were humility, giving to others, and appreciating others, and loving others. I am gonna give them a go, and will report back.

 

[RKTek]

A problem recognized and identified is a problem half solved.

Many of us here (me included) have struggled with some aspects of shyness, insecurity or other neurotic aspects of our personalities, or else we wouldn't be here. Were we happily successful with interpersonal relationships, we'd have as much use for a self-help forum as Shaquille O'Neal would have for shoe lifts to make himself appear taller.

Many of the visitors and readers of this forum are only interested in helping the symptoms of their problems. What method or technique can I use to appear self-assured and outgoing? is the question. Using a technique is good because after awhile, if the technique is successful, your confidence will build and after awhile you'll feel better.

But even using a technique is limiting in that it cannot help in all situations, and unless you know the underlying root of what you're doing and why, you can sometimes feel lost. So some of us probe deeper and ask "Why do I feel this way, or react this way, or think in these patterns?" Such questions are the beginnings of true sentience. So many people in the world have no clue of their motivations and happily don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss. But if there is a pattern in your life that you feel consistently holds you back, then asking questions can only help you. Knowledge is power. The unexamined life is not worth living.

Most people who have strong personality problems or the full blown disorder are also in deep denial. The fact that you're here readily admitting to a few chinks in your personal armor is very healthy and probably shows that you have varying degrees of traits of certain personalities, not a real deep problem. Anyway, knowledge of exactly who you are, warts and all, is a real gift.

 

[Starman]

True Dat RK. Recognizing the problem is the MAIN step.

For everyone here who thinks they suffer from NPD..dont be so hasty and think "Eureka! I have found my problem! Im cured!"

NPD is assessed with a battery of tests to see if you really have some symptoms..or the actual full blown disorder.

There are two types - NPD's who are manipulative, and damaging to others as well as themselves.

Then those who are mostly damaging to themselves.

The biggest criteria is if this personality actualy hinders your social, occupational , interpersonal life negatively?

If YES, then ts worth checking into. If its not damaging to you in any way you recognize..it may just be your personality/characteristics.

The best treatment approach is sensitivity training, cognitive behavioral therapy to change your views of your self and perople around you, and some psychotherapy(if you have the time) to find out the root of this..

 

[legolas]

Originally posted by Starman
Well for starters..if you are interested to see if you have any characteristics of a personality disorder..try this site and take the test

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Crap, I scored high on Narcissistic. argghhh

 

[Starman]

Legalos, Im way smarter, faster, better looking and more anatomically gifted than you are. SO dont feel bad