Marriage...

[SW15]

But they struggle to ensnare an abundant alpha with options, much to her tingling pvssy’s dismay

The hierarchy is....

-Alpha/Sigma Men
-Attractive Women
-Lesser Attractive Women
-Beta Men
-Omega Men

 

[Stuffnu]

Looking back, deciding not to get married was one of the few decisions I got right in life. I came to a realization at a young age that I couldn’t remain monogamous and maintain its vow.
To do so was against every fiber of my manhood.

 

[Stuffnu]

Consider this.

Abundant alpha men are only able to cheat and sleep around as widely as they do….because women are attracted to it. It’s not the cheating she’s attracted to, it’s the man with access and options.

So it feeds on each other.

Women use the pvssy card to try and secure high value men. And this then enables high value men to lap up all the pvssy cards.

Women mislead themselves. They are used to dangling pvssy for betas. She thinks she has magik vagina. Unfortunately, the alpha sex addict is often very immune to the pvssy card. It’s like snacking on a grape for him.

Agreed.
Cheating is a moral concept - not animalistic. A scent that women gravitate to….

 

[BeExcellent]

Agree with the above. Marriage is about commitment and that decision to commit. In the traditional vows each spouse vows to “forsake all others” meaning you are committing NOT to indulge in intimate contact with others. This decision to commit is what creates the sanctity of the marriage as an intimate union and creates the sandbox for the married couple.

It comes down to character. When I was married I had every opportunity to cheat. I was running 40 miles a week, trim, fit, younger, gorgeous and traveling for work to major cities. Despite wearing my large wedding set I was hit on constantly and often by interesting attractive successful men. I quit wearing make up to alleviate the attention, wore flats rather than heels, I STILL got hit on. In airports, on airplanes, the rental car shuttle, getting food, walking down the sidewalk, by the doctors I worked with. All. The. Time. I could have cheated or had affairs effortlessly and without detection. Sometimes these were handsome sexy men. I never strayed. Never even considered it. It was not in my character to cheat. I have integrity and value having integrity. I was committed and was not about to violate that commitment.

This is why character is the single most important characteristic of a life partner. Character dictates how one behaves when no one is looking.

To say men can’t help it is to say men are enslaved to their primal urges, and to justify the behavior by pointing to man’s nature.

Our nature as humans is to seek pleasure. Too much indulgence in food? You get fat. Too much indulgence in anger or rage or passion? You end up in jail. Too much indulgence in drugs or alcohol or tobacco? You get addicted and/or you ruin your health. Too much indulgence in sex? You lose the ability to build a meaningful relationship and you end up lonely or alone.

So maturing is a process of learning to control the nature of being human, to exhibit character and to temper all these desires for a constructive existence rather than a destructive existence. That is the process of building character. But many people choose not to because it’s not easy to say no to all those pleasurable temptations. And to see the justification of it as “a man’s nature” tells me these are men without character and too immature to value character and the process of building it.

And the result? Women who have good character are not going to give those guys the time of day. So you won’t come across them in your comings and going’s because this way of existing actually is repelling to great women.

And at the end of the day his lack of character is what has rotted the OP’s marriage.

 

[bat soup]

Just keep banging her for as long as it lasts, then move on. You had her best years. Let some other schmuck deal with her as she declines and heads towards the wall.

Someone else is driving my old BMW now. Last I heard, it was going to be exported to West Africa. Hopefully they'll enjoy it, but they shouldn't forget who drove it first.

 

[bat soup]

This post from @Pan87 has been heavily weighing on my mind and so I asked my boyfriend about it last night. I suppose for reassurance since I am considering marrying him but anyway....

He's in his mid 40s and prior to me was a big "player" (for lack of a better word) and admitted to being with around 150-200 women since becoming sexually active in his late teens, mostly casual and short term, and two long term relationships. He admitted to having a blast BUT when he hit 40, he started feeling a shift in his attitude and what he wanted. He was burned out.

Fast forward to current. He's committed and we've been discussing getting married next year. One thing we have in common is marriage has eluded both of us; for me I have been engaged three times, broke them off for various reasons that in retrospect were the right decisions. And for him, as Pan mentioned - the conflict between wanting casual sex with many women and commitment with one woman.

For context, my parents marriage was horrendous, my dad cheated for years although he was a fantastic father, he was a crap husband. He apologized to me for allowing me to witness that because I'm sensitive and it had a extremely negative impact on me and how I viewed marriage in general.

Back on point, my boyfriend explained to me that commitment doesn't necessarily come from love because we can "love" many people but still not want to be committed

But rather that it's a choice one makes, a decision to be committed, and a person must be emotionally ready to make that decision, it shouldn't be made frivolously. That all relationships have peaks and valleys and there will also be times when we may become attracted to and desire sex with another person or persons, hence the conflict.

That's where the decision to remain faithful and committed comes into play. That the decision to remain faithful versus cheating stems from one's own moral compass and integrity.

Yes it's true, he confirmed men (generally speaking) are not naturally inclined to be monogamous but that does NOT mean they're not capable of being monogamous, they most certainly are! That if you respect and value your spouse and marriage then the choice to remain faithful is not without struggle but nevertheless relatively easy.

That the desire to have sex and attain other women (abundance) does not go away BUT you choose to not act on it.

That's commitment -- the decision to not act on the desire.

The cost is too great. Not only to your own moral integrity but to your relationship as well even if your spouse were never to find out. And if they were to ever find out or simply suspect it? Then in most cases, you're shyt, done. It's over because cheating is virtually impossible to overcome.

It's a huge risk and comes at a great cost and if you love, value and respect your partner and marriage, then you make the decision to keep it in your pants like a man versus chasing tail like a horny sex starved boy (his words). OR, don't get married.

He believes (and I agreed) that with all the dating apps in existence today and how easy sexual access and achieving abundance has become, this is why marriage is on the decline and why people (both men and women) are choosing to remain single.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Remaining single for both men and women is accepted in our society today and so again it's a choice. Own that choice. Versus committing and messing around, that's disingenuous and emotionally dishonest.

This was exactly what I needed to hear, and I believed him. It was honest and makes a lot of sense. And contrary to what some people on this forum believe and preach, I did not lose any of my attraction for him, the opposite happened. My attraction increased as well as my respect.

Nuff said from me.
Ciao guys (and gal) I wish you all much happiness and best of luck!

Men generally want a serious relationship with one woman, and as much sex as possible with hundreds of others.

Since those two desires are mutually exclusive, sooner or later in life men are forced to choose one path or the other or....

to do what most people do and lie.

 

[Barrister]

Thanks for chiming in @Be and wanted to respond to this^. I understand you had many opportunities to cheat and never considered it, which of course is admirable but did you ever feel a "desire" to cheat? You weren't clear about that, hence why I'm asking.

For me, I receive quite a bit of attention and get hit on as well, but the difference for me is that when in a committed relationship and in love with my SO, I have absolutely NO desire to cheat. Unlike men, I am a naturally monogamous person, it's my nature to be monogamous.

It really has nothing to do with my character or moral integrity, although I like to think I possess both, I just don't have the desire.

This is where men differ and what my boyfriend explained. Given that men are not naturally monogamous, there might be occasions where they DO have the desire to cheat, but after making a commitment, choose to not act on that desire due to possessing a strong character and moral integrity.

So it's a bit different, at least for me.

I think almost every woman you speak to would tell you that she is "monogamous." The problem is that many women will consider themselves "monogamous" when in fact they simply start an emotional affair at the tail end of a LTR/marriage and then end the LTR. The term that we use for this here at SS is called "monkey-branching." It's an inherent skill. As has been repeated here ad nauseam, women will generally mourn the loss of the relationship well before it actually ends and begin mentally preparing herself for after. This is also why women don't stay single very long - they many times have something else lined up ready to go as soon as they shut the book on the last one. So, while it may not be true physical cheating that the woman generally partakes it, it is only because she is laying the groundwork for termination before it gets to that point. To me, that isn't true monogamy.

 

[Barrister]

Appreciate the response and I agree with you. It's not just women however, both genders can engage in emotional cheating as well as physical cheating.

This thread is about physical cheating and men's nature to be non-monogamous, which is what my boyfriend and I discussed last night and what I posted about this morning.

I think the OP wasn't exactly on the topic of cheating at all and this has become kind of a sub-discussion within the "marriage" one -- however, I was responding to your previous post where you said that "unlike men" you were monogamous. The truth is both men and women have to go against their natural inclinations to be truly monogamous. And I am not looking to be argumentative with you about whether you are or you aren't (since I wouldn't know anyway). I do, however, know many women who have told me they are monogamous or "they would never cheat" (a favorite) but partake in the monkey-branching I described with a man (or men) they are interested in during the relationship. Again, that isn't monogamous. That is just making a preemptive strike.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Lolz dudes, what exactly has Cats done to earn all of this free attention you're giving her?

 

[Stuffnu]

A man’s decision to become monogamous is not a true commitment.
It’s a suppression of there instinctive need.

 

[BeExcellent]

Never a desire to cheat. That doesn’t mean I never felt desire for someone. I simply did not and do not respond to the desire out of character and out of respect (for him, for the relationship, for myself).

Some people are just magnetic. I know I am. And magnetic men know they are too. But it is not worth damaging something really good for a whim or a curiosity or even for a possibility when it would wreck something that is a known quantity that I have invested myself in. The idea of being a betrayer is awful to me, perhaps because many years ago I was betrayed. I am not going to be a person who wreaks someone with that kind of blindsiding devastation. I remember how terrible that felt and I’m not going to do that to another. I’ll be straight up and I’ll leave before I’ll betray someone. It simply isn’t how I operate.

As I’ve stated any number of times around here. I love men. Just adore them. Especially the scoundrel archetype. And with my vibe being what it is (which cannot just be turned off) I attract that type despite minding my own business. Yes there have been instances here and there where the man in question was very appealing, and there was the element of inherent desire that could have been capitalized on. And nobody would have known. To have character is to remain true in those moments in the face of the temptation, not the never having temptation. I have a very high libido and a siren vibe. This emanates from me. No much I can do about that but understand it’s there, it appeals to men and it’s my job to manage it and turn down advances in favor of my man. It is an expression of respect to him.

Cheating is at the end of the day the ultimate disrespect to a spouse.

 

[andreihaha]

Women assume/project it’s an emotional affair, and that’s why it hurts them so much. That’s the betrayal. She’s lost the security and you’ve triggered the primal “omg I’m going to be left alone in the wilderness.”

Not only that, but cheating reveals him as weak, not able to control himself, a lesser man. And women don't want to be seen with someone like that.

Someone told me once: "How can you take care of a family of you can't even control yourself?"

 

[Zimbabwe]

Biologically yes men want to Fvck multiple women yes, but for the sake of societal stability this is not good at all.

 

[andreihaha]

I don't believe that to be true @Be. There are many women who choose to not be married, especially these days. I happen to be acquainted with a few. Beautiful, intelligent, accomplished feminine women who believe in love and commitment but who choose for whatever reason to not be legally married.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

If a woman isn't/wasn't married by the time she's 40, there IS a reason for it. It may not be obvious to everyone, but there certainly is a reason.

 

[andreihaha]

She would be very silly to let her high value man roam free in the wilderness and sample other women. All these other women will be tempting him away from her and offering him better deals. If she’s younger, hotter, tighter then he’d ruthlessly discard her and switch his investment elsewhere. It happens. And women are not stupid. Women are highly evolved at ensnaring most men. But they struggle to ensnare an abundant alpha with options, much to her tingling pvssy’s dismay

And these are not the only risks she faces. She could be the youngest, hottest, tighter option for him, but if she has nothing in the brain department or is simply boring, the man might still find himself more attracted to a more interesting woman. There are many reasons for a woman to secure a life partner. And there are some for men to do the same.

And, even if few people here seem to almost never point this out, there are reasons both male and female partners share for marriage (having children in a healthy environment, living a Christian life, simply realising they found someone they're willing to spend the rest of their life with etc.)

 

[andreihaha]

I think the OP wasn't exactly on the topic of cheating at all and this has become kind of a sub-discussion within the "marriage" one -- however, I was responding to your previous post where you said that "unlike men" you were monogamous. The truth is both men and women have to go against their natural inclinations to be truly monogamous. And I am not looking to be argumentative with you about whether you are or you aren't (since I wouldn't know anyway). I do, however, know many women who have told me they are monogamous or "they would never cheat" (a favorite) but partake in the monkey-branching I described with a man (or men) they are interested in during the relationship. Again, that isn't monogamous. That is just making a preemptive strike.

We all people, regardless of our sex, have an inclination towards sin. Towards self destruction through sin even. Some of us have a stronger inclination, some a lesser one. Cheating is a part of this inclination.
But at the same time, we as people have this great gift called "free will". And this dictates how we live and also how we die.
Another thing that is affected by our free will is how people perceive us. This is why @OP is in this situation.

In this life, people will keep judging you by your actions. And it's as fair as things can be. Most of us will struggle in this battle between morality and sin until the day we die. And all the best of us can do is keep fighting, striving to become our best selves.

As to the OP I totally ignored so far, I feel like you don't know what to do because you don't know what you want. Look yourself in the metaphorical mirror and really think about it. If you want to be with her, all you can do is being honest. God knows if she can ever feel the same again with you, but you do your part. If what you want is to get away, say a nice goodbye and be on your way. In the end, in both situation the best thing to do is to be honest (with yourself and with her).

 

[RBK]

So m

Thanks for chiming in @Be and wanted to respond to this^. I understand you had many opportunities to cheat and never considered it, which of course is admirable but did you ever feel a "desire" to cheat? You weren't clear about that, hence why I'm asking.

Women aren't built this way. Women don't want a whole lot of random dcks they want ONE special dck.

 

[RBK]

This is what I always thought too. It's feminine energy. That for women, sex is emotional and our emotions are linked to the physical nature of it.

But perhaps that's too broad a generalization as well.

Like everything else, sex and our desire for sex can be very nuanced, not a 'one size fits all."

Men however are the opposite, we want a wholeeeee bunch of random women.

Mens cheating isn't because we don't love our spouse most of the time, we just want DIFFERENT. Womens cheating is because somewhere along the line men messed up in relationship. (Didn't lead, became beta, failed a provider whatever).

 

[EyeBRollin]

Not only that, but cheating reveals him as weak, not able to control himself, a lesser man. And women don't want to be seen with someone like that.

Someone told me once: "How can you take care of a family of you can't even control yourself?"

Eh. Fvcking another bvtch isn’t cheating. Having a full on affair is cheating. Male mammals are not sexually monogamous. I don’t know why modern humans are still trying to make something is that just isn’t.

Every woman that I’ve dated, and I’m sure a majority of them out there, have had past boyfriends that have physically “cheated” with other women. Of all income levels. All religions. All races. Men are just built this way.

 

[EyeBRollin]

So what, that still doesn't make cheating okay and if you think it does, there is something wrong with your value system.

Look I am not trying to shame you. And if you provided a valid argument other than “we’re men and men need a variety of sex with different women!” I’d be open to at least trying to understand your thought process for wanting to get married.

Marriage has nothing to do with love, sexual monogamy, or any of the other Disney propaganda you believe in.