Marriage...

[BeExcellent]

Not necessarily true @BackInTheGame78. I know plenty of couples who married quickly.

Some people make a decision and get on with it.

The OP is going to totally lose his marriage by continuing to behave as he has. He is where he is by being selfish and neglecting her and taking liberty with his vows (dishonoring his vows).

It’s really simple. Men who take and drink all the red/black pill nihilistic kool aId end up lonely & jaded after a while.

Meanwhile a good woman like this guys wife will end up happily married to someone else.

That’s the bed he has made for himself.

She is exhibiting self respect. For all we know his affair partner skunked him out. In all likelihood he was lying to her too.

Just desserts fellas. Irresponsible and deceptive actions, like all actions, have consequences. Perhaps some consideration of those consequences would have been a good idea, I dunno.

Character is important. Good character should be rewarded. Everybody breaking the law or breaking trust regrets it when it costs a heavy price. People with character consider that cost and refrain from screwing up their life. Some mistakes are impossible to recover from.

One is best advised to avoid those mistakes.

Don’t get married if you can’t keep your word. Simple.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I see. Ok fair enough but I think this^ type of dishonesty is a bit different, for one thing you don't place your SO at risk for STIs by wearing makeup and plastic surgery which plenty of men do as well.

Women lie about literally everything when it comes to mating. Their appearance, age, body counts. It is incredibly rich that they proclaim man must be honest about his intentions.

I make no moral judgments on any one or anything. I just think the double standard as it applies to men being honest with women is simply bullshvt. Women can't handle honesty and they for darn sure don't practice it.

 

[EyeBRollin]

One thing I've noticed on this forum is the black and white thinking and painting women's behaviors with such a broad brush.

Speaking for myself, I prefer honesty, I always have, even when it's not necessarily something I want to hear.

But my mind is open and I encourage it in my relationships, and it's led to men trusting me and not being afraid of it or my reaction to it because they know I won't judge or punish. I also am honest in return.

Honesty builds trust and emotional intimacy which are things I value a lot in my relationships.

Of course you prefer honesty from men.. because it tilts the mating dance in your favor.

Do you think OP was prudent or “honorable” for confessing his affair to his wife?

If you don't, fine no judgment. It's curious why you're getting married though given how you feel but good luck.

Personal feelings are irrelevant. Marriage is a practical business decision. All the stuff about “love” and sanctity is propaganda.

 

[EyeBRollin]

90% of the women know it's happening whether they are told it is or not. Guys who cheat and think their wives or girlfriends don't know are simply clueless.

Of course they know. But they don’t want it thrown in their face. They don’t want to be embarrassed. They also don’t want it to be an emotional affair because that comes with the very real threat of being replaced.

 

[DonJuanjr]

I acknowledged monogamy is not in a man's nature and that a woman's expectation that he should be leads to lies and deception

Would you have a problem with your Fiancee demanding that you remain monogamous towards him, but he can sleep with women on the side? I assume you wouldn't have a problem with this, understanding male nature and all.

 

[EyeBRollin]

So which is it? It can't be both, those two statements directly contradict each other.

There was no contradiction. You, being a woman, prefer honesty from men. Women are not honest with men.

You dodged my question-

Was the OP prudent or honorable in confessing his affair to his wife?

 

[BeExcellent]

There was no contradiction. You, being a woman, prefer honesty from men. Women are not honest with men.

You dodged my question-

Was the OP prudent or honorable in confessing his affair to his wife?

Here’s my take EBR. We don’t know why the beans got spilled. Guilt and threat are the two most likely motivators. Maybe he brought home an STD. We don’t know.

If he reveals it on his own (well before she finds out unequivocally from someone else, like his jilted affair partner) he saves some shred of decency and he has better control of the narrative. If he gets outed he has less damage control ability.

In either case he’s betrayed both his wife and his word and having ruined the trust becomes suspect in whatever he does, whether it’s work late, go alone to the store or golfing or whatever. He invites the hell of her checking up him constantly and who enjoys that?

I don’t judge what others choose but our OP has created his own morality crisis with his marriage at stake. He is not going to like waking up each day knowing she’s with another guy thanks to his stupidity but right now it appears that is where this is headed.

Tough tough lesson for him.

 

[Thewolfquest]

It was guilt and honesty and more. I stopped the affair and recognized the mistake I was making on my own. I knew sharing was selfish as it only served to relieve my own guilt. It was honesty as I knew that I could not build a life with something like this in the back, it was my desire to be open with her completely. It was also fear that it would come up in the future and so yes it was to control the narrative. Most shamefully it is part of who I am... cheating let me assume a bit of power, but telling her let me give her some power in a manner I was ok with at the time. We had hit a rough patch and the cheating/admitting seemed to send a message, I see now that it was a short term game and one that I did not anticipate would be playing out years later.

I have to side with the other guys on here, men and women cheat. Every relationship has this issue, whether it is sexually, emotionally, refusing to share a vulnerable bond, refusing to spend quality time over phone, tv, social media etc. These are different levels of cheating, but they are equally damaging in a relationship.

I think it has to do with certain guys simply having a somewhat childish mindset " I get what I want". This mindset serves its purpose in life, career, and other aspects but it is a terrible mindset when it comes to relationships.

My goal is to experience life... and so even this, while painful, is still working towards that. One of the ways I see it is, I am still young and now have learned a very valuable life lesson that many others won't experience and get to learn until way later in life when odds of bouncing back are lower. So, even now I am lucky.

 

[EyeBRollin]

If you truly believe this, you're either slow on the take or incredibly ignorant, no disrespect intended.

I'll just leave it there since educating you on marital and divorce laws in the US and how they benefit women more than men especially when cheating and deception on the part of the man occurs, would take too long and frankly don't care or have the energy to enlighten you at the moment.

Given the rest of your commentary in this thread that would be hilariously entertaining.

My question again is why get married at all? It's not a "practical" business decision, as far as business practicality goes, it's a crap decision for a man.

Oh really? Please enlighten us as to why there are so few single plate-spinning CEOs? No? How about middle management? No? How many single men live past the age of 70? Are married men or single men financially better off?

If you’re going to join the black pill men in their delusional takes on marriage, go right ahead.

What's in it for you? If what you truly want is to "spread your seed" then why not simply remain single?

If you want children, do you or any man who believes in and values infidelity believe you're doing your kids a great service by remaining with mom but cheating?

As I said before, I grew up witnessing my dad's cheating and trust me, it did way more harm than good and took me many years to resolve. Kids always know.

Right, because being single and impregnating multiple women is preferable way to raise children in society. Great idea for men to create single mothers (future criminal lowlife deadbeat children) while still getting financially wrecked by child support. Much better idea…

 

[Barrister]

Guy... come on.

Look men, if you are going to have an affair take it to your grave.

STOP being honest about shvt like that. That is information she has to do something about. Your problem OP was you assumed this woman was over your affair. Instead, she built up enough resentment to where she could leave you. Soon as she got the opportunity that is exactly what she did.

I suspect this is probably the case as well.

OP, realize that women are incredibly insecure. In fact, the hotter the woman usually the more insecurity she has. Something like an affair is going to permanently affect her psyche as it relates to you. She will suspect that this type of behavior is something you will partake in in the future regardless of telling her it is in the past until you are blue in the face. Personally, I think you did the "RIGHT" thing (from an integrity standpoint) by letting her know it happened - but it certainly was damaging to your LTR's long-term viability with her.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Your argument is weak @EyeBRollin and as I said:

I'm glad you find me so entertaining though lol, I wish I could return the sentiment but it's all become a big yawn, your ignorance about this is palpable and nearly beyond belief for a 33 year old man.

But hey all the best man, hope it works out for y'all!

Sure thing, sweetheart. Again, you dodged the question about the OPs silly decision to rat himself out. And now you’re dodging your black pill stance on marriage.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I Personally, I think you did the "RIGHT" thing (from an integrity standpoint) by letting her know it happened - but it certainly was damaging to your LTR's long-term viability with her.

How is this the “right” thing if it irreparably damaged his marriage? That’s a contradiction…

 

[Barrister]

How is this the “right” thing if it irreparably damaged his marriage? That’s a contradiction…

I don't believe it is a contradiction. I believe in maintaining strong integrity - cheating in a relationship is inherently the opposite of that. And I understand situations can become very complicated to the point where, at times, the cheater feels completely justified in his/her actions. However, as you stated in the post I originally quoted, there is no doubt that this type of admission can irreparably damage a relationship. But, and I may be a minority here, better to live with all the cards on the table than carry that around.

In my opinion, if you want to cheat, you may as well just end the relationship and then see however many women you want to.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I did not "dodge" the question, my stance on this has been clear all along, I believe in honesty so my opinion should be obvious at least to anyone paying attention versus intent on arguing with me.

Men, pay attention. We know women believe that men should be honest with women. Honesty tilts the advantage in favor of the female imperative.

What did honesty do for the OP’s marriage?

 

[EyeBRollin]

I don't believe it is a contradiction. I believe in maintaining strong integrity - cheating in a relationship is inherently the opposite of that. And I understand situations can become very complicated to the point where, at times, the cheater feels completely justified in his/her actions. However, as you stated in the post I originally quoted, there is no doubt that this type of admission can irreparably damage a relationship. But, and I may be a minority here, better to live with all the cards on the table than carry that around.

In my opinion, if you want to cheat, you may as well just end the relationship and then see however many women you want to.

I respect that. I’m bringing to light the female manipulation of male honor. It doesn’t apply to mating strategies.

Ideally, men should be up front with women and tell them they are going to fvck other girls from time to time. However, reality shows that 99.9% of women will either decline an open relationship, or agree and simply resent and abuse the man later on for wanting it. I don’t get why so many RP aware men fall for this.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Well said...and perhaps since it came from a respected man on this forum, it will be listened to and considered.

When a woman agrees with a man on mating strategy, one of them should probably re-think their position.

 

[Barrister]

I respect that. I’m bringing to light the female manipulation of male honor. It doesn’t apply to mating strategies.

Ideally, men should be up front with women and tell them they are going to fvck other girls from time to time. However, reality shows that 99.9% of women will either decline an open relationship, or agree and simply resent and abuse the man later on for wanting it. I don’t get why so many RP aware men fall for this.

I agree. And you will see exactly this with your plates. Plates will have a shelf-life of usually 6-9 months maximum. At that point, if they have any self-worth, they will begin dropping hints about "what we are" to get a commitment even if they originally began sleeping with you knowing full well you were sleeping with other women. If you refuse, expect a strong rebuke about your immoral behavior (while she likely was still keeping a guy or two around in addition to you as backup).

 

[Barrister]

When a woman agrees with a man on mating strategy, one of them should probably re-think their position.

Hey now, I think I am just that persuasive to men and women alike!

 

[SW15]

Men, pay attention. We know women believe that men should be honest with women. Honesty tilts the advantage in favor of the female imperative.

What did honesty do for the OP’s marriage?

It didn't help. It probably hurt more than it helped, though the marriage would have collapsed with or without his honesty.

Look men, if you are going to have an affair take it to your grave.

STOP being honest about shvt like that. That is information she has to do something about. Your problem OP was you assumed this woman was over your affair. Instead, she built up enough resentment to where she could leave you. Soon as she got the opportunity that is exactly what she did.

I agree with keeping affairs unknown.

It was guilt and honesty and more. I stopped the affair and recognized the mistake I was making on my own. I knew sharing was selfish as it only served to relieve my own guilt. It was honesty as I knew that I could not build a life with something like this in the back, it was my desire to be open with her completely. It was also fear that it would come up in the future and so yes it was to control the narrative. Most shamefully it is part of who I am... cheating let me assume a bit of power, but telling her let me give her some power in a manner I was ok with at the time. We had hit a rough patch and the cheating/admitting seemed to send a message, I see now that it was a short term game and one that I did not anticipate would be playing out years later.

If you had stopped the affair without getting caught, you definitely didn't need to say anything.

This arrangement is impossible tho because women eventually catch the cheaters. Sooner or later, especially if he’s cheating regularly, she’ll catch him.

I have heard the idea floated that women are better at having affairs and not getting caught. I don't know enough to judge if that idea has merit.

It goes one of 2 ways with open relationships. You meet someone else, or your partner meets someone else and you/your partner monkey branch. It’s inevitable because you’re sub-communicating to your partner that you’re a casual sex addict, and this isn’t something sensible people want to invest their future in.

In most cases, the open relationship benefits the woman more as she gets more extra-relational penis since her vagina is in more demand. Blackdragon claims to have an open relationship system where men can get more side vag than women get side penis. I'm skeptical.

Plates will have a shelf-life of usually 6-9 months maximum. At that point, if they have any self-worth, they will begin dropping hints about "what we are" to get a commitment even if they originally began sleeping with you knowing full well you were sleeping with other women. If you refuse, expect a strong rebuke about your immoral behavior (while she likely was still keeping a guy or two around in addition to you as backup).

All accurate.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Because no quality woman would agree to an open relationship. And even if she did, resentment builds.

It goes one of 2 ways with open relationships. You meet someone else, or your partner meets someone else and you/your partner monkey branch. It’s inevitable because you’re sub-communicating to your partner that you’re a casual sex addict, and this isn’t something sensible people want to invest their future in.

Investment means a desire to possess the thing you’re investing your time, energy, emotions and resources into. For another random dude to come along and stick their c0ck in your investment, that’s something only the very weakest of men would be okay with.

Here’s what men want ideally - a committed, monogamous woman who thinks he is also committed and monogamous so he can “play house” with her. But he also would love to have freedom to fvck around on the side without her knowing. This allows him to maintain the frame of “commitment” with his wife, and this gets the best out of her. She wouldn’t be highly invested if she knew he was banging other women.

This arrangement is impossible tho because women eventually catch the cheaters. Sooner or later, especially if he’s cheating regularly, she’ll catch him.

This post 100%

Where I think the men screw up by cheating are threefold-

1) Confessing (to anyone else). Take it to the grave. Don’t even tell your best buddy

2) Cheating frequently - having whole side relationships is a big mistake. Get your nut off and be done with it

3) Cheating irresponsibly - wear a condom. no outside kids or STDs. Keep it far from home. Don’t bring the other woman anywhere near your home life. Ideally, this broad lives in another state or country and has no idea where you live.