How is being able to walk away an attractive quality?

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Sorry if I'm being naive but how would you define disrespect? Can you give some examples please.

I got a relationship with this 'passionate' girl who liked to slapped me in the face during a quarrel.
I didn't give her the response she expected, I told her that physical violence against a loved one is always wrong and I was out.
I left her and she left messages on my answering machine (happened a long time ago) begging me to reconsider and give her another chance.
I had a stern talk with her about physicality. She claimed she had hit me because she was angry. I told her that she had to control those impulses around me, because if she ever tried to physically hurt me again, I would be out and not coming back.
Second quarrel she broke plates on the kitchen floor, but it was her floor and her plates, so I didn't care.
Third quarrel I was just in time to block a punch, so I walked out.
She blew up my answering machine with messages; tearful at first, then accusatory, then belligerent and angry, then offended screaming.
I never get back to her, but I found out that she has a history of domestic abuse against men. And most of these men were abused as children and didn't put up a fight. She had broken the jaw of a previous boyfriend with a crystal ashtray and the guy she had after me ended up in the hospital with a broken hip and leg after she pushed him down the stairs.

Sometimes 'passionate' means 'insane'.

 

[soulforge]

I got a relationship with this 'passionate' girl who liked to slapped me in the face during a quarrel.
I didn't give her the response she expected, I told her that physical violence against a loved one is always wrong and I was out.
I left her and she left messages on my answering machine (happened a long time ago) begging me to reconsider and give her another chance.
I had a stern talk with her about physicality. She claimed she had hit me because she was angry. I told her that she had to control those impulses around me, because if she ever tried to physically hurt me again, I would be out and not coming back.
Second quarrel she broke plates on the kitchen floor, but it was her floor and her plates, so I didn't care.
Third quarrel I was just in time to block a punch, so I walked out.
She blew up my answering machine with messages; tearful at first, then accusatory, then belligerent and angry, then offended screaming.
I never get back to her, but I found out that she has a history of domestic abuse against men. And most of these men were abused as children and didn't put up a fight. She had broken the jaw of a previous boyfriend with a crystal ashtray and the guy she had after me ended up in the hospital with a broken hip and leg after she pushed him down the stairs.

Sometimes 'passionate' means 'insane'.

Damn that is nuts. First sign of anything physical and I am out of the door.

Seems like was lots of quarreling? Also not a good sign.

 

[Westminster]

They seem like pretty severe examples, especially those described by AmsterdamAssassin but would you regard as being spoken to in a harsh or dismissive tone as disrespect? Personally, I do but I wonder if I'm too sensitive and should just roll with it a bit more.

In my last relationship the girl got into a habit of speaking to me in an offhand way, which started causing a lot of arguments and then she finished the relationship when I challenged her about the way she was speaking to me (which I did find disrespectful).

Partly, I blame myself because I seriously lost frame which, on reflection, may have caused her to lose respect but I also witnessed the way she spoke to her mother which could often be offhand and brusque.

Either way, I didn't like the way I was being treated but is this disrespect? It wasn't simply what was being said, it was the way things were said, which I really didn't like. But I dunno, maybe I am just too sensitive.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Seems like was lots of quarreling? Also not a good sign.

I was younger then. I was attracted to 'passionate' women, but many of them were just 'bonkers'.

In my last relationship the girl got into a habit of speaking to me in an offhand way, which started causing a lot of arguments and then she finished the relationship when I challenged her about the way she was speaking to me (which I did find disrespectful).

It's the tone that makes the music. If her tone is dismissive and she doesn't mean to be dismissive, she has to change her tone. If she means it, she's disdainful to you and I personally wouldn't accept that.

 

[soulforge]

I was younger then. I was attracted to 'passionate' women, but many of them were just 'bonkers'.


It's the tone that makes the music. If her tone is dismissive and she doesn't mean to be dismissive, she has to change her tone. If she means it, she's disdainful to you and I personally wouldn't accept that.

Yeh the delivery/tone is important.

If she argues nicely once a while, that's to be expected. If she has no impulse control & goes on a agressive tirade often, then that's a problem.

 

[soulforge]

They seem like pretty severe examples, especially those described by AmsterdamAssassin but would you regard as being spoken to in a harsh or dismissive tone as disrespect? Personally, I do but I wonder if I'm too sensitive and should just roll with it a bit more.

In my last relationship the girl got into a habit of speaking to me in an offhand way, which started causing a lot of arguments and then she finished the relationship when I challenged her about the way she was speaking to me (which I did find disrespectful).

Partly, I blame myself because I seriously lost frame which, on reflection, may have caused her to lose respect but I also witnessed the way she spoke to her mother which could often be offhand and brusque.

Either way, I didn't like the way I was being treated but is this disrespect? It wasn't simply what was being said, it was the way things were said, which I really didn't like. But I dunno, maybe I am just too sensitive.

I think the tone is important.

If it's something she does regular, then yeh at some point you will snap back and get angry at her.

I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman, avoid it all cost, however some crazy chicks will drive you to an argument.

I had the same problem as you, when she went off on a tirade with anger in her voice and constant challenging, I would also question whether this is disrespect or am I being too sensitive.

 

[Westminster]

I think the tone is important.

If it's something she does regular, then yeh at some point you will snap back and get angry at her.

I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman, avoid it all cost, however some crazy chicks will drive you to an argument.

I had the same problem as you, when she went off on a tirade with anger in her voice and constant challenging, I would also question whether this is disrespect or am I being too sensitive.

It's a bit of a conundrum really. Sometimes I think zero tolerance is the best policy, other times I just think it's better to ignore and/or avoid conflict. Problem is, a lot of women nowadays push their luck and then burst into tears when you have a go back. So, it's a difficult balance.

 

[soulforge]

It's a bit of a conundrum really. Sometimes I think zero tolerance is the best policy, other times I just think it's better to ignore and/or avoid conflict. Problem is, a lot of women nowadays push their luck and then burst into tears when you have a go back. So, it's a difficult balance.

The other problem is, when they go on an angry tirade with you, and you ignore it, or walk away for a while, and then this continues happening, it often will get much worse.

My ex would just flip and go into an angry rage, sometimes I would just tell her to stop, and let her know that she isn't achieving anything by being like this.

But yeh it didn't get any better. Things only got worse.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

It's a bit of a conundrum really. Sometimes I think zero tolerance is the best policy, other times I just think it's better to ignore and/or avoid conflict. Problem is, a lot of women nowadays push their luck and then burst into tears when you have a go back. So, it's a difficult balance.

You have to know how women argue and understand that it's rarely about what she says, but deeper feelings that signal she doesn't feel safe and secure with you. If she feels at ease she's less likely to pick a fight, although some women come from toxic background where stormy relationships are all she knows.

 

[soulforge]

You have to know how women argue and understand that it's rarely about what she says, but deeper feelings that signal she doesn't feel safe and secure with you. If she feels at ease she's less likely to pick a fight, although some women come from toxic background where stormy relationships are all she knows.

I understand your point here.

You could be dealing with two types of women.

Girl One. The one who in the early part of the relationship, was sweet, caring, followed your lead etc.. Somewhere in that relationship you let your guard down, let her get away with a little too much & now she is comfortable arguing with you, because she sensed weakness.

Girl Two. Has history of previous toxic relationships, has mental health issues like depression, has a masculine streak to her, comes from a broken household, has not father figure.

These type of girls will be combative no matter what, as they are impulsive and damaged to some degree.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

These type of girls will be combative no matter what, as they are impulsive and damaged to some degree.

Sure, but there's nothing wrong with that. Like I said, I counsel women with C-PTSD. If you have proper frame control and you yourself are not unstable and/or impulsive in your emotional responses, you should have no trouble leading them.

 

[soulforge]

Sure, but there's nothing wrong with that. Like I said, I counsel women with C-PTSD. If you have proper frame control and you yourself are not unstable and/or impulsive in your emotional responses, you should have no trouble leading them.

This is true, but over a long period of time, dealing with BPD is no walk in the park.

Yup when she goes nuts on you, you can hold frame and deal with it, tolerate it.

It might annoy you or even upset you, especially when she is clearly Disrespectful.

Or.. you could dump her, and find a healthier person who you don't have to tame every day.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Or.. you could dump her, and find a healthier person who you don't have to tame every day.

Or tell them to find someone else to listen to them. I counsel them, I don't date them.

 

[Westminster]

I understand your point here.

You could be dealing with two types of women.

Girl One. The one who in the early part of the relationship, was sweet, caring, followed your lead etc.. Somewhere in that relationship you let your guard down, let her get away with a little too much & now she is comfortable arguing with you, because she sensed weakness.

Girl Two. Has history of previous toxic relationships, has mental health issues like depression, has a masculine streak to her, comes from a broken household, has not father figure.

These type of girls will be combative no matter what, as they are impulsive and damaged to some degree.

Scenario 2 was my former wife, who was, as it transpired, a truly bad person.

When my marriage ended I got into a relationship with a younger woman and all was great at first, I had the lead. But I lost frame, partly because my ex-wife was giving me such a hard time with the divorce, making horrible accusations and stopping me seeing the kids. Then the new girl sensed weakness and basically turned on me. When I objected she unceremoniously dumped me.

 

[soulforge]

Scenario 2 was my former wife, who was, as it transpired, a truly bad person.

When my marriage ended I got into a relationship with a younger woman and all was great at first, I had the lead. But I lost frame, partly because my ex-wife was giving me such a hard time with the divorce, making horrible accusations and stopping me seeing the kids. Then the new girl sensed weakness and basically turned on me. When I objected she unceremoniously dumped me.

When you say you lost frame what exactly do you mean? Getting angry with her one time isn't completely losing frame.

I don't think there is any long term relationship outhere where man hasn't got into an argument with his girl.

 

[Westminster]

When you say you lost frame what exactly do you mean? Getting angry with her one time isn't completely losing frame.

I don't think there is any long term relationship outhere where man hasn't got into an argument with his girl.

One thing is that I (stupidly) moved into her house, so I was on her turf so to speak.

Then I was getting upset with the constant attacks my wife was making on me via the police, the courts and online harassment. I didn't cope with it well and frankly I think the new girl eventually got sick of it and started looking for a way out. Which she took when I objected to her attitude towards me.

 

[soulforge]

One thing is that I (stupidly) moved into her house, so I was on her turf so to speak.

Then I was getting upset with the constant attacks my wife was making on me via the police, the courts and online harassment. I didn't cope with it well and frankly I think the new girl eventually got sick of it and started looking for a way out. Which she took when I objected to her attitude towards me.

Yeh moving into a girls house, would definitely put you on the back foot in terms of holding power and authority.

So did you tell her that you don't like her combative attitude? Did she argue and tell you to leave.

Yeh sounds like she was looking for a way out.

 

[Westminster]

Yeh moving into a girls house, would definitely put you on the back foot in terms of holding power and authority.

So did you tell her that you don't like her combative attitude? Did she argue and tell you to leave.

Yeh sounds like she was looking for a way out.

Yes, I told her that I didn't like her attitude and she blew up and ordered me out of the house.

Then she wanted us to have a 'friendship' instead but that's not my style, I'm an all or nothing man. So, that was it.

Now, several months on I hear she's very much in love with a new guy. I suspect it was a monkey branch job actually, although I've no proof of that and frankly I haven't got the will to find out anyway. She's moved on and there's no way I'd go back once another guys been involved in any case.

Game over.

 

[soulforge]

Yes, I told her that I didn't like her attitude and she blew up and ordered me out of the house.

Then she wanted us to have a 'friendship' instead but that's not my style, I'm an all or nothing man. So, that was it.

Now, several months on I hear she's very much in love with a new guy. I suspect it was a monkey branch job actually, although I've no proof of that and frankly I haven't got the will to find out anyway. She's moved on and there's no way I'd go back once another guys been involved in any case.

Game over.

Yeh mate when they try and get rid of you like that, it's because they already have another set up in the pipeline.

You have to be able to read the Signs. If you're girl isn't acting accordingly, then it's best to drop her and move on, before things get to the stage where she leaves you and monkey branches.

Most woman do this. I dumped my ex due to her bad behaviour and occasionally disrespectful behaviour. I actually told her to leave my house.

Have been NC 8 weeks, she was 25 years old, in her prime and very hot.

It is what it is.

 

[Westminster]

Yeh mate when they try and get rid of you like that, it's because they already have another set up in the pipeline.

You have to be able to read the Signs. If you're girl isn't acting accordingly, then it's best to drop her and move on, before things get to the stage where she leaves you and monkey branches.

Most woman do this. I dumped my ex due to her bad behaviour and occasionally disrespectful behaviour. I actually told her to leave my house.

Have been NC 8 weeks, she was 25 years old, in her prime and very hot.

It is what it is.

I need to be better at reading the signs but sometimes it's difficult to see the wood for the trees. But I should have been proactive and got out earlier you're right. Always better to be the dumper than to get dumped.

In hindsight, the signs were there. I think anyway. Moving in was a mistake too, no doubt.