Help! Possible Cluster B- Feeling Totally Lost

[SmackinIsaiah]

I want that last part but I don't think thats possible anymore, but I've always been sucked in by the dance for years, and it appears my feet are half way in those shoes. And no, she is not normal by any means, she's hoovered for years. Check your pm johnny

 

[Die Hard]

You're a moron... You want a miserable life, so good luck pursuing it!

 

[MonkeyButt]

They do give up...

First, smack is not a moron, just a person who has been hurt, and is trying to rationalize the irrational.

My ex is cluster b.
I asked all these same types of questions, dangling by a string, telling some people I'm so done, but knowing if the right things were said I'd take her back.

The no contact was difficult. It even got to the point where I was receiving messages suggesting she'd kill herself 'cause she's so down.

As soon as I didn't respond to that either, she gave up, hooked up with a different chump and is getting her mind-humps in.

At this point I was truly free and have been getting happier ever since.

Hold your resolve.
Do no question her antics for that is Mr. Denial chatting to you.

Chin up Smackin,

MB

 

[Die Hard]

Yes he is a moron, and he needs to hear it. You and your 'soft' approach towards him are not doing him any good. On the contrary, you're enabling his self destructive behavior with your approach.

On the other hand... This guy obviously needs more than our advises to get his sh!t together. He needs to crash and burn until he has a mental breakdown and his survival instinct kicks in as a result. Only then will he do the right thing... So actually, your enabling him is good, it will drive him towards her so he can endure more of her mindfvcking and eventually have his breakdown. Please continue

 

[Die Hard]

Double post

 

[SmackinIsaiah]

Haha I'm going to Vegas in two weeks, chill out die hard I've already hit that spot.

 

[Die Hard]

You'll get there, Smack. Just stay focused and keep persevering in your intention (to definitely leave her and this situation behind you).

The best advice I can give you is not to write or read in this thread anymore, coz it only draws your mind to her and the situation, while your mind should do the opposite.

She has to become like those ants in your backyard...

 

[squirrels]

I went to get my stuff Monday, she knew I'd be there (but was at work) as I told her i was coming after work. Walked in, the bedroom is rearranged. Grab some clothes, and holy **** there is an UNOPENED condom on the window sill. I almost lost it. Packed up my **** and told her I'd be there later to get all the small crap that was in drawers etc. She chickened out of seeing me later on that night as she had a "late meeting" I've acted totally cold to her since but haven't mentioned the condom. Keep in mind this girl has a long long history of pulling **** tests like this (posing as friends on msn, push/pull tactics, and other delusionary ****). My closest friends that distrusted her from the start say it was probably a **** test to see if she could get a reaction out of me, which so far I haven't succumbed to. I mean a ****ing condom! is she sick? I dont ****ing deserve this.

It's funny...a guy will put up with ALL the bullsh*t in the world from a girl...he'll let her abuse him, humiliate him, strip him of his friends, his family, emasculate him, suck him into a codependent vortex of fail, all with a smile on his face and talk of "love".

But let him catch the slightest whiff of infidelity and he just FLIPS OUT.

It's good that you feel "lost"...it means you're starting to finally see what you've gotten involved with, see the signs that have been dangling right in front of your face for however long you've been with this girl.

Breathe the free air again.

 

[Findog]

I don’t know if my ex was Cluster B/BPD or not. I’ve read up on it, and some of the criteria fits her, and some of it doesn’t. The sex was very good, but I wouldn't describe it as mind-blowing. She did not rage at me ever. She didn't create drama and day to day our relationship was pretty stable. There wasn't a constant high/low effect like so many of you guys have described. But I was referred to this forum and this topic because the person had a relationship with a Cluster B/BPD and felt many similarities to my story. When I read about the feelings that some of you guys have had and what a challenge it is to get over the heartache involved with such a person, it rings very true to me. I’ll share my story and maybe you can tell me if this sounds like a Cluster B/BPD person or not.

We started dating when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. It ended at the one-year mark. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term, just a few months, because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. Her background is that her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. Her mom remarried when she was 5. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together: “He’ll come up to (large city where we reside) to go to the gun show, but he won’t come up to take me to dinner.”

Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage after several months. It didn't seem like too much, too soon. My best friend formally proposed to his wife after 9 months of dating and they've been together for 10 years now. I have a card from her from last Valentine’s Day where she writes “I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side.” She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. Whenever he comes into town, he calls her up and invites her to dinner. She always ignores him. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and accepted his dinner invitation and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told them I was The One.

Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as her fiance. A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and we needed to arrange a dinner to make that happen. Around the same time we had gone to church one Sunday afternoon and she called her 92 year old grandmother who lives in an assisted facility. This is her real dad’s mom. Before me, she had no contact with her real dad or her grandmother for years. But she had gone to visit her and then called her up this Sunday seeing if she was home so I could meet her. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands so I could get a better idea of what to get her. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of ring (white gold) she wanted.

Last fall we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was Thursday, October 14th at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday, October 17th for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility. So the next Saturday, October 16th, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. The plan was for me to take the public transit to her neighborhood so she could pick me up and then we would go to the wedding together.I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early, so I texted her back and said “We have several hours to kill before the wedding, what do you want to do?” And she texts back “I’ll be there in 30 and we can talk.” So that got my radar up immediately and I called her and she didn’t answer. I called again and she didn’t pick up. So when she got to my place I pretty much knew what she was about to do.

Remember how I said she had never been with a guy longer than a year? This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she came into my apt and said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family, and it hurt for her to project that on to me. I told her that I never resented having to go to weddings with her, I just loved being with her, and I didn’t care what we did. After about 15 minutes she got up and left.

I missed a couple red flags before she broke up with me. She made a very weird comment a few weeks before breaking up about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like “What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?” And she says “Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now.” There were also a few other occasions where she said she wished Jesus would come back already. She also made a comment that was a precursor to when she broke up with me and she said she couldn’t love me the exact same way that I loved her and I needed to be okay with that. Since up to this time we had both been very happy with each other, I thought she was talking about different loving styles and I was like “Sure, no problem.”

I never called, texted, emailed, IM’d, showed up at her apt or job, or sought out her friends or family. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter was about two weeks after the breakup. I had some friends look it over first so I didn’t come across as pathetically begging to get back together or being hateful or spiteful. I basically just said that I respected her decision, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Her response to that final letter was to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence and then she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back.

It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I didn’t want to inquire about what she was currently up to and risk info I wouldn’t want to hear, nor could I bring up the past without pissing her off. I figured that whining and begging to get back together, or being hateful and spiteful would just let her conscience off the hook and eases her guilt, so I played it dignified. After I loaded the bike in her vehicle, I said “I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.” And she said “Aww thank you” and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

Most breakups there is some sort of underlying logic to what is occurring, and I don’t believe that happened here. And usually when a relationship ends, it’s been going downhill for a while. Things were still very, very good. And then there were the plans and commitment she made that she was unable and unwilling to follow through on. Most people I talk to say that these are commitment/intimacy/abandonment/daddy issues and I’m better off. But man is it hard to emotionally accept that. All you remember is that the relationship itself was grounded and stable, full of love, almost no drama or conflict, and how could somebody walk away from that?

She discarded me like a piece of garbage, and abandoned me when I needed her the most after what happened with my dad. It’s not normal to so quickly go from “I love you, I want to marry you, you’re the best I’ve ever had” to wanting me out of your life. The whole thing has been a huge mindf*ck. Six months on and I feel a lot better, but I still have so much healing to do. I don't know if another guy was in the picture or not. It's certainly possible. You know how your gut tells you something is wrong? I never got that. Our patterns of spending time together didn't change, there was no secretive behavior with her phone/laptop, etc. I certainly can't rule it out, but I'd rather not think about it. It's been six months now, so I assume she's with somebody now.

 

[Findog]

Atom

12)Most often very attractive and overly concerned about their appearance.
13)Childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical).
14)Dysfunctional broken family.
15)Parents and siblings have many cluster B traits as well.
16)Many short lived romantic relationships (they tend to run or abandon them before their at the moment love interest does it to them first).
17)Complains about physical ailments that cannot be explained.
18)Strange stories about things that have happened in their past. Usually involving a boyfriend, parents or siblings.
19)Temper tantrums and raging.
20)I could go on and on.

The bolded definitely apply to my ex.

 

[Findog]

1) Hyper-feminine
2) Baby voice (or like Marilyn Monroe)
3) Highly sexual, projects strong sexuality
4) Mirrors your own phrases and sayings back to you, even days or weeks later, as if they were her own.
5) Loves you, hates you; loves you, hates you (might not be hate, might just show as being "incensed" or annoyed).
6) Shows signs of being a future nag (little comments like, "I told you you should have written that address down...")
7) Alarmingly self-centered
8) Almost completely bereft of empathy or a nurturing spirit
9) Looks down on people of lower socio-economic status, though will not openly say that. You can just tell.
10) Attention is her SOLE concern. She lives and dies by attention
11) Intense jealousy

Bolded - yes. 3, 4, 6 and 8 - sorta. 5, 7 and 11 - No.

 

[Johnnyventana]

That's quite the story Findog. They certainly know how to F up and otherwise perfect relationship. Boggles the mind. You seem to have your ****e together though. Which is very good.

 

[Findog]

That's quite the story Findog. They certainly know how to F up and otherwise perfect relationship. Boggles the mind. You seem to have your ****e together though. Which is very good.

I've had bereavements that weren't as bad as this. Drove me to counseling, 12-step meetings, relationship message boards. I've been dumped before, had my heart broken before, had situations not work out before. They were sad and a challenge to get through, but this has been a trial unlike anything I've ever experienced. It's a constant struggle between your brain telling you that this woman was not capable of giving me the relationship I wanted and your heart that just wants to push the rewind button.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Findog, I think it is because none of it makes any rational sense. Also, you have no one to rationalize with. Meaning of course, she's not rational. She not real -- really. A facade, a fake. She was exactly what you wanted, because she wanted to be that. And then she wasn't. I think after awhile, not only do they get sick of pretending to be what you want, they also blame You for having pretended to be what you want.

She also seemed to have convinced herself that her relationships last X long, and just made that a self-fullfulling prophecy in her crazy mind.

Sounds like she split you black and thus literally didn't feel anything for you anymore. It sounds crazy, because it is. Of course, you can't split her black and you are left to cope without the normal closure one would get. Not too mention, it was so out of the blue for you. It is understandable what a shock it was to your system.

 

[5string]

Findog

I think I have the answer, or defense if you will for a cluster B. I have thought about this long and hard.

Even when a guy becomes emotionally attached to a woman, cluster B or not, you have to be able to walk away in an instant in the event of weird or bad behavior. This must become a mindset. It must be in the back of your mind at all times. That being, that no matter what the situation, you have the guts and wearwithall to let her go and not look back. You have to convince yourself that you can do this no matter what feelings you may or may not have for a woman. Anything can happen, and sometimes it does.

Know in you heart, that no matter what, you have this ability beforehand.

Carry this power with you now, and for the rest of your life.

Then you will be prepared for what may come.

 

[Findog]

Findog

I think I have the answer, or defense if you will for a cluster B. I have thought about this long and hard.

Even when a guy becomes emotionally attached to a woman, cluster B or not, you have to be able to walk away in an instant in the event of weird or bad behavior. This must become a mindset. It must be in the back of your mind at all times. That being, that no matter what the situation, you have the guts and wearwithall to let her go and not look back. You have to convince yourself that you can do this no matter what feelings you may or may not have for a woman. Anything can happen, and sometimes it does.

Know in you heart, that no matter what, you have this ability beforehand.

Carry this power with you now, and for the rest of your life.

Then you will be prepared for what may come.

Thanks. I've done some casual dating since the breakup, even gotten laid a few times, and that's helped with the validation that I've still got some game and other women find me attractive, after my self-esteem and confidence went into the crapper. I'm still not 100 percent myself and I'm surprised at how well I've done in The Game given my current emotional state. It gives me hope for what I can do once I've recovered more fully.

I realize now I overlooked some red flags in the beginning. The relationship itself was grounded, stable and fulfilling on the whole day to day. She didn't act super jealous, she didn't have violent mood swings, she didn't project crazy accusations on to me. I didn't tiptoe on eggshells everyday I was with her. But they say no two of these Cluster B's are going to be exactly alike. There's just broad patterns. In the beginning she told me about her real dad on the very first date, which is info that I think comes out much later. I also remember that after we had been dating two months, we were texting back and forth one night when I was away at a family function, and she said that she was so glad she met me and didn't settle for any of the other "losers" that she'd dated. Knowing what I know from talking to her friends, undoubtedly she picked very poorly in the past and did date a lot of losers, but to describe all of them that way? Not one single one of her exes was a decent guy? Plus she said she never dated anybody for very long and I was tied for the longest relationship she'd had.

So - troubled childhood, abandoned by one of her parents, raised by a controlling, domineering mother, history of short-term relationships, trashing all of her exes, add it up and it's not good. But because she's high-functioning and she behaved in a mature and kind way when we were together, I thought that was all irrelevant. I was wrong.

 

[Die Hard]

you know, indifference is the goal but I wasnt able to be indifferent and forgive her until I had allowed myself to HATE her. Once you hate her the pity party that she threw for you stops and you will see things more clearly.

Indeed, this is imperative.

 

[GameOfNoGame]

My cluster B's tactic is the silent treatment. Everything was great then she disappeared on her 25th birthday with no word or warning and I msgd her expressing increased anxiety because well my girlfriend disappeared on her birthday. Finally she msgd me with some vague response about having had a family issue but by then it was too late, I'd sent a real card to her mother's where she had been staying in a last ditch effort to find out what was going on.

Her mother told me that this girl had run off to go back to her abusive ex. I contacted her demanding some answers & she apologized and said she had already decided to go home and showed me her plane ticket for our trip to prove she hadn't been blowing smoke up my ass the whole time and I wasn't angry, just concerned for her safety & relieved that she wasn't hurt or sick & was going to finally do the right thing. She said I was the sweetest & that she looked forward to catching up when home

Then she gave the silent treatment again, days later I looked at her ticket and she had cancelled it. That's when I lost it. I hadn't been angry before but I was angry now because I had shown her patience but she immediately turned around & betrayed my trust again. I called like 50 times in a row telling her to stop being such a coward and answer me. I was an emotional wreck at this point going from rage to sorrow day to day & minute to minute trying to plea for some decency until she broke silence.

Turns out she never went home, she had stayed there with this guy whom she'd been having a vicious cycle relationship with for years who yells at her, throws things, breaks things, calls her fat, monitors her calls, makes her do all his domestic chores, cheats on her & sexually assaults her when she refuses his advances. What's worse is she began stripping online for money & I don't know if he was aware. Heartbreak aside, I was actually constantly terrified for her.

I tried to be patient & non chalant but I'd really loved this girl and it was all so confusing & hurtful & scary. She would come act like my best friend for awhile then out of no where just start ignoring me again for weeks or months only to come back and act like my best friend again once she felt like it and all I wanted wa the person I'd spent so much time laughing with to be safe and happy even if it's not with me but it became apparent that she just wasn't learning anything from all this.

This is why I got whiney & began begging, because as far as I could tell she had no friends and I thought she was just an abused woman who needed one so I was really trying hard to keep her grounded & pleading for her to step back & how I'd help her do so if she needed. I hope that didn't relieve her concious because what she did was really very cruel to me and her family and she should feel bad & normal people like the fact that I'm a caring person who is there for others rather than resent it.

I don't feel ashamed for sacrificing my dignity for something that meant that much to me but I wish I could have handled it more stoically. I shouldn't have gotten angry and I shouldn't have gotten so flummoxed with anxiety when I needed to be my most eloquent. But this was all so maddening. I've long since given up but have heard from her occassionally since so I guess there has been time since to regain my dignity in her warped perception because she knows my life is great while her's is a friggin mess

And that's why I'm still not angry & would still be a good friend as I am to anyone just so she can see the difference. So okay guys, you can all call me names or whatever now

 

[5string]

Game

I'm not goona call you names. Only gonna say, well, you learned a valuable lesson.

The slient treatment is one of the most childish, immature baby a$$ tactics that a woman can pull on a man. The best response to this is to either go about your business and not care, or tell her to GTFO.

 

[georgie24]

My cluster B's tactic is the silent treatment. Everything was great then she disappeared on her 25th birthday with no word or warning and I msgd her expressing increased anxiety because well my girlfriend disappeared on her birthday. Finally she msgd me with some vague response about having had a family issue but by then it was too late, I'd sent a real card to her mother's where she had been staying in a last ditch effort to find out what was going on.

Her mother told me that this girl had run off to go back to her abusive ex. I contacted her demanding some answers & she apologized and said she had already decided to go home and showed me her plane ticket for our trip to prove she hadn't been blowing smoke up my ass the whole time and I wasn't angry, just concerned for her safety & relieved that she wasn't hurt or sick & was going to finally do the right thing. She said I was the sweetest & that she looked forward to catching up when home

Then she gave the silent treatment again, days later I looked at her ticket and she had cancelled it. That's when I lost it. I hadn't been angry before but I was angry now because I had shown her patience but she immediately turned around & betrayed my trust again. I called like 50 times in a row telling her to stop being such a coward and answer me. I was an emotional wreck at this point going from rage to sorrow day to day & minute to minute trying to plea for some decency until she broke silence.

Turns out she never went home, she had stayed there with this guy whom she'd been having a vicious cycle relationship with for years who yells at her, throws things, breaks things, calls her fat, monitors her calls, makes her do all his domestic chores, cheats on her & sexually assaults her when she refuses his advances. What's worse is she began stripping online for money & I don't know if he was aware. Heartbreak aside, I was actually constantly terrified for her.

I tried to be patient & non chalant but I'd really loved this girl and it was all so confusing & hurtful & scary. She would come act like my best friend for awhile then out of no where just start ignoring me again for weeks or months only to come back and act like my best friend again once she felt like it and all I wanted wa the person I'd spent so much time laughing with to be safe and happy even if it's not with me but it became apparent that she just wasn't learning anything from all this.

This is why I got whiney & began begging, because as far as I could tell she had no friends and I thought she was just an abused woman who needed one so I was really trying hard to keep her grounded & pleading for her to step back & how I'd help her do so if she needed. I hope that didn't relieve her concious because what she did was really very cruel to me and her family and she should feel bad & normal people like the fact that I'm a caring person who is there for others rather than resent it.

I don't feel ashamed for sacrificing my dignity for something that meant that much to me but I wish I could have handled it more stoically. I shouldn't have gotten angry and I shouldn't have gotten so flummoxed with anxiety when I needed to be my most eloquent. But this was all so maddening. I've long since given up but have heard from her occassionally since so I guess there has been time since to regain my dignity in her warped perception because she knows my life is great while her's is a friggin mess

And that's why I'm still not angry & would still be a good friend as I am to anyone just so she can see the difference. So okay guys, you can all call me names or whatever now

your guilt talking, you have bigger issues in your mind my friend and a long journey ahead or a short one with a 9mm bullet..choose you path wisley