Help! Possible Cluster B- Feeling Totally Lost

[MonkeyButt]

I see Mr. Game, you've been introduced to Mr. Denial.
In the end, Mr. Denial will f*ck you over as well.
The ultimate outcome is the same, but the duration of the pain is not.

Not going to call you names for that would make me a hypocrite (been there, done that).

Good luck my friend!

 

[georgie24]

worst thing withthese girls is:

building a life with them
mixing them in your family and friends
facebook

Game- you have ALOT of work to do, search button is up there hit BPD and get lost in this site for hours ( if you can )

 

[Findog]

The slient treatment is one of the most childish, immature baby a$$ tactics that a woman can pull on a man. The best response to this is to either go about your business and not care, or tell her to GTFO.

You know, that's one of the things that hurt the worst about my whole ordeal...the fact that I wasn't worth a single conversation. She never gave any indication that she had issues with me or the relationship before she broke it off. And the breakup conversation wasn't really much of a conversation. It was pretty much her telling me it was over and not really wanting to answer questions.

I wrote her a letter two weeks afterwards, not a begging/pleading letter, but just basically explaining where I stood, that I wanted to try couples counseling and that I felt what we had together was worth trying to save. I said in the letter that if we went to a few sessions together and it became clear that there were differences that couldn't be solved (mind you we never had so much as an argument and she never expressed any dissatisfaction), then we could walk away knowing that we gave things our best shot and it wasn't meant to be...but that the upside was that we had a potential lifetime of companionship together to gain. I got radio silence as a result. I showed the letter to a couple female friends of mine, and they both said the same thing, that a person has a right to leave a relationship, but how they do it says a lot about them, and her silence in response to a very mature and dignified letter says a lot about her, none of it good.

 

[MonkeyButt]

You know, that's one of the things that hurt the worst about my whole ordeal...the fact that I wasn't worth a single conversation. She never gave any indication that she had issues with me or the relationship before she broke it off.

^^^^ This!

Mine wanted to convert our "marriage" to an open marriage. In other words there were things she still wanted to share with me (mostly my pay cheque).

My favorite quote: "Sometimes life is not black and white, sometimes it's gray".

My advise to whoever finds themselves involved with this kind of woman: "Run Forest run!".

MB

 

[5string]

Findog

In thinking about what happened to you, it seems to have been "the silent treatment" at first which later turned into full no contact on her part.

The silent treatment is a mechanism that a woman will use for a desired result. Namely, to hurt you.

 

[Findog]

Findog

In thinking about what happened to you, it seems to have been "the silent treatment" at first which later turned into full no contact on her part.

The silent treatment is a mechanism that a woman will use for a desired result. Namely, to hurt you.

She did contact me three months after the breakup to get her bike back. I remember a few days before she emailed me for the bike, I was telling my cousin what had happened, and he asked me if I had had any contact with her after the breakup and I said no, that I had made two post-breakup gestures and both were met with silence. And his reply "Well that is just effing ridiculous." I only was asking for a conversation, not where I would beg her to take me back, but just explain things better than how she did. Have respect for me and what we had together to do this in a decent way. That's one of the biggest obstacles I've had in moving on: It's not like I was some abuser/user that cheated on her and ran her down, nor did I wait on her hand and foot like a doormat. I treated her with kindness, respect and compassion, loved her to the best of my ability, and she shat all over that.

I can only contrast her behavior with how my ex-ex handled our breakup. She was direct and honest, treated me with respect, and behaved with integrity. And there was plenty of post-breakup interaction, but it tailed off at a certain point because we both realized that we needed to move on and so now we catch up once or twice a year.

 

[georgie24]

Mine played the silent game as well !!! it WAS motherrrrr f^%^%cking fustrating it was to deal with.

i wrote was in caps because im trying to put her past me

 

[Findog]

Can anyone here share any tips for how to cope and heal from these relationships? I remember when my ex-ex and I broke up, I was sad, and that hurt and was a challenge to get over...but I never lost hope that I could go on and have a fulfilling relationship with somebody else. One thing that I am struggling with is hope, six months out from this one. I feel like I've done a lot of things right:

1) strict NC
2) never did anything pathetic like begging her to take me back and sacrificed my dignity, nor did I fight fire with fire and get hostile and spiteful. I didn't want to do anything to make this easy on her by easing her conscience and acting like a jerk
3) some casual dating
4) I have been staying active so I am not sitting at home alone in my apartment

Yet I still hurt a lot. Does anybody have any tips on how to learn to forgive a Cluster B ex? I feel like this is holding me back. I am still hanging on to a lot of anger over how she ended things. Her behavior is more appropriate if you're breaking up with Ike Turner or Mel Gibson. I didn't deserve this at all. And yet there is nothing I can do about it and it's a situation I have no control over. She will never get back in touch to offer sincere contrition over how badly she hurt me. Does forgiveness just take time? I realize it is not for her benefit but for mine, and really has nothing to do with her. I don't think it has anything to do with being a doormat, excusing her behavior, letting her off the hook, letting her "get away with it," etc. I think it's more about letting go of the resentment and hurt and deciding this is not my problem anymore. So I'm committed to genuine forgiveness, but I'm not still there yet.

 

[Findog]

Can anyone here share any tips for how to cope and heal from these relationships? I remember when my ex-ex and I broke up, I was sad, and that hurt and was a challenge to get over...but I never lost hope that I could go on and have a fulfilling relationship with somebody else. One thing that I am struggling with is hope, six months out from this one. I feel like I've done a lot of things right:

1) strict NC
2) never did anything pathetic like begging her to take me back and sacrificed my dignity, nor did I fight fire with fire and get hostile and spiteful. I didn't want to do anything to make this easy on her by easing her conscience and acting like a jerk
3) some casual dating
4) I have been staying active so I am not sitting at home alone in my apartment

Yet I still hurt a lot. Does anybody have any tips on how to learn to forgive a Cluster B ex? I feel like this is holding me back. I am still hanging on to a lot of anger over how she ended things. Her behavior is more appropriate if you're breaking up with Ike Turner or Mel Gibson. I didn't deserve this at all. And yet there is nothing I can do about it and it's a situation I have no control over. She will never get back in touch to offer sincere contrition over how badly she hurt me. Does forgiveness just take time? I realize it is not for her benefit but for mine, and really has nothing to do with her. I don't think it has anything to do with being a doormat, excusing her behavior, letting her off the hook, letting her "get away with it," etc. I think it's more about letting go of the resentment and hurt and deciding this is not my problem anymore. So I'm committed to genuine forgiveness, but I'm not still there yet.

 

[georgie24]

IMO if you cant get things going 4 yourself with the tools in this forum id seek out counsel, im in same boat, about 4 weeks out, if i start to sense im losing balance : IE groveling back to her, letting her back in, or just plain depressed longer then a month i will seek out counsel.

hang tight, and on this forum,,,,let your mind unravel, dont contimplate her moves, your just draining yourself out

 

[ZenoB]

Does forgiveness just take time? I realize it is not for her benefit but for mine, and really has nothing to do with her.

Eventually you will want to forgive her for your own sake. Once the anger and resentment has built up enough, the only healthy way to release it is to forgive her. After what she did, it may sound like the hardest thing in the world for you to do. The truth is you really don't forgive her, you just tell yourself you do, and keep telling yourself that. Again, for your own sake.

**** her, she's a sociopath, or at least she only cares about herself. You are above her, so you forgive her.

 

[Findog]

Eventually you will want to forgive her for your own sake. Once the anger and resentment has built up enough, the only healthy way to release it is to forgive her. After what she did, it may sound like the hardest thing in the world for you to do. The truth is you really don't forgive her, you just tell yourself you do, and keep telling yourself that. Again, for your own sake.

**** her, she's a sociopath, or at least she only cares about herself. You are above her, so you forgive her.

I've had many a person tell me that what might help with forgiveness is that ultimately she is a broken person that doesn't know how to treat other people....emotionally immature people like her just literally don't know any better, and when they flee relationships under these circumstances, it is primitive and powerfully ingrained defense mechanisms. That doesn't excuse her behavior, because I think she ultimately does know right from wrong, but she just ultimately doesn't care. When it comes to partnering in a relationship and working through your issues, or taking the easy way out and hitting The Reset Button, it's just too easy and tempting to do the latter. The silence and the refusal to treat me with any basic decency is her way of separating herself from the consequences of her actions.

 

[SmackinIsaiah]

Just some updates:

She texts maybe once to twice a week usually along the lines of "Did I give you back that journal I gave you last xmas" or "are we doing the silent treatment again?"

, in which I don't respond 90% of the time, the 10% is a one word response. I'm enjoying my new job still looking for a new home, but I don't want to rush that, it's gotta be perfect for me, and the options are getting better

I still have some things at the apartment that I haven't picked up, I've literally just been too busy to do it, and also not really wanting to see her.

Two nights ago I sent her an email with a tax form from the rent, only text in the email was the signature for my new job (director of yada yada) I get a text from her that night later on asking "When do you plan on picking up your things" I did not respond.

Then I go out last night, come back around 10 and get a text from her 50 minutes later saying.
"My full name You make me very mad when you don't answer."

I showed the text it to my brother and he thought it was my mom texting me..

Have not replied to that. I'm leaving the country for ten days, so I have no plans to get it until after. Should I reply, or is this just a control tactic

 

[GameOfNoGame]

If you don't want to talk to her then you should at least tell her you don't want to talk to her before proceeding to not do so. The silent treatment is as cruel & immature as anything a BPD girl could have done to you. In fact, that IS what my BPD girl did to me & it's maddening because I wouldn't even know there was anything wrong until she just decided she wasn't going to respond to me.

 

[Findog]

If you don't want to talk to her then you should at least tell her you don't want to talk to her before proceeding to not do so. The silent treatment is as cruel & immature as anything a BPD girl could have done to you. In fact, that IS what my BPD girl did to me & it's maddening because I wouldn't even know there was anything wrong until she just decided she wasn't going to respond to me.

Aside from losing her, that was the most maddening thing about it - the fact that we couldn't sit down and have an adult and mature conversation about the relationship ending. The fact that she just ignored me, painted me black and acted like I didn't exist. I wasn't about to do the begging/pleading route, but I thought I was owed courtesy and respect and a conversation. I remember how things ended with my ex-ex, so much different: she was a mature adult about it and treated me with respect. I wrote her a letter a couple weeks after the breakup, just letting her know where I stood and how I felt: no begging or pleading or groveling. I let some of my female friends read it and they all said the same thing: that if they had gotten that letter, they would have at least acknowledged it. Not that it would have convinced her to take me back, but they all said some variation of "I would have acknowledged and thanked you for the letter. If I didn't want to get back together, I would have said that it didn't change my mind to end things, but that I appreciated taking the time to write me a nice letter and let me know how you felt."

 

[SmackinIsaiah]

Aside from losing her, that was the most maddening thing about it - the fact that we couldn't sit down and have an adult and mature conversation about the relationship ending. The fact that she just ignored me, painted me black and acted like I didn't exist. I wasn't about to do the begging/pleading route, but I thought I was owed courtesy and respect and a conversation.

This is exactly what happened to me. Shortly after the break, I tried to express how I felt, but I kept getting put off for "work" meetings, she even said "tentatively" to one meet up, I was completely painted black and flat out ignored or brushed off when I tried to sort things out, and be mature about the situation. Eventually we talked and I told her how I felt, it didn't take a letter, I just did it in person.

Since then, I've seen the rubber and have been pretty much treated with absolute disrespect. I had no desire to give this woman the time of day after all of those years because of this, and surely was not going to reply every time she sent a text. I don't think I needed to tell her that I wouldn't respond.

The fact that she couldn't even telephone me and has done all communication over the past two months. Just texting, after six years. Why would I respond to every text after that? I don't respond right away, and she sends me a text like that, or some snarky cold reply.

Why should I put up with that?

 

[georgie24]

This is exactly what happened to me. Shortly after the break, I tried to express how I felt, but I kept getting put off for "work" meetings, she even said "tentatively" to one meet up, I was completely painted black and flat out ignored or brushed off when I tried to sort things out, and be mature about the situation. Eventually we talked and I told her how I felt, it didn't take a letter, I just did it in person.

Since then, I've seen the rubber and have been pretty much treated with absolute disrespect. I had no desire to give this woman the time of day after all of those years because of this, and surely was not going to reply every time she sent a text. I don't think I needed to tell her that I wouldn't respond.

The fact that she couldn't even telephone me and has done all communication over the past two months. Just texting, after six years. Why would I respond to every text after that? I don't respond right away, and she sends me a text like that, or some snarky cold reply.

Why should I put up with that?

welcome inside the matrix

You CAN tapout anytime you wish...get ur emotions in a good grip!

 

[SmackinIsaiah]

Give me the red pill. What's NeXT?

 

[Paintballguy]

I haven't talked to my BPD ex in about 6 months, and I got a text from her today asking if I still play words with friends. I'm sure she's trying to work her way back into my life.

 

[HeMan]

i dont understand how someone could end up married to a BPD (unless they marry very early on in their relationship and they dont know the girl well enough)

wont guys see the huge warning signs and end the relationship or can these girls HIDE their emotionally craziness until they finally get the guy to commit to marriage, no matter how long it can take for the guy to propose?

or are these guys simply that weak they choose to ignore the huge warning signs?