Help! Possible Cluster B- Feeling Totally Lost

[Blue Phoenix]

I'm convinced that the reason BPDs are impossible to cure is that although they are usually hyper-feminine and gentle on the outside, they are actually massively arrogant and aggressive. It's an odd, incongruent dichotomy. They are sweet and gentle on the outside but massively proud and self-righteous on the inside.

They are absolute slaves to their emotions and are severely socially miscalibrated.

Atom you nailed it on the head!

We all screw up at times, but to be having to jump through hoops all the time simply does not make sense. After reading about personality disorders, you will improve your game about 40% at least (my hunch only). This enough will make you understand why she said she loves you while having sex with all your friends and making you wait for sex, why she said she loves you and and yet flakes out whenever you ask her out, why she kissed another man in front of you after saying she misses you so much, and all other mind games...

I believe most frustation in love and relationships are due to these PDs, especially the dreadful cluster B folks. Like Pook used to say "You´ve just dodged a bullet". It´s not always our fault when such disheartening things happen to us, however we have our last card, to walk away from it and avoid being sucked into it the next time.

Win through your actions, never through argument.
Declare War on Your Enemies: To fight you must know and identify your opponents.
Do Not Lose Your Presence of Mind Amidst the Turmoil of Events.
Pick Your Battles: One can win an expensive battle, but it is usually not worth the risk.
Frustrate the opponent by refusing to fight.
Lose The Battles But Win The War: Grand Strategy.
Know Your Enemy - The Intelligence Strategy: Know your opponent's moves. Understand their way of thinking.
Deny Them Targets - The Strategy of the Void: Remove any targets you have for your opponents.

This list is a great shield against malicious people.

 

[49au]

I'm convinced that the reason BPDs are impossible to cure is that although they are usually hyper-feminine and gentle on the outside, they are actually massively arrogant and aggressive.

It seems like I'm going against the grain in this thread... but IMO the opposite is true. I believe that their fear and shame define everything they do, and annihilation fear specifically is what makes them refuse help.

The shame comes into play from their childhood abandonment issues and their embarrassment over the behavior they have exhibited in their lives (during the times they are lucid and somewhat introspective). Their fear is a fear not only of being abandoned again, but being "discovered" in an intimate relationship to be the shameful, worthless person they perceive themselves to be from childhood.

From what I've read, many if not most of them know something is wrong. But the ego fights to defend itself, and annihilation fear comes into play.

I'm really struggling to find the words to express this how I want to... I just don't think they won't seek help because they don't want help (seriously, these people live in dysregulated emotional HELL, why would they want that for themselves?), I think the ego does not want to let go and accept that they are fundamentally broken. It's like diving into murky water and not knowing if you will ever be able to come out. It is the loss of all control and the threat of "ceasing to exist" psychologically. The ego will do ANYTHING to avoid that.

The thought of journeying into their feelings of emptiness, shame, fear, etc., and facing annihilation, is so terrifying that they employ all their defense mechanisms to avoid it.

So in short, I don't think it's arrogance at all.






Edit: found an excerpt from an article that explains it a little better (emphasis mine):

Annihilation experiences and anxieties are universal in early childhood, where psychic dangers are regularly experienced as traumatic. Eight related ideational contents are seen to comprise the major dimensions of annihilation anxieties: fears of being overwhelmed, of merger, of disintegration, of impingement, of loss of needed support, of inability to cope, of concern over survival, and of responding with a catastrophic mentality. Pathological annihilation anxieties are a consequence and correlate of psychic trauma, ego weakness, object loss, and pathology of the self. They can be consequential for the process of psychoanalytic therapy and may influence resistance, transference, and countertransference in a given treatment. Symptoms, thought patterns, affect states, and behaviors are especially resistant to change when they are defending against such anxieties.

http://www.enotes.com/psychoanalysis-encyclopedia/annihilation-anxieties

 

[Atom Smasher]

I agree with you completely. The arrogance and aggressiveness are the tools that are internally and subconsciously intuited to be most efficient in preventing disintegration or as you put it, annihilation.

It's definitely a closed loop situation. Admitting there is a problem implies staring into the abyss and the fear (or "certainty") of disintegration, therefore it is impossible to acknowledge there is a problem.

It's very sad and my heart truly goes out to them. I realized eventually with my ex that she was behaving the way she does because she absolutely had no way to understand her situation.

Still, they must be held accountable and told that their behavior is inappropriate, just as a child with no reference experiences must be told that this and that is wrong. Sometimes the pain of chastisement can help to condition one to at least partially moderate herr behavior. That modification is for the wrong reason, but it will result in a degree of less damage within her sphere of infuence.

It is true, the ego is at the root and the behavior is motivated by the ego's fierce fight for self-preservation. When I speak of arrogance, I do understand it to be a tool employed subconsciously by the ego to maintain integration of the self.

More of your thoughts are welcome. I admire your steadfastness, 49, in maintaining classy, mature dialog even in the face of perceived disagreement.

 

[49au]

It's definitely a closed loop situation. Admitting there is a problem implies staring into the abyss and the fear (or "certainty") of disintegration, therefore it is impossible to acknowledge there is a problem.

Very well put. I think it is important for those of us who have experienced these women to grasp this.

There is some great discussion about BPD women in this and other threads, I'm glad to have added some thoughts.

 

[Zarky]

The way I see it is, if it helps you to think of them as "evil" to steer clear of them, then fine. If it helps you to think of them as "broken" to steer clear of them, then fine. Whatever mindset it takes, do it.

However, it seems to me that guys should really be asking themselves: "What is it about ME that attracted me to that personality type in the first place, and (even more importantly) what about ME caused me to stick around once I realized she was nuts."

I've boned a couple dozen chicks in my life and dated a couple dozen more, and I've never run across anything like this. What I'm thinking is that there's something inside me that breaks it off with this type of chick before it gets to a point where she starts damaging me, even before I'm consciously aware she's crazy. Guys who get hooked up with BPDs, especially multiple ones over a lifetime, must have some mechanism inside them that is complemented by it.

 

[Die Hard]

Guys who get hooked up with BPDs, especially multiple ones over a lifetime, must have some mechanism inside them that is complemented by it.

This is definitely true in most cases.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I agree. If there is a pattern of hooking up with them, then self-examination is in order.

Fortunately, I've only been with one, and that was very recent. I'll be steering clear from now on, that's for sure. Two weeks ago I started an online dialog with one. After a little back-and-forth I realized who I was dealing with and bid her adieu. Never again will I subject myself to such a vampire.

 

[Paintballguy]

The way I see it is, if it helps you to think of them as "evil" to steer clear of them, then fine. If it helps you to think of them as "broken" to steer clear of them, then fine. Whatever mindset it takes, do it.

However, it seems to me that guys should really be asking themselves: "What is it about ME that attracted me to that personality type in the first place, and (even more importantly) what about ME caused me to stick around once I realized she was nuts."

I've boned a couple dozen chicks in my life and dated a couple dozen more, and I've never run across anything like this. What I'm thinking is that there's something inside me that breaks it off with this type of chick before it gets to a point where she starts damaging me, even before I'm consciously aware she's crazy. Guys who get hooked up with BPDs, especially multiple ones over a lifetime, must have some mechanism inside them that is complemented by it.

Narcissists are drawn to BPD chicks by nature. I definitely have some narcissistic traits, and I seem to be drawn to BPD chicks. I still think about my BPD ex all the time, and I've been through 6-7 chicks since her.

 

[Kailex]

What you guys need to understand is that BPD cannot be cured. Only managed, and even that is the rare exception, not the rule.

And the best way to manage a BPD... is to run in the opposite direction as quick as your legs can carry you.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Somewhere I read that Sharon Stone in the movie Casino portayed a very clear picture of the character of a full blown Cluster B. In my experience with my ex BPD that image appears quite accurate. Wild animals can't be contained.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Narcissists are drawn to BPD chicks by nature. I definitely have some narcissistic traits, and I seem to be drawn to BPD chicks. I still think about my BPD ex all the time, and I've been through 6-7 chicks since her.

http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Love-Dealing-Partners-Personality/dp/1886230803/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_6