Feeling like a lost cause - another perfect date turned sour

[Jariel]

On a related note, I just want to share an experience I had when the roles were reversed as it really does ring true with most of the advice I've been given in this thread.

Several years ago I met a girl and we became close friends. I knew she had a crush on me, but I wasn't so sure I was ready to take that step with her. The more time we spent together the more I grew to like her and one night I ended up kissing her. It felt great at the time and I wanted more. I asked her on a date and she agreed.

That night, however, I couldn't sleep. I felt that it was all or nothing with her, that if I got involved it would be serious and long term, and that was scaring me. My mind was filled with all these doubts and I kept thinking whether I really wanted a girlfriend. I was thinking how it would restrict me, how I was scared of hurting her, how I'd lose my free time and all this negative stuff. In the end I decided to try and sabotage my date. I turned up late, I acted like a child and did my best to put her off. It worked and she explained that she didn't feel the chemistry on our date and wanted to go back to being friends.

As the days rolled by, I started thinking about my missed opportunity, about how much I liked this girl and all the positive things that would come out of us being together. Now, all that negative stuff didn't really matter. Gradually, I found myself falling for her big time. Nothing ever came of it in the end, but even all these years later I regret not taking the chance when I had it.

I think it's natural for people to feel intimidated by any big change and is made so much worse when they feel under pressure or backed into a corner. At that point you start to think of the negatives more and focus on the doubt. But if that opportunity is harder to attain, or seems to be slipping away, then you can only think of the positives and how much you want it.

 

[shizz702]

I know there's already been a lot of responses and support given in this thread but just wanted to chip and say it ain't your fault mate.

That's just the way it goes sometimes, and the fact you sex closed if anything says you did something right. Brush her off as I'm sure you already did and continue on your journey.

 

[perseverance]

You sound too outcome dependent.

I bet if you approached these dates without looking for something more, you'd fair better with these women. Remember women are great readers of body language and maybe your body language is telling her things that your mouth isn't?

You are also probably chasing after women who are commitment-phobes, or who just like casually dating/casual hook ups and you and the women you are dating just aren't on the same wavelength? Just food for thought.

Also, are you still dating women from POF? I've heard from many men who have used that site that a vast majority of women on their are cheap tarts who just go for the no strings attached sex option.

 

[Aaron B]

But as you guys have pointed out, perhaps in future I just need to pay more attention to my post-seduction game, give them space, withhold my texts and attention while they're thinking things over.

Recognize what you've done to raise her interest level up so high, then CONTINUE TO DO THOSE THINGS

 

[st_99]

CONTINUE TO DO THOSE THINGS

isnt it amazing how we can get a girls interest sky high and then once it gets there we go into a defend mode and do the exact opposite of everything we've done.

 

[perseverance]

isnt it amazing how we can get a girls interest sky high and then once it gets there we go into a defend mode and do the exact opposite of everything we've done.

Is it a case of being outcome dependent though? Which of course goes against most advice dished out on this forum.

 

[st_99]

Is it a case of being outcome dependent though? Which of course goes against most advice dished out on this forum.

well its a case of when interacting with a women at first i really don't care much, i don't have much to care about so the interaction is smoother and more care free.

When i see that she has interest, and we date, i begin to fear losing what i've built up, which makes me act different, which turns into disaster. Its usually triggered by the slightest hint of interest going down. Instead of just continuing to be care free I go into panic mode.

 

[perseverance]

I'm past caring about women in all honesty. All year I haven't really bothered with women, I've just lost interest. I can't be bothered with women in all honesty. I don't know why, but I get little to no enjoyment out of pursuing women, and the sex doesn't even make up for the B.S. that goes on in the dating world.

I think half of the dating issues on this site would be solved if prostitution was legalised in the United States and the United Kingdom. :crackup:

I think the case with Jariel is that he is looking for something with substance and is meeting women who want anything but substance. They want to have sex with Jariel and then want to leave afterwards. This whole DJ thing is a double-edged sword, as Jariel is fast discovering. Sometimes being the Don works against you as well as for you. Just gotta take the rough with the smooth.

 

[floydb25]

Pers: That's another point I was thinking about... The kind of girls a lot of these guys are chasing after aren't relationship material. They try to become this and that to attract hotties that they couldn't before... Then complain when things don't last, or whatever. Attracting someone isn't going to change them. At best, they'll be nice and interested for a while - then treat you just as they did when you had no game. The only difference is, they'll be attracted to you. That's it.

The biggest step one needs to take is changing the kind of women they go after. Not just everything else.

 

[Jariel]

I think my problem is the same as st-99s and what a lot of guys here have pointed out, that we're just not posing enough of a challenge.

I've been thinking over a number of failed dates and my big mistake is that I continue seducing even after we've got it on and interest is at its peak, instead of backing off and offering a challenge, allowing her to miss me.

I always find that interest is sky high when I leave. In fact, with this latest girl, I was lying in bed with her arms wrapped round me and her head on my chest right up until I needed to leave. We kissed on the doorstep and all was great. It was 2 days later she rejected me, and this is often how it goes.

It's usually during that downtime after the date that women's mind start ticking and they begin reviewing everything and asking themselves if they want to get involved. The fact that I continue seducing and complimenting via text, or that I'm generally too easy to attain, most likely kills their interest. It may also appear like clingy behaviour, which is surely going to scare these women off.

It's an elementary lesson on these forums and a well known trait of human nature that we value more what we can't have, but I keep failing to put it into practice. I guess it comes down to complacency on my part.

As I said before, when it comes to women I'm not really into, I show less interest after the date. It's they who will often end up obsessed with me.

 

[Jariel]

As for the women I'm going for, these are definitely relationship types...which is why I end up getting so interested in them. I believe they would make such great girlfriends, so it's really gutting when it doesn't work out.

I'm not into the whole changing women to make them settle. I tried that in the past and it's too much drama and disappointment. I recognise women who are good for sex and a bit of fun, and that's all I look for with those types. These women I end up liking and losing are quality.

 

[Suvian]

Dear Jariel,

As with most things in life, its hard to generalize, and this situation is a tree being turned into a forest, in more ways then one. One thing not discussed here is how much you like this girl. If you think this girl is the right girl for you, if you could imagine yourself really committing to her then I say you chase her. From what you have said its obvious she is into you. Its funny how the main thing I've learned from this forum is the affirmation that actions speak louder then words and how its being ignored in this situation. If you like her dude, chase her, she is yours brother.

If you cant see yourself committing to her, if you don't really like her that much, then that's why what happened happened.

Suvian

 

[Jariel]

Chasing her would seem like the most logical and tempting thing to do Suvian. Afterall, I find it hard to believe she could go from being so into me - telling me how I give her butterflies when we kiss, taking a photo together, wanting to give each other hickeys, going out of her way to satisfy me sexually and sleeping in my arms - to losing all her interest overnight.

BUT, the likelihood is that I've shown her way too much affection already, to the point of scaring her away. If I was to chase her now, after she's told me she isn't ready, then it's a sure bet I will scare her even more.

Instead, I accepted her rejection in an indifferent way, which lets her know I am not the type to turn into a stalker or threaten to kill myself if things don't work out. It leaves the ball in her court, so to speak, and while I don't hold any hopes of hearing from her again, sometimes that last minute indifference can turn the tides.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Classic case of women who had been hurt in past relationships. I've been there twice in the past. One girl I saw for 3 dates that had a fiancee in prison, and another girl who's fiancee cheated on her.

Both of these girls showed EXTREME interest at first. In fact, I was kind of creeped out to be honest. They seemed to be incredibly emotionally dependent on me after the first time we had met. But I just played it cool because they seemed like cool girls and I was willing to look past that.

Then 2-4 weeks later.. Very little response, I ask them if "something is on your mind?" they say "no nothing just busy lately" very cold answers. I take the hint and stop contacting them.

Then these girls always call/text me up a month or two later when they're completely hammered. I usually just give them one word answers/cold replies to give them the hint back. They usually try to re-contact once every few months. Kind of pathetic if you ask me. I actually called the second girl out before and said "I'm not interested in seeing you after you didn't give me any reason whatsoever to not calling me back before. I thought we had something together, but apparently we don't. So don't talk to me." And she attempted to call me "crazy" and say it was my fault when I did nothing but show her a great time and affection.

These are obviously representations of an emotionally distraught person. Something's obviously up if they don't even give you a reason as to why they won't see you again because they don't want to hurt your feelings the same ways theirs were hurt. Chances are, they are into you and just don't want to be hurt again. If they didn't find you attractive, then following dates would not have occurred.. Neither would sex.

 

[perseverance]

Classic case of women who had been hurt in past relationships.

These people need to get over it and themselves, if that's the case.

"Don't ever suffer the next person in your life, the sins of the last."

Jariel believes he isn't much of a challenge! That maybe the case, in which case he can adjust accordingly, but if he is still being met with the same results than he has to accept that it isn't him, but his choice of women that's the problem.

 

[Aaron B]

Is it a case of being outcome dependent though? Which of course goes against most advice dished out on this forum.

its continuing to provide her with what she has shown she responds favorably to

in spite of the opinions of others, our own prejudices, her words, etc.

 

[floydb25]

Alex: Another good point. These girls come on with incredible zeal - then back away once they get too close. I've experienced it, too. They could also be unfamiliar with someone who shows interest and affection. They play the role of the pursuer - then don't know what to do once they catch someone. Abuse and neglect is love to them.

The warning signs are always there. Saying they're afraid of getting close, a history of bad relationships, trust issues, being burned by those they get close to, not having people care, etc. These are all red flags, but we tend to look at them as white knight enablers. Mistake.

 

[HariPoter13]

Maybe she had buyers remorse for having sex with you?

 

[JonJaper]

I think half of the dating issues on this site would be solved if prostitution was legalised in the United States and the United Kingdom. :crackup:

...well, there are ways around that too, like a ticket to Amsterdam LOL.

 

[Jariel]

I Can't Believe It's Happened Again!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's happened yet again, this time it has taken me completely by surprise. In fact, I was so surprised I thought she was joking when I first read the text.

We had 4 great dates and she seemed even more keen than any of the previous girls I've dated. She was a female AFC in many regards and kept telling me how gorgeous I am and whenever we were together she couldn't keep her hands off me. She seemed so sweet and a bit of a geek. She'd fumble around after I kissed her and excuse herself for getting nervous, but by the 3rd date she would keep kissing me all the time and was acting so enamoured on I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

I played this one so differently. I was much cooler with her than the other girls I've dated and I even held off sex. She was planning to come over to my place next week and she seemed so keen and kept mentioning it. I think we both knew the plan was to have sex, though she kept shying away from the subject.

In fact, one day I sent a text about wanting to do bad things with her and she got scared. She told me she was worried by that and wanted to know what I meant. I explain it was just a sexual innuendo and she apologised for overreacting. So maybe she got scared about the idea of sex.

But it was so out of the blue. We had a great date Tuesday and she was all over me again. She text me throughout the week saying she was looking forward to seeing me next and coming to my place, then all of a sudden Saturday morning she ends it and says she's not ready to date.

I'm not bitter or hurt about this because as I said, I felt she was coming on too strong and was having my own doubts, but once again I'm left wondering what I am doing wrong and why this keeps happening to me.