Feeling like a lost cause - another perfect date turned sour

[st_99]

While good advice, it's easier said than done.

True at first, but after a couple of bad experiences and more importantly after one big one, (very invested, extreme oneitis), you learn never to do that dumb sh*t again.

 

[floydb25]

Incidentally, another of my bad habits in terms of texts is that I keep reassuring these girls. Because I hate being left hanging and I hate aloof behaviour, I try to avoid doing it to them. I get sucked into the whole "she's really sweet and she is sooo into me" mindset. So when they express how much they like me, say how much they enjoyed our date or how excited they are to see me again, I tend to respond in a reassuring way. Whereas I really need to push that empathy aside, let them wonder about me, let them worry about where they stand and if they will see me again.

I've reached the point now where I'm getting real pissed off at the petty indecisiveness of women that I'm feeling a lot more comfortable acting cold with them and a lot less concerned about screwing with their heads.

This is a mistake I used to make, too. Remember: just because she is a certain way - doesn't mean she is attracted to what she herself is. This is different than like attracts like; jerks attract jerks. I'm talking about the basic principles of attraction. No matter who she is - she's going to respond to certain things.

So, she's a nice girl. That doesn't mean she doesn't want a challenge, doesn't like the chase or mystery, etc. All girls like this stuff. Her being a nice girl doesn't mean she is attracted to a nice guy. Why do you think they're always complaining about jerks? Because its what they're attracted to (their traits, at least).

It goes right back to being a good guy with jerk-like traits. You don't have to be mean, closed off, abusive, mess with anyone's head, etc, but you also don't have to always be available, reassure them, etc, either.

I think sometimes we try to PROVE just how genuine, nice, sincere, and trustworthy we are, and take it way overboard. This is especially true if they've been hurt, and we don't want to be just another jerk. But, going to the opposite extreme is no more effective. The more we try to prove we want a relationship - the less they want one. It's just not attractive to have someone want a relationship right away.

Relationships are supposed to flow naturally. It's something that just happens. Every time I was over-eager, desperate, pushy, and tried proving how great and different and long-term minded I was - the less success I had. But, when I didn't really care and just let things happen - the more successful I was.

It's really just going against the way things are supposed to work that causes problems. A common mistake is trying to bypass the dating stage. Can't do it. That's when the sparks, passion, excitement, anticipation, mystery, and attraction is on high. You're supposed to present a challenge, keep things light, make your time scarce, etc during this time. Things go in order for a reason.

Women are very intuitive, also. You don't have to spend all your time convincing them that you're relationship material. This is just an indirect way of seeking their approval. You wouldn't be acting this way if you didn't want a relationship. They know this. That's why they don't want one - because there's no challenge; nothing to prove; no standards to live up to.

You have to make yourself the prize, and make them want a relationship with YOU. Prove their worth to you. Chase after you. Live up to your standards. I suspect you're giving off the opposite vibes; they know you like them, and they are deciding if you are good enough for them. It's too easy.

The most important thing is to get the relationship mindset out of your head. Just go out to have fun and date with no expectations. When you think this way - it shows in your actions, and automatically makes you more attractive. That's when they want a relationship with you - when you aren't trying so hard. It's not really a game - you just couldn't care less if they want you or not. That's when they want you the most; that's how attraction works.

I must also reiterate: do NOT give them what they think they want. If she seems bothered by your lack of interest - do NOT come out and say you're crazy about her. It just isn't effective in the early dating stages. They think they want to know, because it bothers them. But once they actually find out, they're no longer intrigued by it. Nothing more to figure out. Too easy.

Bottom line: everything you think is right is wrong.

 

[Jitterbug]

Ah men, the true romantics.

Jariel, take a look at chick flicks or some other entertainment that chicks consume. They don't have any sustained interest in even the fictional Mr Happily Ever After Cuddle B1tch, I mean, Teddy Bear. OTOH, they can't get enough of Mr "we're so right for each other but we can't be together" and the endless breakup-then-makeup plot. Yes your good girls watch that crap too. Such entertainment is like fast foods for the brain, and you know what fast foods do to the body.

You, Jariel, have been unwittingly cast as Mr Right-but-not-Right-Now (a chick's favourite) in the latest episode of those women's lives to give them their drama fix. Do you have any idea how much value you've given them in the form of girl talk among their hen group? I reckon you should charge a high hourly rate.

Take it easy, mate. You're beating yourself up over nothing. Try to see the amusing side of it.