Been balling my eyes out the last few hours..

[JCballin88]

Up until about the 1970's "Balling" was slang for having sex. Check out the 1st Rocky movie when Paulie asks Rocky..."Have you been balling my sister ?"

LMAO...not to hijack the thread but I've always wondered why my dad almost keels over when I come home saying I was just out "ballin" (as in basketball).

 

[DonGorgon]

its over... its been over.. so start dealing with it... women move on months before they let you know so that you cant beat them to it..lol... you think everything is fine and they have stopped liking you thats life

 

[.Paradox.]

There's really no point in analyzing anything that she said, Jhcl. It all comes down to one thing - she doesn't like you enough to want a relationship with you. This is a hard truth to accept, but it is truth.

I picked up a couple things from your post though..

1.) She's contradicting herself. Saying she isn't in love with you, telling you her feelings for you aren't there, then telling you that if she was 10 years younger you all could be together. I don't get it. If you all could be together if she was 10 years younger, why can't you all be together now? If she could be in love with you 10 years ago, why can't she be in love with you now?

Which leads me to..

2.) The part about daddy issues and bad past relationships. In my honest opinion, this is the MAIN reason why she doesn't want to be with you. Actually, it's not even that she doesnt want to be with you, it's just that she needs a guy who is abusive and f*cked up for her to really catch feelings/fall in love. She needs a guy like her father. She needs a guy she can "fix." She needs the relationship to be unhealthy so she can fall in love.

Any normal girl, without daddy issues and extreme baggage, would be head-over-heels for you right now like you are for this woman. I'm sorry, bro. You did nothing wrong. Sh*t, you probably did everything right, but she needs drama to feel those "in love" emotions. She needs extreme push/pull. And just like you wouldn't be comfortable being abusive to her, she isn't comfortable with you being so normal (and by normal I just mean not f*cked up).

The fact that she wants to keep you around reinforces my belief that you did nothing wrong. She thinks that you're fun to hang out and do things with, and that you're good in bed - that's why she didn't break-up with you completely and still wants to see you. You have to realize that all you two are/will be is friends with benefits. Friends with benefits until she finds a guy who will abuse her and give her the drama she needs to feel "in love."

Go ahead man.. Do what you want to do... When she contacts you to check up on you, tell her that you've had some time to think and settle down, and that you'd like to keep seeing her. Just remember what YOU ARE to her. But hey, look at the bright side. If you can take some of your emotions out of this, then you can have your cake and eat it too! You can see her AND other girls! Haha!

 

[Powerofmindset]

The conversation should've gone like this:

Her: I don't know how to say this...
Me: Just say it.
Her: I'm afraid that I'm going to break your heart.. I've been wanting to talk to you for a couple weeks now.....
Me: Wait a minute. You don't have to continue with this.
Her: But...
Me: No it's cool. I get it. I know what you are about to say. We don't have to have this conversation.
Her: But...
Me: No don't worry about it. It's all good.

Stand up, smile, kiss her on the forehead, and walk out. "See you around!"

The aftermath should go like this:

- No matter how much pain you are in DO NOT SHOW IT to her.
- Take that pain and use it to build an impenetrable wall around your heart. Promise yourself that you will never let a woman hurt you like this again.
- No contact by you at all. NONE!
- No dwelling on the past. NONE!
- Get yourself back out there NOW! No sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Not for one fcuking second! Get back on the horse and start meeting and dating NEW women immediately! Date as many as you can. THIS is how you heal!
- When your ex contacts you again, (notice I didn't say "if") you must be cool and collected. You must also be far too busy to talk to her. A quick hello and how's it going and then sorry but we're gonna have to catch up later because I have to go meet someone.
- The next time she contacts you, much of the same.
- When you finally do have a conversation with her you must be completely cool and "over it". She needs to realize that you are completely unfazed and happy. If she asks feel free to reveal that you have been dating. Only if she asks.
- At some point she will attempt to get nostalgic about your relationship. She will try to suck you into showing your emotions and reveal you still have feelings. Do not bite. Tell her things happen for a reason and you are ok with it. End this conversation if it goes down this road.
- Eventually your ex will learn that you have been seeing other women and will feel unsure about her decision to break up with you. She may show up at your door in the middle of the night begging to have you back. She may just stick to her guns and move on. THIS IS THE TURNING POINT. Whatever happens you CANNOT give her the opportunity to hurt you again. If she is wanting you back and you want to fcuk her again fine. However under no circumstances must she EVER feel as though she "has" you back. Reveal nothing of your feelings for her. She must be made to feel uncertain about your relationship going forward. When she whines or cries about this remember the pain you felt when she broke your heart. She deserves no sympathy at this point. Give her nothing!
- At some point she may go absolutely bat-sh!t hysterical on you because of your lack of emotion towards her and your relationship. This is the point where you decide whether you want to continue with her or not. It is up to you. If you decide to continue then the door to your heart can open just a crack at this point. The road back to where you trust her with it again should be LONG and cautious.
- Whether it is her or some other girl always maintain the ability to walk away at any given moment. She needs to know it too. Never place your happiness or well being in a woman's hands again. You make YOURSELF complete. You make HER complete. Nothing else.
- Love and relationships can be tough. To be good at it you must be able to access that cold, hard, tough, side of yourself at a moments notice. She needs to know you will slam the door to your heart shut the instant she fvcks up. The threat of you being "gone" should always be there. If she decides to leave then your attitude must be "Good riddance".



There you have it. 20 years of relationship break-up advice. Take what you can and apply it to your FUTURE relationships. This one is over.

The moment you have "the talk" any chance of the relationship working out is gone. You may get back together again but it will never work in the long run. You've played your cards and there's no turning back.

Good luck.

Read what he wrote and learn from this. This is great advice/information.

 

[Zarky]

It seems that the OP had "hand" (in the Jerry Seinfeld way) but lost it somehow. Probably through a series of missteps.

Of course if you ask me his main problem is that he wasn't out boning other broads. But then again that's pretty much the answer to every guy's problem here. If he'd been boning another chick, she'd still be around.

 

[AlexDP]

There's really no point in analyzing anything that she said, Jhcl. It all comes down to one thing - she doesn't like you enough to want a relationship with you. This is a hard truth to accept, but it is truth.

I picked up a couple things from your post though..

1.) She's contradicting herself. Saying she isn't in love with you, telling you her feelings for you aren't there, then telling you that if she was 10 years younger you all could be together. I don't get it. If you all could be together if she was 10 years younger, why can't you all be together now? If she could be in love with you 10 years ago, why can't she be in love with you now?

Which leads me to..

2.) The part about daddy issues and bad past relationships. In my honest opinion, this is the MAIN reason why she doesn't want to be with you. Actually, it's not even that she doesnt want to be with you, it's just that she needs a guy who is abusive and f*cked up for her to really catch feelings/fall in love. She needs a guy like her father. She needs a guy she can "fix." She needs the relationship to be unhealthy so she can fall in love.

Any normal girl, without daddy issues and extreme baggage, would be head-over-heels for you right now like you are for this woman. I'm sorry, bro. You did nothing wrong. Sh*t, you probably did everything right, but she needs drama to feel those "in love" emotions. She needs extreme push/pull. And just like you wouldn't be comfortable being abusive to her, she isn't comfortable with you being so normal (and by normal I just mean not f*cked up).

The fact that she wants to keep you around reinforces my belief that you did nothing wrong. She thinks that you're fun to hang out and do things with, and that you're good in bed - that's why she didn't break-up with you completely and still wants to see you. You have to realize that all you two are/will be is friends with benefits. Friends with benefits until she finds a guy who will abuse her and give her the drama she needs to feel "in love."

Go ahead man.. Do what you want to do... When she contacts you to check up on you, tell her that you've had some time to think and settle down, and that you'd like to keep seeing her. Just remember what YOU ARE to her. But hey, look at the bright side. If you can take some of your emotions out of this, then you can have your cake and eat it too! You can see her AND other girls! Haha!

The bolded part goes the other way too. He wants someone he can fix. He's not in love with this woman. He needs this woman because he wants to fix someone. He's codependent and mistaking pain for love. He'll see.

THE PAIN HE IS IN, IS THE OP'S OWN DAMN FAULT AND HE CAN FIX IT.

 

[Korrupt]

THE PAIN HE IS IN, IS THE OP'S OWN DAMN FAULT AND HE CAN FIX IT.

Byyyyy?

 

[nismo-4]

Byyyyy?

Moving the hell on and spinning more damn plates! If he were spinning more plates (and he isn't beyond a reasonable doubt) he would've long moved on! But that's not the case here.

Read what DonGorgon said and stop crying over spilled milk. The quicker you move on, the more you'll forget about this girl.

I should've thrown the book at the OP, but I see that it is being thrown at him piece by piece.

Thank you OP for this long-ass thread, but your princess is in another castle!

Close this thread.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

When she became emotional and ended it instead of crying you should have walked away snickering.

 

[floydb25]

The bolded part goes the other way too. He wants someone he can fix. He's not in love with this woman. He needs this woman because he wants to fix someone. He's codependent and mistaking pain for love. He'll see.

THE PAIN HE IS IN, IS THE OP'S OWN DAMN FAULT AND HE CAN FIX IT.

I really like this post... Something I bring up a lot, as well. These guys are usually no better than the girls they chase after - because they do the exact same thing!

For instance, the guy complains about the girl, who in turn is complaining about her boyfriend: treating her like ****, using her for sex, etc... When, the guy complaining is doing the same thing with HER. She's treating him like ****, using him for sex, and he's trying to save her. Everyone caught up in this vicious cycle is doing the exact same thing: chasing after a bad person, getting treated poorly, tolerating it, and trying to change them - only to complain and cry and become bitter when it doesn't work.

The first place to look is always inward, which is why I never give sympathy anymore. There's no such thing as a victim. Yeah, this or that other girl is a *****, hypocrite, liar, slut, etc, but you're the one chasing after her, sticking with her, and complaining about her the whole time. You KNOW she has issues, but make up excuses for her. What does that say about you, and your standards / selections?

 

[floydb25]

Thank you OP for this long-ass thread, but your princess is in another castle!

Man, I need to use that line from now on, whenever giving advice. Brilliant.

 

[Iceberg]

its over... its been over.. so start dealing with it... women move on months before they let you know so that you cant beat them to it..lol... you think everything is fine and they have stopped liking you thats life

I like what you said there:

A woman moves on months before she actually pulls the trigger on a breakup.

I'm going to use that in future advice. That way, these guys understand that there's no way of fixing these broken relationships.

 

[Jhcl4000]

The bolded part goes the other way too. He wants someone he can fix. He's not in love with this woman. He needs this woman because he wants to fix someone. He's codependent and mistaking pain for love. He'll see.

THE PAIN HE IS IN, IS THE OP'S OWN DAMN FAULT AND HE CAN FIX IT.

I actually read up a bit on codependency, and one line really struck home.. Something about when a codependents partner is no longer needy (when an alcoholic or drug user recovers), they feel like they have nothing to offer their partner. Sounds just like my situation.

-She's codependent
-I don't need fixing
-She feels like she has nothing to offer me, thus, in her mind, the relationship will not work
-She subconsciously needs and will seek out someone who does need fixing

Also, this may or may not be true for me subconsciously, but I will admit that I DID notice myself *sometimes* becoming slightly less interested when I saw her more often, and more interested - even obsessed - when a week had gone by without us seeing each other, I'd hit her up, and she'd blow me off or would be acting difficult.

All I can say is that out of all the girls I've dated, she seemed to be the most normal. She wasn't overly needy/clingy, she told me about the problems in her life/her dramas (with friends and family) but it wasn't overwhelming or anything, she was always upfront and honest with me (as I was with her), and we always had a great time together, whether it was going out or just staying in and watching a movie.

 

[JonJaper]

I actually read up a bit on codependency, and one line really struck home.. Something about when a codependents partner is no longer needy (when an alcoholic or drug user recovers), they feel like they have nothing to offer their partner. Sounds just like my situation.

-She's codependent
-I don't need fixing
-She feels like she has nothing to offer me, thus, in her mind, the relationship will not work
-She subconsciously needs and will seek out someone who does need fixing

Also, this may or may not be true for me subconsciously, but I will admit that I DID notice myself *sometimes* becoming slightly less interested when I saw her more often, and more interested - even obsessed - when a week had gone by without us seeing each other, I'd hit her up, and she'd blow me off or would be acting difficult.

All I can say is that out of all the girls I've dated, she seemed to be the most normal. She wasn't overly needy/clingy, she told me about the problems in her life/her dramas (with friends and family) but it wasn't overwhelming or anything, she was always upfront and honest with me (as I was with her), and we always had a great time together, whether it was going out or just staying in and watching a movie.

Cool story bro.

NOW MOVE THE F*CK ON.

 

[rhcp83]

As a technical virgin (I've done everything else besides intercourse) is penetration THIS good that a guy would get his feelings in deep with a low quality crazy woman like that?

 

[floydb25]

As a technical virgin (I've done everything else besides intercourse) is penetration THIS good that a guy would get his feelings in deep with a low quality crazy woman like that?

Not really... It's usually not just the sex, but the crazy emotions. It makes you not think properly when you're already attached, or in pursuit mode. That's why I am against getting attached too soon. It's the challenge and unpredictability that gets some people involved in this mess. Or, sympathizing with them, and trying to save them.

 

[JonJaper]

As a technical virgin (I've done everything else besides intercourse) is penetration THIS good that a guy would get his feelings in deep with a low quality crazy woman like that?

LOL nope it isn't. Not even penetration with HB10 hookers that look like supermodels and f*ck like pornstars would be worth a oneitis with a bat$hit nutjob woman.

 

[floydb25]

Well, BJ's are the best, so I'd say no. But I did lose my virginity and get oneitis for a low quality bat$hit crazy woman. Sucked haha but she was so aggressive she FORCED my AFC self to get laid. I was actually really confident and outgoing at that time though, I must say.

They almost always are very aggressive and forward. You find out down the line that they are this way with EVERYTHING. Demanding, bossy, pushy, rude, etc. It's part of who they are.

I think they specifically target nice guys, because they give multiple chances, excuse their poor behaviors, sympathize with them, allow themselves to be pushed around, and so forth. No one else will put up with their bull****, and they're generally hated by everyone. They're bullies, really.

 

[floydb25]

Direct quote from the girl I'm referring to: "I date nice guys because they won't cheat on me."

This girl is the biggest skank known to man too, would call me up when she was with other guys she was about to f***, etc etc. They can dish it but are too fragile to take it. Bullies, like you said. I did get her good a couple times, once with a hottie right in front of her and she completely lost it. The next time I turned down sex, psychoanalyzed her and told her she was an addict that needed therapy.

I heard the same thing, man. From the same kind of women... Constantly.

One thing I learned is that, just because these girls complain about *******s, and are looking for a nice guy - doesn't mean THEY are going to be decent back. They just want a doormat / slave, while doing whatever they want. Being fair is in the least of their interests. They just want to make sure that THEY don't get hurt, arent controlled, abused, etc. They accomplish this by doing all the controlling, abusing, manipulating, etc. They don't care - as long as they get their way, and no one goes against them. This is how they "protect" themselves - by hurting everyone else. Ergo, this is a jerk - not a victim.

In fact, they take the lessons learned from their previous abusive relationships, and use those same tactics on those who used to be in their shoes. Bullies who were once bullied. It's how they operate. The nice guy doesn't see it coming, and they know this. Bad people are not stupid - they just play the innocent victim role, and the nice guy falls for it... And its hell from there.

This is why I always tell people not to date girls with issues like this. The damage is already done. What you see is what you get. The only one suffering as a result will be you. It's not a joke, a challenge, or a game. These are deep-seeded psychological issues well beyond your control. Bad will always be bad. Bad is chaos, trouble, and heart-break. It's not misunderstood, afraid, confused, or good in hiding.

 

[rhcp83]

There was actually a movie about this starring Rachel Weisz called The Shape Of Things.

She goes to an art gallery to graffiti this piece of art that she doesn't like, and hits on this fat nerdy guy (played by Paul Rudd) and tells him "You're cute, I don't like your glasses though."

Anyway, next thing you know, she's turning him into this complete narcissistic douche because he's a slave for her love and pvssy. He starts wearing trendy clothes, fake tan etc, loses weight (but for the wrong reasons) even gets a nose job when she threatens to break up with him if he doesn't.

Turns out, the whole thing was just her final art project for school. She never liked him all along, never was the least bit attracted to him, but changed him to prove how vulnerable people are to give into temptation and also how their personalities change for the worse when their appearance changes for the better and how to society he's a "better person" because he looks that way.