4.5 Yrs down the toilet....

NewMan

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I've been reading the Don Juan emails for about a year now. Going on with my life, living with my girlfriend.

Sure, we had problems, and worked through them - but the last 6 months found us pulling away from each other - Sex was less and less - in the end perhaps once every 2 weeks.

Then there was a girl friend of her's at work. She was married to a man 14 yrs older than her - who never wanted to go out. My GF got some work advice from her (regarding a new job) and they ended up being friends. Then things started going down hill - whether this woman had anything to do with it I don't know. But my GF told me that one of her friends suggested that we break up - distance got greater between us..... then we were out with some friends from my work, at a local bar, and my girlfriend said she wanted to go home - she was tired. Not one hour later I get a call - she's at a bar with her new GF.....

One week later, sitting in her car riding home from work she tells me we should break up. That she's not feeling the same about me in her heart. That she loves me, but that she needs to find herself. I agreed, I was not getting what I wanted at home...... and left the following day.

It's a month later. I went through 2 weeks of shear hell - finding a place to live, getting my new apartment set up (I had nothing in the way of furniture) - and calling her - telling her I love her - that I want to work things out. I was going crazy. Mad. I needed her back in my life. I couldn't go on without her.

Week 3 came around, and thanks to friends I finally got some smarts back in my life. I stopped calling her, emailing her. I could think logically.

She started a new job Monday (remember her new GF helped her) - and she sent me an email - saying Hi, and giving me her new #. I sent her flowers - not because I wanted to let her know I love her, but because I wanted her to have something special on her first day - I still love her of course. She called me, wanted to know how I was.... I of course told her things were great. Eveerything was going well - that I was happy for her ans wanted her to have flowers on her first day.

I don't know what to do. I love her, would like to work things out. I've learned a lot I feel - saw that I didn't give her enough things to look forward to in our relationship - no goals, no future (I was the I'm not getting married kind of guys) - but now I realize what I lost. I want her back.

I'm leaving her well alone - hoping that giving her space will make her see - or make her figure things out.

I have a date tomorrow night as well - I'm determined not to sulk around.

I read some of your guys post's today for the first time. You guys rock. Your advice is solid. I'd like to know your opimions - perhaps you've gone through similar? Any thing you can suggest? Ideas? or just general thoughts on my post.

Thanks!!!!!
 

Legend

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hey man,

I feel your pain about breaking up after such a long time....geez....

YOu know what....keep doing your own thing and try not to let her get to you. I would'nt get back together with her right away, even if she wants too. Tell her you think she needs more time to "find herself" if she wants to get back together. I'm glad you two ended the relationship on good terms and still talk somewhat.

The odds are she probably will want you back considering girls get use to things...she is use to you. Dont contact her...let her contact you. Remember...shes the one that needed the break, not you. I would act like i'm having the time of my life without her.

Good luck man

-John
 

JustDoItAlways

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Back Legend's advice here.

She needs to come back to you. You cannot reel her back in.
 

Starman

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Yes, girlfriends tend to talk with one another alot about guys..but if anything I think your ex wanted to break it off with you(like you said) and her friend only helped to motivate and convince her.

This sounds like the movie "Swingers", go watch it over and over until your eyes bleed

and the final thing I could say is yes Ive been in this situation..and what Ive learned is..that the more you want her..and try to show her you want her back...The less she will want you..

Then when you STOP wanting her..she comes back crawling..thats the law of the land my friend..
 

BobbDobbs

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Yeah it is tough. You'll feel like crap off and on for a while. Don't think you can get over it in a couple weeks. But you will get over it in a year or less. The intensity declines with time.

Best to get out there again. There's nothing like a new woman to erase thoughts of the old one.

Oh, and since she is the one that walked away, there isn't anything you can prove to her to get her back. It wasn't her gf who talked her into leaving, it was just her gf as a sounding board to talk herself into leaving.

If she changes her mind she might come back. But you really shouldn't wait around for that. She had her chance and she blew it.
 

NewMan

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I hear you

Thanks for the advice.

It's good to know I'm not alone.....

I hope that this board and your help will get me back on the wagon so to speak.

Should I call her once a week? send her an email? Or should I let her know I'd like to try and work things out. Or should I cut all contact?
 

bugsquish

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:(

I broke up with my ex of 4 years over a year ago. I still see her regularly and I still love her like no other. She knows this. She has made it absolutely clear that it's over between us. I have a new girlfriend and she's just as cute, so I'm getting on with my life all the same.

I can't help feeling having my ex around is affecting my happiness, but I can't quite bring myself to kick her out of my life. I'm fine unless she gets involved with another guy.....

If you don't get back together with this chick take my advice. Cut off contact. Completely. If you get established as friends then you'll be in the same state a year from now and you wont have the heart to tell her to fuxk off after being "friends" for so long.

As I said, :(. You brought all the memories back...
 

Starman

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Dude I was in your shoes a few times..and calling or keeping contact only prolongs the pain..AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO..think with your head

Telling her you'de like to work things out will push her even FURTHER ..because she knows she has you by the balls and kissing her ass isnt going to make you more attractive..

Just take a time out from her man..do some things you enjoy..and throw away all the crap that reminds you of her (Believe me this will HELP!), and cut contact if you can..

Just dont try to look pathetic!
 

Royal-tiger

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We are with you!

Starman is right on! The feeling of pain is very natural. It has been amplified by the fact that she dumped you. But you hold the ultimate power! The most common mistake people make is to pursue further the individual who is pulling away (with the hope of getting him/her back). Absolute blunder!!

No matter how much it hurts, do your thing as if you are having fun or going on with your life unscathed. Do not call or contact her. You hold the power. If my experience is a teacher, she will notice your independence and feel jealous about it. You will hear from her. Maybe her trying to be in contact with you is a gesture to keep the lines open. However, your coming across as needy is only bolstering her control over you. Please take it back by cutting her loose.

Women particularly don't want/like rejection. Period! Don't we already know that as the basic of bible?

Good luck and be strong!
 

NewMan

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Jeezzz

I know you are all right - and I will cut it off. She still has some of my stuff at her house, but I've not called her in 2 weeks, because I want her to she what it's like without me.

She called me yesterday - asking how I was - I gave her the "Everything is going great" speach.

The more time passes, the more I feel it's over for good. I'm for sure not going to be a chump and keep calling her. I got her in the first place buy pulling away from her.....

The chick was just so damn hot though - one of those that has a body to die for - she had the whole package - everything nice and tight. She'd drive me and my firends to the bar, pick us back up in the night... We'd have sex in wild and wacky places - I'd tie her up.... it was crazy..... and I miss that sh#t so much....

I feel stupid - 32 and I'm know sitting in a studio apartment licking my wounds over a chick....

Will there ever be something so good again?

By the way, I've a date tomorrow with a 23 yr. old......

The frist time in almost 5 yrs going on a date... I don't want to really, but I'm forcing myself back out there.
 

Starman

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heh dont sweat your age man..what you are going through is normal..especially for the guy

"ohh she was so hot!! " - yea so are a million other chicks

"Will I ever meet someone else again??"
Look back to your dating life..how many have you met that you thought were sooo special??

what else would you be licking your wounds over? this kinda stuff happens to everyone man..wounds heal..

she will miss you..and try to make contact..but you have to be a man..and dont get pulled back in..the hardest part is the "Denial" phase..

trying to finally get it in your head that its "over"..you will think of every way to win her back..you will go to bed thinking of her..wake up thinking of her..

then one day..it will be gone..you will wake up scratching your nuts and not even think of her
 

NewMan

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So in the meantime....

In the meantime I just go on with life?

After 4 yrs we have similar scial circles - mutual friends etc - How do I deal with th eeventual - "She's got another guy" situation. Thats going to be tough.

I'm reading the bible right now... trying to get some information into my head.

As for how many women have I felt this for - just 1, her. All my other relationships have not lasted past 2 months tops. I USED to be so in control, never getting upset about a lost love.... But I swear this girl just wowed me.

I'll take your advice - scratch my balls every morning, and maybe I'll forget about her
 

Starman

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New Man..Im a Psych IRL..I dont know if these techniques will work for you..but

Getting past the "other guy" hurdle .. is a self esteem issue..men have this competitive thing..where it KILLS them to be overtaken by another guy..so this will obviously cause you much grief..

the best thing I can say is do whatever you can to stay out of her life..her social circle..and read up on some books about this topic of jealousy/breaking up..

it makes things alot easier..if you want PM me and I'll recommend some great books to you..
 

Slickster

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The only advice you'll ever get around here for getting the ex back. Most guys will say suck it up and move on buddy which is what you'll probably end up doing anyway.

But anyway you have a small window so try this.

1. Cut off contact. She must come to you.

2. Don't let her know you're hurt. YOu are happy go lucky.

3. Get some new clothes new look

4. Date other chicks *(preferably her friends or someone she knows) try and make her jealous.

5. Don't talk about your relationship with her.

6. No physical contact if you see her. NONE.

7. Give her ALL the space she needs.


All of this will be extremely hard for you and won't do a damn thing for you as far as moving on. Sometimes you'll give her a jolt of reality that will make her second guess her decision before any damage is done. However she needs space to experience some things without you around. Even if she does come back you still have the same problem. A relationship in trouble. The above tips may help but probably not. But we all know that at times its impossible not to bang your head on the wall.

Feel for you bro. Good luck
 

NewMan

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Should I......?

Ok - Thanks SLickster....

Question.

I'm going on a date tomorrow night - it happens thaty the girl lives in her town (where I used to live) about 30 minutes away.

Since I've still got my Bike and a couple bottles of good scotch still at her house (I'm glad I didn't bring it with me, I would probably be drunk every night) - I was thinking of calling her tomorrow AM - telling her I'll be in the area in the evening and can I pick up my stuff?

Then, that evening, I'd call her from the Pool hall (lots of noise) and tell her I will not be able to make it.... I'm busy...

Or is this just a chump move? Should I just say Fvck it?

Advice - anybody...?
 

sunnyside

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It is quite obvious that this plan is intended for her to be jealous which results in you trying to win her back... stop man... forget her.
 

Starman

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New Man..is your stuff over there really that important to you? or do you just wanna see her one last time? Be truthful..

Slikkers advice is good..but not for a 4.5 year relationship...the only time this chick will come crawling back to you is when she sees how you have moved on and how sh1tty her life has been...

but then..would you want her back??
 

NewMan

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well....

Yes, my stuff would be nice. I've a brand new Cannodale mountain bike - and a couple bottles of good scotch - 18 year old. worth a couple hundered dollars all told. I also have a fridge there in the garage - plus some gifts my mother gave me (I live in a different country than my family).

would I want her back? I try - right now I've out of the dating area, I don't even know where to go, what to do (I'm at this site to start)

You guys are right though - I'd just be trying to make her jealous... I should probably concentrate on myself.....
 

Starman

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Its a great feeling to try and pry into her life..knowing she will throw you bits and morsels to make you feel good about yourself..its a momentary high (like Heroine) and will have you crashing down later...

OK Go get your stuff..but do this..plan an event that you HAVE to go to with your friends/family /whatever..then go there like 1 hr before the planned event and pick up yer stuff..

that way you will have things to do..and wont expect a "Im LEAVINg nOW!! for good!! Bye!! Ok Im going now!!" scenario..

and she will be devilishly curious why you didnt care to stick around while she watched you suffer

YOU got a life! get your stuff! Get OUT!
 

NewMan

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Where were you all....

Fvck - where were you guys like 5 yrs ago?

Man your advice is solid - If I had been on this site a month ago (when we broke up) things would probably be different now.

I'm not going to pick up my stuff quite yet - I'm going on the date and having fun.

I'm tqaking you guys advice and going to live it up.

I'll wait for her to pick up the phone - and by that time I may not be available....
 
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