4.5 Yrs down the toilet....

[NewMan]

The problem...

dionysius_d - you are right - not my whole life is down the toilet, but the relationship is. She opened my eyes to some wonderful things - Like 100% trust - to trust someone with everything. She showed my how to live and enjoy and not be so conservative in what I do.

BrWnSugaMan - What went wrong? Well being brutally honest.... I didn't want to marry her in the state of our current relationship. It was awesome to start - perfect. We were so into each other (as most relationships start out that way) - but then things started going wrong, at about the time I moved in with her. She smokes MJ - so that didn't help. Almost every night she would do it - and end up crashing on the sofa at 9:30 - 10:30. We couldn't watch a movie together because 30 minutes into it she would fall asleep. I started to become distant, our sex life went from 4 times plus a week to perhaps once a week. I pulled further away. I approached her on the smoking, she told me I was controlling her. She wanted to move on with our relationship (E.g. Buy furniture together, save together, plan for the future) but I really wasn't into it - Our sex life was terrible, and she was smoking more and more. I started getting jealous - jealous of her. You have to understand that we had a very honest relationship. We told each other of our pasts... So when she would relate me stories of her past experiences - I would get upset (inside) because our relationship has turned into this Fvcked up situation, where we can't do anything, even go away for weekends without MJ being involved.

Then she hit 30. Her sister got engaged, 2 of her friends got married within 6 months - and we are still in the same place after 4.5 yrs. No plans for the future, no goals no marrage.

Her new GF shows up - (And she doesn;t have a great marrage by the way - because now states that MJ has saved her marrage). So my Ex tells me she needs time to figure things out. That she can't give me what I'm giving her.

You have to understand, that I even tried to ride this wave. I even tried the smoking MJ. I'm not against it, but when it all of the time - thats a problem. Add to the fact that there is very little love in her family, her parents are divorced and her mother is an alcoholic..... well there were so many problems...


And yet, even having said all of that, there is something that is so energetic with having a GF that is so open. That will take you to a strip club. That will party down with you. That will have sex in some crazy ass location (in the early days)..... It's tough for me to walk away from probably the most exciting woman I may ever meet.......

I was jealous of her. Jealous of the fact that she was so fun. Jealous of the fact that people loved to be around her energy. That she was so damn fine. Jealous that she always looked good - always took care fo herself. Her energy was just so dynamic and addicting.....

Having said all of that, it still boils down to that fact that there were issues. Things were not happening. I know this is the right move - for me and her. But to be honest with you all I am a little scared right now. Scared that I'll end up like all the other shmucks, with their Ford Taurus, or mini van, 2.2 kids in a boring surburbea house. It's tough - I'm not sure I can replace her with someone I feel as strongly attracted to (because she is the exact opposite of me) - and I keep thinking that there are a million guys out there that could probably make her happy. Not a DJ way to think for sure - but that is what runs through my mind.

NewMan out.

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

There is always two sides to the story!

If that's how you feel then you will never get her back.

It's who you have in your life that enhances you not what you have. You will understand someday where she's coming from.

 

[NewMan]

???

What do you mean Eyecandie?

Are you saying that she is the way she is because I was in her life? Or some other influence?

I will understand where she is coming from? You mean smoking MJ? Or wanting marrage?

For sure, afterwards I can see that there needs to be goals - needs to be a planned future - my fault. I've talked to her, but she's happy where she is now - or so it seems. She's so Fvcking strong, it makes me crazy.

Needless to say, I have not called her in a couple of weeks, although she has emailed me twice. All small stuff. E.g. she gave me her new work phone #. Then she emailed me telling me that she found an orange on a tree that we had at the house (my favorite tree). I'm not sure why she's telling me this? perhaps to be nice?

 

[Starman]

Helllo Newman!

hey man! I didnt know about the pot thing..Good Riddance dude!! smoking pot at 30 years old??

She is acting like she is some Highschool freshman! she sounds very immature .. your relationship was unproductive..she wasnt unproductive and unable to get past her high school party girl phase..and she was bringing you down with her (despite the illusion that since she made you happy! everything was hunky dory!)

She lost a great guy..let her go relive her youth with her other pot smoking, giggly friends..trust me..she will NEVER find another guy like you


EDIT:

She is telling you all that to remind you of the good times..forget the bad times..so that it will make it harder for you to forget her and move on.

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

Re: ???

Originally posted by NewMan
What do you mean Eyecandie?

Are you saying that she is the way she is because I was in her life? Or some other influence?

I will understand where she is coming from? You mean smoking MJ? Or wanting marrage?

For sure, afterwards I can see that there needs to be goals - needs to be a planned future - my fault. I've talked to her, but she's happy where she is now - or so it seems. She's so Fvcking strong, it makes me crazy.

Needless to say, I have not called her in a couple of weeks, although she has emailed me twice. All small stuff. E.g. she gave me her new work phone #. Then she emailed me telling me that she found an orange on a tree that we had at the house (my favorite tree). I'm not sure why she's telling me this? perhaps to be nice?

What I meant by "you will understand later" is that she needs some sponk in her life. Something new, and exciting. It doesn't have to be a new man. Most women think like that. Under no circumstances am I stated that she perfect, she far from it like any human. But you have to understand the situation to understand her "needs".

Things become very boring when you do the same thing day in/ day out till someone explode because they can't take it anymore.


My question to you is this: Is she the same person you met?

If so then you should not "hope" that she gives up any habit you met her with.

If no, then you will have to get over her because you two are not capable of building a relationship together.

So whether she smokes or any other minor "perfect imperfections" she may have, if her pros outweighs her cons then you will have to supply that which is needed in her life if you want her in your life, period.

 

[NewMan]

Damn...

Eyecandie - talking of hitting the nail on the head.....

Well, she's certainly not the same person that I originally meet.

There was no falling asleep at 9 - 10pm on the sofa, and me carrying her to bed - 4 - 5 times a week. she would drive down to my apartment at midnight - and sneak into bed with me when I was sleeping. She totally changed. She changed from a woman - who was sexual, to one that was pretty much non sexual - unless I made it happen.

Yes, you are right, the realtionship need to be exciting. But even when it was - even as I planned trips to Vegas for her 30th - making sure all her friends turned up as a surprise - or booking a room in a hotel in the middle of the week, just because - Or driving around the wine country - it still didn't seem good enough. The p#t was still involved - where as before we would have had fun together. Again, I'm not against it - but there's got to be a limit. Got to be a point where someone says enough. I enrolled us both in a gym - I enrolled us both in Tennis lessons. I wanted to take dancing lessons with her. But did it make a difference? no. It seemed like she didn't want to put the effort forward to make it work and change the way things were.

Again it's tough - because we love each other a lot.

It's funny, since we''ve broken up, she recently called me and said that she doesn't even know where the P#t is in her house. She's been drinking and having fun with her GF's. Ironic really.

 

[Starman]

haha she doesnt know where the pot is my ass..she was probably rolling a blunt while telling you that.

Pot decreases Sexual Libido..she is just trying to make you jealous by saying "she's changed" and that she is "living it up!" with her friends..

YOU should do the same

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

She is throwing a lot of her "fun" in your face like she's telling you that you can't mount to that magnitude of excitement. I would not be able to deal with it.

My advice is to cut talking to her about her new "life". Your just feeding the fuel to the fire in your heart dealing with an inflexible female.

Tell me if I'm wrong: you stated that she was very attractive. Do you think that's the reason why you can't let her go because you feel that other women won't mount to her?

 

[NewMan]

part of the reason.

Yes, thats part of the reason.

She's hot. I mean just drop dead hot. But she does not act like it. She has a down to earth personality - and is very opproachable.

Her body was made for me. Sounds sad I know, but we were so compatiple in bed. I enjoy dominating and being in control, and she likes to be dominated (tied up etc). But it's more than just looks - it the way she let me do whatever I wanted - not just sexual but personally. I go off to vegas for weekends with the guys. She';s drive me friends and I to bars and pick us up after.

Not every woman is a cool and confident as that. She believed in me, and thats powerful.

Yeah - Finding someone close to that is going to be a tough one.

 

[NewMan]

Fvck - she emailed me today at work....

She told me that she found an orange on our orange tree (there used to be lots of oranges, but they dropped off except 1. When I picked up my stuff 2 weeks ago I couldn't find it) - so she emailed me to tell me she found it. Then she told me her new phone # at work.

What the F? I haven't called her in like 2 weeks, and now she emails me?

I'm trying to get over this (with help from this site) - but this just sucks - brings everything back.

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

Originally posted by NewMan
Fvck - she emailed me today at work....

She told me that she found an orange on our orange tree (there used to be lots of oranges, but they dropped off except 1. When I picked up my stuff 2 weeks ago I couldn't find it) - so she emailed me to tell me she found it. Then she told me her new phone # at work.

What the F? I haven't called her in like 2 weeks, and now she emails me?

I'm trying to get over this (with help from this site) - but this just sucks - brings everything back.

I believe Doc Love sums it up the best: Beautiful women= Dangerous creatures. With her cutting the relationship with you, you should cut the "benefits" she believes is still hers.

I'm not telling you to be mean but you have to stand up and tell her that you need some time to your self and that you will contact her when it is comfortable for "you". If she disagree then tell her this situation is non-negotiable and she can call, send emails, or whatever but you will not respond until you're healed.

Stop allowing her to have her cake and eat it too with ice cream on a sunny day with her hair done, nails done , toes done, in a brand new outfit.

Peace

 

[echo1212]

Dude, I've been through this. I know this seems impossible, but you really have to end all contact with this girl for right now. At this moment shes out partying with her gf's having a blast, and your sitting home moping-and she knows this. End ALL contact, start working out, hang out with your friends, get laid if need be. One, this will help get you into a better frame of mind, and two it will make her realize she cant have her cake and eat it too of her going out and partying and knowing your there waiting for her.

In time you will begin to look at this more realistically. You were with her for over 4 years and didnt marry her. Is that fair to her? No. She stayed with you for longer than most girls would when they knew you wouldnt marry them, so consider what you had time well spent and move on. Not to mention, it doesnt really sound like the last few years have been so great with her. I know myslef that if my gf smoked pot every night, I would have said NEXT long ago. Thats a deal breaker imo. But, you let it go on even though you werent that happy with it. Not to mention the lack of sex and other things you mentioned. Right now you miss her, the idea of her, the comfort of knowing she was there when you came home at night. Soon, this will all pass, and right about that time is when she will realize this and come knockin on your door, and that is when you will have a decision to make, though I think you know what that decision should be, for both your sakes.

 

[NewMan]

Idiot....

I'm an idiot... I just sent her an email.... Fvck I need help.


It read....


"What I can't figure out is, why you didn't want to work on the issues - those issues that will keep reoccurring through every relationship you will ever have. You were with someone who loved you and cared for you, yet you did not want to do anything to make it work. Excuses about finding yourself is just running away from the problems at hand. "

 

[Quick]

That really doesn't make sense for so many reasons. You really shouldn't want her back. But if you did, that would be the wrong way to get her back.

 

[Eyecandie4ya]

Re: Idiot....

Originally posted by NewMan
I'm an idiot... I just sent her an email.... Fvck I need help.


It read....


"What I can't figure out is, why you didn't want to work on the issues - those issues that will keep reoccurring through every relationship you will ever have. You were with someone who loved you and cared for you, yet you did not want to do anything to make it work. Excuses about finding yourself is just running away from the problems at hand. "

Man, she got you by the balls!

I know it is hard, believe me, I do. But "whining" to her about why you two not togther is not going to get her back! Her mind is made up bro!

Ask yourself this: "Do she think about me the way I think about her"

Be honest with yourself and keep this in your mind everytime you think about her and it will alleviate some of the pain and guide you to a better understanding of this crazy fiasco.

 

[echo1212]

Dude, you just did the EXACT opposite of what you should be doing. Do you want her back? If so, and frankly I dont know why, but if so, END. ALL. CONTACT. NOW!!!!! Do you understand that? Were not dummies here. Weve all done what your doing and going through, and it doesnt work. TRUST ME. Get on with your life, let her live hers, and let her MISS you. That is the only way my friend, the only way. She doesnt want to be blamed for this, she wants to blame you, and by doing what your doing, she can now do that. You need to be a man about this. Hell, I dont even blame her to be honest. She probably wants to get married someday and have a family, and YOU DIDN't. So how can you be upset with her? In time you will see this is for the best, I know its hard to understand that right now, but you will.

 

[tiburon]

NewMan are you a new man or the same old afc?

Brother evryone in this site has given you excellent advice including me. You acted completely AFC. Realize that she aint running away from any problems...she doesnt like you any more thats whats happening...and its not because you are ugly, or fat but becasuse her interest level when on a downhill spiral.YOU ARE ETREMELY LUCKY SHE LEFT YOU...this could had happened when married and with kids...VERY LUCKY
by sending that email you just accused her of something that was the total opposite from the case. She is probably feeling good about her self and saying " This guy is pathetic cant believe i date him, but i understand it must be hard getting over such an irresisteble women like myself, am going to find me a real man(or thats why i have a real man by my side)". Stop lowering yourself and dont be surprised she is already seen or screwing someone else. Excuse for saying this but most women do this(fvcking other dudes right after a 4 year relationship or talking to them with out braking it off first just to make sure they have another bird in their hands..thats low but they are hoes and do this kind of ****) and that makes them hoes.........your ex by now is probably seen someone else and fvcking him aswell.
Dont lower yourself anymore and be a man(read the two replies i wrote before to you, i was in your same exact shoes a month ago.)Remember about your honor and word being more important than any wome...infact with out them you wont have anytwomen respect you....I believ in you so BE A MAN AND CUT OFF all the contacts..

Sincerely

Your friend
Tiburon

p.s
"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
-Charles Caleb Colton

 

[Starman]

heh I think we've all crumbled down to this level with our ex's..

but like the fellas said Pleading WHY!? WHY ? WHY!? to her
only makes you look like a pathetic chump that cant get on with his life without her...

There's no turning back now..you should just cut off your nut sack and have them delivered to her in a Gucci bag

 

[echo1212]

Also, why are you so upset about a girl that smokes pot almost EVERY night? Dont you realize how low class that is? There are so many better ones out there, now go out and find them!!!

 

[Slickster]

NewMan

PULL BACK! WAY BACK!

Change your phone # and your email address.

If you talk to her again tell her to "F*CK OFF! and to leave you alone" then hang up on her.

You just don't seem to be getting the fact that even though she rejected you. You still have the power to reject her. She's messing with your head and thats not good. If she needs space, needs to grow, whatever then do it!

But you absolutely cannot be there being an emotional doormat for her.

You haven't listened to alot of people's advice (who by the way know what they're talking about). CUT OFF contact!

And what you'll see is that she'll be coming to you.

Its like an elastic band. She's pulling you towards her with all this crap. You have to stand up be a man and PULL BACK.

See how she likes it when you erase her from your life.