Getting girls when on the spectrum

[FlirtLife]

I am personally diagnosed with Asperger's and am 20 years old ...

I'm on the spectrum.

At what age were you two diagnosed with Asperger's?

I read an article claiming 80% of those with Asperger's don't have full time jobs (unemployed mostly, but some part time). If you can hold a full time job, you're in the top 20%.

 

[I_have_BDE]

It's far more common of a trait in men than it is with women. Shyness and things like social anxiety, avoidant behaviors, etc. are not necessarily something you find in just "spectrum' individuals.

I'm thinking in her case being way hot, but never interacting with people especially men is a factor. When that hot and in high school a lot of boys could feel intimidated and nervous to approach.

In college we had an hb9.5 girl. Even did modeling. Very quiet, but super snobby and major teacher suck up. Hardly any men or women talked to her. In fact hardly ever saw her socialize with anyone on campus. Everyone said she was snobby in the classes with her. Felt she was better than everyone.

Funny she was snobby to me at first, but since I was the only one that talked to her she softened up to me and was more talkative. Very shy lady.

 

[GoodMan32]

At what age were you two diagnosed with Asperger's?

I read an article claiming 80% of those with Asperger's don't have full time jobs (unemployed mostly, but some part time). If you can hold a full time job, you're in the top 20%.

I found out I'm on the spectrum during middle school.

I work full time.

 

[FlirtLife]

I found out I'm on the spectrum during middle school.

I work full time.

I asked when you were "diagnosed with Asperger's"[1], and you replied with when you "found out". Have you been given a diagnosis from a professional that you have Autism Spectrum Disorder?

[1]

At what age were you two diagnosed with Asperger's?

 

[GoodMan32]

I asked when you were "diagnosed with Asperger's"[1], and you replied with when you "found out". Have you been given a diagnosis from a professional that you have Autism Spectrum Disorder?

[1]

Yeah, I found out from a professional when I was in middle school.

 

[FlirtLife]

Yeah, I found out from a professional when I was in middle school.

Your comment helped me realize Autism is diagnosed much younger than I thought, with the average age of diagnosis being 5 years old.

Autism statistics and facts | Autism Speaks

Click here for autism and asd statistics and facts on the causes and prevalence of autism, associated medical conditions, economic costs and more.

www.autismspeaks.org

 

[GoodMan32]

Your comment helped me realize Autism is diagnosed much younger than I thought, with the average age of diagnosis being 5 years old.

Autism statistics and facts | Autism Speaks

Click here for autism and asd statistics and facts on the causes and prevalence of autism, associated medical conditions, economic costs and more.

www.autismspeaks.org

When I was in elementary school, I had no idea I was on the spectrum (with how mild my case is). In fact, during recess in elementary school, I joined a friend of mine in bullying a clearly autistic kid (Something I regret. Also something I never would have done if not for the bad influence of my friend).

The older I got, the more obvious my differences (compared to the other kids) became. Come 8th grade, the very friend I just mentioned ditched me for the cool crowd.

 

[Cowboy-Cheems]

OP, don't beat yourself up. Lots of successful adults are autistic to an extent (some more obvious than others.). If you are mentally functional enough to use a computer and post on this forum, then you are competent enough to attract women.

If you feel that your Autism is a barrier, ask yourself why it is. Here are some questions to consider:

Is it because you have difficulty reading her emotions? This can be a pain when you are trying to get more intimate on a date.

Do you struggle to restrain yourself from talking about your favorite subject? A date or even casual conversation with a female is not a good place to discuss your favorite Dragonball Z saga or Zelda game (Unless she really likes that kind of stuff.)

Do you have odd mannerisms or "quirks" about you? Girls get uneasy when one of your body parts starts twitching for no reason or you walk a little strange.

If the above situations describe some of your problems, do not despair. With practice and careful self-assessment, you can overcome these obstacles. Exercise both your body and social skills.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

When I was in elementary school, I had no idea I was on the spectrum (with how mild my case is). In fact, during recess in elementary school, I joined a friend of mine in bullying a clearly autistic kid (Something I regret. Also something I never would have done if not for the bad influence of my friend).

The older I got, the more obvious my differences (compared to the other kids) became. Come 8th grade, the very friend I just mentioned ditched me for the cool crowd.

What were your high school years like?

 

[GoodMan32]

What were your high school years like?

I wasn't exactly bullied as much as you might expect during high school. However, I was certainly lacking in the friend department.

Other than hanging out with neighborhood kids, there were hardly any times where I did anything social with my peers outside of school. And even the neighborhood kids likely never would have associated with me if it weren't for our proximity.

 

[GoodMan32]

What were your high school years like?

Another thing I should mention about high school: Hardly any girls were into me (in fact, no girl I expressed interest in during high school or middle school reciprocated the feeling).

And it wasn't a simple matter of "No, you're not my type." It was more along the lines of "Ew, no, you're the freak of the school."

I remember this one girl in particular I was into during my freshman year of high school. Her female friends would leave her comments on MySpace that pretty much said "He's into you? That sucks."

 

[corrector]

Not diagnosed with it, but it's more because my parents, in particular my father, refused any psychologial tests and believed the schools were out to destroy me. We don't trust psychologists or that industry so whether I am spectrum or not, I see it as a man-made label that means nothing with me. I do have tendencies that resonate with the definition, but I often blame that on my hard circumstances, my genetics, my financial situation, and believe it's environment over genes that have created these issues with me. When you grow up hard you tend to be more careful dealing with people because they don't have your best interests at heart.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Another thing I should mention about high school: Hardly any girls were into me (in fact, no girl I expressed interest in during high school or middle school reciprocated the feeling).

And it wasn't a simple matter of "No, you're not my type." It was more along the lines of "Ew, no, you're the freak of the school."

I remember this one girl in particular I was into during my freshman year of high school. Her female friends would leave her comments on MySpace that pretty much said "He's into you? That sucks."

Man that would be a blow to anyone's self esteem. I'm sorry that you had to go thru that. From a social standpoint I was pretty cringe in middle school, especially due to how my ADHD (and the side effects of ADHD medications) affected me back then. Looking back on my middle school experiences I can relate to the feeling of being a social outcast, though people didn't express their thoughts about me as openly as what happened to you as a teenager. In my case people were weirdly artificially nice to me when dealing with me face to face, but I could tell I was being spoken ill of behind my back.

Conversely my high school years were good to me socially except for dating. I played in a band, had a good number of friends, went to parties, smoked weed, played sports, all the stuff that teenagers stereotypically experience. However I never came close to dating in high school. For some reason back then I was absolutely convinced that girls didn't want anything to do with me despite the fact that I was reasonably attractive and semi-popular. I suspect due to the fact that since I had been the weird kid in middle school and had trouble fitting in during my early teenage years, that I still had some kind of lingering self esteem issues stemming from that.

But later in my life I realized that there were in fact girls who liked me when I was in high school, and I was too oblivious and too fearful of my advances potentially failing to even do anything. There's one example that really sticks out in my mind. During my junior year there was this one particular girl who for this era in my life actually would have been a good match for me, and my friends kept telling me that they had a strong feeling that she was into me and that I should start chatting her up and eventually ask her out. I was indeed attracted to her and I trusted the judgment of my friends, but I psyched myself out of doing anything because I had so much self-doubt.

This girl even came to the very first gig of the band I was in at the time, and now that I think about it I get the impression that she was there to see me. After the show would have been a very good opportunity to talk to her, and things would have gone from there, but I never chatted her up that time or any other time. As far as I can remember I don't think I ever had a one-on-one conversation with her. Then a couple months later she started going out with this one guy who was a complete square and far less cool than me. When I found out about that I was so mad, and to this day I still see it as arguably my biggest women-related blunder. I completely brought it on myself, all because I was so inept that I did nothing to actually even try with this girl. That's the most maddening part, that I could have very easily succeeded and I defeated myself and never took any action. Even as I write this I still feel angry at myself about it.

It seems like in our high school years we had the opposite problems. You at least tried and expressed interest in girls you liked, but I kept everything pent up inside and never did anything to actually engage them in any meaningful way. Although no girls reciprocated your interest, at least you had the courage to do something. I can't say the same thing about my situation back then, I was an oblivious coward when it came to girls and I never took any decisive action.

 

[Cowboy-Cheems]

High school was sort of a crisis for me too. The few female dates I got never progressed past the first date. Having a laughably small class size did not help either, since everyone knew everyone. I got to be a cute senior girl's prom date at the end of my Junior year, due to her being too embarrassed to go to prom alone (She asked me in the middle of class.). I got arrogant and tried to get a second date a few days later, but I was in the friendzone before I even got asked to go to the prom in the first place. This was back when I had the delusion that the friendzone was escapable.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

High school was sort of a crisis for me too. The few female dates I got never progressed past the first date. Having a laughably small class size did not help either, since everyone knew everyone. I got to be a cute senior girl's prom date at the end of my Junior year, due to her being too embarrassed to go to prom alone (She asked me in the middle of class.). I got arrogant and tried to get a second date a few days later, but I was in the friendzone before I even got asked to go to the prom in the first place. This was back when I had the delusion that the friendzone was escapable.

At least you got dates to begin with lol. Not dating in high school is one of my biggest regrets, and it really impacted my success with women in the long run

 

[Cowboy-Cheems]

At least you got dates to begin with lol. Not dating in high school is one of my biggest regrets, and it really impacted my success with women in the long run

True, I should show a little more gratitude toward my situation. Looking back at my few and far-between high school dates, I can honestly say that very little real value stemmed from them in the long run. I know you probably have a strong sense of FOMO (Fear of missing out) regarding the high school dynamic when reflecting on the past, but as someone who has seen what can be offered beyond high school, I can confirm that you have not been exactly been robbed by any means of a quality life experience by missing out on the high school scene.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

True, I should show a little more gratitude toward my situation. Looking back at my few and far-between high school dates, I can honestly say that very little real value stemmed from them in the long run. I know you probably have a strong sense of FOMO (Fear of missing out) regarding the high school dynamic when reflecting on the past, but as someone who has seen what can be offered beyond high school, I can confirm that you have not been exactly been robbed by any means of a quality life experience by missing out on the high school scene.

Yeah I really did have a lot of FOMO about it back then, and it really upped the amount of frustration I felt about having not gotten any action. Even in college it took a while before I got laid and had a girlfriend. But in the end I succeeded that time even if I missed out on dating in high school. But I only ever could meet women from dating apps. Having dated in high school would have at least made me more able to meet women irl. To this day I haven't initially met any woman I've been with irl

 

[SW15]

From what I've heard about the experiences of women on the spectrum is that it's easier for them to get into relationships or be sexually active compared to men with the same condition, but the flip side is that they're far more likely to be manipulated or abused in relationships

That's not something that should surprise you at all.

However, for men to have these issues it honestly could be impossible for them to even get a date, let alone an actual gf/relationship.

Autism and Asperger's are rare for women. It's not much of an obstacle for them in terms of getting laid or getting into relationships. Their relationships may be more chaotic though.

Men with Autism and Asperger's are at a huge disadvantage in the mating environment.

 

[Cowboy-Cheems]

Female autism is an interesting issue. Supposedly, the emotional nature of females makes it easier for them to "mask" their autism. I have met one girl with diagnosed autism in her teens. I am kind of skeptic of this one though, as she is also a known Hypochondriac that shops for doctors to label her as something. She would tell me her new "chronic condition" every month after somehow miraculously surviving last month's. Not knowing the doctor that gave her the diagnosis or if the diagnosis even happened, I honestly assume it to be bogus until proven otherwise.

Another girl I met in her early 20s did not ever mention any sort of diagnosis, but her demeanor, interests and overall behavior made me suspect autism, since she seemed to exhibit many personality traits I saw in autistic males (few friends, socially awkward, hyper fixation on odd special-interests etc.) I am by no means a psychologist but I have seen enough consistent trends to make what I feel are safe assumptions.

 

[GoodMan32]

Man that would be a blow to anyone's self esteem. I'm sorry that you had to go thru that. From a social standpoint I was pretty cringe in middle school, especially due to how my ADHD (and the side effects of ADHD medications) affected me back then. Looking back on my middle school experiences I can relate to the feeling of being a social outcast, though people didn't express their thoughts about me as openly as what happened to you as a teenager. In my case people were weirdly artificially nice to me when dealing with me face to face, but I could tell I was being spoken ill of behind my back.

Conversely my high school years were good to me socially except for dating. I played in a band, had a good number of friends, went to parties, smoked weed, played sports, all the stuff that teenagers stereotypically experience. However I never came close to dating in high school. For some reason back then I was absolutely convinced that girls didn't want anything to do with me despite the fact that I was reasonably attractive and semi-popular. I suspect due to the fact that since I had been the weird kid in middle school and had trouble fitting in during my early teenage years, that I still had some kind of lingering self esteem issues stemming from that.

But later in my life I realized that there were in fact girls who liked me when I was in high school, and I was too oblivious and too fearful of my advances potentially failing to even do anything. There's one example that really sticks out in my mind. During my junior year there was this one particular girl who for this era in my life actually would have been a good match for me, and my friends kept telling me that they had a strong feeling that she was into me and that I should start chatting her up and eventually ask her out. I was indeed attracted to her and I trusted the judgment of my friends, but I psyched myself out of doing anything because I had so much self-doubt.

This girl even came to the very first gig of the band I was in at the time, and now that I think about it I get the impression that she was there to see me. After the show would have been a very good opportunity to talk to her, and things would have gone from there, but I never chatted her up that time or any other time. As far as I can remember I don't think I ever had a one-on-one conversation with her. Then a couple months later she started going out with this one guy who was a complete square and far less cool than me. When I found out about that I was so mad, and to this day I still see it as arguably my biggest women-related blunder. I completely brought it on myself, all because I was so inept that I did nothing to actually even try with this girl. That's the most maddening part, that I could have very easily succeeded and I defeated myself and never took any action. Even as I write this I still feel angry at myself about it.

It seems like in our high school years we had the opposite problems. You at least tried and expressed interest in girls you liked, but I kept everything pent up inside and never did anything to actually engage them in any meaningful way. Although no girls reciprocated your interest, at least you had the courage to do something. I can't say the same thing about my situation back then, I was an oblivious coward when it came to girls and I never took any decisive action.

There is some overlap between our high school experience. Here's a part of the story I left out: Come junior year, I think there might have finally been a girl with a mutual interest in me. I did some light flirting with her. I never escalated, however.

Here's why I refrained from escalating: With how humiliated I had been by girls from 7th grade through sophomore year, I couldn't take even one more rejection. So since I wasn't 100% sure whether this girl was into me, I kept our relationship at light flirting.

Side note, you mentioned the girl from your story ended up dating a square. Incidentally, one of my escorts called me a square back when I was 25 (because I was a 25 year old guy in a big city who hardly ever got out)