Most of you know, I saw my twin brother at Stanford today for the 1st time in almost a month. 8/5 he went to the emergency at Santa Teresa Kaiser as he had COVID symptoms for 8 days. He was placed in a Coma on 8/10 and transferred to Stanford on 8/16 to be placed on ECMO treatment.
Going into the hospital today 8/31, I was filled with mixed emotions. I was nervous, anxiety high, emotional, hopeful, happy, sad, scared, exhausted and blessed to be able to spend time with him.
But my stay was surreal. Jesse's body is critically ill. He has multiple machines helping him breath, clean his blood, control his body temperature, tubes to feed him, tubes to administer medication of all kinds, to draw his blood, to help him drain the urine/fluids from his body and so much more. His arms are restrained so he doesn't pull out his tubes, because if he did, it would kill him. I can only imagine how uncomfortable he must feel. Both his lungs are filled with fluid/muscous and at times, he seemed to struggle to take each breath. His body shivered uncontrollably for 5-1/2 of the 6 hours I was next to him and the Dr's don't know what the cause is from. Is it from the Tracheostomy tube, Sedation/Antibiotics medicine, Infections, Fever, Lungs, Liver, kidneys, etc??? The only thing that keeps him from shivering is narcotics to keep the pain away and allow him to be sedated, which at times still doesn't work. The shivering is not good because it depleats his oxygen and puts more stress on his body. The ****ty part is that the medicines help one thing, but can cause other complications, and he's on so many.
He was heavily sedated throughout my stay and at times, his eyes were open. I would look at him, talk to him and I felt he heard me with no response. But I felt when I talked to him, it agitated him as his heart rate, blood pressure increased as well as his shivering and difficulty breathing. I'm not sure if this was because he wanted to say something to me and couldn't or didn't have the energy. I saw a tear roll down his eye and it broke my heart. I can't tell you the helpless feeling I had not being able to do something for Jesse. It was heartbreaking to see him struggle. Every time I think of Jesse, it makes me cry. I can't imagine my life without him.
My brother is 47 and has always been a strong, stubborn, independent man who has never needed much help and who has always helped others. It's not fair this happened to him. If Jesse was vaccinated, would he be in this position he's in today? I bet ya a million $$$$ if he could go back and do it all over again, he'd 100% have gotten the vaccine for a chance to have limited these COVID symptoms and be with his family again.
I struggle with his decision to not be vaccinated every day. It haunts me.
I have been relying on prayer, faith and the support of others to keep me motivated and positive. But today was extremely tough. I'm not confident, more scared then before and I'm fearful for the outcome. I will continue to pray the treatments are going to help Jesse fight his infections and support the healing of his lungs. And keep him as comfortable as possible through this ordeal. Please lord, help my brother heal, give him the strength to fight this battle and give me the strength to stay positive.
Lord I pray, AMEN!
