The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
Firestar786
Senior Don Juan
So it’s been 6 months and ten days
Oddly she has called several times
I haven’t answered
Coming into 2020 soon with things looking very bright hopefully...
there is no room or Time to make amends with an idiot who destroyed something not worth destroying
The long and short is that we often pair ourselves up with these idiotic women who ruin our lives for no apparent reason.
**** them and work on yourself.
Oddly she has called several times
I haven’t answered
Coming into 2020 soon with things looking very bright hopefully...
there is no room or Time to make amends with an idiot who destroyed something not worth destroying
The long and short is that we often pair ourselves up with these idiotic women who ruin our lives for no apparent reason.
**** them and work on yourself.
DAY 21 (3 week mark)- kinda in the acceptance phase right now and when she comes to
Mind I just consistently think of the negatives she brought to the relationship which is very helpful to
Me. I’ve begun to realize that she was a passive aggressive female. I had to initiate every hang out and date and something like that can really take a toll on someone/me. I’m already hearing of a girl that’s interested in me that I plan on checking out when I run into her which is nice. Other than that, everything is slowly getting better.
Mind I just consistently think of the negatives she brought to the relationship which is very helpful to
Me. I’ve begun to realize that she was a passive aggressive female. I had to initiate every hang out and date and something like that can really take a toll on someone/me. I’m already hearing of a girl that’s interested in me that I plan on checking out when I run into her which is nice. Other than that, everything is slowly getting better.
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 42
Hey guys, i need some feedback to think straight. It's christmas time and i sense myself getting all introspective and soft, filled with much more empathy around this time of year.
Long story short, basically i was the opposite of needy and didn't make my ex feel valued in the relationship shown through my actions while she kept pushing for me, she kept going, even visiting therapy to talk about me until her feelings disappeared when i started to fail test after test and then it was too late for me to do anything anymore despite i told her i see a future with her and didn't want the breakup. Just before she broke up she admitted that we "never gave the relationship a real chance" and implied she wanted to, which made me think it's on but i guess it had gone too far already and she changed her mind again and broke up. It was a struggle for her for sure. We know how women don't want to hurt our feelings so officially she said that no one is to blame, we both did our best implying we were just in different stages of our lives and "timing" was the official breakup reason. I know it means i wasn't interesting and valuable enough for her to keep trying anymore, and i agree with her on that. It was the usual, communication ceased more and more. At the day of the breakup I made her answer if she saw any potential in us and she said no. I don't expect her to say anything else at that point though.
I know, i was living in her frame 100% and it felt like a soft version of NC before the real NC lol.
Since that day we parted on friendly terms and i went immediately into NC that i've kept for 8 months now, she reached out (indirectly) to me once after 4 months, full with questions about me and my life which made me think she cares a little bit too much to how i'm doing to want to cut the cord completely (still has my phone number, still friends on fb).
It takes a man to realise his mistakes and I'm just full of guilt how i handled the relationship right now and have the urge to write her a mature reflection on what i've realised about myself, that i agree the breakup was needed for growth and wish her well in life. No getting back or anything, just letting her know how i see things. To be honest i handled her very immaturely which is weighing me down.
But i don't know if that's better than to stay a mystery in NC. I somehow feel that all explaining or letters after the fact make you look pathetic but i'm not sure. She's also very traditional and hate it when men show weakness of any sort which makes me think i should skip it. My strong feeling is that she will reach out again sometime to check up on me out of curiosity and ego satisfaction. As far as i know she hasn't had anything serious after me and is still single.
Thoughts appreciated.
Long story short, basically i was the opposite of needy and didn't make my ex feel valued in the relationship shown through my actions while she kept pushing for me, she kept going, even visiting therapy to talk about me until her feelings disappeared when i started to fail test after test and then it was too late for me to do anything anymore despite i told her i see a future with her and didn't want the breakup. Just before she broke up she admitted that we "never gave the relationship a real chance" and implied she wanted to, which made me think it's on but i guess it had gone too far already and she changed her mind again and broke up. It was a struggle for her for sure. We know how women don't want to hurt our feelings so officially she said that no one is to blame, we both did our best implying we were just in different stages of our lives and "timing" was the official breakup reason. I know it means i wasn't interesting and valuable enough for her to keep trying anymore, and i agree with her on that. It was the usual, communication ceased more and more. At the day of the breakup I made her answer if she saw any potential in us and she said no. I don't expect her to say anything else at that point though.
I know, i was living in her frame 100% and it felt like a soft version of NC before the real NC lol.
Since that day we parted on friendly terms and i went immediately into NC that i've kept for 8 months now, she reached out (indirectly) to me once after 4 months, full with questions about me and my life which made me think she cares a little bit too much to how i'm doing to want to cut the cord completely (still has my phone number, still friends on fb).
It takes a man to realise his mistakes and I'm just full of guilt how i handled the relationship right now and have the urge to write her a mature reflection on what i've realised about myself, that i agree the breakup was needed for growth and wish her well in life. No getting back or anything, just letting her know how i see things. To be honest i handled her very immaturely which is weighing me down.
But i don't know if that's better than to stay a mystery in NC. I somehow feel that all explaining or letters after the fact make you look pathetic but i'm not sure. She's also very traditional and hate it when men show weakness of any sort which makes me think i should skip it. My strong feeling is that she will reach out again sometime to check up on me out of curiosity and ego satisfaction. As far as i know she hasn't had anything serious after me and is still single.
Thoughts appreciated.
See comments in bold.
EyeOnThePrize
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2019
- Messages
- 1,151
- Reaction score
- 1,884
- Age
- 34
@dude99 did a good job. She may have been playing games by implying you never gave the relationship a real chance. She knows you're into it, she's the one that pushed you away, so she needs to be the one to come back, despite your mistakes. You can't force her back and deep down you're hoping your reflection letter to her will rekindle something, otherwise you would have done it already and not thought twice about it. The fact that she's always on your mind should be a huge flag to not do it. Do you know how good she'll feel to shoot you down after you spill your guts out for her or shower her with tons of attention? She may even come see you but push for just friends, and it sounds like you're too attached for that. You think you'll change her mind or make her feel better but you'll just push her away and prolong your suffering.
I've gone through similar cuckery and there's a simple mechanism you can use to gauge how ready you are to comfortably communicate with her. How often do you think about her? If the answer is almost all the time then you need to steer clear of communication. You'll end up overthinking every communication and feeling worse off long term.
The longer you hold your silence, the more distance you create, the more time you have to truly internalize what happened, and thus the more value you give yourself. Demonstrate don't explicate. Make peace with your past and remember that you learn best in a positive accepting state of mind. Guilt or fear won't help you learn. If she does come back remember that the same problems will resurface and you'll have to tackle them together just like before. If she dipped during that stage then she'll probably dip in that stage again. Be logical, be pragmatic, people rarely change. Over time you'll remember the things she didn't bring to the table and start seeing through her veil. This will again cause emotional reactions from you. Then you'll push on with your life and these things will begin to matter less and less until you can't remember your last communication. You will have finally taken her off the pedestal and hopefully regained a higher purpose in your life.
She's being unrealistic to think men shouldn't show weakness. We all have flaws and limitations. Sometimes something might break you. That doesn't mean you should make her your therapist but your behavior and mood is bound to have some flux. The more shapeless and adaptive we are, the easier time we have going through life. You can't take any of it with you, things will always change, that's the one constant of the universe. It's our relationship to change that defines us.
Date other women. You probably won't like most of them because you'll be making comparisons to your ex but keep going on dates. It's a simple exercise that will help instill an abundant mindset. Don't worry about having sex, just go enjoy yourself. Practice experiencing change as these women come into and out of your life, it'll force you to develop emotional independence and confidence.
Your duty is to lead yourself the best way you can. Never stop perfecting that.
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 42
I've already snapped out of it. Thanks @dude99 and @EyeOnThePrize for the mature sensible talk. Truly appreciate to get back on the ground again.
What is messing with my mind so much is that i didn't do the usual needy things that suffocated the relationship, i was rather too aloof and uncaring and with this NC it feels i'm just reinforcing this view of me. However i clearly stated to her i didn't want the relationship to end so the ball was in her court and you are right, she still occupies way to many thoughts in my mind. This "fading effect bias" is killing me, it's like i ignore the bad stuff with her alltogether and only remember the good things so i have to keep reminding myself all the time.
She was half russian, so their view of men are kinda like that. The man is supposed to be the strong alpha who never shows any weakness in any form and wrestles with bears on his free time lol. Kinda hilarious incident happened on our annivarsary where we went out with a bottle of wine to the pier having fun and i was having trouble with a lens in my eye that totally fcked up my eye to the point where i couldn't open it anymore (never happened before) while there was this tiny boat in the harbour coming towards the pier where we were sitting and she jokingly said "what if this boat is coming for us, can you protect me?" I was my usual teasing self and said "of course not". Anyway i heard about that incident way later that she didn't feel safe and protected over sh1tty things like that. I understand that was coming from a deeper problem or feeling she had, but come on.
I've to clearify this "we never gave the relationship a real chance".
After huge disagreements that lasted for a good while she started to withdraw and check out, to her saying let's reset and "see where we stand" by enjoying a weekend together abroad which according to her went much better than expected expressing her love for me, seemingly very into me, to her breaking up 2 weeks later, NC, to her crawling back 1 week later wanting "to talk". She said she remembered all our good times and said the ONLY thing she was sure about was that we hadn't given the relationship a real chance in her eyes and she wanted us to try again but before that she went on a long pre-planned vacation 1 month to reflect on her future (with no communication between us) and that's where she then told me it's over for real. With the help of validation and sex from another man i'm sure.
With that lingering thought in the back of her mind, i have a hard time believing i'm totally just out of the picture with no potential whatsoever, that kind of thought would kill me myself looking back on an ex-partner down the line, but you can't look into another human being and make sense out of women's feelings.
Oh, and she was post-wall freaking about time running out.
Time to continue to lead my life the best i can.
Look at it this way, with her wishy washy attitude she deserved your aloofness. She is lucky you gave her a commitment at all. She does not deserve a relationship. With her behaviour wanting you monday not sure tuesday breaking up wednesday to regretting it friday to we never gave it a chance, BS she deserved aloofness. What she actually deserved is for you to view her as a FB. not a girlfriend.
Reading this from the outside she blew it. Not you. She deserves NC. She deserves to see you living your life well. When she reaches out in 3 or 4 months with another "im confused so you think there is a chance for us?"do not bite. do not engage. Just say "nope. I gotta go." Then resume Nc
She gets one chance. She already blew hers
EyeOnThePrize
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2019
- Messages
- 1,151
- Reaction score
- 1,884
- Age
- 34
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 42
@dude99, there is no excuse for wishy washy behavior, at the same time you teach others how they treat you. The underlying fact was that her respect for me dwindled when the disagreements escalated, and with that everything else soon went down the toilet regarding attraction and feelings, looking back on it now it's obvious. The wishy washy behavior as i see it is just a result of it already being over, but her still wanting it to work out in her mind. Until it didn't.
However, you learn alot about yourself and i feel i'm a complete different person in that regard now. Invaluable experience for the future.
Question: How do you make it to 3 mins of your time and still manage to avoid their questions? I would think the first question is already coming in at 15 sec and then you've to excuse yourself. Because i can imagine you're not asking them a single question.
However, you learn alot about yourself and i feel i'm a complete different person in that regard now. Invaluable experience for the future.
Question: How do you make it to 3 mins of your time and still manage to avoid their questions? I would think the first question is already coming in at 15 sec and then you've to excuse yourself. Because i can imagine you're not asking them a single question.
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 42
Abit off-topic but general thoughts.
Your comment: "As soon as tests begin you drop the woman, no excuse for tests".
I don't agree with this and here is why: A gf will always test you, no matter who you are. This is how she sees that you're still the real deal, something programmed into their brains to procreate with the best genes possible, and they do it subconciously. Some men don't think they are being tested because they pass them naturally without noticing them and they usually manage to hold up a stronger frame so there are less of them, but they still occur to some degree. In the "honeymoon phase" there is usually none to a very few of them, however, when that phase is over and she starts to demand more, like they all are, and she starts to see cracks in your armor by failing them and you become softer. Her brain will sense incongruence from her projected image of you and she will hammer through that hole and bombard you with more tests that you have to handle accordingly.
That's when they start to treat you worse, become cold and men realise that and start to supplicate in order to try to change her back to loving ways, only to kill the last bit of respect she had and then she leaves or cheats.
Your comment: "As soon as tests begin you drop the woman, no excuse for tests".
I don't agree with this and here is why: A gf will always test you, no matter who you are. This is how she sees that you're still the real deal, something programmed into their brains to procreate with the best genes possible, and they do it subconciously. Some men don't think they are being tested because they pass them naturally without noticing them and they usually manage to hold up a stronger frame so there are less of them, but they still occur to some degree. In the "honeymoon phase" there is usually none to a very few of them, however, when that phase is over and she starts to demand more, like they all are, and she starts to see cracks in your armor by failing them and you become softer. Her brain will sense incongruence from her projected image of you and she will hammer through that hole and bombard you with more tests that you have to handle accordingly.
That's when they start to treat you worse, become cold and men realise that and start to supplicate in order to try to change her back to loving ways, only to kill the last bit of respect she had and then she leaves or cheats.
CaptainNotSoObvious
Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2019
- Messages
- 87
- Reaction score
- 58
- Age
- 46
By being positive being vague and not having the time for her.
When she reaches out the entire conversation onus is on her
Her " hey i havent heard from you in a while how have you been."
You " awesome! i have been so busy its been crazy. Wonder few months but crazy busy.!!!"
Her " what has had you busy?"
You " you know the usual. Dating, work, family. The gym. Speaking of which i dont have much time what's up?"
The fact you said dating this will trigger her. Dating huh, so are you seeing anyone now?" She will gauge her validation by what you say here. GIVE HER NOTHING ZERO ZIP. Most guys give the girl the impression they are single letting her know she still stands a chance. This is a mistake. She sees your single status as lack of options. Aka she feels validated and she feels she won the break up. Do not do this.
You " oh yeah. Ive been dating quite a bit."
Her "who are you seeing."
You "hey that is a conversation for another time. I gotta go get ready for a date. We will catch up a other time. Bye 'click'
You end the conversation telling her zero information leaving her in the dark. Zero validation.
This will be 3 minutes or less. And this will tell her she is NOT a priority at all in your life
Then you resume no contact. Give her nothing.
I respect that you disagree but i stand by my decision that you dont put up with test. You do not put up with tests period.
Here is why. To quote you in your previous message
"you teach others how they treat you. "
This was your quote.
Putting up with sheit tests is teaching her to push you, disrespect you and to push your boundaries. It will start subtle but wont stay that way.
Putting up your boundaries and refusing to put up with BS and having the stones to put her at the curb is the definition of being a real man and all women want the real man
You may think Passing tests may be ok........for now.... but over time she will push and push and push and passing them or putting up with then will drive her quality down down down.
A girl who knows if she pulls sheit, is history will think long and hard before she plays games.
Id rather my lady know she wont be my lady if she **** tests me, than pass her games to see if my seed will give her a quality offspring.
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 42
Here's how i see it. From reading what you wrote i get the feeling you think it's a conscious decision from women to throw out test at us. These tests are not something she does on purpose or the sign of a low quality woman, it's something in her hindbrain making sure she doesn't end up with a loser and secures the strongest genes for her offspring. It's just an automatic response to her environment. I do agree with you that we don't put up with them, we just handle them or they become the doom of the relationship sooner rather than later.
If you let her relax into her feminine nature, which she will only do if you're consistently conveying the strong masculine traits of being the dominant leader who has his sh1t together which she has to feel, she wont have any reason to test you in theory since she just knows you're the real deal. There's no need to fist the rock to see if it's a rock when you already know it's a rock.
Tests, with a woman of "good stock" only occur when you lose frame, she will not have any reason to test you otherwise.
This is how i see it. When people decide for a LTR the chemicals play a huge role as long as the infatuation stage takes place. She loves her perceived image of you in her head and all the things you can do for her along with rationalizations on how great you are, even if you're not you can't do any wrong in this phase. The man enjoys the good sex, companionship and all that good stuff and think he has found his idealized version of a woman.
After this phase it's back to reality, Poon King called this "the ultimate sh1t test" where he said it's all an act from the woman to lure you and your resources in until she reveals her real self after 6 months-1year and drop the "act". I'd say now is the time the lovey dovey chemicals wear off and they get to see eachother for real for the first time. Infatuation is probably just nature's way of making sure you stay together to procreate.
I don't think it's a deliberate act from women, it's more a consequence of men's way of loving idealistically becoming comfortable and relaxing thinking she will love him just the way he is, thus becoming softer and agreeing to more along with his increased feelings, and women's opportunistic way of loving demanding constant improvement. The man is supposed to perform so she can get as much as she can to benefit her offspring the most. Probably a combination of biology providing the best for potential offsprings and societies view that women can have everything, since they listen very much to what the 'herd' has to say. Anyway i believe it's nature way of making sure we never become stagnant and on top of our game. This is where most LTR fall apart since women seem to think it's all supposed to be a happy ride all the way to death do us part.
Psychiatrists have a similar view on this. They say that we attract partners that remind us of the BAD traits from our caretakers growing up. It's our brains way of putting itself in a situation where it can be healed from the trauma it experienced as a child, as everyone experiences trauma to some degree. So they say we fall in love and then after a while we realise that our partners can't read our minds and don't just "fix us" as we thought, so we become discontent and start to argue. I guess that's about the same time the sh1t tests are arriving.
Then we have the flat out bad behavior, consistent disrespect from women who doesn't know better, these are the woman of "bad stock". This is a different story and then we're leaving the area of sh1t tests where boundaries are crossed time and time again and they need to go.
I've heard from men in long succesful marriages on this forum who confirmed the woman is still testing him many many years down the line but he just handles them without any effort anymore. They can be subtle and don't need to be obvious crossing of your boundaries but they still exist.
I think Atom Smasher with all his experience and wisdom used to say, you don't pass them - you handle them.
I'm just arguing they are natural and the increased intensity is a consequence of the man's weaker and weaker frame or slipping up.
If you have frame and keep her in check and she sees you as her superhero they will be at a minimum and very subtle and not escalate from that to flat out disrespectful behavior.
That's not to say women will never flat out disrespect you, i believe they all do at some point in a LTR. Just because respect means different things for men and women and they've never been taught how to fully behave from a strong father. The key is to put them in their place immediately or you will have a storm coming for you. I embrace them as a good thing.
Day 17
Saw my ex at a mutual friend's party over the weekend. She initiated contact; I had no intention of even speaking tbh. I'm not bitter at this point... Just don't feel any interaction was worth it; not only that, I refused to validate her through acknowledgement.
We spoke, then she went her way and I went mine. I found it interesting that I had a "what was I thinking?" moment yesterday. It was a ugly sweater/PJ's party. She was the only person not dressed for the occasion.
It made me realize how self-absorbed she can be.
That got me thinking how many times I overlooked it in the past. I would see the signs yet I was so focused on other stuff I disregarded it. It sucks I had to deal with the pain to get here however the knowledge that I AM is something I take a lot of pride in. See y'all in few weeks.
Saw my ex at a mutual friend's party over the weekend. She initiated contact; I had no intention of even speaking tbh. I'm not bitter at this point... Just don't feel any interaction was worth it; not only that, I refused to validate her through acknowledgement.
We spoke, then she went her way and I went mine. I found it interesting that I had a "what was I thinking?" moment yesterday. It was a ugly sweater/PJ's party. She was the only person not dressed for the occasion.
It made me realize how self-absorbed she can be.
That got me thinking how many times I overlooked it in the past. I would see the signs yet I was so focused on other stuff I disregarded it. It sucks I had to deal with the pain to get here however the knowledge that I AM is something I take a lot of pride in. See y'all in few weeks.
Day 32 I believe, this past week has been really good so far, made it back to the gym two weeks ago and have been going consistently which I kinda disregarded slightly when I was seeing her. I’m good for the most part but on weekends it kinda sucks because we live in the same neighborhood and Refuse to go to places she might even be at. Just been going elsewhere with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I do not plan on seeing her for as long as possible.
Day 28
I've been ruminating on my relationship the last couple of days. I guess it's the holidays.... First Christmas in two years I wasn't with J....
I'm not making contact tho.
Why should I? If I was on her mind she would reach out. She hasn't, meaning I'm NOT. If I am those thoughts haven't compelled her to do so. Either way, made a decision and I'm going to stand by it. I will not contact her... No matter what. I know one thing: I gotta get my headspace together. I've got NYE plans with my sexy co-worker. I refuse to let these thoughts mess up my plans. I'll see you all in a few days.
I've been ruminating on my relationship the last couple of days. I guess it's the holidays.... First Christmas in two years I wasn't with J....
I'm not making contact tho.
Why should I? If I was on her mind she would reach out. She hasn't, meaning I'm NOT. If I am those thoughts haven't compelled her to do so. Either way, made a decision and I'm going to stand by it. I will not contact her... No matter what. I know one thing: I gotta get my headspace together. I've got NYE plans with my sexy co-worker. I refuse to let these thoughts mess up my plans. I'll see you all in a few days.
Aaq
Isn't that the fun part? No only do you have to deal with them not being around those places and things you used to find joy in now have to be avoided to keep the pain down. But you have the right mindset. Keep pushing.