The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[trulycrushed]

Day 15.

 

[RedScorpion]

Thanks Skalioppe, drellum. It sucks. Definitely sucks. I'm at the point where my justification, anger has subsided substantially. There's feelings of regret, sadness, disappointment. I feel bad. If there was any chance of it working, I've shot myself in the foot and then hacked it off preventing it. If there was an opportunity, I feel like I messed it up. Even though logically I can see where she's had a good chance to advance it. We'd be friendly, everything good. I would figure, good chance to get friendlier, Then either she'd ignore me and I'd ignore her in response, or she'd flirt with some random guy (doesn't matter if they're good looking or old and fat, like when are you going to take me shooting *flirt*(like he's 40, has a bit of a belly, good guy but yeah. And not just him but other random old, bigger guys, that she wouldn't even know well, among everyone else)). I'd be like 'wtf... k', then I'd be distant next time I see her, then she'd be distant to me in immediate response. Starts flirting with everyone, no matter who. Ignored each other for a month. Then she texted me asking to help on house. All this happened last time I saw her currently. I wasn't too friendly seeing her next (after texting me she was 'worried' about my engaged friend), she smiled big at me, I wasn't feeling it, half-smile back, she becomes snotty at me. I debate for a bit what to do, while she flirts again with everyone. Which hardens my resolve to say "See ya". Happens everytime. Worst is I scam myself back into the cycle, because by the point she's all nice and stuff, I feel good, in control, emotions not all out of whack. So I say, why not. So dumb. Not my fault precisely, but enough of it to give me control of this cycle. And putting myself into it. The worst is everytime I feel to trust her, I see the red flags (flirting with others) and I'm like... do I choose to withstand the stress or not? And eventually I pull back, she notices (even if I'm just trying to pass it as being quiet), she pulls back, ignore for awhile, and somehow we become friendly again few weeks down the road.

If I had to guess why she does this, why we're in this cycle, I'd say it's a few things. I think she likes knowing guys want her. Especially married or committed ones. When she knows they'll go up to the point of sleeping with them, checkmark, onto the next one. Single guys aren't omitted either for sure. With me, well, I really wish it was a game because she likes me or some other bs. That's what I'd love to believe. But, I think the only reason she comes back is because she hasn't figured me out. Or at least not responding the way she wants me to. And I like her, because I haven't figured her out. If there's any advantage currently, it's that I snapped the connections when she was last snotty to me. More chance of her thinking I did it because "Her: Maybe I was a *****" than "He's just moody as hell with me". Which the latter would be closer to the truth haha. All hopeful thinking though, from thinking that she actually cares.

So this post is more of a vent. Really glad I wrote it, learned some stuff just rereading it.This is why I need to maintain no contact. To break this cycle. Even if part of me doesn't want to, in some perverse way. Meet new women, that's the key I know. Day 9.

 

[drellum]

Thanks Skalioppe, drellum. It sucks. Definitely sucks. I'm at the point where my justification, anger has subsided substantially. There's feelings of regret, sadness, disappointment. I feel bad. If there was any chance of it working, I've shot myself in the foot and then hacked it off preventing it. If there was an opportunity, I feel like I messed it up. Even though logically I can see where she's had a good chance to advance it. We'd be friendly, everything good. I would figure, good chance to get friendlier, Then either she'd ignore me and I'd ignore her in response, or she'd flirt with some random guy (doesn't matter if they're good looking or old and fat, like when are you going to take me shooting *flirt*(like he's 40, has a bit of a belly, good guy but yeah. And not just him but other random old, bigger guys, that she wouldn't even know well, among everyone else)). I'd be like 'wtf... k', then I'd be distant next time I see her, then she'd be distant to me in immediate response. Starts flirting with everyone, no matter who. Ignored each other for a month. Then she texted me asking to help on house. All this happened last time I saw her currently. I wasn't too friendly seeing her next (after texting me she was 'worried' about my engaged friend), she smiled big at me, I wasn't feeling it, half-smile back, she becomes snotty at me. I debate for a bit what to do, while she flirts again with everyone. Which hardens my resolve to say "See ya". Happens everytime. Worst is I scam myself back into the cycle, because by the point she's all nice and stuff, I feel good, in control, emotions not all out of whack. So I say, why not. So dumb. Not my fault precisely, but enough of it to give me control of this cycle. And putting myself into it. The worst is everytime I feel to trust her, I see the red flags (flirting with others) and I'm like... do I choose to withstand the stress or not? And eventually I pull back, she notices (even if I'm just trying to pass it as being quiet), she pulls back, ignore for awhile, and somehow we become friendly again few weeks down the road.

If I had to guess why she does this, why we're in this cycle, I'd say it's a few things. I think she likes knowing guys want her. Especially married or committed ones. When she knows they'll go up to the point of sleeping with them, checkmark, onto the next one. Single guys aren't omitted either for sure. With me, well, I really wish it was a game because she likes me or some other bs. That's what I'd love to believe. But, I think the only reason she comes back is because she hasn't figured me out. Or at least not responding the way she wants me to. And I like her, because I haven't figured her out. If there's any advantage currently, it's that I snapped the connections when she was last snotty to me. More chance of her thinking I did it because "Her: Maybe I was a *****" than "He's just moody as hell with me". Which the latter would be closer to the truth haha. All hopeful thinking though, from thinking that she actually cares.

So this post is more of a vent. Really glad I wrote it, learned some stuff just rereading it.This is why I need to maintain no contact. To break this cycle. Even if part of me doesn't want to, in some perverse way. Meet new women, that's the key I know. Day 9.

The thing that helped me take a big leap forward was killing the anger. It's a hard thing to get over but has to be done. Carrying that around is a heavy weight.

Just block her out of your mind.....whatever it takes.....Close social media, distance mutual friends, don't go where she might ne.

We all mess up after a breakup but nothing is impossible to turn around

 

[Skalioppe]

61 days NC, here's a frank post about my NC so far....

Ok, so I've done the original poster's challenge of 60 days. How do I feel two months on? Well there have been moments along the way where I've felt good, resolute and strong, and there have been weak moments where I've been very tempted to contact her to see if she was OK (you see, my ex is bipolar and does reach extreme depressive lows). Fortunately I haven't.

She contacted me twice during this period and I ignored both, once about a week in, then about a month in. She sounded very sad about it all both times, and if I'm honest, it did make me feel great for about 3 days before it wore off. It was the validation that I had left a vacuum in her life which I once filled and that she was hurting too, in her case possible more so. I have felt a bit sad that she gave up trying to contact me, but it's understandable given I've ignored her. It must be quite humiliating for a women who used to have you on tap now getting ignored and stone-walled with silence. I suppose they just accept the situation with sadness and carry on.

Am I fully cured? Honestly? No. It hasn't been the magic bullet fix and strangely, I've wanted to contact her quite a lot this last week in particular, but on average I think the intensity of the yearning has become much much less. Most of all I think my thoughts about everything, particularly "us", have become far more balanced and rational.

Sixty days has made me consider her pros and cons more objectively and where things went wrong. So although she can be fvcked up, my NC period has made me reassess things in a clearer light. My ex is a very sweet person and a lot of the blame as to why we aren't together lay in my hands - as I wouldn't commit to something really serious. It was very much on my terms and very much a hedonistic "take it when I wanted it, leave it when I didn't". I think all she wanted was security. Yet my ex was very self absorbed and skewed by her bipolar condition. As is typical of women she wanted to talk about herself, her needs and her woes far more frequently than a balance should be and she could be fickle as fvck. One minute doting, affectionate, sexual as hell, the next distant, illogical or over-thinking some trivial thing I did or didn't do.

I think in my situation I often question whether or not a friendship outweighs complete loss, you see we were very close before hooking up and in many ways I miss that friendship a great deal. But by the opposite token, I think she needs a huge amount of emotional support and becoming that role again is a massive burden, especially if coupled with her being in another guy's castle - i.e. all the hassle and none of the benefits - fvck that. Some might say these thoughts sounds weak, and if it were at the start of NC I would totally agree, but I know this is a far more rational thought now, a lot clearer, logical and consolidated through NC, that I can totally guarantee. Not marred by manipulation or control sullied by the addictive cycle of contact. But for me contacting her again is a double edged sword and in many ways total separation could be the lesser of two evils, so I think I'll stick with NC right now.

So, do I recommend trying to reach 60 days? Yes! I think it's actually quite a cathartic experience and it does rebuild many damaged aspects that you are feeling from the early days of NC. It allows you to focus on you and the repair of you, and also prevents you from becoming a crutch to your ex whilst she looks for other c0ck. You see, a lot of women need male support in their lives (especially in-between relationships) and will manipulate men (often consciously but also I believe unconsciously) to get that. It bolsters their fragile fvcked up emotional egos, knowing someone out there - perhaps other than their significant other - supports them, obsesses about them, considers them the Princess they think they should be or is there at the drop of a hat or with a little girlie voiced flirty request. Unlike men, who are governed by a logical persuasion in the decision making department, woman are slave to emotions and are lost when you remove yourself from that emotional knight in shining armour support role in their life - I truly believe it can send cataclysmic shock waves through their psyche. I'm a firm believer NC can trigger the one thing in their mind that they listen to - their emotions - and they are forced to reflect on what you meant to them in a far more profound way. Through losing you, they finally realise your true value to them. The old saying "you only appreciate someone's worth when they are gone" is as true a statement as you'll ever hear. Yes, NC may not help you and your ex get back together, but your true value to her will finally be palpable, and you'll both realise that through the NC process.

Just my penny's worth. Keep up the NC!

 

[drellum]

61 days NC, here's a frank post about my NC so far....

Ok, so I've done the original poster's challenge of 60 days. How do I feel two months on? Well there have been moments along the way where I've felt good, resolute and strong, and there have been weak moments where I've been very tempted to contact her to see if she was OK (you see, my ex is bipolar and does reach extreme depressive lows). Fortunately I haven't.

She contacted me twice during this period and I ignored both, once about a week in, then about a month in. She sounded very sad about it all both times, and if I'm honest, it did make me feel great for about 3 days before it wore off. It was the validation that I had left a vacuum in her life which I once filled and that she was hurting too, in her case possible more so. I have felt a bit sad that she gave up trying to contact me, but it's understandable given I've ignored her. It must be quite humiliating for a women who used to have you on tap now getting ignored and stone-walled with silence. I suppose they just accept the situation with sadness and carry on.

Am I fully cured? Honestly? No. It hasn't been the magic bullet fix and strangely, I've wanted to contact her quite a lot this last week in particular, but on average I think the intensity of the yearning has become much much less. Most of all I think my thoughts about everything, particularly "us", have become far more balanced and rational.

Sixty days has made me consider her pros and cons more objectively and where things went wrong. So although she can be fvcked up, my NC period has made me reassess things in a clearer light. My ex is a very sweet person and a lot of the blame as to why we aren't together lay in my hands - as I wouldn't commit to something really serious. It was very much on my terms and very much a hedonistic "take it when I wanted it, leave it when I didn't". I think all she wanted was security. Yet my ex was very self absorbed and skewed by her bipolar condition. As is typical of women she wanted to talk about herself, her needs and her woes far more frequently than a balance should be and she could be fickle as fvck. One minute doting, affectionate, sexual as hell, the next distant, illogical or over-thinking some trivial thing I did or didn't do.

I think in my situation I often question whether or not a friendship outweighs complete loss, you see we were very close before hooking up and in many ways I miss that friendship a great deal. But by the opposite token, I think she needs a huge amount of emotional support and becoming that role again is a massive burden, especially if coupled with her being in another guy's castle - i.e. all the hassle and none of the benefits - fvck that. Some might say these thoughts sounds weak, and if it were at the start of NC I would totally agree, but I know this is a far more rational thought now, a lot clearer, logical and consolidated through NC, that I can totally guarantee. Not marred by manipulation or control sullied by the addictive cycle of contact. But for me contacting her again is a double edged sword and in many ways total separation could be the lesser of two evils, so I think I'll stick with NC right now.

So, do I recommend trying to reach 60 days? Yes! I think it's actually quite a cathartic experience and it does rebuild many damaged aspects that you are feeling from the early days of NC. It allows you to focus on you and the repair of you, and also prevents you from becoming a crutch to your ex whilst she looks for other c0ck. You see, a lot of women need male support in their lives (especially in-between relationships) and will manipulate men (often consciously but also I believe unconsciously) to get that. It bolsters their fragile fvcked up emotional egos, knowing someone out there - perhaps other than their significant other - supports them, obsesses about them, considers them the Princess they think they should be or is there at the drop of a hat or with a little girlie voiced flirty request. Unlike men, who are governed by a logical persuasion in the decision making department, woman are slave to emotions and are lost when you remove yourself from that emotional knight in shining armour support role in their life - I truly believe it can send cataclysmic shock waves through their psyche. I'm a firm believer NC can trigger the one thing in their mind that they listen to - their emotions - and they are forced to reflect on what you meant to them in a far more profound way. Through losing you, they finally realise your true value to them. The old saying "you only appreciate someone's worth when they are gone" is as true a statement as you'll ever hear. Yes, NC may not help you and your ex get back together, but your true value to her will finally be palpable, and you'll both realise that through the NC process.

Just my penny's worth. Keep up the NC!

Good post man! Well done for sticking with it.

I found that things only got easier after the 60 day mark (although I did briefly break it).

I think the main problem with NC is when a specific time period is put on it because you then focus on a cross on a calendar. Fact is, there should be no deadline until you've moved on/healed/got over her.....and then why would you want to contact her anyway?

D

 

[headFirst]

Hey guys.. need some support. I've been in NC for about a month now.. I broke it the first time and didn't work out too well.. I've been doing good for a while but now that I'm almost done with my summer intern in Cali, I'll be heading back home to the midwest in another 2 weeks. It's been on my mind off and on thinking about contacting her when I get back.. as I will be right around the 60 day mark of no contact. My birthday did just past and she didn't say anything.. And I know I did a lot for her bday back in May..

Here was my originally thread if you care to read:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=195118

Any suggestion to stay strong?

I was really good for a while until now that I know I'm going back home.

 

[Cyclops1982]

NC DAY 20:
It's always up and down, but the amplitudes are considerably lower now. In fact, when keeping busy and doing stuff, NC is quite easy and I can almost feel like normal, or even quite good. As long as I don't see or hear anything about her, that is. Motivation was the hardest thing to find though until I found the cure. Getting laid. Stupidly simple, but amazingly effective. It's not a full cure - but it really is amazing what kind of a boost this is to your self-esteem, self-belief and generally a big "get over it" shot-in-the-arm. I can't recommend it highly enough to anyone else going through this. Maybe I got lucky.
One thing surprises me though... if anything I'm actually angrier than I was a week ago. Pretty darn angry. But much less miserable.
40 days to go...

 

[Cyclops1982]

headFirst-
Keep going, brother. Just take each day as it comes, but keep those days BUSY. If you're going back home, plan what you're going to do, who you're going to see. Make it a ram-packed schedule of awesome so there's just no time to dwell. See those people you never see, do those things you never got round to doing. You won't regret it.

 

[Cyclops1982]

Skalioppe - thanks for your awesome last post (61 Days). So inspiring, it really gives us early dayers (only third way through on second attempt) something to aim for. Sounds so clear and rational and balanced, I can't wait to get to that point. There's hope!

 

[Skalioppe]

Skalioppe - thanks for your awesome last post (61 Days). So inspiring, it really gives us early dayers (only third way through on second attempt) something to aim for. Sounds so clear and rational and balanced, I can't wait to get to that point. There's hope!

You can do it, if you think strong and don't fall foul to temptation. I think 60 days is a good milestone, enough time to get over the worst of the pain and irrational behaviour you may have due to it. On another note, it is also a nice amount of time for your disappearance to have made its stamp in the mind of your ex - perhaps not to get her back, but your worth to her will be tangible.

 

[drellum]

I think 60 days is a good milestone, enough time to get over the worst of the pain and irrational behaviour you may have due to it. On another note, it is also a nice amount of time for your disappearance to have made its stamp in the mind of your ex - perhaps not to get her back, but your worth to her will be tangible.

This is true!

I did 2 months of NC after breakup.

I then stupidly "pushed the door open" a little to test the water.
since then, 2 months ago I went NC again....this time I closed facebook, distanced mutual friends...completely disappeared. Out of the blue, the other day somebody told me that the ex had been asking about me.
Before this would have me wondering if I should ease up - now it makes me more determined.

I still believe that my 4 months (with 1 break) is still VERY early days and 6 months will be a minimum before she would contact.

What I will say that after all of this time - if she does contact - I probably wouldn't take her back anyway, but that's the beauty of NC, it makes you realise that there is life beyond the ex.

D

 

[trulycrushed]

Day #20 and feeling really great. I went out last night and ran into my ex's previous BF who had warned me about a year ago that she would end up breaking my heart. Last night we both kind of had this knowing look. Realized that her behavior will never change and that I was just another number to her. Anyway, looking forward to not only the next 40 days, but however many days I have left in this life. She wants me out of her life, well now she gets what she wants. Have a great weekend everyone!

 

[Reptile]

Hey guys,

Quick question:
When I told my ex about 2 months ago that we're not gonna have any contact (NC), she asked "... but you will contact me sometime?" and I was stupid and said "Yes. Someday."
But I didn't mention WHEN, so, should I contact her soon and clear it up that I maybe not even gonna contact her in the future?

She's having a rebound with a guy from her workplace,
so she probably won't even contact me and I don't wanna get involved.

 

[Reptile]

Thank God for outside opinions, that is why we come here. Our OWN thinking gets clouded.

Reptile, you are simply looking for a reason to contact her! Trying to convince yourself of a good reason. So clear to me, but not to you. I've done the same.

Listen, you are actually asking us "I have gone non-contact.....but told her earlier that I may contact her someday....so should I contact her to clarify I won't be contacting her at all in the future?" Can you see how F4cked up this is? Good thing we have the brothas here watching our backs, because our own thinking and judgement gets so clouded.

DO NOT DO WHAT YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING

Believe me when I say it: I do NOT wanna hang out with her when she got her new bf.
I'm just not sure what the future holds, so I don't say No to her forever.. but if she wants back in a year or two, she have to really mean it and fight for it.

But you are right, and I did wrote it here to get anothers view of this.
I don't wanna contact her, I just wanted to make it clear and not lying.
Although after we broke up, I found out she've been lying straight to my face several times.

So yeah, it's not worth it, I'll stick to NC. Thanks man!

 

[Albatross953]

Three weeks N.C., blocked her on fb, and a mutual female friend who just loves to bait me with her just posted a photo of her at a party last night. That hurts! Gotta block that other girl too!! Damn

 

[drellum]

LOL, yeah they stick together like sh8t to an army blanket. After I broke up with my ex, her and her friends just hit the bars,m posting pics on FB (of which I was friends with them, so I could see) "Oh we are having so much fun, where are the men? Next bar".
Like little kids, they are. Wee children. I toasted all her friends off my FB after that stunt, hoping she would get the hint. So, a week later, she re-initiates contact and we are "back on" for a few days, then back to the games. I see now it is ALL a control issue.

It's easier to close FB. Come back to it when you don't care anymore.

I did that and I know that it frustrated the ex. She now has to ask mutual friends about me!

 

[drellum]

Hey guys,

Quick question:
When I told my ex about 2 months ago that we're not gonna have any contact (NC), she asked "... but you will contact me sometime?" and I was stupid and said "Yes. Someday."
But I didn't mention WHEN, so, should I contact her soon and clear it up that I maybe not even gonna contact her in the future?

She's having a rebound with a guy from her workplace,
so she probably won't even contact me and I don't wanna get involved.

Don't ever contact her again.

If she wants to speak to you in the future about reconciliation she will do so.
If that day ever comes - fine, if you then want that - fine.

If she doesn't, stay NC because there is nothing left to talk about!

D

 

[Sofomore]

The pit in my stomach over the last two weeks was right- she broke up with me. Starting NC as of now.

 

[Reptile]

Don't ever contact her again.

If she wants to speak to you in the future about reconciliation she will do so.
If that day ever comes - fine, if you then want that - fine.

If she doesn't, stay NC because there is nothing left to talk about!

D

I understand what you say, and it makes sence.

But I got a really big problem,
we where planning to move in together. She got a fulltime job AND an apartment.
I got no fulltime job in like 8-9 months and couldn't move in.
My futureplans where destroyed, my lifeplans of moving in, share the apartment, the food, everything.

Now she is gone, I still have no job and start to losing motivation to search more because I never get any.
We are both 21, I still live with my parents and she got her own apartment and a job.
I wanna be a part of that life, with her.

Now she is dating an older guy from her work and I'm afraid they are gonna move in together someday...
simply because they both have the money.

Help me out please, I like going out with my friends on the weekends and live my singlelife,
but these RL-problems is still there and I lost motivation to my future.

 

[dbx]

NC day 2.

We had pretty much planned the breakup, but she seemed like she wanted to make things difficult for me. I wanted to say goodbye nicely and walk away with closure - she knew this and it seems she wanted to try stop me feeling that.

Got fed up with it yesterday - she wouldn't talk on the phone to say bye and just kept being a bit of a *****, so I just stopped texting back. Her last message said she didn't know why I wanted to drag things out, so how about that for not dragging it out?

She hasn't tried to contact me but is constantly checking my online status. She also posted a whole bunch of pictures on Facebook, so I removed her from my feed.

Absolutely adore her, but think this is for the best.


Would like to tell her I'm walking away - simply because if she did this to me it would be the nastiest thing she could ever do. Really can't think of anything worse!

Should I keep nc or let her know I'm leaving her life?

Genuinely it would be so that I'm not hurting her. Is one text or email so bad for that reason?