Day 12. My first post here, so I suppose I should be polite and give some background, apologies if you think it's long but what the hell....
We've been on and off LDR for 2 years - the distance and the fact she's bipolar played havoc with things, but we have a strong connection and end up back with each other time and time again. We split a while back but stayed in contact pretty much continually, we care a great deal for each other, always will, but I can't help feeling I've become her crutch / counsel in lieu of something serious. I blame myself to some degree as I wasn't prepared to commit something serious when I had the opportunity, without one of us moving closer.
In April she kept asking me to go away for a short break with her in May, but I was really busy with a full diary. Anyway, during May she stopped contacting me as frequently as she used to.
At the end of May I called her and guessing she's met someone I asked her outright, which she confirmed - she'd started seeing someone. Later that day I said I was taking a sabbatical from her to try to heal my jealous sadness and to move on, it was done as considerately as candidly as possible and not too soppy or sad, but I explained it was to help me - I even tried to add something funny at the end to soften the blow. I added some justification like I felt like her counsel, and probably wasn't the best person for it as I'd get upset when she was, explaining it was something she should really discuss with her new guy. I also mentioned she hadn't contacted much and we'd seen little of each other too anyway. In any respect the email was kind of NC but more for me something more final. It hurt like hell, but I knew I needed to do it. I couldn't bear to hear her jolly knowing it was due to the excitement of a new man.
I think her suggesting we go away was a last chance for us before she decided to start seeing the new guy, it seemed too coincidental.
A week after my NC / EOC email, she emailed me saying she's in a bad way. She said she was distraught, numb, miserable, anxious, very upset and sad but she understood why I was doing it, but she wrote a lot on how bad a state she was in, probably trying to get me to reply in my usual stalwart caring role. She is a musician (singer) and said she had to do a performance shortly after my revelation and how hard it was as she felt terrible and empty and was hypercritical on her (usually amazing) performance. She explained she may need to go back to her Doctors for meds, because she felt so low, and apologised that she hadn't been in contact much lately and referred to me as her special one. I sensed the whole email was a cry for help but I didn't reply, although I was saddened to hear her woes (I care, I can't help it) I felt happy she'd contacted me upset. Weird huh?
I do worry about her, as she can be very fragile in her depressive anxious bipolar cycles, but this has to be done. I've embraced NC and removed emails, pics, we aren't Facebook friends, etc.
I know she's shocked by this, but I wonder how she felt by me not replying and if she misses me or the new relationship energy is keeping her distracted? I'd love to hear any of your opinions on things?
I felt crappy today... It feels like someone I know has died.
