Wife goes to Club/Bar

[STR8UP]

Cesare.....it has nothing to do with how this all started, and EVERYTHING to do with the guy's gut feeling telling him something is wrong.

I have had this happen to me twice and BOTH times "my" chick was off doing inappropriate things with another man.

Tonight a married chick just left my place about 30 minutes ago (it is now 5am) and was headed to my buddy's house. Earlier in the night she got upset cause my buddy was talking to another girl. She is MARRIED to someone else, yet she is out at 5am getting pissed off that another guy is getting attention from another girl.

See a pattern here?

Oh yea. And the ONE time that I was in a committed relationship where I didn't go home at night I was messing around with another chick. It was a retaliatory thing, cause this particular g/f had cheated on me.

Point is, if you are in a committed relationship and you get pissed at something and don't come home until 5 am.....there is a 99% chance that you are fukking around on your S.O.

The 1% odds that she ISN'T doing something that is sexually inappropriate is negated by the fact that SHE KNOWS that despite what she was doing at 5am, it was entirely inappropriate for her to even be out that late and the other party KNOWS it.

She's either fukking someone else or getting herself primed to fukk someone else. I stand by that statement 100%.

 

[ZenGodMod]

Cesare.....it has nothing to do with how this all started, and EVERYTHING to do with the guy's gut feeling telling him something is wrong.

I have had this happen to me twice and BOTH times "my" chick was off doing inappropriate things with another man.

Tonight a married chick just left my place about 30 minutes ago (it is now 5am) and was headed to my buddy's house. Earlier in the night she got upset cause my buddy was talking to another girl. She is MARRIED to someone else, yet she is out at 5am getting pissed off that another guy is getting attention from another girl.

See a pattern here?

Oh yea. And the ONE time that I was in a committed relationship where I didn't go home at night I was messing around with another chick. It was a retaliatory thing, cause this particular g/f had cheated on me.

Point is, if you are in a committed relationship and you get pissed at something and don't come home until 5 am.....there is a 99% chance that you are fukking around on your S.O.

The 1% odds that she ISN'T doing something that is sexually inappropriate is negated by the fact that SHE KNOWS that despite what she was doing at 5am, it was entirely inappropriate for her to even be out that late and the other party KNOWS it.

She's either fukking someone else or getting herself primed to fukk someone else. I stand by that statement 100%.

Once bitten twice shy!

There is no certainty, other then what he knows and what she has told. Which is uncertain.

If she did cheat on him, he should definately drop her.

Stop pushing him into believing something because of your experience and gut feeling. Which by the way won't stink in court. Stop arriving to conclusions that has not fact other then you stand by it 100%. You'll end up making him angry at her because your well respected here in the forum, which is ill advised and will work against him. He'll need have an open eye and mind, prepare for the worst but not conclude so till the facts are clear. Evident enough to take to court. Not some gut feeling and historical pattern data.
I stand by this 100%.

 

[drmeathead]

i am late to jump in on this but here is my two cents for what it is worth...

raising a kid is tough.the job you have requires you to punch in and out and you know your hours. raising a kid is different as you are never really off the clock. this wife of yours probably felt unappriciated and then when you called her lazy you hit a nerve.

i dont think she started a fight over coffee because she knew people were going out. i do think she went to class and *****ed about you. someone told her she deserves/needs a night out on the town since her ******* husband doesnt take her out anymore. she probably got a high five of sorts when he told everyone she called you to tell you she was going out.

her calls to you were fueled by the booze. the liqour super charged her emotions. i am guessing the voicemails (she left some rgiht) ranged from angry at you to overly happy and optimistic that you would work it out to depressing and sad hinging on anger again. i am sure that she reported the fact you didnt answer to the group and they just kept fueling her drink.

this josh fellow smelled blood in the water and made a move. she went along with it. i dont know what else happened at this guys house but she admitted to the kiss to let off some of the guilty pressure building up inside. in the next few days you may get a bomb dropped on you that she ****ed him. you may not. it sucks.

the important thing to remember here is that she didnt do any of this at gun point. whether she planned to go out or was talked into going out, it doesnt matter. the bottom line is she went out got drunk, went to another mans place, acted in a manner that he felt it was ok to "go for it" and (attempted to?) kiss her. that is so far from proper behavior in a marriage.

the question is what to do about it? i dont know. it depends on how you feel about her. some guys would knock the **** out of a woman for doing this, others would leave on the spot. while i dont think either is proper here, i do think you need to start protecting yourself by documenting her actions. i also think you need to find a way to start protecting your money. incorporate yourself perhaps. certainly start your own bank account that she doesnt have access to. at the very least, if she is cheating, she wont be doing it on your dime. pre-empt this by telling her you want to make things work and will start doing the grocery shopping. that was she has no real need for your money.

i dont know man. if you leave her. she will get the kid and most of your money. if you dont leave, she may cheat. if it doesnt bother you because you dont care about her anymore, i say stay. dont ever address her ***** ways. just dont fund them. let her come and go as she pleases and you just wait and document till the time is right. sort of like andy dufrane in the shawshank redemption.

 

[cordoncordon]

i am late to jump in on this but here is my two cents for what it is worth...

raising a kid is tough.the job you have requires you to punch in and out and you know your hours. raising a kid is different as you are never really off the clock. this wife of yours probably felt unappriciated and then when you called her lazy you hit a nerve.

i dont think she started a fight over coffee because she knew people were going out. i do think she went to class and *****ed about you. someone told her she deserves/needs a night out on the town since her ******* husband doesnt take her out anymore. she probably got a high five of sorts when he told everyone she called you to tell you she was going out.

her calls to you were fueled by the booze. the liqour super charged her emotions. i am guessing the voicemails (she left some rgiht) ranged from angry at you to overly happy and optimistic that you would work it out to depressing and sad hinging on anger again. i am sure that she reported the fact you didnt answer to the group and they just kept fueling her drink.

this josh fellow smelled blood in the water and made a move. she went along with it. i dont know what else happened at this guys house but she admitted to the kiss to let off some of the guilty pressure building up inside. in the next few days you may get a bomb dropped on you that she ****ed him. you may not. it sucks.

the important thing to remember here is that she didnt do any of this at gun point. whether she planned to go out or was talked into going out, it doesnt matter. the bottom line is she went out got drunk, went to another mans place, acted in a manner that he felt it was ok to "go for it" and (attempted to?) kiss her. that is so far from proper behavior in a marriage.

the question is what to do about it? i dont know. it depends on how you feel about her. some guys would knock the **** out of a woman for doing this, others would leave on the spot. while i dont think either is proper here, i do think you need to start protecting yourself by documenting her actions. i also think you need to find a way to start protecting your money. incorporate yourself perhaps. certainly start your own bank account that she doesnt have access to. at the very least, if she is cheating, she wont be doing it on your dime. pre-empt this by telling her you want to make things work and will start doing the grocery shopping. that was she has no real need for your money.

i dont know man. if you leave her. she will get the kid and most of your money. if you dont leave, she may cheat. if it doesnt bother you because you dont care about her anymore, i say stay. dont ever address her ***** ways. just dont fund them. let her come and go as she pleases and you just wait and document till the time is right. sort of like andy dufrane in the shawshank redemption.

To the good Doctor of Meats....

I don't believe the OP said anything about there being a kiss, an attempted kiss, or even an imagined kiss.

There was no kiss kiss as far as we know.

I am highly skeptical that she even went to the bar. I think there is a strong possibility she was over at a girlfriends talking about the OP all night and just made that up to make him jealous.

And just to add, if you did call your wife lazy, after she was pregnant for 9 months and for the last 6 has been taking care of the little one........WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? Not smart my man.

 

[drmeathead]

i got a kiss from somewhere...one of the other posters antecdotes perhaps...my error

 

[cordoncordon]

i got a kiss from somewhere...one of the other posters antecdotes perhaps...my error

I'm surprised you didn't pick up that the wife was in an orgy with the entire class followed up by a tea bagging session with the instructor considering what some of these posters are making up in their minds about what happened that night.

 

[Nighthawk]

In my opinion

1. She got pregnant after three months while on the pill? What happened there? Are you what one might call a 'good provider' by any chance?

2. She instigated the argument because there was something planned - Josh or friends night out with options open I don't know.

3. She should've came home, and if the situation was reversed she wouldn't be happy. But it's not a slam-dunk she slept with Josh or anyone else.

4. Maybe she has her baby now, misses the single life, and expect more arguments over nothing resulting in booze and club-fun.

5. Maybe the key-logger isn't such a bad idea.

 

[STR8UP]

I am highly skeptical that she even went to the bar. I think there is a strong possibility she was over at a girlfriends talking about the OP all night and just made that up to make him jealous.

Women don't get jealous. Women get EVEN.

He pissed her off, right or wrong, and she went and did something COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER, and shows up at the doorstep at 5 am with a "story". The last time this happened to me I did something that my girl had every right to get pissed at me for. But that was NO EXCUSE for her sneaking around behind my back at all hours of the night. NO EXCUSE. She ADMITTED to being at some dude's house till 5am watching a movie when she was supposed to be at MY PLACE, admitted to him kissing her, and TO THE END WHE DENIED HAVING DONE ANYTHING WRONG!

She was NOT at her girlfriends house.

Notice how I gave the benefit of the doubt until the OP mentioned she came back at 5am?

Let me break down a few things for you....

Let's see: Wife came home after 5am. I tried to remain as cool as possible. I was feeding the baby when she got home. She was saying how she was mad at me.

She's out till 5 am and she comes home pointing fingers? GUILTY.

She told me she went with a group. Everybody got drunk and they all crashed at someone's place around 2:30am but she didn't come home right away because she was feeling too drunk so she waited out at that house until 5am.

Classic. I wish I could get away with the kind of sh!t you guys want to see a married woman get away with just by saying "Ooops, I was too drunk so I had to stay at my coworker's house".....

This morning, I checked her phone and it looked like the person she went out with is called Josh...

How convenient! She goes out with a MALE coworker, goes to his house to sleep off a buzz, and returns at 5 am.

Yea, she was "at her girlfriend's house trying to make him jealous", and she even went so far as to put a fake number in her phone under the name "Josh".

 

[STR8UP]

In my opinion

1. She got pregnant after three months while on the pill? What happened there? Are you what one might call a 'good provider' by any chance?

2. She instigated the argument because there was something planned - Josh or friends night out with options open I don't know.

3. She should've came home, and if the situation was reversed she wouldn't be happy. But it's not a slam-dunk she slept with Josh or anyone else.

4. Maybe she has her baby now, misses the single life, and expect more arguments over nothing resulting in booze and club-fun.

5. Maybe the key-logger isn't such a bad idea.

 

[STR8UP]

Now here is a little bit of history between my wife and I.
When I met her she was a yoga instructor. I took her class and we ended talking for a while and then we went for motorcycle ride. From that point on every time we met things were great. There wasn’t any games things were just great. Six months later we found out she got pregnant (she was on the pill). Three months later we were married at the court house. We haven’t had an actual wedding celebration yet for lack of money.

Hmmm......he married he in the first place to make the baby "legit".....niiiiiice.....

 

[cordoncordon]

Women don't get jealous. Women get EVEN.

He pissed her off, right or wrong, and she went and did something COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER, and shows up at the doorstep at 5 am with a "story". The last time this happened to me I did something that my girl had every right to get pissed at me for. But that was NO EXCUSE for her sneaking around behind my back at all hours of the night. NO EXCUSE. She ADMITTED to being at some dude's house till 5am watching a movie when she was supposed to be at MY PLACE, admitted to him kissing her, and TO THE END WHE DENIED HAVING DONE ANYTHING WRONG!

She was NOT at her girlfriends house.

Notice how I gave the benefit of the doubt until the OP mentioned she came back at 5am?

Let me break down a few things for you....



She's out till 5 am and she comes home pointing fingers? GUILTY.



Classic. I wish I could get away with the kind of sh!t you guys want to see a married woman get away with just by saying "Ooops, I was too drunk so I had to stay at my coworker's house".....



How convenient! She goes out with a MALE coworker, goes to his house to sleep off a buzz, and returns at 5 am.

Yea, she was "at her girlfriend's house trying to make him jealous", and she even went so far as to put a fake number in her phone under the name "Josh".

No I'm not saying she put a fake phone number in her phone. We have established that Josh is in her class, so that would be one reason to have the number in there or for her to have called him. Maybe to ask a question about class, maybe to set up a date, maybe to find out where everyone is hanging after class...who knows. We don't know at what time the phone call took place either.

I'm not saying she was over at a gf's for sure. I'm saying it's a possibility. I just know human nature. And most people when they get into a huge fight with a bf, gf, or spouse, don't that night want to go out and F someone else unless they are a total sociopath. Most of the time, they are angry, depressed, worried, and feel like talking about it. Most likely with a friend or family member. OR..maybe with her fellow classmates!

I think very highly of you str8up but at the same time I do know that 99% of your posts the past year have been negative about women in some vain or another. You are obviously harboring some ill will towards them right now, so of course your view of this situation will be in the most negative light that you can imagine. It's fine.


But at the same time a marriage and family is at stake here and for people to make huge assumptions that she was out banging this dude when we have 0 proof of that is in my mind at best presumptuous, and at worst sadistic and cruel to the OP and his family.

 

[logic1]

My take

Her actions are not acceptable, she made some wrong decisions and might actually realize it. No one knows.

My senerio, Her calling was maybe to check on the 5 month old baby. Anybody ever thought of that??? and try and have a little chat with hubby. I think egos got in the way. No chat so she starts to get drunk.

Now what do you think happens if she comes home drunk at 1:00am??? I think she knows how hubby is going to react, which he has every right to, but maybe she knows his history on trying to settle a dispute. Maybe she knows an all out war will follow because of her being drunk and the father going ballistic? So she knows she made a big mistake and wants to sober up before she has to meet the husband and explain her actions.

I'm not taking up for her but sometimes we dont know the whole story.

Maybe she knows enough to stay away after a big screw up like that until things calm down and everyone has a sober mind. I.E. clear heads

Just a thought.

But Josh needs to be investigated with stealth

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Hey Guys,

I didn't read that there was a kiss. If there was then my opinion would be more negative than what I've been posting.

STR8UP: I think it's important to not bring our own negative experiences (which we are certain about) and translate them into this experience where we know little or nothing. I too have had experiences where I've fooled around with married women or have had buddies do so, but it doesn't mean that this girl was necessarily doing that. It's more likely that she went out with a group and most of the time when you have a group of chicks there are always guys hovering around and that's what I think Josh was doing. I could be wrong, but I don't think we should tell this guy that 100% she's inappropriate, cheating, and a bad mother with no integrity. LOL. That's pushing it.

Cesare Cardinali

 

[cordoncordon]

Hey Guys,

I didn't read that there was a kiss. If there was then my opinion would be more negative than what I've been posting.

STR8UP: I think it's important to not bring our own negative experiences (which we are certain about) and translate them into this experience where we know little or nothing. I too have had experiences where I've fooled around with married women or have had buddies do so, but it doesn't mean that this girl was necessarily doing that. It's more likely that she went out with a group and most of the time when you have a group of chicks there are always guys hovering around and that's what I think Josh was doing. I could be wrong, but I don't think we should tell this guy that 100% she's inappropriate, cheating, and a bad mother with no integrity. LOL. That's pushing it.

Cesare Cardinali

There was no kiss kiss that we know of.

 

[STR8UP]

I am NOT looking at this "negatively". I am looking at this from the perspective of a man who has had it happen to him FIRSTHAND and watched others go through it as well. I am speculating as to what happened, of course, but I have never seen this play out any other way.

I'm not saying this guy needs to divorce his wife tomorrow, but Latinoman and others have given solid advice. Her behavior needs to be documented from this point on. I got the "smoking gun" on my ex using a keylogger. Watch EVERYTHING she does and don't let her suspect that you are up to anything cause then she will bury it even deeper.

I remember when i was going through this the last time, I was trying to rationalize my g/f's behavior and it was PITITFUL. "Oh, I can understand why she might be hanging out with him at 3am....he works in a restaurant and doesn't get off work until midnite". I CRINGE just thinking about it. I wish my buddy would have slapped me upside the head.

That was the last straw for me. Having seen this "beginning of the end" scenario play out PERSONALLY more than once and with other people as well, I refuse to give the benefit of the doubt in this kind of situation.

I mean people, cmon....SHE HAS A NEWBORN BABY AT HOME!

Think about this for a second. A woman would NOT leave her newborn at home while she's sleeping off a buzz unless she has or is looking to secure another source of intimacy.

Like I said, this hits even closer to home because i was WITH a married chick last night who my buddy has been messing with (and finally had sex with last weekend) for awhile. She left my place at 4:30-5am headed to my buddy's house, and she has a baby at home herself.

If this ever happens to any of you and you decide to blow it off and it comes back to bite you in the ass, don't say I didn't warn you.

 

[cordoncordon]

I am NOT looking at this "negatively". I am looking at this from the perspective of a man who has had it happen to him FIRSTHAND and watched others go through it as well. I am speculating as to what happened, of course, but I have never seen this play out any other way.

I'm not saying this guy needs to divorce his wife tomorrow, but Latinoman and others have given solid advice. Her behavior needs to be documented from this point on. I got the "smoking gun" on my ex using a keylogger. Watch EVERYTHING she does and don't let her suspect that you are up to anything cause then she will bury it even deeper.

I remember when i was going through this the last time, I was trying to rationalize my g/f's behavior and it was PITITFUL. "Oh, I can understand why she might be hanging out with him at 3am....he works in a restaurant and doesn't get off work until midnite". I CRINGE just thinking about it. I wish my buddy would have slapped me upside the head.

That was the last straw for me. Having seen this "beginning of the end" scenario play out PERSONALLY more than once and with other people as well, I refuse to give the benefit of the doubt in this kind of situation.

I mean people, cmon....SHE HAS A NEWBORN BABY AT HOME!

Think about this for a second. A woman would NOT leave her newborn at home while she's sleeping off a buzz unless she has or is looking to secure another source of intimacy.

Like I said, this hits even closer to home because i was WITH a married chick last night who my buddy has been messing with (and finally had sex with last weekend) for awhile. She left my place at 4:30-5am headed to my buddy's house, and she has a baby at home herself.

If this ever happens to any of you and you decide to blow it off and it comes back to bite you in the ass, don't say I didn't warn you.

The difference being between your situations and this one though is:

1. They had gotten in a fight earlier that day so she at least in her mind had a reason to stay away. Not saying it is right just her justification.

2. She WAS calling him to talk. He was just ignoring her. This whole mess could have been avoided if he had just picked up the phone. Not picking up the phone when she knew he was there was childish imo, especially when a child is involved.

3. She wasn't hiding who she was with or where she was, unlike your situation where she just never came home and you had no idea where and lied about it after.

 

[Mr. Me]

Experience and instinct are good to have. This woman is exhitibng CLASSIC signs of infidelity. She may or may not be cheating (but time will tell), but the signs are sure there, so let's not fault Str8tUp for recognizing them, as others have, based on our own personal experiences and that of others'.

You can google what these signs are. Or go to a site like survivinginfidelity com and read the experiences there and see the commonality among them.

Most guys do what OP is doing when they see the signs: rationalizing the signs away.

Instead of trying to rationalize out how she may have been innocent, let's just zero in on a couple of key factors in her behavior that are unacceptable, whether she's cheating or not (And even if she's not, she's sure on the path to it anyway):

1. She's the mother of a newborn. And she's out drinking till 5 AM. That's not what a new mother ought to be doing.

2. She's got men's numbers on her cell phone and goes to their home - men her husband hasn't been told about nor met. That makes for a secret life she's leading and you would think a woman who loves and respects her man is up front with him about what she does outside of the house, lest he get the wrong idea.

Only someone with something to hide hides something.

So... hmmm... what ELSE hasn't she mentioned to her husband?

 

[STR8UP]

Experience and instinct are good to have. This woman is exhitibng CLASSIC signs of infidelity. She may or may not be cheating (but time will tell), but the signs are sure there, so let's not fault Str8tUp for recognizing them, as others have, based on our own personal experiences and that of others'.

Assuming this woman isn't mental or simply an unfit mother, the ONLY thing in this entire world that would keep her away from her baby all night is another man. That's the ONLY thing. Aside from an accident or emergency, of course. It's sad, but trust me, it's true.

Now if she had a history of neglecting her motherly duties, i might not be so critical. But assuming this is the first time, I would bet dollars to donuts that she was "intimate" in some way with another man.

Most guys do what OP is doing when they see the signs: rationalizing the signs away.

Which I did, and so did my friends who have been through the same thing. And every single time the end result was the same- when the woman is out until all hours of the morning SHE WAS WITH ANOTHER MAN.

Is there a slight possibility that she simply had a momentary lapse of good judgment? 1 in 100.

Either way, if my wife and mother of my child pulled something like this, I would IMMEDIATELY go into investigative mode, and as soon as I saw ONE MORE SIGN or as soon as I had proof she was up to no good, that would be it.

1. She's the mother of a newborn. And she's out drinking till 5 AM. That's not what a new mother ought to be doing.

Like I said, there is only ONE thing that would keep a normal, sane woman away from her baby in the middle of the night, and that is the attention of another man.

This is ABSOLUTELY CLASSIC. When a woman feels "unappreciated" she seeks to fill that void outside of her relationship. When she makes a stink of it, goes out with people hubby doesn't know, and shows up at 5am with daddy sitting in the living room feeding her flesh and blood baby....well, it isn't hard to put 2 and 2 together.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

I think that the amount of energy he would place in following this advice of doing detective work to see if she's cheating would be much better spent making the relationship work (if that's what he wants). Women that are attracted and in love with a man simply do not cheat. There are enough resources for the original poster to learn how to seduce her, keep that attraction, and keep the relationship going.

The bottom line is that all you guys saying this has happened to you and giving advice from that place of pain and negativity are not in the right frame to help the original poster. You're trying to convince him that she's cheating or bound to cheat and what you're doing is transfering your own painful experiences and your own disempowering beliefs onto this situation and then drawing similarities.

He should take advice from guys that never have women cheat on them. What do these guys do? How do these guys keep the passion, romance, and love alive in a marriage?

What we have here is similar to guys that are broke giving advice on how to make a fortune.

 

[cordoncordon]

What we have here Cesare reminds of the debate between evolution and creation, and that won't be solved for a long time either I'm sure.

On one hand we have those that believe in evolution, that the earth is billions of years old, that life started with some single cell organisms billions of years ago, that man has gone through a long evolutionary history dating back 100's of thousands of years, and that we are still evolving today, but...we are still open to some other possibilities in how we came to be because we simply DON"T know or are not advanced enough yet to fully understand. Same as those that believe she did something wrong in blowing up and staying out so late, it was inappropriate, but she probably was just venting to some friends and did NOT sleep with anyone or has intentions to. However, at the same time we are open to the possibility that something more may have happened. Anything is possible, AND, they should work on the relationship and grow from this if they wish to continue this union of matrimonial bliss and hisssssss.

On the other hand we have the creationists. Those who believe in God and that he created everything in 7 days, Adam and Eve, men lived with dinosaurs, earth is only 7,000 years old, blah blah blah. Or, as the slutsters, or creationists would say....she is a HOR!!, I've had it happen to me so IT MUST have happened in this case, you should divorce her immeaditely, and there is no other possibility as to what happened the other night and i won't accept any other type of explanation.....BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO ME!! ME ME ME!

See the difference between the two camps here? One is open, scientific, and rationale without bias.

The other? Not so much.