Wife goes to Club/Bar

[DJ_Traveler]

Once again, I want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time out of your life to read this thread an participate in it. I think that thanks to you all, I was able to deal with this whole thing perhaps more objectively with my wife.

Last night, my wife and I had a pretty intense discussion. We were on our way to get something to eat when I told her: things will never be the same (I have trust in mind).
As I said that, she started really crying as if she was finally beginning to see things from my perspective.

She then went on to remind me that all her friends thought she would have been the last one to marry because before she met me, she thought of marriage as a broken institution. She said that the two of us had a real connection unlike most people who just settle. (Of course our marriage timing was forced due to the baby, but I was planning on proposing to her long before the baby came in the picture. If you think about it, how many young women would have really put up getting married without a wedding celebration and all the stuff that comes with it.

After she said that, I mentioned that she was pretty dumb to bring doubt into our marriage over one night of fun by going to a guy’s house, drive together and back to his place and that she should not have added those “little white lies about her going out with a girl”. I reminded her that he lived just two miles from me and that she would have been better off by being dropped at our house. In addition, I just said to her that I would beat the crap out this guy if I ever see him. I told her that I am man and that I will not be disrespected by some guy like Josh.

Next, I told her that I will never know the truth but that there were two possible outcomes. One she betrayed and disrespected me emotionally and two she slept with the guy perhaps from 9pm to 11pm or when they got back to his house from 3am to 4:40am.

At this point my wife got really depressed and emotional saying and wondering if I would be better if she killed herself (she has been depressed of and on since she has had the baby but was not given any antidepressant).

Keep in mind; we are still in the car (in my head I decided to play a little trick to her). I passed our subdivision and I continue to drive toward the subdivision of Josh.

She is getting scared at this point because of what I said I would do (I was angry in the car). She asked me if we might end up in the news, and I said maybe. Right as I am about to pass his subdivision, I continued driving and about a mile later, I pulled over in subdivision that is under construction where you just have a road but no homes. As I get out of the car, I tell her to take the wheel, and that she is about to learn how to drive a stick. She just had no idea what I was going to do. She had fun driving around. I explain to her how ride corners outside, inside, outside.

After the car lesson, we went home. The whole night she was talking about how could she bring trust back in our marriage? She said that she told me everything about that night.

 

[cordoncordon]

Once again, I want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time out of your life to read this thread an participate in it. I think that thanks to you all, I was able to deal with this whole thing perhaps more objectively with my wife.

Last night, my wife and I had a pretty intense discussion. We were on our way to get something to eat when I told her: things will never be the same (I have trust in mind).
As I said that, she started really crying as if she was finally beginning to see things from my perspective.

She then went on to remind me that all her friends thought she would have been the last one to marry because before she met me, she thought of marriage as a broken institution. She said that the two of us had a real connection unlike most people who just settle. (Of course our marriage timing was forced due to the baby, but I was planning on proposing to her long before the baby came in the picture. If you think about it, how many young women would have really put up getting married without a wedding celebration and all the stuff that comes with it.

After she said that, I mentioned that she was pretty dumb to bring doubt into our marriage over one night of fun by going to a guy’s house, drive together and back to his place and that she should not have added those “little white lies about her going out with a girl”. I reminded her that he lived just two miles from me and that she would have been better off by being dropped at our house. In addition, I just said to her that I would beat the crap out this guy if I ever see him. I told her that I am man and that I will not be disrespected by some guy like Josh.

Next, I told her that I will never know the truth but that there were two possible outcomes. One she betrayed and disrespected me emotionally and two she slept with the guy perhaps from 9pm to 11pm or when they got back to his house from 3am to 4:40am.

At this point my wife got really depressed and emotional saying and wondering if I would be better if she killed herself (she has been depressed of and on since she has had the baby but was not given any antidepressant).

Keep in mind; we are still in the car (in my head I decided to play a little trick to her). I passed our subdivision and I continue to drive toward the subdivision of Josh.

She is getting scared at this point because of what I said I would do (I was angry in the car). She asked me if we might end up in the news, and I said maybe. Right as I am about to pass his subdivision, I continued driving and about a mile later, I pulled over in subdivision that is under construction where you just have a road but no homes. As I get out of the car, I tell her to take the wheel, and that she is about to learn how to drive a stick. She just had no idea what I was going to do. She had fun driving around. I explain to her how ride corners outside, inside, outside.

After the car lesson, we went home. The whole night she was talking about how could she bring trust back in our marriage? She said that she told me everything about that night.

What did she say the reasons were for riding to the club and back with him, and what did she say her and Josh did when they got back from the club?

 

[My Name is Nobody]

What did she say the reasons were for riding to the club and back with him, and what did she say her and Josh did when they got back from the club?

Yeah DJ Traveler said she told him everything but she really showed him nothing but a sob story and a tear.

 

[wayword]

Next, I told her that I will never know the truth but that there were two possible outcomes. One she betrayed and disrespected me emotionally and two she slept with the guy perhaps from 9pm to 11pm or when they got back to his house from 3am to 4:40am.

At this point my wife got really depressed and emotional saying and wondering if I would be better if she killed herself (she has been depressed of and on since she has had the baby but was not given any antidepressant).

Notice how she did not DENY that she had here. But instead, broke down, racked inside with guilt.

If she TRULY hadn't facked him, at that point, she would have LOUDLY and maybe even angrily insisted that, "NO, I DID NOT SLEEP WITH JOSH! WE DID NOTHING! HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT??!!" Especially since you admitted you didn't even have solid proof!

But, she didn't even bother denying it and instead...immediately turned on the waterworks and played the sympathy card. Because deep down she knew you were right and she deserved to be punished. Of course, she quickly flipped the script with the classic chick tactic of turning from transgressor to victim. It's like she acknowledged her crime...and now was already trying to reduce the sentence.

Let me ask you something DT - has she EVER FULLY & HONESTLY ADMITTED WHAT SHE DID...AND APOLOGIZED FOR IT YET??? Or only weasel around the truth, run emotional game and play spy vs spy with you?

 

[ZenGodMod]

Next, I told her that I will never know the truth but that there were two possible outcomes. One she betrayed and disrespected me emotionally and two she slept with the guy perhaps from 9pm to 11pm or when they got back to his house from 3am to 4:40am.

At this point my wife got really depressed and emotional saying and wondering if I would be better if she killed herself (she has been depressed of and on since she has had the baby but was not given any antidepressant).

Keep in mind; we are still in the car (in my head I decided to play a little trick to her). I passed our subdivision and I continue to drive toward the subdivision of Josh.

She is getting scared at this point because of what I said I would do (I was angry in the car). She asked me if we might end up in the news, and I said maybe. Right as I am about to pass his subdivision, I continued driving and about a mile later, I pulled over in subdivision that is under construction where you just have a road but no homes. As I get out of the car, I tell her to take the wheel, and that she is about to learn how to drive a stick. She just had no idea what I was going to do. She had fun driving around. I explain to her how ride corners outside, inside, outside.

After the car lesson, we went home. The whole night she was talking about how could she bring trust back in our marriage? She said that she told me everything about that night.

Seems to me your taking the path of trying to repair the relationship. Glad to see you stuck to a decision.

What i read so far. And believe you me, this is one long thread. And trying to absorb it all is taxing yet fun.

She loves you, She'll never admit that she cheated on you even if she did. Even if the only thing she could have committed wrong was kiss the guy that night, she won't even admit that. She fears losing you.

Maybe thats worth something.

Today I'll tell you my gut feeling. My gut feeling is she does feel that she cheated on because she believes she did with whatever actions she committed that night.

 

[speed dawg]

Today I'll tell you my gut feeling. My gut feeling is she does feel that she cheated on because she believes she did with whatever actions she committed that night.

And she will do it again.

You know, this sort of thing usually happens when a relationship is about to get serious and one or the other flips out about it, ie gets scared of the commitment. Like I said, usually happens before an engagement.

But it's funny how she made it all so obvious to you, inside a marriage. Now she's laying down this guilt/depression trip. H*ll I don't know, either do the PI work or start trusting her again. Which is why I think it's stupid to try and repair the r'ship if he doesn't trust her.

The relationship will end if there is no trust. Either way, you look like a chump in front of people who know what went on that night. I, personally, would not stand for that crap from a woman or anyone else.

 

[BobFuest]

Well sir I hate to break it to you but at a certain age it's time to grow up. I outgrew clubs a long time ago. Loud music, teeny boppers, people grinding all over each other looking for the next piece of meat.

Sure women with children can have a life but life is far more than goin' clubbin'

Having a kid means it's time to grow up. This woman needs to grow up

Its people like this that need to GET THE FVCK OUT of my club. Its a sad sad world to think that the very music i pour my heart and soul into is just "Loud Noise" for teeny boppers and douche bags looking to get laid. Figures why i think most men are scumbags. (btw I am a man) Your the very example of the people who should never be at the club. go find a bar or something.

 

[DJ_Traveler]

"NO, I DID NOT SLEEP WITH JOSH! WE DID NOTHING! HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT??!!"

Sorry guys, I did forgot to mention that. Yes my wife said something like: I can't believe you would even think that I would cheat on you. Of course, she completely dennied cheating.

Here is something important to remember: Although I had found out about Josh checking her phone while she was sleeping, she did not know that I already found out she wasn't telling the truth that she went out with a guy and not a girl. She changed her original story after I confronted her regarding Respect and honesty.

Another factor that I leads me to believe that she did not cheat on a physical level is that If I had not been an idiot by not picking up the phone, I could have at least picked her up at the gas station around 3am which is about half way from where I live to where Josh lives.

 

[BobFuest]

Josh taking his wife out to 5 am is not a small matter. The very least you should do is talk to this guy about what’s going on. And no you don’t have to come off as aggressive or threatening at all .

This will at least
1. Put a face to the husband and lets him know you’re suspicious
2. He then knows that you were not happy about the 5am incident (at least sets some boundaries)
3. Might put it into his mind that this is more trouble then its worth

You might also find out he is a homo and have nothing to worry about.

As latinoman said, this is the worst thing you could do and will only serve to make you look weaker. besides, its not about him VS. you, its about the way your wife is disrespecting YOU. Who cares about anyone else?

 

[BobFuest]

Sorry guys, I did forgot to mention that. Yes my wife said something like: I can't believe you would even think that I would cheat on you. Of course, she completely dennied cheating.

Here is something important to remember: Although I had found out about Josh checking her phone while she was sleeping, she did not know that I already found out she wasn't telling the truth that she went out with a guy and not a girl. She changed her original story after I confronted her regarding Respect and honesty.

Another factor that I leads me to believe that she did not cheat on a physical level is that If I had not been an idiot by not picking up the phone, I could have at least picked her up at the gas station around 3am which is about half way from where I live to where Josh lives.

Dude. Do you love this broad or not? I ask because it comes down to 2 options:
1) you are going to divorce her
2) your going to forgive her and regain trust
In light of all that has been said, I think your going to have to go with option 2. You already played all your cards and you have a child to think about. If you really love her then your going to have to get over it. You honestly do not even have any real hard evidence that she did anything but act inappropreiately one night. We cannot judge her because we dont know her. You do. Our advice is good but we will never know the whole story. Dont ruin your marriage unless your ready to go all the way. Oh and, if you do take option 1; keep your cards up next time, dont show her your hand.

 

[Mr. Me]

I found out who my ex wife cheated on me with through Verizon. I called the c0cksucker on my cell with her on the land line. I'll say it was quite the minimal conversation and, in reflection, helped me in no way. So I confronted the guy, so what? Did it cathartically expel all of my anger? No. Closure? Nope. That path led to more cancerous thinking so I just let it and her go.

That's right. It's not the other guy that's the cause of it, he's just a player in it. Angry thoughts of revenge stimulate the mind and feel good, but it's bad training for one's mind to condition itself to feel good that way.

Angry thoughts will create angry emotions that need venting, and any act of revenge will not stop the continuation of angry emotions that need venting, only momentarily so, but the real life repercussions of an angry act can land people in prison while the spouse and her lover then stay together, all the more sure that they were lucky to get rid of this obvious angry, obsessive, dangerous ex.

Last night, my wife and I had a pretty intense discussion. We were on our way to get something to eat when I told her: things will never be the same (I have trust in mind). As I said that, she started really crying as if she was finally beginning to see things from my perspective.

In a calm but firm manner, stating that her behavior showed a lack of respect toward you and that you were not treated correctly and that she had broken trust and that you were not going to accept this behavior and she would have to decide which way to go or lose you as a consequence, and to mean it, is the talk to have.

You must also consider that she had been feeling neglected by you. You can not neglect your woman no matter the reason. So part of your talk has to also focus on you making self-corrections to help improve things.

I mentioned that she was pretty dumb to bring doubt into our marriage over one night of fun by going to a guy’s house, drive together and back to his place and that she should not have added those "little white lies about her going out with a girl". I reminded her that he lived just two miles from me and that she would have been better off by being dropped at our house.

Don't call her "dumb". This is not how one speaks to one's wife. It was bad, selfish unloving judgment on her part to do what she did, but we don't insult the people we claim to love and cherish.

If this has been part of your pattern, to insult her now and then, that has to stop. That's emotionally abusive behavior.

In addition, I just said to her that I would beat the crap out this guy if I ever see him. I told her that I am man and that I will not be disrespected by some guy like Josh.

This also has to stop. You cannot solve life's problems by beating up people or being threatening. This is grade school bully thug behavior. It's not being a man.

At this point my wife got really depressed and emotional saying and wondering if I would be better if she killed herself

That's emotional blackmail on her part. The two of you really need to learn better relationship skills, fast.

She is getting scared at this point because of what I said I would do (I was angry in the car). She asked me if we might end up in the news, and I said maybe.

Making your women scared that you're going to do something crazy shows immaturity, first of all, and unless she's a nut case, she's not going to appreciate a man who may fly off the handle and do something reckless. No sane woman one wants to live with a man who has a temper and may be prone to violence.

All you're showing her when you act that way is that you can be an a$$hole. Being insulting, threatening, macho... You're giving her more reasons to leave you.

The whole night she was talking about how could she bring trust back in our marriage? She said that she told me everything about that night.

While I doubt that she actually told you everything, here's how you can rebuild some trust. However, note that it will never fully be recovered. The next time she's half an hour late coming home from class, or out shopping for groceries a little bit too long considering the few items she bought, or says something that strikes you strange or has a funny look on her face, you're going to think "Josh".

To rebuild trust, SHE has to completely transparent. She has to be able to account for every minute of her life. That doesn't mean you become the Gestapo and watch her like a hawk, but you kind of have to. Know that this isn't fool proof: a woman who wants to cheat, will find a way to cheat. You can be fooled.

What you're dealing with is infidelity. Infidelity is any breach of the primary relationship. It could be an affair of the heart, it could be a sexual act, it could be dishonesty. You may never know how far she went exactly, but it was all infidelity.

I forgot to mention: No more Josh. Ever. Josh may be like a drug for her, makes her feel good. You have to treat it like an addiction.

She has to change classes and/or drop the one Josh is in. Change schools, whatever it takes. Her priority to follow through with this and do what it takes to regain your trust is what matters. No more seeing him, talking to him, calling him, nothing. Nothing less than that is acceptable.

 

[STR8UP]

Iqqi, you sound like my ex who was out until 5 am.

"I didn't have sex with him! I didn't do anything WRONG!"

Sex is completely beside the point. I don't care if they were playing dominoes and having cake and ice cream with his grandma. A woman WILL NOT take a chance of losing a man who she VALUES by doing something like this. Unless she is either stupid, OR if she is reaching for another potential source of intimacy. And I don't think this woman is stupid.

To this day I'm sure my ex honestly believes that she did nothing wrong. She's at some dudes house until 5am, and she didn't do anything wrong because whatever DID happen she didn't "technically" have sex with him.

Why do you think women make such a big deal about the act of penetration? Cause if there's no PENETRATION, there was no SEX, and thus in her eyes she did nothing wrong (or isn't a slvt or WHATEVER).

Women LOVE these little loopholes. Being able to weasel their way out with technicalities, Clinton style.

 

[Ever onward]

I'm sorry, but who are you to tell someone what they should or shouldn't do with their life? Just because YOU "outgrew" clubs or going out, and dislike certain things, doesn't mean that is the way another person is going to feel about it.

She has a kid. What she wanted with her life just got put on the back burner.

Not to mention you are 31. The girl is 23. That is not the "certain" age to "grow up". I'd love to know what was the "certain" age to "grow up". 23 is YOUNG as HELL. As a matter of fact, she hasn't even been of drinking age for more than two years... !

23 is young. 31 is YOUNG! I wouldn't have a kid yet because I'm not ready for it. But she has a kid, like it or not. Time to grow up.

Anyways, I hope someone shoots me in the head the day I feel like I have "outgrown" being able to go out and have a good time.

Yeah, I've seen plenty of older women combing the bars. Trying to hang on to the glory days and convince themselves that they're still young. I'm sure some guys might find that attractive....so good luck with that when you get older, icky

Also. Having kids does not mean your life is over.

Nope, life doesn't end with kids. Sadly for someone like you, you wouldn't understand that life is more than the bar scene.

 

[frivolousz21]

Iqqi, you sound like my ex who was out until 5 am.

"I didn't have sex with him! I didn't do anything WRONG!"

Sex is completely beside the point. I don't care if they were playing dominoes and having cake and ice cream with his grandma. A woman WILL NOT take a chance of losing a man who she VALUES by doing something like this. Unless she is either stupid, OR if she is reaching for another potential source of intimacy. And I don't think this woman is stupid.

To this day I'm sure my ex honestly believes that she did nothing wrong. She's at some dudes house until 5am, and she didn't do anything wrong because whatever DID happen she didn't "technically" have sex with him.

Why do you think women make such a big deal about the act of penetration? Cause if there's no PENETRATION, there was no SEX, and thus in her eyes she did nothing wrong (or isn't a slvt or WHATEVER).

Women LOVE these little loopholes. Being able to weasel their way out with technicalities, Clinton style.

whatever...your just pessimist and insecure..she is just a 23 yr old girl..she made a mistake :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

 

[BobFuest]

whatever...your just pessimist and insecure..she is just a 23 yr old girl..she made a mistake :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

u know, i kind of agree with this. it is becoming way too serious in here. lighten up. Divorce is a huge deal. lets not go that far yet..

 

[ZenGodMod]

Iqqi, you sound like my ex who was out until 5 am.

"I didn't have sex with him! I didn't do anything WRONG!"

Sex is completely beside the point. I don't care if they were playing dominoes and having cake and ice cream with his grandma. A woman WILL NOT take a chance of losing a man who she VALUES by doing something like this. Unless she is either stupid, OR if she is reaching for another potential source of intimacy. And I don't think this woman is stupid.

To this day I'm sure my ex honestly believes that she did nothing wrong. She's at some dudes house until 5am, and she didn't do anything wrong because whatever DID happen she didn't "technically" have sex with him.

Why do you think women make such a big deal about the act of penetration? Cause if there's no PENETRATION, there was no SEX, and thus in her eyes she did nothing wrong (or isn't a slvt or WHATEVER).

God would you just listen to your self!!

What would happen if i forgot the time just cause i've been having too much fun and get home 5 in the morning from a night out with my friends to a female version of str8up?

The whole week i'd be shouting "I DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU BEATCH, PROVE IT...WHAT, ITS NOT ABOUT THE SEX...STUPID I SAID I DIDN'T...JUST FORGET IT, ITS LIKE TALKING TO A WALL. WHAT? FINE LETS BREAK UP THEN!"

And till this day i'll be like "what a nut job, bet she is on meds or something, bet she is still accussing me of cheating and yapping about it"

Str8up, i know ex hurt you deep, but please don't spread to others. We're not all like you.

 

[BobFuest]

She has a kid. What she wanted with her life just got put on the back burner.



23 is young. 31 is YOUNG! I wouldn't have a kid yet because I'm not ready for it. But she has a kid, like it or not. Time to grow up.




Yeah, I've seen plenty of older women combing the bars. Trying to hang on to the glory days and convince themselves that they're still young. I'm sure some guys might find that attractive....so good luck with that when you get older, icky



Nope, life doesn't end with kids. Sadly for someone like you, you wouldn't understand that life is more than the bar scene.

wow your life sounds over. do you ever have fun or go out?
I think the WHERE is the least of anyone's concern. Its the WHY. jeez, if i was 40 am i too grown up for the club or am i looking for glory days? whatever

 

[Mr. Me]

she made a mistake

I've been privy to many a conservation where we discuss "mistakes". Let me share:

A "mistake", by definition, is an "error in judgment". We make a wrong turn while driving, believing it to be the correct turn. That's a mistake. We add two numbers together incorrectly, believing we added correctly. That's a mistake. We put too much salt into the soup. That's a mistake.

Planning and having a date with another person outside of your relationship and figuring out where to leave your car in anticipation of what will be done later and lying to your partner to cover over it and everything this entailed and knowing all the while this is the inappropriate thing to do - that is NOT a mistake.

That's intentional.

As such, it shows a "bad" judgment, not an "error" in judgment.

 

[BobFuest]

God would you just listen to your self!!

What would happen if i forgot the time just cause i've been having too much fun and get home 5 in the morning from a night out with my friends to a female version of str8up?

The whole week i'd be shouting "I DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU BEATCH, PROVE IT...WHAT, ITS NOT ABOUT THE SEX...STUPID I SAID I DIDN'T...JUST FORGET IT, ITS LIKE TALKING TO A WALL. WHAT? FINE LETS BREAK UP THEN!"

And till this day i'll be like "what a nut job, bet she is on meds or something, bet she is still accussing me of cheating and yapping about it"

Str8up, i know ex hurt you deep, but please don't spread to others. We're not all like you.

wow its ON now! :woo: Str8up i think you got message board served. You got to flame back so it will be ON! hahaha

 

[speed dawg]

Is this the longest thread ever?