Wife goes to Club/Bar

[MacAvoy]

Is this the longest thread ever?

No, MNIN had a longer thread about a month ago.

 

[speed dawg]

Yeah, I just looked around and saw the thread about beatin' off is like 55 pages. Go figure.

 

[ketostix]

Once again, I want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time out of your life to read this thread an participate in it. I think that thanks to you all, I was able to deal with this whole thing perhaps more objectively with my wife.

Last night, my wife and I had a pretty intense discussion. We were on our way to get something to eat when I told her: things will never be the same (I have trust in mind).
As I said that, she started really crying as if she was finally beginning to see things from my perspective.

She then went on to remind me that all her friends thought she would have been the last one to marry because before she met me, she thought of marriage as a broken institution. She said that the two of us had a real connection unlike most people who just settle. (Of course our marriage timing was forced due to the baby, but I was planning on proposing to her long before the baby came in the picture. If you think about it, how many young women would have really put up getting married without a wedding celebration and all the stuff that comes with it.

After she said that, I mentioned that she was pretty dumb to bring doubt into our marriage over one night of fun by going to a guy’s house, drive together and back to his place and that she should not have added those “little white lies about her going out with a girl”. I reminded her that he lived just two miles from me and that she would have been better off by being dropped at our house. In addition, I just said to her that I would beat the crap out this guy if I ever see him. I told her that I am man and that I will not be disrespected by some guy like Josh.

Next, I told her that I will never know the truth but that there were two possible outcomes. One she betrayed and disrespected me emotionally and two she slept with the guy perhaps from 9pm to 11pm or when they got back to his house from 3am to 4:40am.

At this point my wife got really depressed and emotional saying and wondering if I would be better if she killed herself (she has been depressed of and on since she has had the baby but was not given any antidepressant).

Keep in mind; we are still in the car (in my head I decided to play a little trick to her). I passed our subdivision and I continue to drive toward the subdivision of Josh.

She is getting scared at this point because of what I said I would do (I was angry in the car). She asked me if we might end up in the news, and I said maybe. Right as I am about to pass his subdivision, I continued driving and about a mile later, I pulled over in subdivision that is under construction where you just have a road but no homes. As I get out of the car, I tell her to take the wheel, and that she is about to learn how to drive a stick. She just had no idea what I was going to do. She had fun driving around. I explain to her how ride corners outside, inside, outside.

After the car lesson, we went home. The whole night she was talking about how could she bring trust back in our marriage? She said that she told me everything about that night.

DJ_Traveler, from reading this I think you have a good grasp of the situation. I think the way you handled it was pretty good and masculine and pretty creative at the end. You made it clear that you're no fool and you're not going to accept that type of behavior from her or a guy like Josh or any other similar guys doing stuff like that with your wife. Her guilt ridden replies seem to be further indication that she is in fact guilty. And I don't think she's given you the whole true story and probably never will. But the fact that she does show guilt is a sort of a good sign, if there is a good sign in this.

 

[Mr. Me]

you're not going to accept that type of behavior from her or a guy like Josh or any other similar guys doing stuff like that with your wife.

Not for nothing, but it's not about Josh. The only thing Josh is guilty of is having the same taste in women that Traveler does and in being a man of low ethics so as to go after a married woman (we suspect).

Josh is only a pimple on the ass of this problem. If it wasn't Josh, it would be someone else. The real problem is the wife's behavior. It's a character flaw.

The environment that influenced her to act on her character flaw was in part created by Traveler.

Her guilt ridden replies...

...may be her acting. We have to see what her ACTIONS forward going are like.

 

[ketostix]

Not for nothing, but it's not about Josh. The only thing Josh is guilty of is having the same taste in women that Traveler does and in being a man of low ethics so as to go after a married woman (we suspect).

Josh is only a pimple on the ass of this problem. If it wasn't Josh, it would be someone else. The real problem is the wife's behavior. It's a character flaw.

The environment that influenced her to act on her character flaw was in part created by Traveler.



...may be her acting. We have to see what her ACTIONS forward going are like.

OK I agree with you but we (maybe me and other posters, not necessarily you) have already went over this, but I realize this thread is really longer. I'm not saying it's about blaming and focusing in on Josh, like I said before there's a million potential Josh's out there. I meant unacceptable for her to hang around with a guy like Josh-any guy that is trying to put moves on his wife. Remember, the wife tried to get Traveler to befriend Josh and make out like Josh was just a friend basically.

 

[DJ_Traveler]

The road to being a Don Juan is tough while the road to an AFC is easy. Like you guys said, Josh is just another guy wanting to get into my wife's pants or who knows what.

The issue is not Josh but rather my wife lack of respect and myself since I can be my worse enemy.

Despite what my wife just pulled last Thursday, I still love my wife, and I am not ready to drop her.
However, from this point on I feel that I must take the time to re-evaluate myself and my goals. After two years of marriage with a modern woman there is a good chance that I have regained some AFC attributes that I have worked so long to get rid off.
I plan on re-reading the great articles on this site and I started listening in the car to David DeAngelo CDs.

 

[Mr.Positive]

The issue is not Josh but rather my wife lack of respect and myself since I can be my worse enemy.

DJ_Traveler,

Remember that Josh is not half the man you are. Josh is a vampire, a parasite to society, a man that preys on women at a time when they are their most weak.

Your wife needs to earn YOUR respect now. Your respect, and your values, maturity, is the most important gift that you can give her. She needs to earn this back from you.

Going forward, in order for her to right this wrong, pay attention to her actions.

Josh should be out of the picture forever. He is not a 'friend' of hers.

You've set your boundaries. She knows she disrespected you. Now her actions need to prove this.

Best of luck.

 

[Mr. Me]

I still love my wife, and I am not ready to drop her.

That's perfectly valid.

This is why I'm continually posting to you, because I understand what you're going through and what you're up against. I also know how these things tend to pan out. And in my heart of hearts, I really wouldn't wish these circumstances on my own worst enemy. Well, on second thought, I would. But I digress...

Foremost, it has to do with her willingness to make the two of you work, as it takes two people to make a relationship. If you have nipped this in the bud and she's not too far gone, it can still be salvaged. But it's an uphill battle. When it gets to the point that the wife is seeing other men, she's already far down the path of being emotionally divorced.

So, David DeAngelo isn't going to help you with this. This isn't about having inner confidence or being C&F, though that helps you. It's about changing patterns that have been deconstructive in your relationship and killing it. She may be willing to really stick with this and work things out if she sees you sincerely trying to make it work.

The only thing you can control is yourself. Make those changes in yourself I spoke about (if they're needed) because then, by changing your part of the dynamics, she is more prone to change how she then interacts with you. That's the only way you can really affect someone else's behavior. Otherwise, you guys will just repeat the same patterns over and over again until there's too much damage.

The three main reasons wives leave their husbands are because they're neglected, abused (emotionally or physically) or because their husbands try to dominate them. They need respect, affection and romance.

We know she wants more fun (and I suspect some romance) in her life. Plan a date a week with her. What else does she equate with feeling loved? Is it a compliment every now and then? Is it praise when she accomplishes something? Would it help for you to assist with a couple of household chores? Some women feel unloved because their husbands take the garbage out three days after she's asked them to or because they feel there's no consideration/respect being given them when their husbands leave toilet seats up or underwear laying around or fart under the covers.

Reflect back to times when she was happiest: What made her happy? What did you guys do? What is it that your wife needs?

Try it. Try anything along those lines, but do something. Change course. Then observe. Watch her actions. See if they improve over time. Good luck.

 

[BobFuest]

DJ_Traveler,

Remember that Josh is not half the man you are. Josh is a vampire, a parasite to society, a man that preys on women at a time when they are their most weak.

Your wife needs to earn YOUR respect now. Your respect, and your values, maturity, is the most important gift that you can give her. She needs to earn this back from you.

Going forward, in order for her to right this wrong, pay attention to her actions.

Josh should be out of the picture forever. He is not a 'friend' of hers.

You've set your boundaries. She knows she disrespected you. Now her actions need to prove this.

Best of luck.

*claps* great advice and way to look at things more positively.

Mr. Me - I liked your post as well. sometimes we forget to treat the ones we love as special as we think we treat them.

 

[Faded Image]

I plan on re-reading the great articles on this site and I started listening in the car to David DeAngelo CDs

Why? He tells you he's going to teach you new techniques or how to do something but never really deliver the point he's intending to make.

Who goes on lame coffee dates anyway?

David D advice will help in the early stages of pick up but his point of view never deals with this type of adversity featured in this situation.

 

[KarmaSutra]

This is why I'm continually posting to you, because I understand what you're going through and what you're up against. I also know how these things tend to pan out. And in my heart of hearts, I really wouldn't wish these circumstances on my own worst enemy. Well, on second thought, I would. But I digress...

Foremost, it has to do with her willingness to make the two of you work, as it takes two people to make a relationship. If you have nipped this in the bud and she's not too far gone, it can still be salvaged. But it's an uphill battle. When it gets to the point that the wife is seeing other men, she's already far down the path of being emotionally divorced.

So, David DeAngelo isn't going to help you with this. This isn't about having inner confidence or being C&F, though that helps you. It's about changing patterns that have been deconstructive in your relationship and killing it. She may be willing to really stick with this and work things out if she sees you sincerely trying to make it work.

The only thing you can control is yourself. Make those changes in yourself I spoke about (if they're needed) because then, by changing your part of the dynamics, she is more prone to change how she then interacts with you. That's the only way you can really affect someone else's behavior. Otherwise, you guys will just repeat the same patterns over and over again until there's too much damage.

The three main reasons wives leave their husbands are because they're neglected, abused (emotionally or physically) or because their husbands try to dominate them. They need respect, affection and romance.

We know she wants more fun (and I suspect some romance) in her life. Plan a date a week with her. What else does she equate with feeling loved? Is it a compliment every now and then? Is it praise when she accomplishes something? Would it help for you to assist with a couple of household chores? Some women feel unloved because their husbands take the garbage out three days after she's asked them to or because they feel there's no consideration/respect being given them when their husbands leave toilet seats up or underwear laying around or fart under the covers.

Reflect back to times when she was happiest: What made her happy? What did you guys do? What is it that your wife needs?

Try it. Try anything along those lines, but do something. Change course. Then observe. Watch her actions. See if they improve over time. Good luck.

Not to sh!t on your post but this sounds peculiarly similar to either something Dr. Phil or that bastard who wrote Men are from Mars would say.

Give her your devotion and then you can expect your reward? How minimal is this thinking? It doesn't benefit men, with the options we have, to succumb to a womans whim. SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. Travelers' wife betrayed him. Should she be reprimanded, absolutely. You advocate rewarding her with MORE attention and devotion and this will help him how?

 

[jophil28]

You will no longer give women the benefit of the doubt in this kind of situation because you KNOW that when a woman does something like this she is seeking intimacy outside of the relationship.

.

This is the GOLDEN nugget in this whole thread.
The woman turned to another man for a good time with a lot of BOOZE.
THat describes the early stage of sexual infidelity...
Secondly . the OP never shoul believe the line that Jiosh is "just a friend" - men never go to bars with women and booze for "friendship".

 

[wjh]

I won't respond to anything else you say.

Thank God.

 

[Mr. Me]

You advocate rewarding her with MORE attention and devotion and this will help him how?

The man said he doesn't want to drop his wife, right? He wants to make it work, he says. Fine. I've posted enough about how once trust is broken/she may not be the right person to be in a relationship with/character flaws/etc., and I was right there posting about how when it's gone this far it may be too late to repair, and how the trust issue may always haunt the relationship and so on.

But he wants to give it his best shot before he walks away so he can say he did all he could, that's what I figure. So now I'm giving suggestions on how to work on the relationship. It's not about "rewarding" her or succumbing to her mere whims, that's not a fair representation of my post. It's about making his relationship with his wife better and hopefully turning things around for them.

 

[wjh]

Give her your devotion and then you can expect your reward? How minimal is this thinking? It doesn't benefit men, with the options we have, to succumb to a womans whim. SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. Travelers' wife betrayed him. Should she be reprimanded, absolutely. You advocate rewarding her with MORE attention and devotion and this will help him how?

I have to agree with where Karma is going with this.

I believe boundaries must be made clear, and they seem to be close to that, and adhered to.

And as far as not being ready to file for divorce, fine. But you may at one point need to (assuming you don't give your wife your balls entirely and turn Mega AFC).

 

[wjh]

The man said he doesn't want to drop his wife, right? He wants to make it work, he says. Fine. I've posted enough about how once trust is broken/she may not be the right person to be in a relationship with/character flaws/etc., and I was right there posting about how when it's gone this far it may be too late to repair, and how the trust issue may always haunt the relationship and so on.

But he wants to give it his best shot before he walks away so he can say he did all he could, that's what I figure. So now I'm giving suggestions on how to work on the relationship. So, change your perception about my post: It's not about "rewarding" her or succumbing to her mere whims, it's about making his relationship with his wife better and hopefully turning things around for them.

Fine, but shouldn't SHE be the one working to earn HIS trust? His companionship?

Why shouldn't he just drop her? He certainly has every right to. The fact that he's giving her "another chance" is a gift in and of itself.

She's the one who who slept at another man's house, not him.

 

[Mr. Me]

Fine, but shouldn't SHE be the one working to earn HIS trust?

You sound like you missed that I've already posted that same exact point.

Why shouldn't he just drop her? He certainly has every right to.

No argument there.

 

[wjh]

You sound like you missed that I've already posted that same exact point.

Then why are you advocating doing something different? Just because he may be willing to hand her his balls? Because that's what it sounds like to me.

With all due respect... You can't steer this guy in that direction. At least I don't feel it'll be constructive.

We may have to agree to disagree here.

 

[Ever onward]

wow your life sounds over. do you ever have fun or go out?
I think the WHERE is the least of anyone's concern. Its the WHY. jeez, if i was 40 am i too grown up for the club or am i looking for glory days? whatever

LOL, from the sound of your posts it sounds like you have never had any glory days.

I'm talking about a woman with a CHILD!

If my life was going out to clubs and mackin' on women in their late 30s who may or may not have kids I would consider my life over.

 

[Mr. Me]

Then why are you advocating doing something different? Just because he may be willing to hand her his balls? Because that's what it sounds like to me.

Because he wants to give it a shot before he's through. I'll bet he doesn't want to have that "If I only did this or that..." on his mind the rest of his life. He's not going to separate. He's been warned. But look, if he's gonna do it, he might as well go about doing it right. Listening to David D isn't going to get him there. Guys in his situation that want to "save their marriage" way too often do all sorts of wrong things and go whichever way the wind blows and I'm giving the guy a proven direction to go in.

But that doesn't mean trying to beat a dead horse. If it doesn't work, he should walk. Any recurrence of her infidelity, he should walk.

It doesn't require handing over any testicles, you know? That happens when men grovel, cry, plead and beg, walk on eggshells and promise anything and everything and give themselves up totally to get their wives back. I'm not advocating that at all! What am I advocating?

I'm advocating that we don't neglect our wives. He's learning the lesson of the consequences of neglecting our wives first hand. I'm advocating respect. I'm advocating not demonstrating temper. I'm advocating keeping our wives happy (and not by being submissive) - so that they don't want to leave the relationship in the first place.

Take notes, kiddo. Let's hope you never need to use them.

With all due respect... You can't steer this guy in that direction. At least I don't feel it'll be constructive.

With all due respect, you may be very right. But maybe he now needs to see that for himself.

We may have to agree to disagree here.

Guess we'll have to. I'm not basing what I've written him on my "feeling". It's from my experience and that culled from many others.

Man, if only knew back when what I know today...