Wife goes to Club/Bar

[ketostix]

Triple post

 

[ketostix]

Triple post

 

[ketostix]

Luveno - Oh I'm in no doubt this guy wants to **** her and she might not even realise it.

That's why he has to a)meet this guy to size him up and vice-versa b)keep careful watch c)improve his actions in regard to understanding her and regaining the closeness and fun they had (i hope) and d)make her clear that this was a one-off and that this behaviour can not be accepted.

Simply gathering evidence for the divorce will just leave him divorced but with a bit more money (prob not any more at all, the laws are written for women with kids).

As for trust can never be regained. I agree.

However in this case trust hasn't been that badly broken, she told a few little lies. Bad but enough to justifying him bailing on her and the kid? Did she sleep with him, maybe but at the moment he doesn't know that and he probably shouldn't try to find that out because that will just lead to divorce if she has (again I emphasise that it isn't certain) as no man can stay with an unfaithful woman, it goes against nature. He should remain ignorant because it allows him a chance to keep his family however if the doubt is overwhelming then a) that's probably because she did and you know it and b)the relationship is over as this is almost impossible for a man to get over.

This has got nothing to do with who's fault it is, this has to do with where he goes from here.

And I truely believe you're a Ms. Captain-save-a-ho. You're basically telling him to just suck it up and bury his head in the sand, and when she decides to divorce him, he'll have no defense in court.

 

[hithard]

That sounds a bit drastic and crazy to me. Does Traveller really want to be the guy who tracks down and threatens strangers who flirt with his wife?

In fact, if you just decide to go all out, simply move somewhere else where she can't attend university, and leave her with the kid all day as a housewife. That's actually not nearly as crazy as going around threatening her classmates or co-workers.

And running around constantly spying on her until she fu*ks up is productive. The fact that something is up has already been established.

Josh taking his wife out to 5 am is not a small matter. The very least you should do is talk to this guy about what’s going on. And no you don’t have to come off as aggressive or threatening at all .

This will at least
1. Put a face to the husband and lets him know you’re suspicious
2. He then knows that you were not happy about the 5am incident (at least sets some boundaries)
3. Might put it into his mind that this is more trouble then its worth

You might also find out he is a homo and have nothing to worry about.

Running around hoping to catch them out, all the moping, suspicion, distrust and the wondering what the hell they are talking about on the phone will isn’t really getting you anywhere at this point.And probably damaging the relationship even more.

You are past the point of spying unless you really want to gather some evidence for divorce. Talking to her will only make you more paranoid and suspicious. Doing nothing will probably mean ending up cuckold.

Don't get me wrong it’s as much her fault as his. But reality is you (the OP)seem to be looking for damage control and you’re not ready for divorce.

 

[ketostix]

Yeah Clive is the man, only retarded ending in that movie is that he takes that hor back. I've always hated Julia Roberts.
"I treat you like a wh0re?"
"Sometimes...."
"WHY WOULD THAT BE??"

Hahahaha


Back to the OP topic though,

I would hire a P.I. in lieu of following her yourself, if you wanted her scouted.

Pictures say 1,000 words, and if she is hooking up with him, well then they can get the proof.

I just thought of something. Traveler could call the show "Cheaters" they'll get to the bottom of it and if they find anything and it can be aired, he won't even have to pay for the investigation . I bet their finding help in divorce court too. But I can see how you'd be giving up your privacy and feeding that voyeuristic trash TV culture.

 

[ketostix]

That sounds a bit drastic and crazy to me. Does Traveller really want to be the guy who tracks down and threatens strangers who flirt with his wife?

In fact, if you just decide to go all out, simply move somewhere else where she can't attend university, and leave her with the kid all day as a housewife. That's actually not nearly as crazy as going around threatening her classmates or co-workers.

Well what Traveller probably needs to do is tell his wife "no more Josh time" basically. His wife and Josh are getting too cozzy. She'll pass the mesage onto Josh most likely.

 

[STR8UP]

She said that I had been looking at her like she was tainted.

Only a person (woman) with a guilty conscience would say something like this.

By Saturday it had been over three days since I had last given it to her. Late Saturday night, the baby fell asleep, and I gave it to her doggy style. This was by far the hardest that I have ever taken my wife. Afterward she did mention that I had never given it to her this hard, but she said she didn’t mind because of her bad behavior on Thursday night. Sunday morning I gave it to her again pretty hard in various positions.

I'm gonna share something with you.

I have a theory.

When my ex g/f showed up at my place at 5am, I fukked the LIVING HELL out of her. I shouldn't have even let her in the door, and instead I gave her what was probably the best sex of her life.

Why did I do this?

I would guess that it has something to do with genetic competition.

When I fukked her that night I came harder and with more volume than I think I ever had. And I have noticed the same dynamic when I have gone out of town and was unsure of what my g/f was doing when I was gone.

It think we are hard wired to TRY to impregnate a woman when we suspect that she might have been unfaithful.

This is one of the best threads ever. Seriously.

 

[Latinoman]

That sounds a bit drastic and crazy to me. Does Traveller really want to be the guy who tracks down and threatens strangers who flirt with his wife?

In fact, if you just decide to go all out, simply move somewhere else where she can't attend university, and leave her with the kid all day as a housewife. That's actually not nearly as crazy as going around threatening her classmates or co-workers.

My advice is to NEVER confront a man...as it is up to her to make sure she is NOT contributing toward another man disrespecting him.

The ONLY time he should contront another man, is

1- if this man is making UNwanted advances and AFTER she tried very hard to make him stop...

OR

2- if he is making advances in front of you.

Going any other way shows lack of self control. Will legally put him in a bind in which he will lose. And he will literally get phucked...because she will also go against him in a court of law.

 

[Latinoman]

Well what Traveller probably needs to do is tell his wife "no more Josh time" basically. His wife and Josh are getting too cozzy. She'll pass the mesage onto Josh most likely.

That is way too controlling.

The best way to approach this is by saying..."Considering the situation we dealt with this past Friday when you went out to a bar, got drunk, and spent the night with this Josh person, I personally find it VERY disrespectful that you..."

You see? He is NOT telling her what to do. What he is telling her is what her actions mean. That she can do whatever she wants...but her actions (and not her words) are determine how much respect she has for him and his marriage. And that actions have consequences.

Even if Josh is a "good friend"...the fact that he contributed for her to get drunk while leaving her husband and baby at her place...KNOWING very well (if he was a "good friend" he would know) that she was having issues with him...is a clear indication that Josh (if he was a "good friend") did not apply judgment and put PARTY over MARRIAGE.

 

[STR8UP]

I dropped the ball by not being the one to take her out when she felt ready. Josh (prince charming) was right there with his invitation to a free night of booze at the house of blues.

Bullsh!t. Cut it out RIGHT NOW. This had NOTHING to do with you not taking her to a club. Women try to lay this guilt on men ALL THE TIME. Don't let them.

I couldn't meet that guy face to face as I don't think much of a guy who has be that low to invite a married woman to a bar.

Dude...FORGET ABOUT HIM. he has no obligation to you, he's simply being a guy and trying to get laid.

Your wife is the only one who is culpable. Chances are she was READY to step out and he was convenient.

She might have even been the instigator. You wouldn't believe how many women my friends and I have had hitting on us who were married or in committed relationships.....

 

[Latinoman]

STR8UP...I tend up to be very critical on you. But I have to say you have been consitent and outstanding in your observation of this situation. Great advice.

 

[ketostix]

That is way too controlling.

The best way to approach this is by saying..."Considering the situation we dealt with this past Friday when you went out to a bar, got drunk, and spent the night with this Josh person, I personally find it VERY disrespectful that you..."

You see? He is NOT telling her what to do. What he is telling her is what her actions mean. That she can do whatever she wants...but her actions (and not her words) are determine how much respect she has for him and his marriage. And that actions have consequences.

Even if Josh is a "good friend"...the fact that he contributed for her to get drunk while leaving her husband and baby at her place...KNOWING very well (if he was a "good friend" he would know) that she was having issues with him...is a clear indication that Josh (if he was a "good friend") did not apply judgment and put PARTY over MARRIAGE.

Well tactically I'd say you are right. I wasn't really being specific about how he should go about it. I really meant as a strategy he should let her know that what she's been doing with Josh is unacceptable. And also that he shouldn't go confront Josh. His wife will deliver the news to Josh. Traveller's wife is the real problem. There's a million potential "Joshes" out there. you can't confront them all even if it was a good idea in the first place, and I don't think it is.

 

[Latinoman]

Well tactically I'd say you are right. I wasn't really being specific about how he should go about it. I really meant as a strategy he should let her know that what she's been doing with Josh is unacceptable. And also that he shouldn't go confront Josh. His wife will deliver the news to Josh. Traveller's wife is the real problem. There's a million potential "Joshes" out there. you can't confront them all even if it was a good idea in the first place, and I don't think it is.

I totally agree with you.

 

[STR8UP]

STR8UP...I tend up to be very critical on you. But I have to say you have been consitent and outstanding in your observation of this situation. Great advice.

If I know about one thing, it's this.

Anyone who has experienced this from both sides can clearly see it for what it is.

When a woman does something like this it stirs up primal emotions. The kind of stuff you never forget.

You realize that something is wrong when it is happening to you the first time, but you're usually in complete denial. The second time you still don't want to believe your woman is doing "whatever" with another man, but it becomes more clear. Once you are OUT of that second relationship, you will have been initiated. You will no longer give women the benefit of the doubt in this kind of situation because you KNOW that when a woman does something like this she is seeking intimacy outside of the relationship.

And to throw more fuel on the fire, all you have to do is pay attention to what goes on around you. Go out one night with a bunch of people you know. They can be "good" people, yet half of the ones who are married or in relationships are out there kissing up on guys like me and my friends.

A chick I dated a couple of years ago made a comment to me about a conference she went to in the Bahamas, about how it's crazy how all of these six figure sales execs are married with a wife or husband and kids at home, but put them all together for a weekend in a foreign country, mix it up with a little rum, and everyone is hooking up with everyone else, regardless of marital or relationship status.

Hell, for all I know she could have been talking about herself too.

 

[hithard]

That is way too controlling.

The best way to approach this is by saying..."Considering the situation we dealt with this past Friday when you went out to a bar, got drunk, and spent the night with this Josh person, I personally find it VERY disrespectful that you..."

You see? He is NOT telling her what to do. What he is telling her is what her actions mean. That she can do whatever she wants...but her actions (and not her words) are determine how much respect she has for him and his marriage. And that actions have consequences.

Even if Josh is a "good friend"...the fact that he contributed for her to get drunk while leaving her husband and baby at her place...KNOWING very well (if he was a "good friend" he would know) that she was having issues with him...is a clear indication that Josh (if he was a "good friend") did not apply judgment and put PARTY over MARRIAGE.

Sorry I don’t see this working in this situation. On the norm yes, but this seems to have progressed beyond that. At this moment he seems to be rationalizing what she has done. IMO not ready or considering divorce or interested in covering himself. This guy is also going to be in close contact through the class. And finally he will not get straight answers from her.

To me it looks like he wants afc damage control (sorry traveler) more then likely it will happen again down the track then again it might not. However his current path (moping, distrust, and spying) is probably damaging both him and the relationship even more.

If he was mentally stronger yeah go for the above advice then prepare the stuff for divorce. But with a young baby and a new marriage I doubt this is even in the thought waves yet.Bleeting divorce divorce is not achieving anything or will it even probably be considered(even though it may be the right thing to do)

Right now she seems to be compartmentalizing the both of them into separate areas of her life so I doubt saying anything to her will be listened to no matter how DJ it sounds its a bit late for that if the rest of the ground work was not laid at the start of the relationship. She has already proved that she can walk out and party without worrying about baby or husband.

She gave her blessing to talk to him so I would utilize that in his position. Right now a chat is easier for him to handle then all out divorce or walking away. Yes she should not be putting him in a position of having to do it and she is being disrespectful. But she doesn’t seem to care either. And he does not seem ready to walk.

Talking will either enforce the idea that she is a cheater or that there was nothing to it. There’s always those small signs you can pick up on.And hopefully fuel you enough to make the right decision

So chat then maneuver manipulate or whatever. Then realize that this could be the rest of your life. One way or another learn the Lesson brush up on DJ skills and don’t do it again.
Right now time is your most valuable asset. So dealing with this with any of the advice in this thread as quickly as possible would be a good idea. Don’t get bogged down in self pity for too long bounce back as quick as possible.

Sorry guys gotta disagree on this one

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

DJ Traveller,

Be carefull about taking all this advice man. Don't let these guys that are all projecting their own negative experiences and negative ideas about women turn you into a paranoid husband and consequently an accomplice to her losing attraction for you and finding someone else who has is sh*t together.

There is nothing wrong with a bunch of people going out to a bar after class. The fact that she is a mother and stuff doesn't mean she can't have fun once in a while. You guys had a fight but she still called you to tell you she was going out. This would not have been a problem for you if she went out with a bunch of girls. Don't let the fact that there was a guy there cause you to stop trusting your wife and going all crazy.

Girls and guys can be friends, people can go out and have fun without them cheating and betraying people. Anyone who tells you otherwise has a f*cked up reality and will probably be single and bitter their whole lives. But hey, at least they would never have been cheated upon.

Get some level headed advice man. If you can, try a little exercise:

Sit down with a very close friend and pretend that the friend is your wife. Then tell you "wife" the entire situation as you see it. Go into detail, talk about what everyone here has said if you want to, really let it all out. Then, your friend should switch places with you and you take his place, then you act as your wife talking to you. And from her perspective (in NLP we call this "second position") you tell your "husband" how you felt, what was going on in your mind, and what really happened from your wife's perspective. Then go into third position, which is a dispassionate "fly on the wall" observer. The observer just reports it without any emotion, passion, or bias. He is seeing two people explain a situation from each of their perspective. In third position talk about what you see. For instance, perhaps the husband is affraid of losing his wife to Josh, perhaps the wife wants to feel loved, appreciated, and desired, etc. Then go into the fourth and final position which is the "system". In your case this fight impacts a system (which is your family and your future). As the system, you need to outlined and think about how a divorce will impact your child and the future you (perhaps your other children with another wife, or more children with this wife). Examine the impact of this fight and the repurcussions from all these dimensions. How will the way you handle this today affect the person you will be ten years from now? Will you also be bitter posting on the internet about how all women cheat, etc? Really dig deep into this...

I can't tell you for sure that she cheated or not. But I have EXTENSIVE experience with women, dating, and long term relationships. I'm also friends with lots of women, and I have a sister that I'm close to. From my perspective, she did not cheat and she needs to have fun and enjoy being 23 years old and living it up. As the man, you need to provide for that and be in control. But first clean up your own sh*t. Do the exercise I recommend, speak to a therapist if you need to, and get your act together. If not, you'll be the one pushing her away because you were not responsive enough to read the signs she was sending.
Cesare Cardinali

 

[Latinoman]

I still disagree with the talking with Josh. Josh would be an OBESE GEEK or even GAY for all I care.

The issue here is not JOSH. The issue here is how she blatantly went out...got drunk...and spent the night in somebody else house. Josh could be Stephany for all I care.

Josh is NOT the issue. The issue is how she acted when things did not go her way.

 

[Latinoman]

DJ Traveller,

Be carefull about taking all this advice man. Don't let these guys that are all projecting their own negative experiences and negative ideas about women turn you into a paranoid husband and consequently an accomplice to her losing attraction for you and finding someone else who has is sh*t together.

There is nothing wrong with a bunch of people going out to a bar after class. The fact that she is a mother and stuff doesn't mean she can't have fun once in a while. You guys had a fight but she still called you to tell you she was going out. This would not have been a problem for you if she went out with a bunch of girls. Don't let the fact that there was a guy there cause you to stop trusting your wife and going all crazy.

Girls and guys can be friends, people can go out and have fun without them cheating and betraying people. Anyone who tells you otherwise has a f*cked up reality and will probably be single and bitter their whole lives. But hey, at least they would never have been cheated upon.

Get some level headed advice man. If you can, try a little exercise:

Sit down with a very close friend and pretend that the friend is your wife. Then tell you "wife" the entire situation as you see it. Go into detail, talk about what everyone here has said if you want to, really let it all out. Then, your friend should switch places with you and you take his place, then you act as your wife talking to you. And from her perspective (in NLP we call this "second position") you tell your "husband" how you felt, what was going on in your mind, and what really happened from your wife's perspective. Then go into third position, which is a dispassionate "fly on the wall" observer. The observer just reports it without any emotion, passion, or bias. He is seeing two people explain a situation from each of their perspective. In third position talk about what you see. For instance, perhaps the husband is affraid of losing his wife to Josh, perhaps the wife wants to feel loved, appreciated, and desired, etc. Then go into the fourth and final position which is the "system". In your case this fight impacts a system (which is your family and your future). As the system, you need to outlined and think about how a divorce will impact your child and the future you (perhaps your other children with another wife, or more children with this wife). Examine the impact of this fight and the repurcussions from all these dimensions. How will the way you handle this today affect the person you will be ten years from now? Will you also be bitter posting on the internet about how all women cheat, etc? Really dig deep into this...

I can't tell you for sure that she cheated or not. But I have EXTENSIVE experience with women, dating, and long term relationships. I'm also friends with lots of women, and I have a sister that I'm close to. From my perspective, she did not cheat and she needs to have fun and enjoy being 23 years old and living it up. As the man, you need to provide for that and be in control. But first clean up your own sh*t. Do the exercise I recommend, speak to a therapist if you need to, and get your act together. If not, you'll be the one pushing her away because you were not responsive enough to read the signs she was sending.
Cesare Cardinali

You forgot to add "married with children" or "divorced with children" in your "resume" you listed above. Wait...you are neither.

Anyway...your advice in this situation is VERY poor. If he does that exercise...he will get phucked. That's my prognosis.

My advice covers all the points. All he has to do is check my posts #313...#315...#324...and #326 in this thread (pages 16-17).​

That covers everything or most everything.

 

[ketostix]

Don't let these guys that are all projecting their own negative experiences and negative ideas about women turn you into a paranoid husband and consequently an accomplice to her losing attraction for you and finding someone else who has is sh*t together.

No, you can't just label everyone else as guys projecting their negative experience and ideas. Let's put aside the fact that she most likely has already cheated and will cheat. This is an example of two camps of thought, well in this case your camp is you and a couple troll women on here, and the other camp is everyone else. It comes down to you're in the camp that always defends the woman and blames the man. The other camp looks at the over all situation and then decides, all the while knowing that no matter what a man does or doesn't do a woman ultimately owns her own behavior. You're basically saying it's all Traveler's fault, wife did nothing wrong that at least can't be justified or blamed on Traveler, and now it's Traveler's duty to fix it. I just don't buy that argument and I'm pretty sure most other guys don't either.

 

[KarmaSutra]

You forgot to add "married with children" or "divorced with children" in your "resume" you listed above. Wait...you are neither.

Anyway...your advice in this situation is VERY poor. If he does that exercise...he will get phucked. That's my prognosis.

My advice covers all the points. All he has to do is check my posts #313...#315...#324...and #326 in this thread (pages 16-17).​

That covers everything or most everything.

This includes the "advice" (give up and take it up the ass is what they advise) from Cordon, Charlie and iqqi.

Latinoman, STR8UP and a couple of other EXPERIENCED Brothers who have first hand knowledge of this exact situation are the ones Traveler should clutch onto with both hands.

This issue is no about Josh or Dumbledore. It's about her. All her. She is the one who bore the marrital responsibility and took an oath under God and country to remain faithful 'til death do they part. Josh saw an opportunity and took it.

Remember ladies, she went to him.

I found out who my ex wife cheated on me with through Verizon. I called the c0cksucker on my cell with her on the land line. I'll say it was quite the minimal conversation and, in reflection, helped me in no way. So I confronted the guy, so what? Did it cathartically expel all of my anger? No. Closure? Nope. That path led to more cancerous thinking so I just let it and her go.