I have been to the gym almost 10 times since Sat of last week. It saved me last time so I went seeking clarity and answers. I think though that because I am in so much better shape than I was the last time around it took more punishment to find the answers I seek. Today, I pushed as hard as I could, even though a nagging tweak in my shoulder I vowed to find the answers in sweat. I think I gained some insight.
I am actually kinda pissed off. Which I think is a good thing. I have been pretty crazy over this thing the last couple of weeks and I am just weary at this point. I am even weary of the ups and highs.
Want to know what I am sick of the most though…
Asking other people what I should do, or think, about this and other situations in my life. I am sick of myself and my self-seeking validations and co-dependent behavior. In my “real” life, I am a very wise and perceptive individual. People are constantly seeking my advice and usually find it so profound and accurate that they eat it up. Why do I lack the frame to advise myself? Because of a pretty girl? Because I yearn to still really replace my original oneitis? Is that what this is all about? I think it all is.
And now I am banking on some flaky chick to solve these issues for me? Just because I think she is the best out of the lot of the 25 or so woman I have dated in the past six months? She is the best I can do? She is going to solve years of insecurities and co-dependent behavior? Are you guys? I ask all these questions without answer because as you read them you know the answer. I have my own work to do.
I like this girl no doubt. I like her because when we are together it works well. But I am starting to see the forest for the trees here. It works well because I am a great guy to be around. Fun and interactive, sweet but tough. Inventive and funny also. She has some great points too but….
Stand her up, off the pedestal ,and away from the mediocrity of the girls I have been out with….What is she really? Shes just some chick. That’s it.
Look, you must believe me when I tell you. I enjoyed sending the flowers and the dinners and dates for myself. It was exciting and fun. I don’t do anything like that for any other girls and it was nice to have one I wanted to do it for. I had an amazing time with her each time. Truly unique from first meeting till our last interaction. But, how much of it was actually her? Maybe I was bringing out the best in her and we were just plain lucky cosmically on our dates. I am starting to see… I am chasing the the luck and the dates and the romance, maybe more than the girl herself. Somewhere, deep in me, I know, this is going to be a letdown eventually.
Wanna know something I didn’t admit before to you guys or myself? I think one of the reasons, (although not the main one by a long shot) I didn’t F^ck this girl when I had the chance is, I am just not that attracted to her body. Shes very, very pretty. (pics upon request)
But shes not my “type” persay. She taller and “bigger” than I like em. I like small petite and fit women. I just do. She is sexy and firm in her own way, and I was actually impressed how drawn to her I was given that this whole time she was not a girl I would normally find my type. This added to her allure. Yet, things are what they are. My penis and my hands do not pedestal as easily as my heart it seems.
Its not pessimism, its guts. Guts and gut feeling start to emerge again when you work out the emotions and brain chemical doping, of a new “great” girl in your life at the gym. Sweat carries these impurities away from your soul and onto the floor where they belong.
I maintain that BTL was right saying that I needed another oneitis let down.
Look, I did it before I can do it again. I need some cold water splashed on my face. That “cold water” was sweat. Pain is weakness leaving the body. When exercise becomes complacent, because it’s the only real relationship there is, its time to put in more effort.
Heres the “real” boys.
Even before I read all of the articles Espi suggested ( some I have actually read before). I knew in some suppressed place that I am still not a “man’ about things. I was doing the work so to speak, but I was still doing it for validation from women, and my parents. I really am not programmed yet, to do things for myself or my own enjoyment or validation. A tough pill to swallow and very tough thing to admit publically. Yet, as is becoming my mantra around here, comradery through authenticity. I cannot posture myself to help others without admitting and submitting my own flaws. I cannot expect real love and advice without being real.
While I was hitting the heavy bag today I thought of SS. I have said this before, but Ill say it again. What woman comes and offers support, and tough love, and uplifting guidance with nothing to gain like you guys do? I have found that stuff here. I am flattered, humbled, encouraged and loved by your interest and support. I am motivated by it too.
Like any student does, when I read the text I think I am an expert and argue, but the lessons are learned in the real world aren’t they? Expertise comes from risk and failure. It gives me solace to fail in front of you all and humble myself for the future of SS. Many complain it is not what it once was, but I only see what it is, and, what it will be, for the next Saline who wanders into its loving grip.
I am not fixed. I am not even close. Its up to me to carpe diem and I cant even tell you that I will. But Ill tell you what, at least I can never say I wasn’t given the tools to build the frame I need.
One thing I don’t think we talk about here enough is patience. We mask patience inside of some game playing. The brain high of a girl we think we like, makes us want to smash the button for more and more of the drug.
Why?
I am going to start working on more self-discipline and self-control. For those of you who need to also I challenge your to come with me. It is the “Lent” season after all. Give something up, and add something positive, that you will do every day till Easter. See what happens?
Here is my plan for Train Girl:
She must reach out to me twice in order for me to respond. She over played her hand. She took the advice of her friend but with the wrong dude. She is a victim of her own skewed perception of me and I am no longer willing to try and change that. Let it be her loss. She wagered now she will see on the river card whether or not she has to pay to play. I have done my dudiligance and then some. Todays flake was my final straw. Let her prove herself to me for taking the risks I have and taking the risk of losing her anyway when and if she moves. I am willing to walk.
P.S For anyone, that ever reads this, now and into the future. You MUST exercise! Find the time. Make it a priority over all else! The best life has to offer is within you already and can be unlocked through exercise. Peel back the layers of comfort and fat ( if you have it) and sweat! Your body and mind will balance itself and you will discover yourself and your own truths.
