The Ultimate Bootcamp

[Dapper Swindler]

Originally posted by evolvingnerd
wow dapper
you've truly inspired me
i read through the entire post and i reckon u've come miles ahead in a matter of no time
congrats

just please stick with it, cause it also gives some of us hope

Hah, are you sure you're reading my thread? Because it feels like all I do is post various failures in my life. I don't really see much improvement in my life and I've pretty much failed bootcamp at this point.

But there's nothing wrong with trying again. Maybe I'll give myself one or two days to do 25 hellos (half the first exercise) and then give the second week my best shot again.

I didn't do much today. Missed my first class, didn't talk to anyone in my second class. Did my laundry, cleaned my room, and played video games. However, I did start listening to the Psychology of Achievement which someone reccomended that I order. So far, I like it because it made me think about things and gave me a new insight into how things work.

I've described my problem before as a spiral or snowball effect. Bad experiences cause more bad experiences, endlessly spiraling down. While good experiences cause good experiences, taking things up. It sounds simple enough, but the more I think about things the more I realize that absolutely everything falls into the spiral effect. Everything I've read in the DJ Bible, self-esteem books, psychology, all of it makes sense in the spiral effect. Everything is about obtaining positive thoughts, actions, experiences and building them into more positive things.

I'm not sure how to begin explaining it right now, but I will show you an example.

Let's say for some reasons, a fellow are having a bad day. Maybe a girl rejected him, maybe he failed a test, maybe you are fighting with a friend. Something is causing him to feel down.
So he is walking around, feeling down about things. A girl passes by and he make eye contact. Should he say hello to the girl or continue? He might think "I feel so bad, I don't feel like making any effort right now. Why should I? Saying hello to this girl couldn't possibly change things. One hello isn't going to make a difference." Those beliefs are true and false. One hello isn't going to make a difference, however it will change the direction of the spiral from going down to going up. Let's say this character splits into two characters, A and B. A says hello to the girl and B does not.

A says hello to the girl. She sort of smiles awkwardly and walks by. Nothing came of it. But A feels a little, but not much better. He made an effort at least.

B does not say hello to the girl. Nothing is gained or lost. But he feels a little more hopeless now that he couldn't even make the effort to say hello. He feels just a little worse.

Next A drives to the gas station. He fills his car and goes inside to pay. Behind the register is an old woman. He thinks about making a stupid comment about how gas prices have gotten a little lower. He thinks, "It's a dumb thing to say, but maybe it will make this senior a little happier if I do it." So he says that and she responds warmly and they exchange a few sentences. He leaves, still feeling pretty bad, but a little better now.

When B goes to the gas station, he also notices the lower prices. He is feeling bad and doesn't even think about saying something to the old woman. He thinks about how one day he will be old and feels bad about that. He pays and leaves. He doesn't feel any better.

A then drives his car (with a full tank of gas) to class. He notices a cute girl sit next to him. He's feeling better about the day but still not really feeling very good and can't get himself to introduce himself. But he compromises and just asks her, "Did you finish the reading for today?" She responds by telling a story about some busy event last night that kept her from doing her homework. They talk about that for a couple minutes.

B gets to class. A the same cute girl sits next to him. He wonders if he should talk to her. "What's the point? She'll never like me." The thought makes him feel even worse.

A is feeling okay at this point. During the lecture, he takes good notes and fills up nearly three pages. He was so busy writing that the time flew by and before he knew it, the class has ended.

B feels like sh it. His mind wanders about how bad his life is. He doesn't take any notes. He constantly checks his watch and counts down the seconds until he can go home. He doesn't learn anything and feels like he wasted his time even coming.

A is feeling like the day has turned around and is going pretty well. Instead of going straight home after class he walks around campus. He says hello to more strangers. He even does a cold approach. The approach isn't very smooth, but he feels good about it anyway because he made the effort.

B can't wait to get home. When he gets home he thinks about doing something constructive but realizes he doesn't have the motivation. Instead he mastubates and takes a nap. He secretly hopes that if he just goes to sleep, maybe when he wakes up something will happen to make his life better.

etc, etc, etc, fast forward a few weeks.

A has lots of hot chicks.

B has killed himself.


This is my point. A was going up on the spiral, B was going down. Because A decided to do the simple action of say hello to someone, he stopped the downward spiral and made it go up. And as time went on, I was trying to show a greater and greater divergence between A and B. Did anything good come from saying hello? No, only that it started him on a positive path which eventually led to very good things. The message here is to always be aware of which direction your spiral is headed. If it is going up, make sure it stays going up. If it is going down make sure you change the direction immediately before it goes further down. Or maybe it just sits there, going neither up or down. In that case, you're not an AFC, just an AC and you always will be.

This example is just one example of how this theory is applied. Like I said earlier, every bit of good advice I've ever heard fits into this idea somehow. I'll talk about it more later. But for now I've given an inspirational example of how this works.

Right now I have a big paper I have to write for school. I don't want to write it, it won't be fun. I could either procrastinate about it tonight and try to rush through it tomorrow, or I could write it now. How will I feel when I wake up tomorrow knowing that I wasted my time and have a big paper to write in one night. What actions will those feelings lead me to? How will I feel when I wake up tomorrow and realize I have finished a huge paper in one night? What actions will those feelings lead me to? Which direction will I make the spiral go?

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Too bad no one posted. I missed my class again today. I was about to miss my second when I realized the spiral theory going into effect. So I ran to class even though I was five minutes late. I said hello to Sayaka today but we didn't talk very long. She told me that she was going to go study after class. Maybe she was afraid I was going to invite her on another boring walk. I saw the girl I number closed on last week, Michelle, at the bookstore. She was with a guy who was obviously her boyfriend. Oh well. I won't call her now but I'll say hello if I bump into her again. I said hello to a few more people. But I was mostly feeling bad today. I've been unmotivated for a while now. Hopefully I will get caught up with things and try again.

 

[Acheron]

Hey Dapper,

Try not to feel too bad. It sounds like your lack of success stems much more from crappy luck than from crappy game. Is there anything you can do, like jogging or working out, to temporarily take your mind off BC?

Your screen name is great, btw.

Best of luck,

Ach.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Thanks. I made some modifications to my profile at lavalife. I took the suggestions from MrCode (thanks MrCode!), but it isn't drastically different. Since I don't have much to lose with all the crazies that use these things, I want to try to use this experience practicing being C&F, confident, and completely unlike myself. Now all I need is a good picture. Can anyone reccomend a way to get a good picture of yourself?

 

[*Mariosex]

I'm sorry to say I have no advice to give, but that I am following your every move taking mental notes from your experiences. I hope you don't give up on this (Even if you think you've failed). What ever happens, I'll follow your experiences with great interest.

Best of luck.

 

[MRomeo99]

Yo Dap,

Glad you got the Psychology of Achievement. I'm sure you'll like it. Some of the things are kind of cheesy but they do work. The trick with these tape sets is repeated listening. Don't listen to it once, listen to it constantly. You're going to need to listen to it pretty much every day for the next few months to get it really ingrained. I promise if you commit to that, you will have no choice but to get a better attitude in life. Just consider it one more part of the puzzle.

Don't give up on the bootcamp. Just make it your own. So what if you slid backwards. Who gives a sh1t? The only way for you to fail, would be to quit. You don't have to become a DJ overnight, you just have to be a little better today than you were yesterday. If it takes you a month to finish a "week" of the bootcamp, then it takes you a month. Who cares? Not everyone will progress at the same rate. Just commit to constantly reevaluate what you are doing, and how to get better. Get better in all aspects of your life, not just in meeting women. Get a life outside of the bootcamp, it will make a difference.

Don't stop Dap, you're doing fine. Just don't stop.

M

 

[Acheron]

Originally posted by Dapper Swindler Can anyone reccomend a way to get a good picture of yourself? [/B]

Take several pictures of yourself or have a friend take several pictures of you. Then ask a girl you know fairly well which picture she likes the most.

 

[MrCode]

Hey Dap,

I'm glad my suggestions for your profile helped you. It was my pleasure.

I just wanted to comment on your spiral theory: I think you are really on to something here, and you clearly have the solution to your problems right there in your post. All you have to do is become person A by choosing to make the effort you need to make to move your spiral from the downward side to the upward side. It is all about personal choice.

You can see in your mind the benefits of being person A, so just make the decision now that when you feel yourself slipping down, you will conciously make the effort you feel you need to start going up again. If you keep this up for a while, it will eventually become automatic and guess what? You will never find yourself going down the spiral again. Sure, bad things may happen. They happen to all of us. But with the right attitude, you will be able to accept the bad, deal with it, and move on.

Once you do this, your misfortunes will no longer have power over you, and your destiny will be in your own hands.

By the way, I too have had trouble with Week 2 of the Boot Camp, and will be extending it into next week. Now, in my case I had another hurricane come through Florida over the weekend which put a damper on the boot camp activities, but I've accepted that, and moved on. I probably could have used Monday-Wednesday of this week to get in the conversations I needed for Week 2, but I didn't. Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, and neither should you.

So let's both keep up with the hi's, and start Week 2.5 with a new focus to do what we need to do to become the men we want to be. Are you with me?

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by Dapper Swindler
I had nothing interesting to say. I don't know if I'm too nervous to think of stuff or I'm afraid of saying something in English that she won't understand or what. But I don't think she was having a very good time. Then I finally try to do this conversation thing. I tried so hard but could not find it in me to just start talking to someone. This is a hundred times harder than saying hello to someone passing by.

I normally don't advise on Bootcamp FRs but it seems like you're putting in the effort so I thought I'd give my 2 cents on how to improve your convo skills.

First and foremost, forget being able to converse with women. Can you even converse with guys? Next time you go out with your guy friends, try to participate more in the conversation. Furthermore, make sure you have a variety of guy friends. If you're a techy, you want an abundance of non-techy friends as well. If you can't keep your guy friends entertained, I highly doubt you'll keep a chick entertained. If your guy friends are all nerds and techies, get a broader circle of friends, especially ones that are funny and socialize well.

Next, you gotta practice story telling. Alot of exciting sh*t happens to people every day. Unfortunately, most people can't verbalize their daily events in an exciting way. Let's say John is crappy at story telling and Mike is the most exciting story teller you've ever met. John almost got killed today by a runaway car with 5 police cars on its tail. On the other hand, Mike sees a new menu item at McDonalds. We know who's story is more exciting. But I guarantee you, people will find Mike's story of the new menu item at McDonalds infinitely more interesting than John's life & death story because Mike knows how to tell it in an interesting way. Try practicing/rehearsing your stories with your closer guy friends before you spring it on your date.

The next is fluff talk. This is interwined with story telling because if you can tell good stories, even your fluff talk becomes interesting. Make sure you stay abreast of news (local/international) and what's going on around campus. Hell, I can even make fluff talk out of the current weather. Or surroundings. Or the fricken road! Dude, make fun of your Prof if need be!

Finally, add phyiscal mannerisms when you fluff talk and story tell. You can adjust your voice. Better yet if you can do impressions. Use facial expressions as well. Use your hands. Hell, sometimes use your whole body. Even if your Japanese friend can't understand English, the entire world can understand body language.

Last, but not least, change takes time. Nuff said. Good luck.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Well I have a lot of people to thank for replying and as long as you guys take the effort to reply, I'll try to make the effort to continue. However, there will be probably be more of these whiney, low moments.

I didn't do anything today. I went to classes, then I went home. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't go to the JCC meeting today. I felt very tired and worn out so I just wanted to get home and recharge myself somehow. This is a low moment but I think I can snap out of it anytime now.

Acheron I don't have any friends that I would feel comfortable explaining the situation to. I think I should get some cheap professional pictures. I wonder if they do that kind of thing in the mall somewhere. Does anyone know?

MrCode I think I need some more time before I start on week 2 again. I need to find my motivation I had when I started. I think if I take some time to reassess the situation I will find it. I'd like to make the effort to start changing the spiral direction but I feel like I can't figure out exactly what to do at this point. At the moment, bootcamp feels like it is set up for people who are already normal. For me, this feels like trying to practice running when I can't crawl yet.

Maximus_Decimus I think you are right. At least it feels that way today. I don't know how to talk to guys that are normal college guys. I don't have any friends that could be wingmen. I'm not sure why this is. It could be because normal guys like that make me feel ashamed of myself because I cannot be like them. Or maybe it's just because I don't feel like they have anything to offer me so there is no reason to make friends with them. I think I understand the importance of telling stories and sounding enthusiastic and interesting. But is this something that one can learn or does it come naturally?


Something happened today that may have been a significant realization. But it may not be. It will take a while to explain. In class today we had a legislation simulation. Basically, we were senators and had to decide on a policy to deal with an international issue. The issue was that about drug trafficing in Columbia. A rebel group wanted to overthrow the U.S. involvement in Columbia's drug production. The Columbian government was trying, but failing, to suppress these groups. It's much more complicated than that but I summarized it. I was working with two other guys. None of us knew each other, but the other two guys were "normal". Naturally they got along well. They both reached the conclusion that the solution would have to be a U.S. air strike against the rebel groups, killing them and their drug production. They were very ****y about that idea. But I decided that it was not a very good one; the rebel groups were not card carrying members, it was an ingrained ideology rather than a black and white issue. Air strikes could not easily identify and destroy targets. To use full military force would be too costly, too many civilians in the grey areas would be killed, and the military would be overextended in destroying black and grey areas. Instead I favored supporting and stabilizing the Columbian government who was already familiar with dealing with this problem for years, only they have been too weak to be successful against it. With additional U.S. strength, the Columbian government should be able to manage it more effectively. This would save money, lives, military, etc. As you can already tell, whether you agree with me or not, I took this more seriously than the other two guys. I weakly tried to explain my position to them but they rejected it. I didn't try very hard to convince them because I was afraid to argue with them. Anyway, the other two guys became fast friends while I was still thinking about the issue. Now I don't know what this says about my relationship with other people but I think this example is analogous of it. Maybe I take things too seriously and I should just lighten up. Or maybe I should stop being weak and modest and stop worrying about offending people with my thoughts.


So I have been in a low mood for the last few days. I've missed opportunities to make any new relationships. But more importantly, I don't function like everyone else. A few weeks ago, I talked about how everyone else I observe acting normally act the same as I do about 10 minutes a week when I am in my very best mood. I don't know why I function in such a low mood all the time. I've become so used to it, that I don't even realize it unless I observe other people. I speculated earlier how maybe something in my childhood set my mind apart from others. Or maybe my subconscious is upset because of my disappointments and failures. But now I'm thinking that maybe there is just something wrong with my brain. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance. Maybe all people who have been diagnosed with "chemical imbalances" are really people who just have some problem they cannot identify so they turn to drugs instead.

 

[Acheron]

I don't have any friends that I would feel comfortable explaining the situation to. I think I should get some cheap professional pictures. I wonder if they do that kind of thing in the mall somewhere. Does anyone know?

Don't explain it to her, just request that she pick one. If she asks what the pic is for, say something like, "I have to send it to my grandmother because I haven't seen her in a while and she misses me."

If you go to a professional chain, have a few different pictures taken and ask any female employee you see which shot she prefers. You can usually get cheap professional photos at places like Wal Mart and K-Mart.

 

[Aresx]

you should try DeAngelo's stuff....

that's the basic mentailty

focus on inner game

 

[MrCode]

Or maybe I should stop being weak and modest and stop worrying about offending people with my thoughts.

Yep, that is a good first step. It is liberating to just speak your mind without worrying too much about "offending people" or being non-politically correct.

In fact, being that way with women will do a lot more for you than constantly trying to say things you think they will approve.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

I tried to turn things around today, but I don't think it worked. Last night I read a lot of the DJ Bible and felt inspired. I went home and worked out and wrote affirmations as reccomended by "The Psychology of Achievement". I wrote 5 statements about myself that I would like to be true, 10x each. I'm skeptical that it will work but I'm willing to try anything.

Today I made it to class on time but didn't talk to anyone. In my next class I talked a little bit with Kristin about the service fraternity and how she could still join even though she missed the induction ceremony Sunday. Then I picked up my dry cleaning and went home. I did some grocery shopping. There is a portrait studio in Walmart but for some reason it takes 3 weeks to develop your pictures. I might as well do it though, I've been needing pictures for a long time. I was talking to this lady about how the portrait studio thing worked. She said that sometimes it takes a while because kids won't behave and you have to wait. I said something like, "I'll try to behave." At first she laughed, then she said something like "I didn't mean you . . ." She couldn't tell that I was joking. She did at first, then thought I was serious. I've noticed this happens a lot. And I think the reason is because I always look completely serious even when I'm joking. Even when I say something goofy it's completely deadpan and people aren't sure if it was a joke or not despite how absurd it is. I suppose I will have to remember to smile or something when I say something that isn't meant to be taken seriously. It happened again while I was checking out my groceries. The girl asked me "Do you want your milk in a bag?" and I respond "You should leave the milk in the jugs so it doesn't spill everywhere". I guess she could tell that was a lame joke but didn't respond very well because I was so serious. Whenever I say something like that I should say it loud and confidently, then smile so they know I'm joking. I guess I don't have a lot of confidence that people are going to think I'm funny.

Then I dropped my car off to finally get fixed. The driver's side door does not open at all. I have to crawl in through the side door. How embarassing is that? I'm afraid to pick up dates because they will see it. I don't need that holding me back.

I was going to go to a movie thing for the APO (a coed service fraternity thing I joined this week) but I was too tired so I took a nap. Now I'm at work and I haven't done anything productive. Just reading about the presidential debates.

Aresx How can I find DeAngelo's stuff? I can't just search for a username.

MrCode You're right. I don't think I will ever fit in with normal people anyway. I think it would be best for me to just express who I am with confidence instead and maybe I will be liked or maybe I won't.

Sazuki I'm not sure what my problem is. I think it might be my mother, she is kind of odd. As a child she always spoke for me because I was too shy to say things. She still does that sometimes, although I'm not too shy to answer myself. Maybe she was too overprotective or something. I have one memory about being forced to see the school counselor in third grade. My teacher made me go after I started writing "F" on all the workbook papers I would turn in. I would do the worksheet, then give myself a grade of "F" at the top in red ink before I turned it in. That does sound pretty messed up now that I think about it.

When I mentioned drugs to correct chemical imbalances I was actually talking about prozac and that sort of thing. Although I want to talk about social drug use later. I've taken prozac and about everything else that's out there over the years. I don't think they ever did anything. I realized that I didn't have "depression" which is an irrational sadness. I knew exactly what I was sad about. Although, maybe it is irrational. I don't know, but that stuff never had any effect anyway.

Sorry for so much introspection. Tomorrow I hope to make my post look like an actual bootcamp post. Thanks for your input.

 

[Aresx]

no no no,

David DeAngelo

as in www.doubleyourdating.com

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Last night I had nothing to do again. I went out to the club I always go to. Angela was there and that really stung that she didn't call me or anything. She barely said hello to me and then ignored me. At some point she left. No one wanted to dance with me the whole time I was there.

When I came home I sort of broke down completely. I made the mistake of being weak and trying to talk to my friend Jackie about it. She was nice enough to be concerned, but ultimately there's nothing anyone can do.

Today I tried to call Angela and act completely natural like nothing had happened. She didn't seem at all interested in talking to me. I asked if she wanted to get together tonight but she said she was doing something with her friends (how does some mute girl who can't hold up a conversation for two seconds have friends while I don't? Some kind of conspiracy I think). It's obvious that she is rejecting me and that sucks because she is about the bottom of the quality ladder. I'm paralyzed with low self esteem.

I'll be at home the rest of this weekend. I'll try to get this out of my system and reevaluate the situation. I'll have to think of some way to continue, but it gets harder every day.

 

[thebsharp]

Hey man, ive been following your "journal" for awhile now. I got a sense that you are living in this vicious cycle of trying to improve (putting on the game face) but still weak and insecure inside. People will see thru that, for instance: When you talk to a girl, you seems to be happy and use C&F or whatever. Later on she sees you standing there looking down and sad since thats how you really feel because you cant put up a front forever. You need to work on your inner game first.

Stop analizing the hell out of everything man, you remember every single little thing about your day, you do this about girls too. Do this too much and you star to doubt yourselves and become paranoid.

Maybe appearace could be the issue here, do you have a picture of yoursleves? maybe we can help you look better.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

Originally posted by thebsharp
Hey man, ive been following your "journal" for awhile now. I got a sense that you are living in this vicious cycle of trying to improve (putting on the game face) but still weak and insecure inside. People will see thru that, for instance: When you talk to a girl, you seems to be happy and use C&F or whatever. Later on she sees you standing there looking down and sad since thats how you really feel because you cant put up a front forever. You need to work on your inner game first.

Stop analizing the hell out of everything man, you remember every single little thing about your day, you do this about girls too. Do this too much and you star to doubt yourselves and become paranoid.

Maybe appearace could be the issue here, do you have a picture of yoursleves? maybe we can help you look better.

Of course you're right. It is a vicious circle or spiral. I have incredibly low self esteem so no matter what I do, I fail because of it. And when I fail, my esteem gets even lower. It gets worse and worse. I don't know what to do. If I just felt as "happy" as a normal person, I would be fine. I don't know how to work on inner game. I can't change how I feel. What would you reccomend? Exercise? Hobbies? Medication? I've never gotten that to work. The only way to gain confidence is to get success.

Tonight, for example, I met with some friends that I know. I wasn't in the mood but I decided to give it a shot. My mood didn't really pick up any. Then Girl A entered the picture and all I could think about was how hurt I was that she rejected me. If I could just act normal and happy then maybe someday she would like me, hell, most girls probably would. I didn't even try to hang around and be friendly, I went home.

I don't think my appearance is the issue. I wish it was so the problem could be identified that easily. I'm not unattractive, I'm not socially inept, I'm not shy (I realize this now), it's simply my negativity that gets in the way of absolutely everything. But I will post a picture when I get one anyway.

 

[MoveYourAss...]

STOP WHINING

your wasting your time and energy. Invest it in changing your situation. It's hard, but so is going on like this for the rest of your life.

Don't dig too deep finding out how you became like this, I didn't find out till today. An exceptional hint here is the article on the main page (somewhere) "You became an social coward by accident" or someting like this. Search for it, it is REALLY good.

But first of all:

STOP WHINING

MoveYourA$$... and your brain will follow

 

[thebsharp]

I know how you feel man but you are goin about this the wrong way, i remember when i was in a slump where i couldn get girls numbers if i had pay for it. I soon realize that i was looking for a girlfriend and not having fun, i came off desparate and needy and not even realizing it. I dint get what was wrong with my game, i got depressed, went on the board ranting and looking for anwers.

Just stop giving a sh!t man, if angela givin you attutide, give HER attitude. You want acceptance so much that you are letting people walk all over you including yourselves so stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Other then that i dont know what your problem is, you seems to be trying hard to things dont go your way. Maybe the problem is your are trying too hard.