The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[andreihaha]

Reading the last few pages here, i remembered i actually thought about contacting an ex from a few months ago for some casual sex.
I'm so glad I'm so used to drinking lots wine and didn't do more than think about it for a few secs .
Stay strong, mates!

 

[DelayedGratification]

I’ll accept your baggage, but I need your communication. I’ll accept your insecurities, but I need your trust. If you’re not willing to grow out of your pain, then what’s the point of any of this?

Can't get this across well via a posting, but my GF has a way of saying "Excellent!" that is an exquisite combination of deadpan-yet-dripping-with-sarcasm. I could hear my GF's voice loud and clear in my head when I read the above tag line.

Last year, about two months post-breakup, I broke NC and went a bit off the rails over text in a cringy-and-futile venting session over her behavior. Her response was; "if we're going to see each other again, it has to be after you've healed". I didn't say it in the moment, but my immediate thought was that when I'm healed, it will be when I no longer want to have her in any part of my life.

Your ex's tag line is right up there on the same plane of reality-disconnect. I mean, really? "What's the point of any of this?" Don't even know where to begin...

 

[andreihaha]

Now you need to focus on moving forward, filling the void with friends. exercise and hobbies.

Or simply not seeing it as a void.
Sh1t happens, next!

 

[narcissist]

Day 13

 

[narcissist]

She dropped off my sh1t yesterday. Good thing I wasnt home. Now theres no expectation of bumping into her and so I can put her out of mind for good.

 

[andreihaha]

She dropped off my sh1t yesterday. Good thing I wasnt home. Now theres no expectation of bumping into her and so I can put her out of mind for good.

Oh you just made me realize i forgot a few stuff at my ex's appartment, including my sexiest pijama pants
Not enough of a reason to contact her tho.
I'm perfectly fine with her telling me she's with someone else and wants to return my stuff. Closure can be tough to obtain, but when it comes, it's so liberating

 

[bcude]

Or simply not seeing it as a void.
Sh1t happens, next!

Easier said than done. Let's be real and honest here, if the relationship you had with a woman was meaningful she took up some space in you somehow and your lives will have intertwined, especially cohabitating with her. When it ends this will leave a void inside you that needs to be healed. That's why it can feel so empty when it just ends. What now? Replacing that void with other meaningful activities/hobbies and people that loves us brings us meaning again.
Since most guys aren't on their path and purpose in life and make their women too important, maybe even base their happiness upon her, this void pains even more when it eventually ends and just ignoring it and pretending it's not there isn't good for your emotional health in the long run. It will catch up.

 

[dude99]

dude99, i know your mindset of one chance in a lifetime with you so you get over your exes completely and don't what anything from them whatsoever, but how would you handle it when the ex (you have a good memory of) keeps reaching out to you to "check in" how you're doing months/years apart?
As in calling, not sending texts where you can see what she wants.

I have this happen from time to time with a couple of ex's.

I will give you the break down with what happened on one occasion. This one ex pulled the "i am confused, not sure what is going on with me, but she wanted a break so she could figure things out.

We all know what a girl means when they want a break. she wanted to pursue another dude. I dont give breaks. I end things.

My answer " take all the time you need. Good bye." And sure enough 2 days later i find out she is dating a new guy. I guess her confusion was over.

Long story short he tapped her a few times then moved on to the next girl. Leaving her out in the cold. I had a feeling she would reach out. Women always look back.

When the first reach out happend after 2 months :
In the beginning i make it clear to them i am extremely busy and and give them 3 minutes of my time. That is it. I am polite. i am positive but busy. I give them 3 minutes, i give them zero information about how i am doing emotionally or what is going on in my life i only listen. After 3 minutes i tell them it was nice to hear from them but i must be going i have a busy day and have to get ready for a date. Take care and click. i hang up.

2nd reachout 2.5. months after break up.
Again i am busy. I am positive. I am polite. Again limit the time to 3 minutes. I give zero information about what is going on in my life. she starts to ask questions, about what is going on in my life/ who i am seeing if i am seeing anyone. Getting very nosey.

Now here is the key. Feed them nothing. I become very prevaricative in how i answer " geeze that is a topic for another time. We will have to catch up another time, good to hear from you but time is a crunching. Bye for now. Click."

Her panic began. 3rd reach out. Very next day. she knows i have moved on. Hearing from her has done nothing to me. I have not validated her like she expected.

She asks if we could meet for coffee tomorrow. I answer no sorry my schedule is booked. She counters with 2 more times. No and no i answer with. I already have plans. I make zero counter offer Then i tell her i have to run. Take care. Click.

1 week after that she called and wanting to meet up. This is where i make it clear i am too busy gor her. i just say no. I tell her She had one chance and she blew it. I told her i am not interested in seeing her and i am way to busy for her friendship. I remind her she wanted the break. I remind her this is her doing and actions have consequences. i remind her she wanted me out of her life and she got her wish and i didnt understand why she was upset. crying began. i told her i have to go. i am busy. The insults started to fly. I hung up. No good bye no take care just click. Women do not handle rejection as well as men do because they very rarely have to face it.

She proceeded to call for the next 4 months daily and i hung up as soon as i heard her voice.


That is how i handled one. She actually though i should just wait for her to go date other guys then use me as her security net.

Nope. one chance. One.

 

[dude99]

I’m not quite ready to go nuclear on her just yet. She’s a good girl, just inexperienced in relationships and handling her emotions. To be honest I was probably the first real boyfriend she has ever had.

Like most women, she just doesn’t know what the f..k she wants. Possibly me adopting a more alpha mindset is just the push she needs to dig her head out of her ass. One thing is for certain if I give her another shot, there will be consequences to her actions that I don’t like; and she is going to earn anything she gets.

To be honest it isnt your responsibility to help them figure out what they want. That will get you put into the friend zone. Your job is to date her/eff her. Do not be her shrink.

If she is immature in her emotions as you pointed out but a good girl, then maybe getting dumped and you walking away is what she needs.

A woman will only value you and respect you when she knows she can not cross your boundaries. this is how you adopt an alpha mindset.

Giving her another shot will teach her that you will not hold her responsible for her actions. When a woman knows you will give her 2 more 3 more etc chances, she will get worse. not improve.

 

[dude99]

Day 31 - and then it got weird...

So I changed my profile picture on Facebook today, hid the notification from my timeline.

Within 30 minutes the ex changes hers, to a picture she hated but I told her was one of my favorite pictures of her.

When Rollo says women default to covert communication, this is what he’s talking about.

She is watching you

Ignore.

 

[dude99]

Rollo also said that women only resort to overt communications when they are out of options. Shortly after the picture change she posts this:

I’ll accept your baggage, but I need your communication. I’ll accept your insecurities, but I need your trust. If you’re not willing to grow out of your pain, then what’s the point of any of this?

Ignore. next.

 

[bcude]

I have this happen from time to time with a couple of ex's.

I will give you the break down with what happened on one occasion. This one ex pulled the "i am confused, not sure what is going on with me, but she wanted a break so she could figure things out.

We all know what a girl means when they want a break. she wanted to pursue another dude. I dont give breaks. I end things.

My answer " take all the time you need. Good bye." And sure enough 2 days later i find out she is dating a new guy. I guess her confusion was over.

Long story short he tapped her a few times then moved on to the next girl. Leaving her out in the cold. I had a feeling she would reach out. Women always look back.

When the first reach out happend after 2 months :
In the beginning i make it clear to them i am extremely busy and and give them 3 minutes of my time. That is it. I am polite. i am positive but busy. I give them 3 minutes, i give them zero information about how i am doing emotionally or what is going on in my life i only listen. After 3 minutes i tell them it was nice to hear from them but i must be going i have a busy day and have to get ready for a date. Take care and click. i hang up.

2nd reachout 2.5. months after break up.
Again i am busy. I am positive. I am polite. Again limit the time to 3 minutes. I give zero information about what is going on in my life. she starts to ask questions, about what is going on in my life/ who i am seeing if i am seeing anyone. Getting very nosey.

Now here is the key. Feed them nothing. I become very prevaricative in how i answer " geeze that is a topic for another time. We will have to catch up another time, good to hear from you but time is a crunching. Bye for now. Click."

Her panic began. 3rd reach out. Very next day. she knows i have moved on. Hearing from her has done nothing to me. I have not validated her like she expected.

She asks if we could meet for coffee tomorrow. I answer no sorry my schedule is booked. She counters with 2 more times. No and no i answer with. I already have plans. I make zero counter offer Then i tell her i have to run. Take care. Click.

1 week after that she called and wanting to meet up. This is where i make it clear i am too busy gor her. i just say no. I tell her She had one chance and she blew it. I told her i am not interested in seeing her and i am way to busy for her friendship. I remind her she wanted the break. I remind her this is her doing and actions have consequences. i remind her she wanted me out of her life and she got her wish and i didnt understand why she was upset. crying began. i told her i have to go. i am busy. The insults started to fly. I hung up. No good bye no take care just click. Women do not handle rejection as well as men do because they very rarely have to face it.

She proceeded to call for the next 4 months daily and i hung up as soon as i heard her voice.


That is how i handled one. She actually though i should just wait for her to go date other guys then use me as her security net.

Nope. one chance. One.

Good stuff, thanks for this insight. Just to put it into context, how were you in the relationship. Did you become weak towards the end? Or was it just a monkey branch swing?
You handled it way better than me. I wish i heard this stuff before my ex checked in on me being EXTREMELY nosey, unfortunately i gave her too much information about my life before i ended the conversation like a good boy to his mother. Haven't heard from her after that (1 month) and i fear this pattern might continue.

I'm better prepared for the future now.

I applaud her though, she outsmarted me big time pretending to have dialed the wrong number reaching out but didn't do it officially at the same time and gathering information at the same time.

 

[dude99]

Good stuff, thanks for this insight. Just to put it into context, how were you in the relationship. Did you become weak towards the end? Or was it just a monkey branch swing?
You handled it way better than me. I wish i heard this stuff before my ex checked in on me being EXTREMELY nosey, unfortunately i gave her too much information about my life before i ended the conversation like a good boy to his mother. Haven't heard from her after that (1 month) and i fear this pattern might continue.

I'm better prepared for the future now.

I applaud her though, she outsmarted me big time pretending to have dialed the wrong number reaching out but didn't do it officially at the same time and gathering information at the same time.

It was just a branch swing actually. She started a new job then i noticed the "the shift" as someone pointed out here earlier. Phone calls werent getting returned as quickly as before, suddenly she had to put in a lot of over time. She wasnt available like she was before. Stuff like that. I figured she was getting new attention from some guy at her new job. Turned out i was right. I didnt know at the time i just noticed the change in behaviour and attitude. i started to withdraw. Started to make my own plans. Went 2 -3 days without calling her She noticed and called me out on it. I pointed out her sudden change etc and said it was the reason for my withdrawal. That is when she said she was confused and needed some time to think. I asked what did she mean? What did she need to think about? And that is when she said she needed a break from us and said she thought it would be good for us to take some time away from each other. She was too stressed and her life was confusing. Her new job was causing her a lot of "problems" i knew her old boss, he was a buddy of mine and he said he would take her back. I suggested that she was "much happier at her old job." She got angrily defensive about her new job. Very angrily defensive. That moment is right there i knew there was another guy in the picture so i told her take all the time she needs and good bye.

She said but this is just a temporary good bye right? I said relationships don't need breaks. no. Goodbye.

She then cried about it. Said she still loved me etc told me i had wait for her blah blah blah poured her heart out with all this emotional junk andi got up and left and less than 48 hours later she was dating the guy from her new job.

 

[xplt]

Day... IDGAF. Almost three months that I left her. And I feel awesome.
My life is in order again. New outlook, sharp focus, new hobbies, old hobbies, new women. I'm feeling like everything I gave up on myself in this last relationship came back to me. Seems like this heartbreak was needed to wake up.

 

[Don De Grey]

One thing's for sure. She's desperate of getting your attention.

Remind us of who broke up with who, and the reason's for it. It is clear she wants you back.

She broke up with me, we had been talking since February, didn’t start dating until late July, broke up end of August.

The first two weeks was probably the best start of any relationship I have had, the last day of those two weeks she stayed the night at my apartment.

The day after that is when things started falling apart. Her male roommate treated her like an ass when she went back home and the next day he said he was in love with her. This ****ed her up emotionally. I was on a plane to the other side of the country that day, once I landed her text messages got real short (one or two word replies all week).

When I got back home she told me what went down and said she needed a break, over the next few days I lost my **** like a typical afc.

Two weeks later she broke up with me, and said she wasn’t going to date anyone for awhile. We talked for about 10 days after that (she initiated all communication). Then one day she sent me an email about vaping killing people, I replied that I started the process of weaning myself off of nicotine after our first week of dating because of her allergies.

That is when no contact began, she didn’t reach out again until a month after that email.

 

[Don De Grey]

Replies in bold

Thanks man, just the kick in the ass that I needed. I just sent her a goodbye text, removed her from Instagram, blocked her from Facebook, messenger and her phone number before deleting her contact info.

 

[bcude]

She actually though i should just wait for her to go date other guys then use me as her security net.

I think this is in the back of the mind of most exes. It's alot about territory and control. When you're in a relationship you somehow feel the right over that person, where she is, what she does etc. The one that eventually become the dumper feels the sense of control since that person is the decider of both of your futures. This sense of power then gets lost when we withdraw and stay in NC, being in the dark, not knowing, because it sends a message we could be totally unphased by her leaving which obviously makes the hamster spin into overdrive since she obviously thought she was or could do better than us and seeing us miserable is the confirmation she wants to see now. It's very important for her to confirm she did the right thing breaking up with us, because doubts will always be there in the back of their minds knowing the chaotic nature of women.

Moral of the story. Stay mentally strong and don't give her back the power and validate her decision of leaving us. Dumpers do all kinds of things to lure us back in to regain power and then panic when reality hits them and they have to live with the consequences of their decision.

 

[narcissist]

Day 14 two weeks baby.

 

[the_cog]

Day 25. Everything is off track, exercise, sleep, diet. I'm depressed. At times I long for her to contact me. I need to snap out of it.

So I found out that her and her ex bf were still in communication during our time together. That now all of a sudden they are even best buds. Haha.. yeah, no wonder she needed time "to work on herself."

 

[HenBogan]

Day 7

I fcked up by fcking her...

I gave her all the power back.... No fool like an old fool...