The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Firestar786]

Will be 6 weeks this Thursday

To be honest I have pretty much forgot about her. Probably because I knew I was better off without her anyway lol

 

[alex_in24]

Hello Guys, long time no see!

Some of you might still remember me and my posts so you will know what i will talk about.

So its almost 5 months since my break up and 4 months of complete No contact. She didn't try to reach me, nor did I.

I don't know where to start...in these 5 months a lot of things have happened on my personal development. Positive things ofcourse. But lets leave that story for another time. Lets talk about my emotions towards my ex since its more interesting subject.

I don't miss her. I don't love her. I don't even stalk her on fb or insta or snap or whatever since it doesnt bother me anymore. I dont know what she is up to, nor did I have seen her. 1-2 times in a month im having dreams about her but thats it. Im not mentioning her anymore to my friends and im not comparing another girls to her anymore.

But there is one thing ofcourse that still bothers me, and it sucks i know that.. I feel some kind of anger, i dunno if its towards her or myself. Thats because i found out so many things about her past before me (negative ones, slu tty ones). And these things come to me so fvcking random. I didn't even wanted to try to know them but the wheel spins, and everything is found out. I feel anger because the ideal i made of her, isnt quite compatible to the real her! I was in a relationship with a girl that presented herself in sooo different way than she actually was. And that fvcking bothers me. Its like i could go back into time, and break up with her first. Yeah i know that this is a revenge fantasy but fvck it, thats what i feel right now, because i dated a biiiiig slu t apparently..

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 34

My ex asked me, "Where you movin'?" I said, "On to better things".

- Drake, 10 Bands

 

[BeTheChange]

Missing her. Don't want her back or anything like that.

Just missing her company. I think what makes it that little bit harder for me is the fact that we lived together and spent so much time in each other's company. She almost certainly has her replacement boyfriend because she is not mentally strong enough to stand on her own. I guess as far as she is concerned us men are all interchangeable. That doesn't work for me. I lost my best friend as lame as it sounds to say it. Going out and meeting new people isn't going to change that loss. Not really writing with any kind of solution in mind except to say it is what it is.

Overall I'm happy with life but I wanted to make this post just so it's clear that although I've been trying to stay positive and look on the bright side of things, it doesn't completely numb the pain. No amount of reframing in my mind can absolve the fact that I lost someone, who for three years was a very important part of my life. But life goes on and the pain will eventually subside and will be replaced by something else. A greater version of me.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Hello Guys, long time no see!

Some of you might still remember me and my posts so you will know what i will talk about.

So its almost 5 months since my break up and 4 months of complete No contact. She didn't try to reach me, nor did I.

I don't know where to start...in these 5 months a lot of things have happened on my personal development. Positive things ofcourse. But lets leave that story for another time. Lets talk about my emotions towards my ex since its more interesting subject.

I don't miss her. I don't love her. I don't even stalk her on fb or insta or snap or whatever since it doesnt bother me anymore. I dont know what she is up to, nor did I have seen her. 1-2 times in a month im having dreams about her but thats it. Im not mentioning her anymore to my friends and im not comparing another girls to her anymore.

But there is one thing ofcourse that still bothers me, and it sucks i know that.. I feel some kind of anger, i dunno if its towards her or myself. Thats because i found out so many things about her past before me (negative ones, slu tty ones). And these things come to me so fvcking random. I didn't even wanted to try to know them but the wheel spins, and everything is found out. I feel anger because the ideal i made of her, isnt quite compatible to the real her! I was in a relationship with a girl that presented herself in sooo different way than she actually was. And that fvcking bothers me. Its like i could go back into time, and break up with her first. Yeah i know that this is a revenge fantasy but fvck it, thats what i feel right now, because i dated a biiiiig slu t apparently..

I can totally relate to this. I had one ex that I thought I would never get out of my system but found that by a couple of years of NC, somehow I was cured. I don't even have the lingering anger anymore. 2 years ago she re-initiated contact and I talk to her now on average once a month. She's re-married with a baby. I don't feel anything when I see a pic of her or interact with her. No longer want her to suffer so that's healthy for me.

My current day 65 NC, I'm not there yet. I have the same anger over lies and terrible behavior and there was never any big blow up to even get them out into the air. Just bottled up and it does eat at you. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and hope the love AND hatred both go away. I hope the hatred goes first but I'll take either one.

 

[Carpathian]

She reached out again, three times in a week after four months NC, basically asking me to go round and bang her for some "no questions asked" adult play time. I'm still going to ignore her. I have another woman going now (early days) and do not want to risk anything going bad with that by me being weak and succumbing to easy sexual temptation. What do you guys think? She is clearly trying to tempt me. There is no way I could ever have a serious relationship with this woman now, even though I like her in some ways. She is just not compatible with me as @LiveYourDream has told me multiple times. I could get drawn back into the destructive cycle if I were to fook her in a weak moment even though I may feel it is just a FWB hookup. I am doing really well at the minute and I am 99% where i was before. I don't think it would be a good idea. Appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Polysix]

Hello Guys, long time no see!

But there is one thing ofcourse that still bothers me, and it sucks i know that.. I feel some kind of anger, i dunno if its towards her or myself. Thats because i found out so many things about her past before me (negative ones, slu tty ones). And these things come to me so fvcking random. I didn't even wanted to try to know them but the wheel spins, and everything is found out. I feel anger because the ideal i made of her, isnt quite compatible to the real her! I was in a relationship with a girl that presented herself in sooo different way than she actually was. And that fvcking bothers me. Its like i could go back into time, and break up with her first. Yeah i know that this is a revenge fantasy but fvck it, thats what i feel right now, because i dated a biiiiig slu t apparently..

Hey Alex,
I read your posts here in the NC-thread, and I think you know the deal with BPD. So to me it seems there is only one thing left to do for you, or two:
1. Just forgive her. BPDs are pathological liars, almost have no self-concept or at least a very fragile one so they adopt yours, because they can´t be alone. From my experience with my BPD-Ex I think theese girls felt so much unimaginable pain in their childhood and even later in their down-peirods (feeling dpressed, lonly, empty) as adults, err in an adult body, because emotionally they are like 3-year old child. Ever seen a 3-year old child that has remorse or conscience or takes resposibility? No they just don´t have theese and BPDs don´t have it either because of this f@cked up disease, but so many Ex-Lovers of BPDs except them to have it. But it just won´t happen. Never! I think that´s also one of the points, why you won´t get any closure with theese girls. You just have to make it for own.

Another thing is about abandonment. They have been abandoned as childs. Just imagine the incredible pain. As chils they had no chance to do anything against the
life-threathing abuse they experienced! It is an existential fear of them to be abandoned, therefore they have to abandon you in a break up not the other way round, it´s essential for their survival! I hope you get what I mean, they have to win, they have to be in control, as little child they had no control. Of course I´m no psychologist, but as psychologists usually don´t deal with BPDs in the context of a love relationship, how should they know better than a guy or a girl that was in love with a BPD?
At least the above written is my own point of view, it helped me to forgive her, she doesn´t know better, but I know.
2. Just forgive yourself for thinking you have being fooled.
Man this is a PickUp forum here, you get the tools to seduce some nice woman and BPDs are somehow just Naturals. However BPDs as emotionally 3 year old childs in a mature body are not aware of that they seduce with destructive and dangerous consequences for their loved ones.
So if you get out alive of such a toxic rs. Be happy and don´t be so serious about who did the break up first or even about being fooled?
All this "I wish I break up with her first." stuff is just an EGO-thing (in my opinion this applies to rs with BPDs or NONs). Detach your emotions and your EGO and you are free. Just get over it, fastlane has some nice posts here to do it.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/#post-2332401
Take your own responsibility and don´t play the blame game!

The other day I had a fortune cookie with a nice saying
'Love is a game in which both players cheat.'

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 35

I'm not going to lie. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had since beginning NC. It was a combination of a few things. Being back at work, not having been to the gym that day, flaky plates, missing my ex massively, realising she really isn't coming back, accepting that I never really knew a girl I spent three years with (the BPD mask rarely slipped), coming to terms with the fact that if she did come back I wouldn't want her right now anyway, that it was OVER. I found myself having to go to the toilet at work to briefly cry. I also cried before I fell asleep. I weep not because I need her but because I miss her, or atleast the image of her in my mind, immensely. It's akin to my mother passing away. It really does take a break up for you to realize how weak you've become. Thankfully, I was never like this during the relationship so she will never know how much pain she is causing me or that she had this power over me. I KNOW it would make her happy to read this. That is how fvcked up she is. She was my Carmen.

Part of it is ATTITUDE. I've had issues with consistently internalising a positive outlook all my life. But I do find the gym helps immensely in this. Until I ride this post breakup wave to the end I need to be in the gym sweating everyday.

I woke up at 4 am this morning. Worked on some business related stuff for an hour, hit the gym, showered, had breakfast and now I'm on the way to work. Feel much better.

The sun is shining and I can do anything I want. I don't need to worry about building a family or babies. My ex openly spoke about wanting a baby and although she insisted she would stick to my planned schedule (no baby for at least the next 5 years!) she watched far too many couples with babies on YouTube for it not to have been a possibility sooner than that. I want to quit my job and take my business full time. That needs to be my new focus alongside my social life. I have to be able to do both for my own sanity.

I will get through this. I promised myself that yesterday is the worst day I will ever have until I am over my ex. It's all in my head. It's my choice to feel sad or happy. And I choose happiness.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Day 1
Aaand i'm back on this thread and forum haha. I found this forum on april last year after my gf of 3 years dumped me. F her no contact for at least a year now!
Buuuut now i'm back here cause i met a cute 23 years old virgin (im 33) and things ended yesterdAy after 7 months. I love her, she loves me but it isnt working. Our personnalities dont quite fit and I guess the age gap doesnt help.
Now im 33 SINGLE AGAIN and I'm tired of all this. Im starting to feel like I must be the problem, which is not true, i have improved so much since last april.
I just feel that I was stupid to drop a 23years old girl that was cute, smart (master in genetics) and was giving me awesome sex. But i found her so annoying... ****

Could've spent less time...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Could've spent less time...

Could've spent a lot less time with her and made it more of a priority of boning. Just keep your schedule busy. A lot of folks will have quirks and things that may bother us, but it's for us to prioritize whats important for us in the situation and make sure we get what we need.

 

[BeTheChange]

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"

 

[Gaysha]

Yesterday was day 58 and I broke no contact. I'm not proud nor do I think it was a mistake. I wanted to send her a message so I did.
You can judge me if you want, I know what I feel in my heart and that is only love.
Yes - she ****ed me over, yes - she broke up with me, yes - I cried like a baby and yes - I've moved on.

I have forgiven her everything and what's more important - I have forgiven myself for giving her more chances she deserved. I know she is ****ed up because of the circumstances in her life (God knows I would be) and she doesn't know how to help herself. I pity her.

As I said, I've moved on. Really. My life is finally back in my hands, I've improved, I'm seeing someone new and now I know better what things to look for in a person.
I sent my ex a message saying how I want her to be happy etc. She responded and was nice towards me. She has a new girlfriend too and I don't mind that.
I only want her the best. I have zero anger towards her. I have zero desire of talking to her, I don't want her back, I don't want to know what happened in her life for the past 2 months we were silent.
I am so happy I've reached this state.

Once again, you can judge me, but I know I did the right thing (could've sent the message in 2-3 months but okay), it was human.
I'm all about 'you only live once' when it comes to emotions and I don't start loving someone so easily.
It was nice while it lasted but life goes on.

 

[Tony197]

Day 21 No Contact.
Day 8 No Snooping.
2.5 months Post BU.

I don't want to make contact. I don't want to social media snoop. That's huge progress from where I was a month ago, or even a week ago. Still spending a lot of time on Love Shack and Relationship Talk reading articles about GIGS. Yes, there are better uses of my time, but it is therapeutic to see soooo many other dudes (and girls) have gone through 92% identical situations. Really, I'm just taking the breakup less personally and understanding it truly was about her, not me.

Minor Contact from her - Funnily enough, she and I belong to the same Private FB Group. Anytime someone posts something everybody gets a notification and you can see who saw your post. She posted something, which I ignored (I ignore everyone's posts because I'm going ghost as best I can). However, yesterday I posted something and she "Liked" it. What's funny is, the last time she "Liked" something of mine was exactly 20 days after the first time I went NC. Not reading into it, just found it an interesting coincidence. Even if she's trying to smoke me out, I get so SOOOO much power from staying silent. Feels good.

 

[Carpathian]

No one judges you Gaysha. We are all human and irrespective of threads like this, we must do what we feel is right in our heart. That allows us to look in the mirror and say to ourselves "I did the right thing for me".

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 36

Carmen.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 42 - 6 weeks

Another two weeks to go

Surprisingly I'm starting to forget her even more and just constantly thinking of new positive things in my life.

My gym training is going well, as is business even better than it's ever been.

There is a slight lingering feeling but I can only imagine that would also disappear in so many months.

I do look forward to eventually moving in, stabilising aspects of my life and then eventually finding the right woman. In that order.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm on day 67 NC and I know what you mean about trying not to social media snoop. It's a tough part of this. Another thing I'm doing is also going full ghost on all of my SM accounts and haven't posted anything anywhere in 19 days. That is to starve her bc she always looks at my snaps or likes an occasional post. It's her way of keeping tabs on me and feeling like I'm still there, in reserve, in case she wants to reach out to me. She has contacted me directly 3 times over these 67 days and I ignored all of them, the most recent being a week ago. It's harder than you think to get in the habit of not sharing pics out to Insta or Facebook, especially when something cool happens that you want to share.
Good luck all!

 

[BeTheChange]

"I still want her"

To acknowledge that statement alone is so utterly freeing. I've spent the last 35 days trying to convince myself it was her fault, that she is trash anyway. It is just not true. I am the man. I am the leader. I should have set the high standards of behaviour necessary for a healthy relationship.

She was already damaged, I will not deny that, but I broke this girl. The world had to feel my turmoil and anguish. She was collateral damage. And you know the worst thing? The fact that she needed me, gave me even less motivation to change my ways. I knew I could take out my inner chaos on her with no repercussions.

Who was the one who ruined every consistent tranquil period because of my own frustration at life?

Who was the one who normalised constant breakups over the most minor slights?

Who was the one who blocked numbers immediately after these "breakups" and in doing so not only triggered constant insecurities within the relationship but let her believe this was normal behaviour?

Who was the one who constantly told her she was replaceable?

Who was the one who constantly talked about fvcking other women and that I would be doing so as soon as we ever broke up?

Who was the one who stepped out at any opportunity?

Who was the one who fvcked escorts, while she slept and then came back, heading straight to the shower to wash their d*ck?

Who was the one who first laid a finger on the other?

Who was the one who constantly emotionally and physically abused the other?

Who was the one who needed to see her desperate in agony for me to stay for my own validation?

I'm not saying she is not somewhere along the BPD spectrum. But I have consistently tried to fit all her behaviours and motivations on to this BPD narrative in order to assuage my own concerns about myself. But the cognitive dissonance is too much. No more.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will not break NC, because I've come too far now to go backwards and to be frank I have too much pride.

More importantly, I came to need her for my happiness and that cannot be. I have to be happy on my own again.

But once I am healed, once I am fixed I will find her or I will find someone else. This could take months, this could take years. But I know I am not ready to start a relationship with anyone right now and for a long time. Not until I become something more than what I was.

 

[xstang77]

Ugh I need support or a sponsor or something! Lol I'm day 48 nc I'm out of the fog however after a month of nc she sent me a hey on fb then last week she texts me "who is this? Random number in my phone.." Then the same an hour later . Mind you I've had the same number for years including the 2 years we were together,then just now she messages me on Facebook just saying my name with a ... I'm fighting to stay strong mind you I haven't had ***** in almost 2 months. I'm worried the ***** is gonna tell me she has AIDS or std's or something.

 

[BeTheChange]

Go doink someone else then.