Long story, bear with me fellas.
I'm 22, she's 19. My first love. We were together for 2 months, which is the longest relationship I've ever been in. All my life I've avoided relationships with girls because I never wanted to get hurt. I built walls around my heart so nobody could get in. This is a huge deal for me because this is the first time I've ever let anybody in, and the first time I've actually LOVED a girl, as well as felt loved.. so I'm having a pretty rough time.
Just a little background information on her, she's a very lonely and depressed person. I became the only person she could come to and trust to talk about things going on with her. I also work with her, and that's how we became friends.
We started dating almost 3 months ago. We were both happy as hell. Throughout the relationship, she always told me how happy and excited she was to be with me. But she also got sad as well. One night she got extremely depressed and cried at the thought that our relationship would either end with marriage, or a breakup.. and that she's afraid of that reality. I'm trying to make a long story short here, but she would always express how afraid she is of losing me, because she always thought she loved me so much more than I loved her.
Things went downhill the night before Easter. After work that night, I was sick and wanted to go home and sleep and she wanted to go out. I trusted her, so I said go have fun. At a party she went to, she told me she ran into an ex that she broke up with 4 years ago. She was VERY sad the next day. Visibly upset. She told me she never really was able to get "closure" with him, and it just made her upset. She was crying all day.
From that point on, nothing was the same. I felt distant from her. She stopped saying "I love you" at night before going to sleep. Stopped doing cute stuff on Facebook and Instagram that she used to do. We just felt distant.. and while this was going on, I got sick with mono, so the fact that she thought she could catch it from me and didn't want to be around (which I don't understand at all) made things worse. Essentially turned into a
texting relationship.
I was bed ridden for a while. Since Easter pretty much. Two weeks later, I took a blood test and was officially diagnosed with mono.. and that's when everything came crashing down. She told me she's been thinking recently, and not seeing me / not being able to see me is going to make it worse.
So she got upset, and officially dumped me. Words from her mouth, "I've been in a weird mood for weeks and you didn't even notice. Haven't you noticed I stopped saying I love you? Haven't you noticed I stopped doing cute stuff? All of that is for a reason." I told her I noticed all that stuff, but was admittedly afraid to ask. I was afraid to find out the truth that she was drifting away from me because I'm a coward.. but it was too late. She said she felt disconnected from me, which is not how she should feel after 2 months. Honestly, I accepted it and cried, and decided to remain friends with her in hopes of getting back together.
Big mistake. I bottled everything up and it began to destroy me slowly, but I never showed it to her. Told her I was upset, but never told her it was killing me inside.. but the worst part happened a few days ago (Thursday). She started talking to me about how hard it is for her, and asked me if I still have feelings. I said yes, I do. Then she sent me a picture of her holding the bunny I got her for Easter, and I was like wtf? Completely took that as a sign to move back in.
Even bigger mistake. Learned the hard way that girls are INSANE like that. She sent me a million signs hinting that she was still into me.. even admitted that her feelings didn't just drop.. and stupid me tried going after her again. We hung out Friday night and she was flirty as hell. Wanted to hang out alone, got very touchy like she used to, but sexually nothing happened. I took it as a sign that I could make a move to win her back.. but boy was I wrong.
Saturday night, she didn't talk to me at all. I was at work. I looked at Instagram, and I saw her post a picture late at night with the ex (that she talked to the night before Easter) at a party. Destroyed me, because it's obvious that she's choosing him over me. Didn't answer her text that night or most of the next day.. but Sunday night I blew up on her. Told her everything she ever told me was a lie, she never loved me, and to enjoy her life with the guy she's with now. She said our relationship was real and she didn't leave me for him, just felt disconnected from me and felt she needed to end the relationship.
So here I am. That night, I said "have a nice life" and stopped answering her. Day 1 of NC is almost complete, and it's hard. It's so hard knowing she chose him over me even though she won't come out and say it. It's so hard because she's a good person and I feel bad for her emotional problems and want to be there for her, but I just can't. I can't stay her friend. I can't watch her with somebody else. It hurts too much.
I know this is going to destroy her. After we broke up, she said if I ever stopped loving her, she'd be destroyed. But I don't know what else to do. I have to do this. It's hard, but I have to.
Sorry for the length. Having a hard time facing the reality of being alone and I needed to vent.
