The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Tictac]

I just want to win, i just want her to come to me and me to reject her

This is what I was talking about. This is a loser's mentality that you have to let go of.

I get being butt hurt and all.

"I wanna" won't take you anywhere. It is pure outcome dependency.

You're not going to get what you want.

Now what?

 

[TheGambino]

LDR

Was all good, got back home and she ignores my phone call and facebook message.

No contact challenge from today on!

#day1

 

[Ncnoob]

This is what I was talking about. This is a loser's mentality that you have to let go of.

I get being butt hurt and all.

"I wanna" won't take you anywhere. It is pure outcome dependency.

You're not going to get what you want.

Now what?

I dont know!
I mean one day she said to me "please ncnoob never leave me, i will be broken forever without you. I love you". 15 days later she broke up with me!

Hell 1 day from breakup we went for a long drive made out and shedint want to go back to her home. 1 day later i was trying to convince her of not breaking us up. I was convincing her of what things she said to make me believe she loved me.
Something happened in that one day that changed everything. After 15 days of convincing contacting/no contacting/ arguing. I stepped back and started Nc.
You tell me what do i do? where do i go? I feel direction less. I am only okay when i am not alone, when i am alone my thoughts almost eat me, i go insane.I go to the gym, but evenings and weekends kill me. We literally visited every place in this ****ing town and now each place has a memory and i hate goin out. What do i do? I want revenge for this, why shouldnt i? Am i wrong?
I just so wanna rip my heart out and just be feelingless. I cant and its sad what i have become, from an alpha male who had 2 girls always in reserve to agreeing commitment to one girl to this shambles. I am in the gutter and i see no way out. Only way i will feel peace is when she goes through what i am going, when she faces the hell that she left me in.

 

[Tictac]

Look noob, my wife of 25 years dumped me for a multiple DUI lowlife, then destroyed me in divorce court. I lost frame, got all tied up in work, home, kids - yada, yada, yada and lost damn near everything.

So what?

You get up, dust yourself off, say "that was interesting", decide what's important and get busy. For me, it's my kids and the money I need to do right for them.

If you are all about seeing her 'when she faces the hell she left me in', you've already lost.

That is not going to happen. So stew in your own juice. You choose this.

 

[Ncnoob]

Look noob, my wife of 25 years dumped me for a multiple DUI lowlife, then destroyed me in divorce court. I lost frame, got all tied up in work, home, kids - yada, yada, yada and lost damn near everything.

So what?

You get up, dust yourself off, say "that was interesting", decide what's important and get busy. For me, it's my kids and the money I need to do right for them.

If you are all about seeing her 'when she faces the hell she left me in', you've already lost.

That is not going to happen. So stew in your own juice. You choose this.

How are you so calm then? Dont you wanna destroy her? I would want to. I hope i am as okay as you are now one day, I am not gonna contact her but man i wish she did. That is inspirationl to say the least, but may be i am not as good as you are.

 

[Tictac]

No I don't. My life only gets so much better when she's gone.

But I spend my time and thoughts on making my life better.

No one's better than anyone else. You just need to let to and work on you. Results are faster that way.

I do get your pain, I do. But it's resolution is inside you and has nearly nothing to do with her. You'll get there, when you're weary of chasing your tail. We all do it.

 

[Shaka]

Ncnoob,

If you show her what you're showing to us, even just a glimpse, then it's already her win.
Because she will tell to herself things like :

1/ Her decision is right ("thank god I dumped him, he is crazy and want to hurt me"
2/ He is not over me and I'm over him. such a chump ! I win
3/ He loves me, and I can play him however I want. If for some reason, my new guy leave me, I can still rebound and get him back easily
4/ blah blah

So now, if you stay NC, nothing of that will happen.
Realise this. If you want to win, the only way is staying NC and living a happy life.
Actually, it will get to her. and bother her.

Focus your anger and energy on you and do something positive for yourself.

 

[Shaka]

On her last message she said she'll visit me today in an hour to pay for the shoes. She also said that I really hurt her by not answering the phone (oh really? as if I'm not hurt at all) and she told me that she was planning a perfect day with me and whatnot, and if I still think there's a chance between us that I should tell her because she really wants it.

I guess I really should just delete her messages...but I'm REALLY afraid she'll visit me soon, and I'd have no where to go. I feel like I'm hiding from her!

I think you already realize that it's only an excuse right ?
Like I said, keep cool, do it with professionnalism. Keep it short, polite. DO NOT SHOW ANYTHING ELSE or you will be back to square one, hurting like hell.
As a bonus, more hamster spinning for her too !

If you don't and start talking with her about your relationship, maybe you'll get her back. But in a not too long time, she will mercilessly broke your heart again. And you'll feel even worse. Because you'll start beating up yourself for that mistake.

But don't assume she will come to your house. Don't wait for that. Because right now, I think you kinda want that event to happen. Like a light of hope you are hanging on. This hope could be trashed, leaving you on your knees.
Also, that means she is still CONTROLLING you, she is controlling how you're feeling. Don't let her do that.

 

[beatjunkie]

@Ncnoob head the advice in Tictac's last post. It's the realest and best advise anyone can give you. I know you're seeking some sort of closure or explanation but

@CerwinWegaFan told you to sell them shoes, now you gotta deal with her meeting you. Keep your frame, give it to her and say you gotta go to the gym and actually GO TO THE GYM.

Right so this is start of DAY 19 for me. I think I am entering the acceptance phase. Definitely past the grieving and "i want her hurt" phase. Back in the office after returning from Country Y for work, she's downstairs, I think, but honestly I don't give a fvck about that and actually I want her as far away from me as possible. She's leaving to the same Country Y that I came from, thank goodness. One thing that gives me comfort is the guy she left me for is LDR so goodluck with that bro lol she is a money sucking wh*re. I don't even want to call her or talk to her or even see her as I KNOW this will get me hurt. DJ's advise and Bro's advise is the same; NC. NO.MATTER.WHAT. I hope I can keep this strength to not do so going. I learned from this experience. DO NOT DATE COWORKERS. DO NOT DATE GIRLS WHO JUST GOT DUMPED BY THEIR FIANCEE.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

@Shaka Of course I know it's just an excuse. She hasn't shown up though, so I think she's just trying to mess with me (although I'm being 100% unresponsive to her so who's messing with who?).

@beatjunkie The shoes are still on the way, haven't gotten a chance to sell them yet.

I'm torn between two selfs:
The one who wants her and misses her so badly, and the one who knows she's poisonous and the relationship will die anyway with both sides extremely hurt. I want the first one to go away, I can't even talk to any girl since the "relationship mode" is still turned ON.

 

[beatjunkie]

@CerwinVegaFan

you need to create a third self. and you already know what self that is.....the one where you talk to every girl and 'relationship mode' is OFF

bro i know how u feel, i miss her badly too but you have to keep reminding yourself that if you make it through this you will be ok. at least complete and hit the 60 day mark. remember the original challenge and what u signed up for. stay strong man. stay strong.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Thanks man, 10% is already complete and it wasn't that hard.
The only hard part is that she keeps calling and begging as if she was the dumpee.
DAY 6

 

[sparkychops]

Day 8 NC.

Getting progressively more difficult. I woke up this morning after having a dream that his ex girlfriend knocked on my door looking to drop off a birthday present for him. The mornings are difficult for me, because I constantly wake up and forget he's gone.

He was by no means great to me, he done so many crappy things, and I know I'm better off without him. But I don't know why this hurts so much. I want to know that he misses me as much as I miss him.

 

[sparkychops]

He also has a concert ticket belonging to me, the concert's not until August, but the way I feel now, I'll never be able to face him to get it back.

 

[Shaka]

Ok on the topic of things that have to be settled post break up :

Shoes, concert ticket, or anything.

Consider that it's gone. Don't dwell on it.

For me, it was money (and a lot). What I actually did is playing the indifference game.
But I'm financially very solid, so maybe it's not the same things for everyone.
We agreed on an amount (keep in mind that I was kind of ripped off). And I gave it to her without even blinking an eye.
I basically bought my NC as it was the last excuse she had to initiate contact (I ignored everything else).
The thing is, do it with a smile on your face. "Fake it until you can make it".

The result is :

1/ You get back the power and show your frame. "It's nothing for me, I don't care, I value you as much as a pair of shoes, a ticket concert or some money. And on the top of it, you are petty because you go on all your way to settle such insignificant things".
More spinning for her (I know it matters to you all, to get some kind of validation that it matters to HER, but really, you shoudn't care as the goal of all this is healing, and become a better and stronger individual)

2/ No more excuse for initiating contact. It's a very important point. Because those excuses can confuse you. You ask yourself why is she initiating contact ? Is it really because of the shoes or concert ticket ? Or is there something else ? And it will cause you pain, a lot of pain.
After getting rid of those excuses, you'll know that if she/he initiates contact, it will mean that she/he wants a security net. You won't be confused anymore.

So stay strong, even if you know a contact is unavoidable. Do it with a relaxed attitude, unconcern.
Best of luck, friends

 

[sparkychops]

I'm in the middle of writing him a very very long email.

 

[Shaka]

I'm in the middle of writing him a very very long email.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW. DELETE.

Or your next post will be "back to square 1, I'm crushed. You were right"

Just... don't.

Or don't send and post it here if you want. (can be therapeutic)

 

[sparkychops]

STOP IT RIGHT NOW. DELETE.

Or your next post will be "back to square 1, I'm crushed. You were right"

Just... don't.

Or don't send and post it here if you want. (can be therapeutic)

Sorry, I should have been more clear. I never had any intention of actually sending it. I just needed to get it all out.

 

[sparkychops]

I've 4,500 words of sheer and utter anger.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Ok on the topic of things that have to be settled post break up :

Shoes, concert ticket, or anything.

Consider that it's gone. Don't dwell on it.

For me, it was money (and a lot). What I actually did is playing the indifference game.
But I'm financially very solid, so maybe it's not the same things for everyone.
We agreed on an amount (keep in mind that I was kind of ripped off). And I gave it to her without even blinking an eye.
I basically bought my NC as it was the last excuse she had to initiate contact (I ignored everything else).
The thing is, do it with a smile on your face. "Fake it until you can make it".

The result is :

1/ You get back the power and show your frame. "It's nothing for me, I don't care, I value you as much as a pair of shoes, a ticket concert or some money. And on the top of it, you are petty because you go on all your way to settle such insignificant things".
More spinning for her (I know it matters to you all, to get some kind of validation that it matters to HER, but really, you shoudn't care as the goal of all this is healing, and become a better and stronger individual)

2/ No more excuse for initiating contact. It's a very important point. Because those excuses can confuse you. You ask yourself why is she initiating contact ? Is it really because of the shoes or concert ticket ? Or is there something else ? And it will cause you pain, a lot of pain.
After getting rid of those excuses, you'll know that if she/he initiates contact, it will mean that she/he wants a security net. You won't be confused anymore.

So stay strong, even if you know a contact is unavoidable. Do it with a relaxed attitude, unconcern.
Best of luck, friends

Thanks man.

I have just received a message from her friend:
"Hey, I'm at xxxxx's house, We just wanted to know if you want all the things you gave her back or we should throw them to the garbage (The watch too, it would be a shame to throw it away, at least sell it)"
The watch she asked me about was a gift I bought her for her birthday. It costed me over 300$. I didn't care about the money, I wanted her to be happy because I knew she wanted it.

I feel so disgusted from that text, I am really starting to hate her and want her to disappear from my life !!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYKMRY5Rr9I&feature=kp
This song now always gives me chills, especially at 2:30