The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[funkychunk19]

Hi guys, I too recently got told by my gf of 5 months that she no longer has feelings for me. And am currently going nuts here. Here is a bit of a story too give you guys the heads up on my relationship.

I got sick in my teens which effected my dating and confidence levels for many years. I got pretty big at a point which didnt help. At age 32 I decided I no longer wanted to be alone and I decide to change my lifestyle. I lost 80 pounds, got a new wardrobe and joined some dating websites. Within a few months I met a girl of there and we hit it off right away. It turned out that she was from the same ethnic backround as I was and I was in heaven. I was 32 years old, never been kissed, never had a date, and obviously a virgin. After date 3 I built up the courage to tell her and she was ok with it. She even made me feel good about it and she helped me through the process. We spent the next 4 months together, all the holidays together, met each others families. I thought everything was good untill the other day....last Sunday we were at a family gathering, everything was cool, drove her home...kissed her good night...told her I loved her, she said it back. Nect morning she bbms me telling me she couldnt sleep...and that for the past 2 weeks she has been fighting her feelings. For the rest of the day I basically begged her not to leave me. She means so much to me...and I feel lost. I may sound pretty pathetic here but im sorry, it took me 33 years to find someont i thought was my match...and now its gone. I do want her back....and am willing to try this NC challenge. I am currently on day 4.

Any questions or advice would be greatly appreciated,

Thanks

 

[mikey2012]

WEll, this seems to be a troll, but in case it isn't my thoughts are in bold. I will just comment as I read it a second time.




So, you are going to use NC to get her back? How will that work? She reaches out, reaches out, reaches out and you never reply? At what point DO you reply, if you want her back. How will this work? NC is for you to heal and get over her, NOT get her back.

If you want to get her back, I suggest you do the following:

1. NEVER contact her. EVER. This gives her the loneliness, and sense of loss you are hoping to accomplish with NC.

2. If she texts you? You give a polite, brief response, then "gotta run" For example, I will assume she contacts you first BECAUSE YOU DO NOT INITIATE!

"Hi, how have you been"?

"Great" and you say no more.If she sends two or three more, you respond briefly, politely and then end it, saying you are "kinda tied up at the moment" .Brief polite answers, never making ANY effort to further the convo.

"I really miss you"
You reply "why?"

This puts her on the spot, and she will have to respond, and admit her mkistake...or she will give you BS babble.......once she is done typing out all the garbage and sends it to you, you simply say "I appreciate your honesty" (no matter what she says), then stop texting. Do NOT respond again.


Maintain this type of exchange, NEVER INITIATING IT, until she shats or gets off the pot. Eventually she will fade away (which is good for you, because it means she wasn't really THAT interested, but just feeling insecure or wanting to be reassured she can have you back if she wants...................OR she will crater and apologize and ask you to date again. Then it is up to you to decide. Maybe you will have met someone else at this point?

If you are done with her right now? Simply don't respond at all.

If not? Try what I said.
I think a mistake guys make, if they want the girl back, is to go NC. She WILL give up. Conversely, giving her a piece of your mind, drives her away for good.

By using the approach I described, she will keep wondering what she lost....because you are POLITE, but "busy". Too busy to waste time on a girl who dumped you. WHY are you so "busy" Because you have other OPTIONS you are starting to choose.

For God's sake man, don't chase, beg or plead anymore. It will NOT help, will only show her you ARE a weak man with no options.

If she is done, she is done! Nothing you can do about it. At least keep your dignity intact.

Well said. Keep your dignity. Nc is for that purpose. If she warns you back she will beg, don't ask someone who ditched you to come back.

 

[funkychunk19]

day 5

Definitely not a troll. Just confused and hurt. I quickly jumped back onto the dating site and have been asked out. Too soon?.....wrong intentions?...I will not contact her, but if she contacts me...I will use your advice.

 

[orbion2013]

That's a good question and I'm going to answer you with total honestly. My initial instinct was yes. If I could know that she was sincere, then I would instinctively want to take a chance and be willing to work on getting back together. I'm not saying I'd just jump to her command and welcome her back with open arms, but I'd suggest going on dates and see if we could build again from scratch.

With my breakup, we were both to blame. She didn't cheat on me or do wrong by me, and she never even branch swung. She always blamed me for the break up as technically it was me who dumped her. What she did to hurt me came after this point, in retaliation and confusion, so it's not like there are any trust issues on my part. She was a good person and, despite the hurt she caused me and fvcking with my head, I still believe that. So it would be very tempting to take her back, I must admit.

However...this would be an emotional and instinctive decision and those are nearly always the worst decision for a man to take. Listening to my rational mind (and all the advice and wisdom of experience I've been reading), I would have to consider all the issues that contributed to our break up (her depression, divorce, anti depressants, to name a few) and if they still exist, then I could not take the risk with her again because nothing would have changed and it would only be a matter of time before we broke up again. This already happened before and we told ourselves we would sort out our issues before we would try again, but we rushed back together and didn't learn from our mistakes.

Another foreseeable problem is that this break up has hurt me so much, if we got back together I would find it near impossible to hide my insecurity and fear of losing her again. This is what happened the first time we broke up and it's the reason I changed so much and became needy. It still hurts and I still think about her a lot, so if I'm being honest, I don't think I'd be ready to try again. I've done a lot of rebuilding of myself, regained confidence and got back into the field, but I'm still too emotionally attached and I think this is an important thing to recognise.

Ask me in a few months time, and I might feel ready. But even the thought of running into her in a bar or town fills me with dread. I'd like to think I could act cool and indifferent, but I just know my heart would start thumping, I'd become incredibly self conscious and the pain would come flooding back. That's not how I'd like my ex to see me and this is why I think it's pointless to try and reconcile with your ex until you're past those painful emotions and can truly start again from scratch.

So in answer to your question, no. For my own sake, I would have to make a rational and informed decision and let her go.

i don't think i could ever take my ex back.... i have taken her back twice before and regreted it each and every time!!!


how could i take back a girl, whom has caused nothing but stress, drama, chaos in my life for nearly 2 years.... a woman like her does not change

plus i ahve no future with her... only insecurities... she could never be anything more than a FWB to me ever again

and i doubt i would even do that with her...

 

[Jariel]

i don't think i could ever take my ex back.... i have taken her back twice before and regreted it each and every time!!!


how could i take back a girl, whom has caused nothing but stress, drama, chaos in my life for nearly 2 years.... a woman like her does not change

plus i ahve no future with her... only insecurities... she could never be anything more than a FWB to me ever again

and i doubt i would even do that with her...

Definitely not mate! The temptation for me is that my relationship was actually really amazing at one time and I'd love to get that back. But it sounds like your relationship just aused you misery and there is absolutely no reason for you to go back to that.

It just sounds to me like she broke you down, damaged your self esteem and made you dependent on her. As soon as you can regain your confidence, you'll be rising to greater things in life!

 

[Lotus Effect]

So, you are going to use NC to get her back? How will that work? She reaches out, reaches out, reaches out and you never reply? At what point DO you reply, if you want her back. How will this work? NC is for you to heal and get over her, NOT get her back.

If you want to get her back, I suggest you do the following:

1. NEVER contact her. EVER. This gives her the loneliness, and sense of loss you are hoping to accomplish with NC.

2. If she texts you? You give a polite, brief response, then "gotta run" For example, I will assume she contacts you first BECAUSE YOU DO NOT INITIATE!

"Hi, how have you been"?

"Great" and you say no more.If she sends two or three more, you respond briefly, politely and then end it, saying you are "kinda tied up at the moment" .Brief polite answers, never making ANY effort to further the convo.

"I really miss you"
You reply "why?"

This puts her on the spot, and she will have to respond, and admit her mkistake...or she will give you BS babble.......once she is done typing out all the garbage and sends it to you, you simply say "I appreciate your honesty" (no matter what she says), then stop texting. Do NOT respond again.


Maintain this type of exchange, NEVER INITIATING IT, until she shats or gets off the pot. Eventually she will fade away (which is good for you, because it means she wasn't really THAT interested, but just feeling insecure or wanting to be reassured she can have you back if she wants...................OR she will crater and apologize and ask you to date again. Then it is up to you to decide. Maybe you will have met someone else at this point?

If you are done with her right now? Simply don't respond at all.

If not? Try what I said.
I think a mistake guys make, if they want the girl back, is to go NC. She WILL give up. Conversely, giving her a piece of your mind, drives her away for good.

By using the approach I described, she will keep wondering what she lost....because you are POLITE, but "busy". Too busy to waste time on a girl who dumped you. WHY are you so "busy" Because you have other OPTIONS you are starting to choose.

For God's sake man, don't chase, beg or plead anymore. It will NOT help, will only show her you ARE a weak man with no options.

If she is done, she is done! Nothing you can do about it. At least keep your dignity intact.

Excellent advice Mauser.

Too bad I can't rep you anymore! This is really accurate!

 

[orbion2013]

Definitely not mate! The temptation for me is that my relationship was actually really amazing at one time and I'd love to get that back. But it sounds like your relationship just aused you misery and there is absolutely no reason for you to go back to that.

It just sounds to me like she broke you down, damaged your self esteem and made you dependent on her. As soon as you can regain your confidence, you'll be rising to greater things in life!

exactly mate... i have nothing worth while to go back to... i,m just angry at myself, for letting her back into my life, after she begged me.

also i am very tempted to email her back & tell her that i don't give a f@ck about us ending... but i think staying ghost for ever will be more effective

i have always been into training/ bodybuilding

in the last 2 years, i lost alot of size & definition due to stress of this relationship... since the break up, i have been hitting the gym hard...

and have sized up alot... very noticable to people already...

i know there is better out there for me, than this relationship!

all tho, i would love the opportunity to f@ck her one more time, cumm in her face... throw her a rag... then kick her out of the ****ing door!

haha!!!

 

[Jariel]

exactly mate... i have nothing worth while to go back to... i,m just angry at myself, for letting her back into my life, after she begged me.

also i am very tempted to email her back & tell her that i don't give a f@ck about us ending... but i think staying ghost for ever will be more effective

i have always been into training/ bodybuilding

in the last 2 years, i lost alot of size & definition due to stress of this relationship... since the break up, i have been hitting the gym hard...

and have sized up alot... very noticable to people already...

i know there is better out there for me, than this relationship!

all tho, i would love the opportunity to f@ck her one more time, cumm in her face... throw her a rag... then kick her out of the ****ing door!

haha!!!

The problem here is that you're still attached to thoughts of getting on up on her and revenge. Telling her you don't care directly translates to "I care enough to contact you" or "I still think about you and I haven't moved on".

I was clinging to the hope of banging my ex one last time too. I kept telling myself and people it was just about the sex, but I was fooling myself. If it was just about sex, then I'd be banging other chicks instead. My ex was actually keen on the idea of becoming fvck buddies at first, but that hope ended up coming out as desperation and scared her off.

Better just to walk away completely.

 

[orbion2013]

The problem here is that you're still attached to thoughts of getting on up on her and revenge. Telling her you don't care directly translates to "I care enough to contact you" or "I still think about you and I haven't moved on".

I was clinging to the hope of banging my ex one last time too. I kept telling myself and people it was just about the sex, but I was fooling myself. If it was just about sex, then I'd be banging other chicks instead. My ex was actually keen on the idea of becoming fvck buddies at first, but that hope ended up coming out as desperation and scared her off.

Better just to walk away completely.

this is true... sex with an ex, is never that plain & simple... those feelings still linger on, especialy close to the break up.

years down the line, when indifference kicks in, is another matter.

anyway i am quite proud of myself, because i went ghost on her, even before we broke up... SO SHE KNEW I WAS DONE WITH HER


6 days later she sends me an email saying it was over... but i just ignored her.. she sent me 8 emails in total... but i gave her nothing for a reaction.. NOTHING

she tried her best to bait me, to try and get a reaction from me... guilt tripping, shaming tactics..

she even said I KNOW YOU WONT CONTACT ME BACK... i just totally ignored her.

who needs to send 8 f@cking emails anyway? obvious her hamster could not stand me ignoring her.

it's been 6 weeks now & i have not said sh@t to her... my case is clear cut... i cannot allow this toxic woman back into my life & need to keep walking away forever.


anyhow i banged another chick last night, the first girl i have slept with since my ex....

she isn't as good looking as my ex... but does have a nice body... but the sex was way way way better...

man this girl will do anything & everything i want lol... where as my ex was quite controlling in the bedroom!

also she seems like a nicer person than my ex.. i felt alot more relaxed around her.

anyhow i have no intention of turning this girl into a relationship, as i banged her on the first date...

this one is going to be a plate & fun only... it has made me realise that there is better sex out there, than what my ex had to offer

 

[bateman72]

The problem here is that you're still attached to thoughts of getting on up on her and revenge. Telling her you don't care directly translates to "I care enough to contact you" or "I still think about you and I haven't moved on".

I was clinging to the hope of banging my ex one last time too. I kept telling myself and people it was just about the sex, but I was fooling myself. If it was just about sex, then I'd be banging other chicks instead. My ex was actually keen on the idea of becoming fvck buddies at first, but that hope ended up coming out as desperation and scared her off.

Better just to walk away completely.

Right as we were breaking up my ex proposed one more night together. I said "no" and although I have, at times, regretted turning down that sex; I know it was the only sane option.

On day 25 now... starting to see that true no contact actually does work. Day by day I think of her less. A friend tried to give me an update on what she is up too these days...I told him "sorry, I really dont want to talk about it"

He said "Wow, that girl got you didn't she?"

Him saying that made me realize that I really did feel for this girl and stopped feeling as angry with myself for the amount of pain im letting this woman cause me.


NC is hard to do but its really the only way forward.

 

[Jariel]

Right as we were breaking up my ex proposed one more night together. I said "no" and although I have, at times, regretted turning down that sex; I know it was the only sane option.

Last time my ex and I had contact (2 months after the break up) I suggested we get together for one last night of sex and she was up for it. She even hinted at us becoming fvck buddies. I was telling my mate about this and he called me on it and told me exactly what I was hoping, how one night would lead to her realising her feelings for me again and how it would turn to more and we'd eventually get back together. I had to admit, he was right.

In the end, my ex backed off. I think I projected too much neediness through our texts.

On day 25 now... starting to see that true no contact actually does work. Day by day I think of her less. A friend tried to give me an update on what she is up too these days...I told him "sorry, I really dont want to talk about it"

He said "Wow, that girl got you didn't she?"

Him saying that made me realize that I really did feel for this girl and stopped feeling as angry with myself for the amount of pain im letting this woman cause me.


NC is hard to do but its really the only way forward.

You're doing great!! And this is exactly the right thing to do. My sister told me my ex still has all the photos of us together on her Facebook and hasn't changed anything. Then I found out from her friend that she is still single and has had trouble moving on after me. You'd think this is exactly what I'd want to hear, right? But the problem is I actually reached closure just over a month ago and now I've been told this, I keep thinking about her and on an unconscious level it's given me that very thin thread of hope again.

I know it's over and what is best for me is to move on and never look back, which is exactly what I'm doing with my actions, but it's crazy how one snippet of information can get your mind ticking again.

 

[theonersss]

meet up??

My girl dumped me about two months ago. 5 yr relationship. I did ALL the wrong things. Text gnat, calls, cried, begged etc, Finally calmed down and she agreed to meet me. It was like we first met and it was great, held hands and talked. I never mentioned the failed relationship. And ten min after she texted me to tell me she still loved me.In a few days I asked her to lunch and she said no, she didnt want to go backwards.Since then she has agreed to meet up with me again to just talk and maybe discuss what went wrong. However, Its always me calling or texting her, she replies whenever and I just feel like a doormat. I decided to go into nc and im in day seven. Im working out, I know exactly what went wrong and how to fix it. My question is this...It seems like everyone wants their ex back and the first step is to connect with them and eventually meet them.Maybe im just trying to rationalize a reason to break nc because honestly, this is the toughest thing I have ever done. My ex has already said she would meet me so why am I in nc??

 

[theonersss]

oh....and i dont need the "nc is for you! move on! mind games! "lecture. Im going to do this anyway. I know how to fix this. I know exactly what went wrong. We both do! We just both need to commit.

 

[lexa]

Lexa - day 7

After that day of me having relapse of wanting to txt her, I managed to keep myself from doing it but did look at her FB page.

But I am now able to look at things more objectively, such as what a selfish and damaged person she actually is, the key is read the subtext. I.e 'read her action not her words' and 'the medium is the message' and of course, I review my own afc actions too.

Conclusion is why would want to I do so many things for her, be emotion invested in her with my only reward is paying for her during other time spend together and most of that time is spent listening to her whinge about her problem? Plus I have to keep having to defend what she says about me when she pick fights? How stupid was I? Lol. Anyway I have cut my losses now.

Also been think about alpha, such as I don't NEED to taking someone down if I know I CAN do it, but I won't whinge about not doing it after.

In this case, if she txt, I will just treat her like any other acquaintance now, ie polite but not indulge in any deep conversation or any emotion.

The reason is that she no longer matters, I don't need to be angry with her, be sad for her or have any emotion about her for that matter . Even if she actually say the word 'sorry', I will just say 'thank you for your honesty' like someone else suggested and move on. And then if there is no more convo with us, so be it.

I am actually feeling very good about myself after a whole day thinking about this, but really now the time to move on and stop thinking about this and instead think about action I should be doing that will make me more successful.

I hope everyone else doing ok.

 

[lexa]

oh....and i dont need the "nc is for you! move on! mind games! "lecture. Im going to do this anyway. I know how to fix this. I know exactly what went wrong. We both do! We just both need to commit.

Hey man, the way I see it, nc is not a tool to get your ex back, but a time to fix your own problem, from reading everyone's post, when they fix the underlining problem( I.e afc) they don't want to go back to the ex.

well, if you know and think you fixed the problem then so be it. But be damn sure she wants her, you can't make her desire you, you can't make her want to fix the problem with you and is not her job to fix your problem.

Because even if she takes you back, well, you know...

 

[Jariel]

oh....and i dont need the "nc is for you! move on! mind games! "lecture. Im going to do this anyway. I know how to fix this. I know exactly what went wrong. We both do! We just both need to commit.

This is exactly where all of us fail. When you think in terms of fixing your relationship, what you are talking about is tactics, manipulation, neediness, desperation...the very things that push these women further away. My mistake was trying to fix things with a letter. Other guys think they can fix things by meeting up a few weeks later and showing her a different side of themselves - "Maybe if I act more alpha when we meet up next, she'll think I've changed".

The act of trying to fix things is in itself a symptom of neediness and dependence, which are the very reasons our exes won't be with us.

The only way to really get an ex back is to give her space to decide if she wants to be with you. Allow her to miss you and experience the emptiness you leave behind, because if you're still texting, meeting up and come running whenever she calls, she'll never miss you and she'll never respect you.

 

[funkychunk19]

If nc isnt the way of getting an ex back.....is there a way? Obviously nothing is guaranteed, but what steategy would you use to get the ex back in a relationship that seemed to be going great, and then one day out of the blue she decides to end it.

 

[Jariel]

If nc isnt the way of getting an ex back.....is there a way? Obviously nothing is guaranteed, but what steategy would you use to get the ex back in a relationship that seemed to be going great, and then one day out of the blue she decides to end it.

You just keep your distance and let her think things over. Sometimes the space, the emptiness in her life will make her realise she's made a rash mistake. Other times she will stand by her decision and move on.

Unfortunately, what most guys here are looking for is a method of mind control. It just doesn't happen that way unfortunately. You can't make someone think or feel a certain way. And sadly, even our exes who are still in love with us may have a bigger reason for not wanting to be with us.

It's kind of a paradox really. Once you accept things are out of your control, you start to find a sense of peace. And that sense of peace and acceptance is usually what makes our exes see us as appealing again.

I've had many of my exes come back for another chance, but it has been well over 6 months or years after we broke up and I've had no emotions left for them.

 

[lexa]

If nc isnt the way of getting an ex back.....

Can't remember who said this but, "you have to be willing to lose her if you want her " it is actually more truth then it sounds, think about it, if all you think about is "getting your ex back", meaning you are most likely think about her, being obsessive about her and showing her all your beta traits, and not think about the things that you can do to increase your attractiveness.

so NC is for YOU, the "her missing you and contacting you" is just a "chance" for you to show off the improved you, but if you haven't changed, then you are just the same guy she dumped, why would she take you back?

 

[Jariel]

I'll just tell you about an ex girlfriend I made contact with 6 months after we broke up. That was about 7 years ago and we still chat, she invites me out and she's made several attempts to get me back or to have sex with me.

It was a horrible break up and I did the AFC thing of chasing her, texting her and trying to reason with her for about a month after. A mutual friend of ours decided to tell me that she was getting a kick from my attention and was playing me. So I came to my senses and just went NC.

It wasn't easy, and I kept getting all these delusions of how I could win her back, convince her I was different now, try to get her to meet up then act cool and confident around her etc, but I resisted.

I started going on dates, meeting new girls and I ended up developing oneitis for a girl and we started seeing each other.

It had been 6 months since my break up and all the hurt and resentment had gone. I was feeling so good about my life and about all the steps that had led me to this point. I thought back to my ex and realised how silly our break up had been, and how it brought the worst out in us, and so I decided to write her an email just to clear the air.

I just contacted her to say hi and ask how she's doing. I reflected on how out of hand things got, explained it had been a pretty rough patch for me and added that we had some good times and I really hope she's doing well.

I kept it short and friendly, and I got a really nice reply from her apologising for her part in the break up and wishing me the best. She was seeing someone and it was going well.

I felt really good about burying the hard feelings and I had no ulterior motives. I didn't expect to continue contact with her. I just carried on with my life there, then a few weeks later she contacted me just to say hi and for a catch up. We started swapping emails as friends for a while and met up for a drink. No talk of our relationship or break up, just chatting like we did before we first got together.

Eventually, she started asking me to meet more often, started making suggestions of sex and I believe I could've rebuilt something with her, but at this point I was already with someone else. I think I could still get with her now to be honest, but it's not something that interests me any more.

My point is that you need to give it time before you contact your ex and you MUST be in a good place in your life and emotionally detached.

My recent ex contacted me 2 months after we broke up and wanted to meet, was up for sex and we started to text and clear the air. But the problem was, I was still emotionally attached. So instead of letting things take a natural course, I wrote her a long letter, and then started to get impatient and irritated when she didn't give me a reply or the attention I wanted. In the end, I started an argument with her and I proved to her that I hadn't changed at all.

Had I just been cool and detached, she might've seen that I had changed and who knows what could've happened. But the truth is, because I didnt feel detached, I would've reverted to my old self sooner or later.