The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[jackson37]

Help

I'm going back to school and I'm bound to see her again....I guess I'm just getting anxious over it like I dont know how I should act cause I don't want to blatantly ignore her. I'm doing so good right now but the pressure of going back to school and thinking of running into her again is sort of wearing me down and bringing back bad memories.

Guess I'm just looking for some encouraging words moving forward.

 

[bateman72]

I'm going back to school and I'm bound to see her again....I guess I'm just getting anxious over it like I dont know how I should act cause I don't want to blatantly ignore her. I'm doing so good right now but the pressure of going back to school and thinking of running into her again is sort of wearing me down and bringing back bad memories.

Guess I'm just looking for some encouraging words moving forward.

focus on putting together a calm confident body language and try hard to be more social and chatty with everyone around you.

Continue this when you get back to school. when you guys run into each other you can give her a genuine smile and nod and keep walking until you interact with the next person.

sometimes you got to fake it until you make it. If you can look like your over it then you will start to feel like you are over it.

 

[Jariel]

Here's a funny little exercise for you guys that I found quite effective...

Write down how you're feeling or just go back to some of the posts you've written here. Now read them back in a pathetic whiny voice.

This is a great way of seeing your behaviour from your ex girlfriend's perspective, and noticing everything that has become wrong with you, how pathetic our neediness and weakness actually appears.

Obviously we can't help how we feel and it's perfectly natural to feel depressed about losing the most intimate person in our lives, but when you get this perspective, you realise why it is essential for you to go no contact and avoid your ex from seeing you this way.

Here's Tyler from RSD giving a great example of what I mean. Such a hilarious video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j72PZY_rzU4

Another good video about perspective...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN3nex4cUOQ

Hope it helps. Just remember, if you got dumped because you were too needy, then your neediness multiplies 100 times over after you've been dumped. This is why you need to rebuild yourself and break the attachment before you can even think about making contact.

 

[mkj1990]

While we're at the subject of sharing videos, I hope this one will inspire you guys:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9Q0v3GV1P8

... so glad I just booked my holidays for the summer. 3 weeks by the mediteran sea with my mates. Going to be awesome. Scandinavian girls become more crazy the closer to the equator they get. :-D

 

[drakeramore]

Jariel, mate, I would like to ask you something.

If your ex comes back to you tomorrow and is really, really begging you to take her back, if she demonstrates her undying love for you, what would you do?

Please for the sake of this question assume that she would be sincere in wanting you back and it would not be any kind of mind games.

Would you do it on your own terms knowing just how special your connection with her was or would you stop yourself from trying to mend something that was broken most likely for a reason.

I am asking you as you seem like quite a knowledgeable and experienced guy, you are smart and tolerant. And because I am asking myself the same question - what would I do in such a situation.

At the moment I cannot come up with an honest, no-bs and true-to-myself answer. I really don't know what I would do if it happened as I still love her but would not be able to trust her and would be very reserved to letting her have my heart in her hands again.

 

[Machtwo]

drakeramore

I would like to answer this:

Tell her to FVCK OFF

In a few weeks or months, when you read that question back, you will realise how pathetic you sound, try Jariel's pathetic whiny voice, it works!

 

[Jariel]

Jariel, mate, I would like to ask you something.

If your ex comes back to you tomorrow and is really, really begging you to take her back, if she demonstrates her undying love for you, what would you do?

Please for the sake of this question assume that she would be sincere in wanting you back and it would not be any kind of mind games.

Would you do it on your own terms knowing just how special your connection with her was or would you stop yourself from trying to mend something that was broken most likely for a reason.

I am asking you as you seem like quite a knowledgeable and experienced guy, you are smart and tolerant. And because I am asking myself the same question - what would I do in such a situation.

At the moment I cannot come up with an honest, no-bs and true-to-myself answer. I really don't know what I would do if it happened as I still love her but would not be able to trust her and would be very reserved to letting her have my heart in her hands again.

That's a good question and I'm going to answer you with total honestly. My initial instinct was yes. If I could know that she was sincere, then I would instinctively want to take a chance and be willing to work on getting back together. I'm not saying I'd just jump to her command and welcome her back with open arms, but I'd suggest going on dates and see if we could build again from scratch.

With my breakup, we were both to blame. She didn't cheat on me or do wrong by me, and she never even branch swung. She always blamed me for the break up as technically it was me who dumped her. What she did to hurt me came after this point, in retaliation and confusion, so it's not like there are any trust issues on my part. She was a good person and, despite the hurt she caused me and fvcking with my head, I still believe that. So it would be very tempting to take her back, I must admit.

However...this would be an emotional and instinctive decision and those are nearly always the worst decision for a man to take. Listening to my rational mind (and all the advice and wisdom of experience I've been reading), I would have to consider all the issues that contributed to our break up (her depression, divorce, anti depressants, to name a few) and if they still exist, then I could not take the risk with her again because nothing would have changed and it would only be a matter of time before we broke up again. This already happened before and we told ourselves we would sort out our issues before we would try again, but we rushed back together and didn't learn from our mistakes.

Another foreseeable problem is that this break up has hurt me so much, if we got back together I would find it near impossible to hide my insecurity and fear of losing her again. This is what happened the first time we broke up and it's the reason I changed so much and became needy. It still hurts and I still think about her a lot, so if I'm being honest, I don't think I'd be ready to try again. I've done a lot of rebuilding of myself, regained confidence and got back into the field, but I'm still too emotionally attached and I think this is an important thing to recognise.

Ask me in a few months time, and I might feel ready. But even the thought of running into her in a bar or town fills me with dread. I'd like to think I could act cool and indifferent, but I just know my heart would start thumping, I'd become incredibly self conscious and the pain would come flooding back. That's not how I'd like my ex to see me and this is why I think it's pointless to try and reconcile with your ex until you're past those painful emotions and can truly start again from scratch.

So in answer to your question, no. For my own sake, I would have to make a rational and informed decision and let her go.

 

[gdkh]

Day 1

Well this forum is really one of the oldest an deepest I've seen haha. Long story short, we dated a year and a half, both of us in college, and last week she cheated on me with some scrub on a cruise. She left me and wanted to stay friends. Idk, I love her and I mean truly, but I think NC is best. Maybe she'll see what she did to me, maybe later in life we'll be brough back together, but for now? NC...we'll see how it goes

 

[jgutta23]

Broke NC a couple weeks ago. After I broke it, I went right back into it without opening myself up and giving her the power. Anyways her bday is coming up soon would you guys wish HBD or no? Just planned on sending a txt thats it

We're on good terms. I'm just in NC.

 

[bateman72]

Well this forum is really one of the oldest an deepest I've seen haha. Long story short, we dated a year and a half, both of us in college, and last week she cheated on me with some scrub on a cruise. She left me and wanted to stay friends. Idk, I love her and I mean truly, but I think NC is best. Maybe she'll see what she did to me, maybe later in life we'll be brough back together, but for now? NC...we'll see how it goes

Hey sorry to hear that this happened to you. Infidelities are the worse kind of betrayal, basically the worst thing a woman can do to you. If you can get through this you can weather any storm a woman may throw at you in the future.

I had a similar situation happen to me, you can reread my posts.

I fell off of no contact once during my breakup (36 days ago) and really regretted it.

Do your best to make a clean break, no Facebook, delete her numbers, thrown away everything that reminds you of her.

The only consolation I can offer you is this experience is going to make you a bigger badder harder smoother motherfvcker and you will survive it.

 

[drakeramore]

Another foreseeable problem is that this break up has hurt me so much, if we got back together I would find it near impossible to hide my insecurity and fear of losing her again.

This sums it up beautifully for me as well.

If we got back together again, my ex girl would definitely know that she was able to move on while I (at least at the moment) was not. I too would find it very very hard to get back into my old frame of showing her that I don't care all that much about our relationship and that I was willing to walk away at any point.

She would know now how needy and attached I was to her. It would be a relationship where she would have all the power, even if she came begging for us to get back together.

Thank you for the honest and sincere answer, Jariel. I appreciate it!

 

[Jariel]

This sums it up beautifully for me as well.

If we got back together again, my ex girl would definitely know that she was able to move on while I (at least at the moment) was not. I too would find it very very hard to get back into my old frame of showing her that I don't care all that much about our relationship and that I was willing to walk away at any point.

She would know now how needy and attached I was to her. It would be a relationship where she would have all the power, even if she came begging for us to get back together.

Thank you for the honest and sincere answer, Jariel. I appreciate it!

No problem mate. I say this from my previous experience. The first part of our relationship was absolutely amazing. She couldn't get enough of me, would text me all the time saying how much she missed me, how much she loves me and was craving me. She hated letting me go when it was time to leave.

At that point, I had my own life, friends and independence and I didn't fear losing her. I would see her on my terms, sometimes I'd even put her off for a while if I had stuff to do.

Then we broke up. I was crushed. Weeks went by and I found it so hard to cope with losing her, and then she got in touch and it turned out she'd been writing me several letters explaining how much she still loved me, explaining the situation and so on. We met up and discussed the problems in the relationship, she expressed her concerns and I agreed to step up and show more commitment and responsibility.

This was the downhill spiral for me. Gradually, I started to become needy, clingy. I hung on every text message, dropped my plans to see her, then would help her with chores and try to prove myself as a responsible guy. We had a few arguments and I would end up backtracking and apologising, and all because I was so afraid to lose her again. I started to see myself as this soft, accommodating lapdog and I could see her pulling back.

And then started my paranoia that killed the relationship.

Even though I have learned my lesson from this experience, getting back with her would be a constant battle between how I felt and my rational thinking and on some level, I'd always read too much into any cold behaviour on her part.

 

[Formerlyrossitheking]

Broke NC a couple weeks ago. After I broke it, I went right back into it without opening myself up and giving her the power. Anyways her bday is coming up soon would you guys wish HBD or no? Just planned on sending a txt thats it

We're on good terms. I'm just in NC.

No.

NC is not some lightswitch which you can turn on/off every now and then. A woman will see straight through your intentions. Even an innocent HBD.

Now some may say go NC and let her hamster spin. Personally, I'd pick the hamster up and flush it down the toilet.

It's been, done and gone.

Grief/accept/stay busy/charm new girl.

The. Only. Way. In my experience.

Keep up the NC dude. You will be rewarded eventually.

 

[jackson37]

I'm feeling tempted to break NC but I don't want to look like a chump. Im at school now and really missing her (havent seen her yet but just being in this environment gets to me I suppose). I also dont want to break NC to just be friends but part of me wants to at least be able to talk to her. Idk. The anxieties of being at school are setting in and I'm started to feel bad for ignoring her last couple texts now....

I think this is just a weak moment, I'll give it a week before deciding to break it or not

 

[jackson37]

Basically in her last message she wrote this HUGE text about how much she'd always love me, how I showed her how to love, how she understands I dont want contact with her but will always keep the door open for if I ever did again. I feel like I should've at least replied to this and said "ok thanks for understanding" or something but I just ignored it. Was this bad to do? Idk I'm just having a weak moment I think.

 

[gdkh]

I'm feeling tempted to break NC but I don't want to look like a chump. Im at school now and really missing her (havent seen her yet but just being in this environment gets to me I suppose). I also dont want to break NC to just be friends but part of me wants to at least be able to talk to her. Idk. The anxieties of being at school are setting in and I'm started to feel bad for ignoring her last couple texts now....

I think this is just a weak moment, I'll give it a week before deciding to break it or not

I hear ya man, being at school where I've spent so much time with her, it sucks, especially since she says she needs me in her life, and she needs my support. Just stay strong, stick with NC, be a bada$$ motherfvker

 

[lexa]

Basically in her last message she wrote this HUGE text about how much she'd always love me, how I showed her how to love, how she understands I dont want contact with her but will always keep the door open for if I ever did again. I feel like I should've at least replied to this and said "ok thanks for understanding" or something but I just ignored it. Was this bad to do? Idk I'm just having a weak moment I think.

IF it was me, either dont reply or if you must

forget all that love stuff she wrote and just see how her text ends. if it says "have a nice day", you just reply "have a nice day too". if no such things, just reply "cool".

 

[Lotus Effect]

Yeah, My ex wrote all tha bs in a huge letter to me!

Wanna know what happened next.

I've met her in a caffe, we got back together, and 3 weeks later I've found out that she was banging another dude, long before she sent me the letter.

Bottomline, she used me to get her sh*t together, and I, being the idiotic fool I was stood there, while I had the chance to get away with my dignity.

She got better, got over me, dumped me again, this time for good, and I chased her some good 3 months, only to make me look like a bigger fool to her.

Had I walked away when I had the chance, I wouldn't be writing in this forum, 8 months after the episode.

So take my word. This is all Bullsh*t, she's trying to reel you in because she need something to cushion her fall.

Stay strong, don't reply, and let her suffer. She couldn't care less when she made you suffer in the first place, and when the time come, and it will if you reply, she will not give a damn about you, and sending her some crap message like the she sent you know will not soften her as it has softned you.

It will only make her see you as a loser.

Don't reply. Delete. Get the fu*ck out with your dignity.

The long haul hurts, but it will be way better for you. Nothing will be fixed today. Trust me!

 

[lexa]

Lexa- Day 5?

No sure if this count as breaking no NC, during day 3 she txt me saying "morning, lexa, you don't need to reply, i just want to tell you I get what you are saying before (in relation to a point of our argument piror to NC) again you don't need to reply, have a wonderful day, HB"
so I just reply "you have a wonderful day too, HB". The reason I reply was that I thought if a stranger wish me a good day, I should do the same. Anyway, no reply from her nor did I expect any - all cool.

So that's that until today, I am having second thoughts....

I still have not contact her or even look at her FB page (I unfriend her but her post are set as public) , but I am really tempted to. I want to sent her a letter saying either "let be friends again" or "I had some time to think, I want a relationship" or gift or whatever.

The thing is, I went out with another girl today, be it just a friend, all I could think was about HB. Arghhh

I guess I just really hope writing here will keep me from contacting her...

 

[bateman72]

day 22

Had a bad moment late last night. Really just wanting to reach out to her and talk.

I made it through the moment just by recommitting myself to maintaining no contact for the full sixty days.

If I can't even do this then I don't really deserve a hot girl in my life. I had had about four hours sleep in the last 24 hours and at the front end of a multi city business trip. I notice that my thoughts about the breakup are alot worse when i'm tired.

actually got alot going on dating wise but its depressingly clear already that other woman are not going to get me through this period. I have to make some real aggressive changes to my life and my character moving forward.

I would encourage you guys to regard the pain you (we) are experiencing as a gift. This kind of pain is the best motivator in the world.

quit smoking 4 days ago after starting again while I was dating my ex. Being fully free of a habit like smoking is a fair trade for a few months of heartbreak.

Stay strong brothers