The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[orbion2013]

i noticed these passive aggressive traits in my ex, pretty much right from the start, when we first met... it wasn't something that developed over time.

but in the early stages, i was just having sex with her, so i ignored these red flags... they didn't bother me

only when i got onitis for her, did it becaome a huge problem... crazy making!

man never get serious with girls like this

 

[jackson37]

I just started no contact yesterday but not sure if this is the right thing to do...

My ex of 1.5 years broke up with me over her depression and i decided to stay friends with her after the BU for about a month until now cause it was just too much so i started the no contact rule. But i didnt even tell her about it i'm just sort of doing it and kind of feel bad cause 1) she doesnt know and 2) her depression. Some part of me feels like we would get back together once she gets over it but idk if i wanna wait around for that.

We would usually still be texting constantly every day except for a few times where she wouldnt respond for a day or so (usually when she goes out drinking). So now shes already texted me checking up on me saying "How was your day yesterday?" and idk if i should politely respond or keep ignoring out of nowhere.

Please advise,
Jackson

 

[bateman72]

First of all constant texting is a passion killer. As a general rule I would confine my texting to sex chat and logistics.

I would go super silent. Why is she depressed if she has a relationship with a man who excites and attracts her? If your not doing that for her...go silent for awhile and try to rebuild attraction.

not good to be too available. Depression sucks and I sympathize with her but its a seperate issue from her relationship with you.

good luck

 

[jackson37]

First of all constant texting is a passion killer. As a general rule I would confine my texting to sex chat and logistics.

I would go super silent. Why is she depressed if she has a relationship with a man who excites and attracts her? If your not doing that for her...go silent for awhile and try to rebuild attraction.

not good to be too available. Depression sucks and I sympathize with her but its a seperate issue from her relationship with you.

good luck

Alright thanks I will do this! Constant texting was always a thing when we were together and it carried over when we were "friends". She's beginning to ask why I'm not replying though....how should i approach this? Ignore? Make up an excuse??

 

[mikey2012]

Alright thanks I will do this! Constant texting was always a thing when we were together and it carried over when we were "friends". She's beginning to ask why I'm not replying though....how should i approach this? Ignore? Make up an excuse??

Just ignore her

 

[thecreature]

Day 33

Want to text her happy new year but didn't . Feeling down now. Looks like she forgot me. That's the toughest beat to take . All the times we shared meant nothing now she got new covk to suck on.

 

[Jariel]

I just started no contact yesterday but not sure if this is the right thing to do...

My ex of 1.5 years broke up with me over her depression and i decided to stay friends with her after the BU for about a month until now cause it was just too much so i started the no contact rule. But i didnt even tell her about it i'm just sort of doing it and kind of feel bad cause 1) she doesnt know and 2) her depression. Some part of me feels like we would get back together once she gets over it but idk if i wanna wait around for that.

This sounds like a similar situation to me. My ex gf was going through depression and was pushing me away, making me feel miserable and then blamed the break up on me, using her depression to lay a massive guilt trip on me.

Talking from personal experience, you have to be very mindful of this. She can and will use her depression as emotional blackmail and will string you along while she looks for someone else, use you and then ditch you. If you're anything like me, you probably changed a lot as a person and became more accommodating and understanding to try and help her through her depression. The worst part is that this very behaviour is what puts women off and even those who are depressed or going through a bad time are repulsed by men who behave like lapdogs...even if they say they want more support.

Also watch for how she drags you down. You probably already experienced this in the relationship. My ex made me miserable during her peak depression. She'd turn cold and distant or just moan, and really was no fun to be with. I was really just clinging to the hope that things would get better. I kept hoping once she dealt with some stresses in her life, she'd be happier and our relationship would get back on track, but it never worked out that way.

I'm afraid you have to be quite selfish in this situation. You have to do what's right for YOU and going No Contact is the right move. Do not cave in or allow guilt to persuade you to break it! The irony is that the more you do to help her, the more you are there for her, the further away it will drive her, and yet by acting selfish and putting yourself first, you will raise her interest.

 

[bateman72]

guys:

I am having a rough day 6. it should be day 25 but I broke down and sent her an email on the evening of day 18.

I can manage during the days, it is the nights that are killing me. I toss and turn in bed thinking about the whole situation and always end up getting up and usually going out.

Its kind of hard to increase your workouts, work harder, fix your weaknesses and go out drinking every night, all at the same time. I just seem to require alcohol to sleep.

There is a certain sort of mental toughness needed to sleep when you are going through this. I haven't found it yet.

Contacting my ex on day 18 really set me back to the same emotional state I was in during the first few days of our breakup.

I caution you guys against contacting your ex.

 

[joker79]

is your intention to be the winner or to let her win? Actually your mind is playing games on you, do you know what is called "will power". An alpha guy does and use it to feel better and to enjoy life, whatever the situation is.

 

[orbion2013]

wha do i do guys... i am having trouble moving on

a few reasons...

01.. i did the whole ghost thing on her after an argument, she didn't contact me & i didn't contact her either.. i changed my mobile number, with the intention of cutting her out of my life for good.. then 6 days later, she emails me & tells me its over!

i don't react, i ignored her & gave her no attention & stuck to ghost mode!!! not spoke to her in 4 weeks now.

i keep regreting not dumping her with a priemtive strike? that was my intention to do, but i went ghost instead... damn i so wanted to drop her ass.. I FEEL ROBBED OF A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY!!

also, something tells me she might be branch swinging... i keep going over events that took place a week or two before the break up & my gut tells me, she might have been setting up an option

to be fair, nothing stands out in a mojor way... but the gut feeling is there!

is it better to stay in ignorance? i rather not find out if she is seeing anyone else.. what good will it do... it makes me so f@cking angry tho

i know for a fact i don't want her back... i just wanted to walk away with my head held high

something is stopping me from moving on.. i think it's the burning desire to get the last word in & let her know that i don't care

 

[joker79]

something is stopping me from moving on.. i think it's the burning desire to get the last word in & let her know that i don't care

why do you desire this?

 

[tripod23]

orbion........going back to have the last word will not do you any good at all....trust me I have done this before and all it does is bring a lot of bad feeling to the surface even more than it is right now.

look if you was going to launch this chick anyways ......who cares if shes nailing some other dude ,,,,fvck her ......let it be his and her problem now.

I understand you are feeling angry, this is what happens ...as men we like to feel like we have won had the last word and walked away with your head held high. but its just not always possible.

women always have back ups in the wings......they are so devious like this even when I relationship is going well a lot of them will throw another guy into the mix......just like my ex used to do..........oh I get flowers all the time at work from ....such and such ....oh he wants to take me out but im not interested in him , just to see your reaction.

these games are just that GAMES.....fvck playing along with it just ignore.

4 weeks of no contact is not long enough for you to get over this shyt , once you get to 3 or 4 months like I have now......it does get easier . . it still hurts ......but it gets better in time.

I blasted my ex for trying to mind fvck me....string me along and trying to treat me with contempt like a fvckin child. I wasn't wearing this bullshyt for any chick.......so she got it in a major way then I walked away . that is nearly 4 months ago . to be really 100% honest .....I miss what we had and I miss her .....but the fact remains she is fvcked up in her head and I don't want to be involved in her drama,,,,,,,i am over it I will let her have what she has created.

now this is how you need to tune your mind to start thinking seriously , because if not you will break nc and make things worse , I know because I have done this very thing in the past and it just plain hurts like hell.

try to think well I don't want her anyways fvck that im off to find better things......keep looking and you will find what life has in store for you my friend ......this has happened for a reason,,,,,the problem is that you just cant see because things are a little foggy at the moment........but it will clear.

keep calm keep a clear mind ........and you will be fine don't get worked up over one rotten chick.......the world is your oyster mate.

please listen to all the advice on here its priceless , most of the guys on here talk real sense and its worth your time to read what mistakes have been made , and what the outcomes were,,,,,,,the pattern is very obvious.

good luck

 

[Renegade357]

i keep regreting not dumping her with a priemtive strike? that was my intention to do, but i went ghost instead... damn i so wanted to drop her ass.. I FEEL ROBBED OF A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY!!

I did this with mine. I was real polite about it. Things weren't working so I did the whole pre-emptive thing. She didn't seem to care that much honestly.

Anyway, I don't think it matters how you go out really. You'll be hurting either way and there is always going to be another guy in the scene. The only thing that matters is how you move forward to improve yourself and find someone new.

After 5 months of NC and me dating/banging again I'm truly indifferent about my ex. I still love and appreciate her but it's in a different way now. I don't really need her in my life. Hopefully in the end we'll both find someone who is a better match for us.

 

[jackson37]

This sounds like a similar situation to me. My ex gf was going through depression and was pushing me away, making me feel miserable and then blamed the break up on me, using her depression to lay a massive guilt trip on me.

Talking from personal experience, you have to be very mindful of this. She can and will use her depression as emotional blackmail and will string you along while she looks for someone else, use you and then ditch you. If you're anything like me, you probably changed a lot as a person and became more accommodating and understanding to try and help her through her depression. The worst part is that this very behaviour is what puts women off and even those who are depressed or going through a bad time are repulsed by men who behave like lapdogs...even if they say they want more support.

Also watch for how she drags you down. You probably already experienced this in the relationship. My ex made me miserable during her peak depression. She'd turn cold and distant or just moan, and really was no fun to be with. I was really just clinging to the hope that things would get better. I kept hoping once she dealt with some stresses in her life, she'd be happier and our relationship would get back on track, but it never worked out that way.

I'm afraid you have to be quite selfish in this situation. You have to do what's right for YOU and going No Contact is the right move. Do not cave in or allow guilt to persuade you to break it! The irony is that the more you do to help her, the more you are there for her, the further away it will drive her, and yet by acting selfish and putting yourself first, you will raise her interest.

Thanks that does sound very similar to my situation, I'll continue no contact and stay strong. Everything you said was true in my situation, i tried to help her through but she said doing that "just made it worse". Though now she is getting "help" from one of her other guy friends. I dont understand women..but soon she will be out of my life.

Just out of curiosity, how did your situation end?

 

[drakeramore]

Day #37

Hey, guys, just checking in. Happy New Year to all! I wish you and myself only great things happening to us this year, most importantly to remain in great health so that we have the opportunity to chase our dreams.

I spent all the holidays thinking about my ex, phantasizing about her, even in a sexual way, talking to her in my head, the works...

She did not contact me to wish me anything, neither did I. At one point I most likely would have had I not deleted her phone #.

She contacted me before the holidays - around two weeks ago asking me how I was and what my plans for the holidays were. Told me she thinks of me on occasion, sent me her hugs and told me she misses talking to me every now and then.

I maintain obviously the NC but still am eager for her to contact me. I have no other girls in sight at the moment which also does not help. Also, I constantly keep trying to analyze her words, why she contacted me in the first place asking me about the holidays - is she feeling guilty, is she bored, is she feeling sorry for me, does she regret leaving me in favour of the new guy she is currently living in (in another country no less). That kind of stuff - I keep revisiting these thoughts every moment I have free. Last night I even cried a little bit for her.

It is ridiculously funny and pathetic - she is in another country, most likely living it up and enjoying herself while here I am - still pining over her and missing her and her closeness/touch like crazy.

That is why I am writing here as I don't want to get laughed at when I keep telling other people how much I miss her when it is evident she has decided to dump me and move on. I cannot get my head around it and rationalise how the hell she went from worshipping me even to treating me as if I was one of her let us say 10 closest friends. I am hurt, I will not hide it, and disillusioned with love, romance, soulmates, etc...

She never apologised for anything, now that I think of it I think I deserved a little apology for her not letting me in on what her plans were - it was cold on her part. I know I am a man and should not give a fvck but I do - I let her so close to me, I had never let anyone that close to me, most of the time I am quite aloof, distant and emotionless. But with her I was myself and believed her that she will never hurt me etc. I am quite sensitive which is a ***** in this world.

Also, she was my first girl and only one thus far and I am 28. A bit of a late bloomer. Really thought that she was the one and no other could compare. On a rational level, I know this is a ridiculous concept, more so now when she has left me, "her greatest love", to live with another guy. She refused to live with me back in the day when I offered it. (I offered it as she was moving in my city and did not have where to live at the beginning - I was not proactively pursuing it - I highly prize my independence and freedom).

Anyway, just letting my emotions fly here in this thread and venting as usual.

I have passed the half-mark of the 60 days challenge, yet it is still quite early for me to consider myself even remotely healed up and ready to move on.

I try to keep myself busy and work out. Working out especially helps two ways - you get your mind off things plus you see the results in the mirror and that boosts your confidence up, so it is indispensable to me at the moment.

Thanks for reading, guys!

 

[Jariel]

Thanks that does sound very similar to my situation, I'll continue no contact and stay strong. Everything you said was true in my situation, i tried to help her through but she said doing that "just made it worse". Though now she is getting "help" from one of her other guy friends. I dont understand women..but soon she will be out of my life.

Just out of curiosity, how did your situation end?

Well I noticed her becoming distant with me and putting off meeting me. It seemed very sudden, but she also stopped saying "I love you" which she used to say all the time. I sensed something wasn't right and when she asked me for space, I took this at its worse and I decided to end things permanently. I wasn't going to allow myself to be strung along while she kept her options open.

She went straight onto a dating site and we ended up having a big argument where she blamed everything on me. She said how unsupportive I had been (which was totally untrue!) and how it was me who ended things during her time of need, and how I wasn't capable of handing responsibility...and she just made me out to be the bad guy.

I went no contact straight away. I wished her the best and wished her good luck on the dating site. I deleted her number and did my best to move on.

2 months later she contacted me saying how much she loved me, missed me, had never felt this way about anyone and would give anything to be with me. Like an idiot, I reciprocated and told her I felt the same. But then she backed off and said even though she meant it, she could never be with me again because we'd only break up again. She told me and her friend that she would never put herself in that position with me again where I could hurt her so much and said she felt let down by my lack of support and understanding. She told me how ill she had been due to her depression and made me feel awful.

She said she really wanted to see me again to clear the air. She even said she wanted to spend one more night with me, have sex, and implied she'd be up for being fvck buddies.

Again, I fell right into her manipulative games. I took on all the blame and allowed myself to become burdened with so much guilt. I wrote her a long letter basically apologising for my mistakes, telling her how much she had meant to me and trying to make her feel better.

I never got a reply or even a thank you to this letter. Then I found out she was seeing someone else. Apparently she hadn't dated anyone for the 2 months we had no contact and couldn't move on, but the moment I started to give in to her games, showed interest again and fed her ego, she moved on.

I'd been in a similar situation with a girl before going through depression. She left her boyfriend for me, but then turned against me and blamed me for their break up and ended up hating me, blaming me for her drink and drug problems etc.

It's been a hard lesson, but I recognise that I have always had these "white knight" tendencies and have always been a sucker for a "damsel in distress". But it always backfires on me. I've started reading, talking to friends and researching and I've learned that the damsel in distress routine is a very common manipulation tactic women use. They will often pin blame onto a guy to defer responsibility for themselves and to gain some kind of power over him. They'll cry and act helpless, because they know this will get them what they want.

Trust me mate. Learn to recognise this and it will save you a lot of pain and distress.

One important point I should add is that towards the beginning of the relationship I was a little more selfish. I would go round, spend the night with her, have sex and leave first thing the next day. I would leave her to do her own chores, and not offer to help. I told her I value quality time over quantity. She even moved house and I didn't help her move. And yet this worked! She was crazy about me! I always left her wanting more of me. She would text me all the time, talk to her friends and family about how in love she was and I was in control. She did express how she felt I wasn't a big enough part of her life and how she felt I used her for sex sometimes, but even so, she was so crazy about me there was absolutely no worry in my mind about her leaving me.

It's a harsh reality, but when you look out for your own interests and behave a little selfishly (not to an extreme of course), then women desire you and respect you more, but when you give in to what they want, try to do right by them, then they turn on you.

 

[Jariel]

It sounds like we've all had a setback over the holiday period and I can definitely relate to everyone who said they secretly hoped the ex would get in touch.

I actually cried a little last night and have been missing her like crazy. It's the first time for over a month I've felt like this, but I accept it. Time to let go once and for all now and look to the future.

 

[joker79]

guys, golden rule: one chance per girl per lifetime

 

[Machtwo]

I've been reading all the posts over the holidays, I can relate to most of them, especially them contacting you over the holidays, or you wanting them too, it was one of our favourite times of the year, family, friends and travel, yet I heard nothing also and consequently I've felt quite melancholy for the past 48 hours. I've been making phone calls today, chasing solicitors about cash & final equity payments, but didn't really get any answers from them. Then 'bam' just got a text from her, "Hi, do you want me to transfer the outstanding money I owe you in to your bank account?"

I don't think it was coincidence, they have obviously been talking, but it's just made me feel real sad again, very sad indeed, this was the only thing that was keeping us connected, I feel like shedding some tears, but it aint going to happen at work!!

Just thought I would let some of the newer guys on here know that even after many months of NC, the same pain can still come back at you when you least expect it.

Stay strong & keep up the NC.

 

[Groverz]

Holidays are ruff. Part of me was wishing I was with her on NYE, but somehow I ended up with a super hot chick and made out during the ball drop. But right now it's just a hot chick, no real connection which I miss. We still talk a bit, but not often and it's pretty quick texts. Been a few months since the breakup and feeling a ton better but still have some down times.