The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Stryker]

Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a pickle. My girlfriend broke up with me on Tuesday, and I initiated no contact immediately. This was fairly easy to do, since she showed such disrespect by breaking up with me over text message. It still hurts of course, but I feel able to move on with the right determination.

However, I now have a problem. She has gotten in contact with me in order to meet up and exchange clothes we've kept at each other's house. I really don't want to go and see her, but I honestly want my clothes back, and I know she wants hers. I'm hoping this will be a quick 2 minute exchange, if that, but will this damage the purpose of no contact?

 

[Renegade357]

However, I now have a problem. She has gotten in contact with me in order to meet up and exchange clothes we've kept at each other's house. I really don't want to go and see her, but I honestly want my clothes back, and I know she wants hers. I'm hoping this will be a quick 2 minute exchange, if that, but will this damage the purpose of no contact?

Nah, it's fine. If you can avoid seeing her it would better. Like just tell her to leave your stuff outside her door or something and you'll drop hers off.

 

[Jariel]

I want to keep checking in here when I can to give updates on my recovery and to give reassurance to everyone else that it does get better!

My ex and I have been exchanging texts here and there, just catching up really and it's been good to clear the air and we're both getting closure. We have no plans to get back together, but I'm ok with that now. I can see it would be a mistake.

This week I got back in the game, contacted some old flames and prospects, got back on POF and started spinning plates...a LOT of plates. It's made me realise there are so many attractive and cool women out there and I'm really clicking with a couple of them...and seeing the same qualities and connection I shared with my ex in our early dating days.

Of course, I could never replace my ex. She will always have a special place in my mind and I still love her a lot, but my life goes on and I see a lot more happy experiences in my future.

I do owe most of my recovery to No Contact. It saved me from making an idiot of myself and it allowed both my ex and I time to reflect and clear our minds.

I also want to thank everyone here for all their support. I hope I can return the good will to others now.

 

[Cali-83]

3 weeks

So it's been 3 weeks since we split. I went no contact right away and I have to say it has helped, but it has been tough. I do really miss spending time with her and because she lives so close to me it's hard not to think about her.

I'm hoping she'll contact me but I'm working hard on getting over her. I've been spending a lot of time working out, writing, and spending time with friends. It's hard sometimes when I spend time with couples because it makes me think that she should be spending time with me.

The thought of her with another dude kills me. I just hope this next month or two I can get better. Hope everyone is doing well and getting better.

 

[Machtwo]

Thoughts

I've been NC since mid July, there are only 2 things left that are tying us together, the house sale & divorce proceedings. Last week we had an offer on the house which she accepted & I declined. Within 5 minutes of hearing the news off the estate agent she was calling my phone, I don't have her number saved as I deleted all contact references, all I remembered was it ended in 76. I cut the call, almost immediately a text arrived, it was from her, making a little speech about the offer & why I declined, the message finished with, 'hope you & everyone are OK'?

Do you guys think this message warrants a reply or should I stay NC?

 

[SamTheHobit]

Been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately the worse part I'm not sure if it the girl or every other fvck up in my life

I really hate the b!tch so why am I so affected by it.

Maybe it's not her or maybe I'm in denial.

 

[Renegade357]

I've been NC since mid July, there are only 2 things left that are tying us together, the house sale & divorce proceedings. Last week we had an offer on the house which she accepted & I declined. Within 5 minutes of hearing the news off the estate agent she was calling my phone, I don't have her number saved as I deleted all contact references, all I remembered was it ended in 76. I cut the call, almost immediately a text arrived, it was from her, making a little speech about the offer & why I declined, the message finished with, 'hope you & everyone are OK'?

Do you guys think this message warrants a reply or should I stay NC?

Man, that's a real tough situation. You just gotta man up and take care of things in a business like manner even though it probably kills you. After you cut your ties completely with her resume no contact. Sorry dude.

 

[Jariel]

Been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately the worse part I'm not sure if it the girl or every other fvck up in my life

I really hate the b!tch so why am I so affected by it.

Maybe it's not her or maybe I'm in denial.

Hang in there mate. I must admit, I went through this low phase too and was wondering if I'd be better off just giving up on life, but trust me it passes.

What's happening right now is that your break up has thrown you into a negative frame of mind and you're seeing everything through that negative filter. Just as when you're in love, colours seem bolder, music sounds better and the world is wonderful, the opposite can happen when you break up.

I started to resent my own family at one point and every little thing they said or attempt to make conversation irritated the fvck out of me. It's not their fault. They were just being themselves and I love them exactly as they are...but at that time, I saw things so differently.

In these times you have to put your trust in your rational mind. Know that your judgement is clouded, that you are seeing things from a distorted perspective, but life can be good again when you're ready. You know this is true, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Just accept that this is a passing phase of your life and you are healing. Try to surround yourself with positive things. Listen to positive thinking audio books and clips on youtube. They won't sink in straight away, but if you keep feeding yourself productive and positive input, it will start to take influence.

Best of luck mate. You can get through this!

 

[orton81]

jariel youre a top bloke, wish you lived in sydney, i would pay for you as a psychologist!

 

[orton81]

sam this is part of the healing process.. the guilt, hopelessness, nightmares, constantly thinking of her and what shes doing and who shes with and this can escalate to a cruscendo of 'i dont have the strength to carry on'..

life isnt easy, even if you have to rebuild.. the knot will ease in your stomach and life will start to appear brighter again - you literally have to trust that time is the best medicine.

i havent laid eyes on my ex for 23 days and despite one dismissive text (which she initiated) and ignore of the follow up, im in the middle of it, it seems..
i have been going out smashing chicks and have a rebound on the go, they dont seem to be helping.. so planning to stay clear of the booze etc for a fortnight, get my head clear and play some golf!

i almost..almost emailed her yesterday morning - rough weekend and was at my absolute lowest, but managed to not type and just went for a walk to clear my head.. although it has to be said, im hitting some highs and some bad lows also..

would recommend blocking facebook, insta, deleting digits and emails.. takes it out of your hands and forces cold turkey..


take care of yourselves.

 

[Jariel]

jariel youre a top bloke, wish you lived in sydney, i would pay for you as a psychologist!

Thanks man! I don't have all the answers, but I always try to learn from my experiences and use them to better myself.

i have been going out smashing chicks and have a rebound on the go, they dont seem to be helping.. so planning to stay clear of the booze etc for a fortnight, get my head clear and play some golf!

Keeping a clear and alert mind is probably the best thing you can do right now. I find when my head is clouded or even just tired, that's when all those troubling thoughts take over. Keeping alert makes it easier to focus on other things.

I didn't get much comfort from rebounds either to be honest, but more time has passed now and I've been getting back in the game. I've been chatting to someone who I'm really clicking with and every time we exchange texts I have a big smile on my face or I'm laughing. It reminds me of the good aspects of dating and how much fun it can be...how much fun it's meant to be. It's such a contrast to the stress of trying to keep my past relationship from falling apart.

 

[Jariel]

Has anyone tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)???

It is perfect for situations like this and for issues of insecurity and paranoia. I honestly believe if I'd found it prior to my break up, we would still be together.

The exercise I'm finding helps the most is to reframe the thoughts I've been having from an objective perspective...

1. Write down the thoughts that are troubling you i.e. "She's with another man" or "She never loved me" or "I wasted my time with her"

2. List the emotions you are feeling and give them a percentage. Anger 80% Rejection 80% Distrust 90% etc

3. Now try to address those thoughts from a more rational perspective. "There's no evidence for me to think this", "We had a wonderful relationship and she obviously loved me", "Sometimes people aren't compatible for the long term", "She was cold with me because she's hurting too"....you get the idea.

If it helps, try to think how another person might see your worries and how they might rationalise them.

4. Rewrite your list of emotions and re-grade them.


Most of the time, the reframing helps to soothe the emotions, but more importantly it draws attention to your negative, insecure and paranoid way of thinking. You may even (like me) start to realise that this type of thinking is what drove her away in the first place...and the more you act on this negativity, the more damage you are doing to your relationships and your life.

The first step to combat this negative thinking is to recognise it and I think CBT is a really good way to do that.

This is really just a very small part of it that I've picked up, but I think it will really help to run this exercise regularly.

 

[Stryker]

Well guys, I met up with my ex today in order to exchange possessions. It didn't last too long, but we got into a bitter argument about why things had gotten to this point. I decided to tell her of my intention to go no contact. She flipped out of course, calling such actions disrespectful, until I reminded her of how disrespectful she'd been by ending the relationship via text message. As far as I'm concerned, I'm well within my rights to call the shots from this point on.

So effectively, I suppose my no contact challenge starts today. Right now, I feel like s***. All I can do is play back the relationship in my head, and the idea of her being with another man (whether that's within weeks or months) is absolutely driving me nuts. The fact that I work freelance doesn't help matters; having no strict schedule means I'm sitting around a lot and letting my mind wander. This seriously sucks.

 

[Renegade357]

Well guys, I met up with my ex today in order to exchange possessions. It didn't last too long, but we got into a bitter argument about why things had gotten to this point. .

I avoided the whole stuff exchange stuff thing for that reason. I knew I'd get sappy if I saw her face to face again after the breakup. It's important to me that she remember me politely walking away with a smile.

Now I don't know if the other guys will agree with me or not but if I was you I'd send her a last text message saying "Hey, sorry we fussed the other day. Wasn't exactly how I imaged things ending between us. Anyway goodbye and good luck to you!"

There's your closure, and there's your walking away with a smile. You can go no contact and move forward with your life feeling like a gentleman.

Also, it helps her to move on easier to the next chump if she sees you as a emotional needy wuss. Take that away from her

 

[Machtwo]

I avoided the whole stuff exchange stuff thing for that reason. I knew I'd get sappy if I saw her face to face again after the breakup. It's important to me that she remember me politely walking away with a smile.

Now I don't know if the other guys will agree with me or not but if I was you I'd send her a last text message saying "Hey, sorry we fussed the other day. Wasn't exactly how I imaged things ending between us. Anyway goodbye and good luck to you!"

There's your closure, and there's your walking away with a smile. You can go no contact and move forward with your life feeling like a gentleman.

Also, it helps her to move on easier to the next chump if she sees you as a emotional needy wuss. Take that away from her

I agree totally, give her the best, lasting impression of your good self that you possible can, let her have that memory, other wise she will go away thinking that she was right to dump you, this way you give her something to dwell on or think about. My final meeting was like that, I smiled, thanked her for the memories, shook her hand & wished her all the best for the future, turned away & walked out of her life, that was in July.

I'm so glad I did it that way, even though I wanted to vent my spleen at the disrespectful b1tch!! :cheer:

 

[orton81]

jariel, yes im conscious of boozing excessively - though great short term therapy and obvious way to meet chicks and forget about the emotional turmoil - also leaves you feeling low, needy and desperate.. and pretty ugly when you look in the mirror first thing! a necessary evil i guess..

we clung on to each other from february - moved out of our apartment here in sydney (both from uk) - until september when we last spoke..
i treated the time as spinning plates and also keeping her at arms length, im sure now she was doing the same.. although when the time came for me to act like a ***** and want her back, she wanted none of it..
so acted like a complete afc chump and started sending her poems/soppy emails/asking to meet.. really quite embarrassing but the urge and panic was clearly there..

so the last time i saw her was on september 29 - a works complementary flash meal/hotel for 2 - invited her for whatever reason.. we spoke a lot about our history which no doubt stomach churned me to death.. she was very clever in the fact she said 'we would eventually marry'.. really twisting the knife i guess.. so i followed after we left the hotel with a gay email asking if we could date again and that i wanted to be a part of her life..so bad!

she messaged me out of the blue on october 13, i briefly responded, she responded straight away, and i deleted..

so itll be a month on sunday.. have been through every emotion possible, a real rollercoaster.. from feeling euphoric/optimistic to complete despair when i am so **** scared about the future that it brings tears to my eyes..
to be honest ive been on the verge of emailing her yesterday and today - full on torturing myself and the knot is still firmly welded inside my gut..

i have to return to this thread to stop myself from mailing her, its been good therapy and gives an angle of how the relationship world actually works. running to chicks like they do in the films does not get the girl..

it was mentioned in here that there is no greater act of a true man than accepting he cannot be with the woman he loves and to walk away..
i think without this thread i would have a restraining order of some sort and have lost all her respect and my own.

stay strong gents

 

[European-DJ]

Day 50-something.

Wow man, the last couple of days I have been so sad, wanting to apologize for everything negative I have ever done towards her - why the fvck is this happening all of the sudden, the last 50 days I have been more or less okay.

This is just fvcked up.

 

[Jariel]

so itll be a month on sunday.. have been through every emotion possible, a real rollercoaster.. from feeling euphoric/optimistic to complete despair when i am so **** scared about the future that it brings tears to my eyes.. to be honest ive been on the verge of emailing her yesterday and today - full on torturing myself and the knot is still firmly welded inside my gut..

I know how all of that goes mate. Instead of email, I suggest you take time to compose a letter and set yourself a day in the future (60-90 days after no contact) and use the time to get out everything you want to say. I found this really therapeutic and helped me get out all of those thoughts that were trying to burst out of my head. It also helps to keep away any temption to contact her in the meantime.

I still haven't sent the letter.

And like you say, keep coming back to this thread and getting it all out of your system. It's helped me a lot and stopped me from making big mistakes.

 

[Jariel]

Day 50-something.

Wow man, the last couple of days I have been so sad, wanting to apologize for everything negative I have ever done towards her - why the fvck is this happening all of the sudden, the last 50 days I have been more or less okay.

This is just fvcked up.

This hit me around the 40 day mark if I remember right. It's difficult, but if it's anything like my experience, this is the final part of the healing process. It means that you're letting go of your resentment towards her, you're finding forgiveness and you're accepting responsibility for your own mistakes.

Once you can do that, you will find it much easier to move on. OR, if you do choose to get in touch or she gets in touch, you'll find yourself in a much better frame of mind to deal with it.

 

[European-DJ]

This hit me around the 40 day mark if I remember right. It's difficult, but if it's anything like my experience, this is the final part of the healing process. It means that you're letting go of your resentment towards her, you're finding forgiveness and you're accepting responsibility for your own mistakes.

Once you can do that, you will find it much easier to move on. OR, if you do choose to get in touch or she gets in touch, you'll find yourself in a much better frame of mind to deal with it.

Thank you man.

I guess a lot of your guys have had it much worse than me, why this current bitterness is something i should be able to survive.

I am not going to take contact to her before 2014, If she haven't reached out by then, and I still fell the lack of closure, I will send an apologetic email - nothing else, just apologize for my mistakes and thank her for our time spent together.