The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[oodlesofnoodles]

Day 21 of nc
well ive heard nothing, at times im pleased,, but when i wake in the early hours its all i think about... it doesnt hurt so bad now.. but its almost a month so its still early days... ive only just in the last few days started to function as a human again.... i decided that i wasnt gonna allow self pity to consume me any longer,, ill greive for what is lost but no more wollow. a friend suggested a date to build up my confidence i said thats not fair on someone else to be used in that way...... but more so cos it would have felt like cheating! .... Wtf is that feeling all about... he threw me away... why would that be a feeling i now have to deal with?????? Whats next???
I cant figure out tho if its his sex i miss the most or him... ive been trying hard to keep in mind how he contributed to it all so i dont totaly blame myself which is working to some extent .... but oh i cant stop thinking about our sex .

 

[GADavid]

I caved. Sent a two sentence email a few hours ago. "I got your email and voicemail. I'll be around today if you care to get in touch."

She wanted to initiate contact. Not that she checks email but once or twice a day, but it's got me anxious beyond belief. "What if she changed her mind? What if she's decided to ignore me yet again? What if she's on a date? What if it was only to know I was still around?" None of that matters.

All I know is that I lost the upper hand. I had been feeling better knowing she wanted to hear from me and I was standing my ground. She was wondering where I went. Now, nothing but anxiety like the very first day. Afraid I'm just as hurt as day one. I had reframed everything in my mind. I didn't see her the same way and wouldn't approach a relationship like that again. I had distance. I still feel that way and part of me hopes she doesn't respond so I don't get roped into it again. Another part of me just wants to get things back and throw myself at her like a lost puppy finding his owner. I hate that pathetic feeling. Do not break NC. It destroys distance and the cold feeling that only comes with time. Trying to remain strong and keep my "not taking this **** anymore" attitude

Update: she called. We talked for a couple of hours. Basically she thinks I'm codependent and too emotional. As in I over react to things in an irrational manor. We kinda talked about rebuilding a friendship, which I'm dissatisfied with. I think I'll show extreme non reactivity to things, let her see I got myself together and then go ghost. Rebuild the reputation then check out.

 

[Jariel]

Turning Point...

Since my ex has explained the situation to me and told me she loves me and misses me, I feel so much better. It just gives me that reassurance that our relationship wasn't in vain.

The last few days I've got on POF and have reconnected with some old flames and I feel a lot more positive about moving on. I'm seeing how many options I have and really enjoying the interraction.

I wish I could've done this sooner, but my emotions were in too much turmoil.

 

[Jariel]

Basically she thinks I'm codependent and too emotional. As in I over react to things in an irrational manor. We kinda talked about rebuilding a friendship, which I'm dissatisfied with. I think I'll show extreme non reactivity to things, let her see I got myself together and then go ghost. Rebuild the reputation then check out.

This was my problem too. I reacted badly to certain things and showed her this unstable and insecure side of myself. However, by going no contact both times, I proved to her that I can take control of this.

Trust me, any attempt to get in touch with her now, salvage a friendship or anything will just confirm exactly why she doesn't want to be with you.

She will probably get in touch, but ignore her completely. Go the 90 days, or even just 60 and if she's begging for another chance you can consider the option with a clear head.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I caved. Sent a two sentence email a few hours ago. "I got your email and voicemail. I'll be around today if you care to get in touch."

She wanted to initiate contact. Not that she checks email but once or twice a day, but it's got me anxious beyond belief. "What if she changed her mind? What if she's decided to ignore me yet again? What if she's on a date? What if it was only to know I was still around?" None of that matters.

All I know is that I lost the upper hand. I had been feeling better knowing she wanted to hear from me and I was standing my ground. She was wondering where I went. Now, nothing but anxiety like the very first day. Afraid I'm just as hurt as day one. I had reframed everything in my mind. I didn't see her the same way and wouldn't approach a relationship like that again. I had distance. I still feel that way and part of me hopes she doesn't respond so I don't get roped into it again. Another part of me just wants to get things back and throw myself at her like a lost puppy finding his owner. I hate that pathetic feeling. Do not break NC. It destroys distance and the cold feeling that only comes with time. Trying to remain strong and keep my "not taking this **** anymore" attitude

Update: she called. We talked for a couple of hours. Basically she thinks I'm codependent and too emotional. As in I over react to things in an irrational manor. We kinda talked about rebuilding a friendship, which I'm dissatisfied with. I think I'll show extreme non reactivity to things, let her see I got myself together and then go ghost. Rebuild the reputation then check out.

Only one word to describe your actions. Mistake.

But don't worry though. Been there, done that.
The only thing I can advise you is. If you keep in touch, you will be on for a long, and not that nice, ride.
You WILL get hurt. You WILL lose any hand you think you have. You WILL not going to get her back. You WILL cushion her fall making it easier for her to move on. And worst of all, you WILL be seen as the creepy ex, that does not give up.

Listen to me man. If you would like to have any chance in getting back together GET THE F**K OUT!

 

[Renegade357]

Listen to me man. If you would like to have any chance in getting back together GET THE F**K OUT!

You're right.

One thing I think you have to do if you do try to work things out with an EX again is take things back to date #1 and treat her like a plate. See her once a week, only for a few hours at a time then get out. Keep contact between dates minimal. Date other women and don't define the relationship for a few months. It's the only chance you've got. Make her earn it. Go sloooow and use self control.

 

[GADavid]

You're right.

One thing I think you have to do if you do try to work things out with an EX again is take things back to date #1 and treat her like a plate. See her once a week, only for a few hours at a time then get out. Keep contact between dates minimal. Date other women and don't define the relationship for a few months. It's the only chance you've got. Make her earn it. Go sloooow and use self control.

I am about to call another girl to set up a date for Friday. Then the onitis and I are meeting for a drink at the place we first went on a "date". I'm truthfully back to my normal self and have navigated these waters before. They are treacherous indeed. Light and fun, then I'm the first to leave. Leaves a good impression, brings back memories, shows you're not needy and adds mystery as to why I had to run... The goal is to get her hamster wheel spinning and doubt her original decision. The key is, you have to not care what the outcome is to pull it off; date 1 and a plate. That's all

 

[mkj1990]

Day 13 of no contact.

Having mixed feelings. Really don't want anything to do with this b**** from now on, and in almost two weeks I have actually not even been close to contacting her. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind, I'm so pissed and hurt. Just so fed up with being treated like a complete ****ing fool. But at the same time I want her to contact me, because that would show that she cares... Probably sounds idiotic, but that's how I feel.

I really want to get "back on my horse" after many months of frustration with this girl. But the thing is that this girl is really the first one I've ever had real feelings for. Haven't really been that good with girls earlier on in my life, but it all started to change about a year ago, and it was great! And it did not take long 'till I met her. But right now I feel like I'm back to square one, being an AFC. Really having problems getting back to where I was.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I am about to call another girl to set up a date for Friday. Then the onitis and I are meeting for a drink at the place we first went on a "date".

Excellent for you man. You should do it for sure. Call this other girl and hang out genuinely with her. So you can feel what is like being perceived as a man of value again, without any setbacks.

Now on the other hand, this so called date that you have with your ex, I would not recommend you going in the first place you went for the first time.

It seems like a good idea, 'cause you think you will bring back the good memories. But it won't. In fact it will seem that you are trying to lure her to a place where she felt something romantic for her... In other words, it will seem like a plan. And the worse, it can and probably will bring back not that good memories.

I would highly recommend for you to go to na new place. As you said yourself. It's a new date. Date 1. You have to create new memories with her.

If your endeavour is to get back, than you are wrong in the ideal itself. You can never get back, 'cause going back means you want that broken relationship back. You want to start fresh. Start over. A new relationship. Broken from the bonds from your previous installment.

If you can, and still have time, follow these words, and change the Place!

Best of Luck

 

[Lotus Effect]

Day 13 of no contact.

Having mixed feelings. Really don't want anything to do with this b**** from now on, and in almost two weeks I have actually not even been close to contacting her. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind, I'm so pissed and hurt. Just so fed up with being treated like a complete ****ing fool. But at the same time I want her to contact me, because that would show that she cares... Probably sounds idiotic, but that's how I feel.

I really want to get "back on my horse" after many months of frustration with this girl. But the thing is that this girl is really the first one I've ever had real feelings for. Haven't really been that good with girls earlier on in my life, but it all started to change about a year ago, and it was great! And it did not take long 'till I met her. But right now I feel like I'm back to square one, being an AFC. Really having problems getting back to where I was.

Read this s**t and see if you can relate any of those traits in your ex gf.

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

She just might be pathologically ill, and if is that so, there's nothing you can do about it.

It really helped me. And I was feeling like trash, even with the breakup being 5 months ago. I still have that knot on the troat, and in my gut.

Best of luck man!

 

[Jariel]

It's kinda strange seeing all these new posts now with guys going through all the confusion and mixed emotions about their ex.

A few weeks ago I thought my life wasn't worth living and yet it's so hard to believe that now. Yes, I still miss my ex and it still hurts, but I'm feeling good and optimistic about the future.

I've just got back on POF and have more options open now than I can count and out of nowhere a girl I've been crazy about for years got in touch. I asked her out and she seemed really happy about it. We're going out next week.

Meanwhile, after getting in touch after 43 days of no contact and telling me she still loves me, my ex is keen to meet up and see me. She's asking how I am, trying to make conversation and is hinting at us being fvck buddies, but even though I still love her and I kinda want her back, I'm actually fine just moving on right now and I'm looking forward to my date.

So, I just want to say to everyone going through heartache right now to stay strong, maintain no contact and have faith. It does get easier and life will be good again.

Above all else, try to force yourself to stay positive. There's something mystical and very powerful about positive thinking. Your perception of the situation, the way you feel, your body's chemicals and your whole demeanour, actions and interactions with the world are determined by how you think. By changing the way you think to be more positive, you can literally turn your whole situation around.

I've only recently discovered Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) but I wish I'd discovered it sooner. For those going through a break up and especially anyone who seems to have issues with insecurity, paranoia and reactionary behaviour that has ruined your relationship or past relationships, this will change your life!

Good luck!

I'll keep you posted on any developments and will try to stick around to offer advice where I can.

 

[mkj1990]

Read this s**t and see if you can relate any of those traits in your ex gf.

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

She just might be pathologically ill, and if is that so, there's nothing you can do about it.

It really helped me. And I was feeling like trash, even with the breakup being 5 months ago. I still have that knot on the troat, and in my gut.

Best of luck man!

Wow, some of that stuff... that's her!

Thanks mate. Feeling more and more optimistic each day.

 

[WBaussie]

Thank you to everyone who posts. It helps me realize why I need to stay strong with the no contact. 90 days for me and it is getting better!

 

[GADavid]

Excellent for you man. You should do it for sure. Call this other girl and hang out genuinely with her. So you can feel what is like being perceived as a man of value again, without any setbacks.

Now on the other hand, this so called date that you have with your ex, I would not recommend you going in the first place you went for the first time.

It seems like a good idea, 'cause you think you will bring back the good memories. But it won't. In fact it will seem that you are trying to lure her to a place where she felt something romantic for her... In other words, it will seem like a plan. And the worse, it can and probably will bring back not that good memories.

I would highly recommend for you to go to na new place. As you said yourself. It's a new date. Date 1. You have to create new memories with her.

If your endeavour is to get back, than you are wrong in the ideal itself. You can never get back, 'cause going back means you want that broken relationship back. You want to start fresh. Start over. A new relationship. Broken from the bonds from your previous installment.

If you can, and still have time, follow these words, and change the Place!

Best of Luck

Not a bad idea by any means! It was too late, though. It went really well despite it. The "quickie drink turned into 2.5 hours. Keep in mind this is a girl who thought I was scum of the earth and insane on Friday .... Kiss closed and she offered up hanging out this weekend. Spin plates. Do not care about outcome. And for the love of god, keep it light and fun. If nothing phases you and you at least pretend to be awesome, she'll start to believe it too.

 

[Renegade357]

Not a bad idea by any means! It was too late, though. It went really well despite it. The "quickie drink turned into 2.5 hours. Keep in mind this is a girl who thought I was scum of the earth and insane on Friday .... Kiss closed and she offered up hanging out this weekend. Spin plates. Do not care about outcome. And for the love of god, keep it light and fun. If nothing phases you and you at least pretend to be awesome, she'll start to believe it too.

It's fine if you can keep it like date 1 dude. Light and fun only, no talking about the future. Let her contact you after. Remember the more you give her the more she'll second guess her decision to hang out with you again. Spoon feed her and go as slow as possible. Always be willing to walk. Good Luck!

 

[flake]

Hey guys, have been reading this thread from the first page and have been enjoying the support group vibe and have been using as my own means of support.

Little background of my heart ache: fell for a girl fairly badly, first girl I have loved so was potent and made me severely weak-minded and I could only idly watch myself fall into the abyss without control. She has commitment issues, so has been very reserved about letting herself go within a relationship since the beginning, mainly due to past hurt. I ****ed up royally through drunken tomfoolery, this happened a few days after I told her I loved her, so she broke up with me. While I probably deserved it, I think it was also an escape plan for her as things were getting too serious and she was scared, probably as much of my expression of love as of her own growing feelings for me.

This happened around two months ago and there was sporadic contact that involved her saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with me with a lot of contradiction in her words and body language. My view (although maybe optimistic) is she wants me but is scared to want me so she doesn't want me, if that makes sense. She left for an OE for three months (avoidance), I haven't talked to her for a couple weeks but have been checking her facebook
page like a chump.

Want her, hate her, despise her, love her, changes depending on the minute of the day. Whatever she feels, she is obviously to conflicted
and it is toxic for me, so I must let go properly with NC and no ****ing
facebook. While I would probably take her back if she expressed the desire I feel this is becoming less true as time goes on, so hopefully completing this challenge will allow me to let her go and eventually find someone that deserves my sweet ****.

So I will use this thread for a bit of strength, thanks guys

DADADADA DAY one of no contact AND no facebook page!

 

[Lotus Effect]

Not a bad idea by any means! It was too late, though. It went really well despite it. The "quickie drink turned into 2.5 hours. Keep in mind this is a girl who thought I was scum of the earth and insane on Friday .... Kiss closed and she offered up hanging out this weekend. Spin plates. Do not care about outcome. And for the love of god, keep it light and fun. If nothing phases you and you at least pretend to be awesome, she'll start to believe it too.

Awesome Man! I also had the opportunity with my ex after 2 months. We went on a coffee date.
But following some stupid PUA advice I did not closed her. And she was there, in the open, waiting for my move. I did not made it. And I lost any real chance I had with her. Now I'm for the long long run. Something around 2 to more years run.

What I'm trying to say here is. Despite of all the good advices in here, and good intentions from the guys, sometimes, the best thing to do is follow your own gut.

Nice Job man! Just proceed with caution!

 

[Renegade357]

But following some stupid PUA advice I did not closed her. And she was there, in the open, waiting for my move. I did not made it. And I lost any real chance I had with her. Now I'm for the long long run. Something around 2 to more years run.

Nah, make no mistake about it. If a chick really likes you she'll help you out. The thought that you blew your chances with her because you didn't bang her during your first meeting is just silly.

I will say I don't like the coffee date thing though. No chance for romance there. You do coffee dates with girls you are first meeting. Much better to invite her over to your place and cook dinner or something. Have her bring something with her like booze or a salad. That way you're not spending that much money on her which makes it obvious you're desperate to have her back. It kind of takes the pressure off things and gives you a chance to get her naked if you desire.

 

[Blazing]

Well guys I thought I'd give an update.
I've spoken to my ex a little this week when we ran into each other. Mainly just asking how each other have been.

Ive come to the conclusion that we did the right thing in the long run. We still care about each other. But you can't have a relationship when you both plan to move to different states in the spring. Neither of us had any negative feelings toward the other and we both feel okay being friendly to one another.

To be clear this isn't a "hey let's start hanging out" type of thing. Just being friendly. I've focuses on the law of attraction stuff this week and honestly after speaking to her and confirming we both feel the same way. I've had one of the best weeks I've had in forever. Feeling super positive as well as getting interviews to pharmacy schools.

So all in all I know not all breakups can go like this. But I think I'm happy with the place I'm at in life right now. Expecting big things in the future

 

[Contrails]

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

Everytime, I feel lonely or I think sweet things about my ex, I reread this