The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Faldero456]

I wish my heart would just shut up and listen.

True dat

 

[foolyoufool]

Day 5... Woke up with such a strong feeling of missing her. It hurt so bad. Yesterday I was doing so well too... barely thought of her.

Well I have a lunch date today that should keep my mind off of it. And then a party later too. I'm moving on but its so hard. I still want her in my life. The only reason we aren't together is bad timing. Well that's at least what she said, who knows what the real reason is. She just made me so happy. But I can find my happiness elsewhere. I have to move on.

 

[henrea4]

Mornings are the worst. Seems like it would be at night, but it's not. Anyway, day 16 here...I'm just over a quarter of the way done. I have no doubt that I can keep this up for the 60 days, but I doubt I'll be "over her" in that time frame. I still don't see a point in reaching out if she hasn't tried to contact me, though. I'll most likely be ignored or told not to contact her anymore because she's with someone. Yeah....it's time to just come to the realization that I will probably never see or speak to her ever again....

..God, what a depressing f***ing thought!

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

Hey Guys,

Thought I better message on here as there was some development today, not in the greatest circumstances.

Unfortunately an immediate member of my family has a bit of a drug problem and this particular person was close to my ex. They asked me to ask my ex if she would call them in rehab. I did it and I got a reply saying

"I will give her a call, no worries. I hope you are doing well. I have been thinking about things and we went through so much together, it would be a shame for us to be out of each others lives completely."

I have to admit, I was surprised she replied and in such a way.

I just want to remind you guys that I dumped her in February and I carried on seeing her without the bf/gf tag till May, where she lost it and told me to where to go.

Anyways, we sent a few more text messages back and forth and then an hour later, she called me.

This conversation was extremely intense, but in a good way. She told me the guy she was seeing isnt anything serious and that she started seeing him to try and get over me.....only to now realise that was a stupid idea as it just delayed the loss.

She said her guy was putting pressure on her to be his gf, but she said she wasnt ready. He also was planning to go to Canada, but now hes met her, he seems to be delaying it....she said its making her feel really pressured.

We said we missed each other and she said "I feel bad saying I miss you, but I do."

I have to admit guys, I wasnt the greatest bf. Some of you are on here and you put me to shame with the nice things you did for your girls.

The last thing I want to do to my ex is hurt her in any way, so I talked about how her new guy seems like a good guy and she was the one who kept saying "yeah, but" about anything good I said about him. Weird.

We spoke about funny stuff too, laughed a lot and then I said I had to go, but that if she needed anything, I was here for her.

For me, it isnt neccesarily about getting back with her, its about having her in my life. For me, that was the hardest part to deal with.

She said that she was glad I contacted her, because although she had been thinking about me all week, she was NEVER going to contact me.

I now know that she still loves me and I love her. Thats obvious. Does that mean we will get back together, no.

From the sounds of it, she and I both need to be alone....the only problem is she is only now beginning to get over the relationship.

Guys, if you screwed things up, then dont expect that your ex will be dumb enough to fall into your arms after 60 days of NC.

I guess my point is, I played the victim for the last couple of months, when in all fairness I wasn't. I got dumped because I was an ass. I deserved to be dumped.

Im sorry I am rambling to the good guys here, but just my two pence worth.

Talking to her made me realise even if I dont get back with her, I want her in my life.

 

[Faldero456]

I want her in my life.

UnCreative,

Good that you have a special person. You have to live your life the best you can.

One question for you.

Do you want her in your life because she makes YOU a better person?

Faldero456

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

UnCreative,

One question for you.

Do you want her in your life because she make YOU a better person?

Faldero456

Great question Faldero.

She is a person who made me realise what is important in a relationship, in the sense that its more about how you feel rather than how you are.

Speaking to her today made me realise that my love for her isnt going to switch on and off depending on whether she is seeing someone or not.

I know we both still love each other, but I honestly think so much went wrong the first time (on my part, I have some issues that I am getting therapy about and she unfortunately suffers from depression) that it was always going to be difficult to maintain....I jut cracked before she did.

I dont think we will speak for a while now. I have to respect that at this moment she is seeing someone else and any trash talk about him will make me look pathetic.

So, for now, it was just nice to talk to her, she said the same, said she missed me and had been thinking about me and I ended the convo.

I am happy taking small steps here.

Hows things with you Faldero? How are you honestly feeling about it all?

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

Mornings are the worst. Seems like it would be at night, but it's not. Anyway, day 16 here...I'm just over a quarter of the way done. I have no doubt that I can keep this up for the 60 days, but I doubt I'll be "over her" in that time frame. I still don't see a point in reaching out if she hasn't tried to contact me, though. I'll most likely be ignored or told not to contact her anymore because she's with someone. Yeah....it's time to just come to the realization that I will probably never see or speak to her ever again....

..God, what a depressing f***ing thought!

Day 16 is fantastic mate.

I got to day 22 and it was purely by a family issue that I HAD to contact her about that we ended up talking today (see earlier post for convo detail).

We had the phone call and after that, nothing else. I didnt send a text or anything like that, it was conversation that lasted for 90 mins and one where I did my best to make her smile, because honestly, I am not sure if I deserve another chance with her.

As she reminded me, she didnt want any of this and she is now in a horrible position where she loves me but based on the two times before when I ****ed up, she is scared to be with me again.

I am trying to do the decent thing by her and as she said today "you know me inside out, thats why I feel so comfortable talking to you". I feel I owe her and whether its in the capacity of friends or in the future, maybe more again, then thats what I will do.

I have been an arsehole to women in the past, I really have. Then the first one who doesnt take my **** and finally calls me out on is prob the one who didnt deserve it.

Morally, I plan to do the right thing now and if that means friends only, then thats what I will do.

I think thats why I feel really good right now. Weird lol.

Henrea, you need to stick at this right now. You are still emotionally raw, a lot more than I was on Day 16. Im worried that what you are doing is counting down the days, but not thinking about what went wrong in the relationship and why it went wrong? What to do differently if you got back together and what you need to do as a person to better your life?

I havent finished, im still working all this crap out on a daily basis. I just know one thing for certain and that is ME AND MY EX CAN NOT GET BACK TOGETHER RIGHT NOW.

Therefore I am happy to enjoy this thought time and I know I ended the convo in a good way.

Begin to think of moving on (thats the hardest part, but I am dating other women) and imagine your life without them.

Let her have some time to miss you and you some time to work your head out.

It will be ok my friend, trust me.

My journey is still not over, but I prob wont be able to contribute much to the NC thread as I have broken it haha.

 

[henrea4]

Not really

I was in your shoes 7 years ago. Today? I thank my lucky stars it turned out the way it did. At the time, I thought my world was ending. Today, I see it was a new beginning, and I have freedom and opportunities I could have never DREAMED of having had I stayed married to her.

But for you? It is time you accepted that you are moving on, she is not coming back, and that in a few years, you too may realize it was a GOOD thing.

Get a copy of "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" . The sooner you accept this has happened, the sooner you can heal.

Realize a few things here:

1. You have VALUE
2. She is NOT perfect
3. There are others out there who will appreciate and love you - but you have to re-learn how to love yourself, and forgive yourself first.
4. Life goes on.

This is NOT the end of "your book" . One chapter has ended, and now a new one begins.

I'll have to check that book out. I need all the help I can get. And thank you for the encouraging words.

Henrea, you need to stick at this right now. You are still emotionally raw, a lot more than I was on Day 16. Im worried that what you are doing is counting down the days, but not thinking about what went wrong in the relationship and why it went wrong? What to do differently if you got back together and what you need to do as a person to better your life?

Nah...I'm way better than I was when we first split up 4 months ago. It's not even a contest. But yes...I'm still having a hard time accepting that it's really over. I do count the days and hope that today will be the day she "changes her mind". And yeah, I know what I did wrong: I refused to compromise, I was selfish, inconsiderate and I took her for granted. Yeah, I would say "thank you" when she cooked me breakfast and I always kissed her when I came home from work, but I hardly ever spent time with her unless we were watching a movie or I wanted sex. I know exactly what I did wrong and what I'd like to improve if given the chance. I guess I'm just going to have to let someone else benefit from this knowledge I have....I've been trying for 4 months to get her to "see the light", but in the process I've just been digging my hole deeper. I also did some creepy/borderline illegal things, such as checking her e-mail and harassing her with walls of text messages, some of which were very insulting to her. Maybe if I had just told her in the beginning that I am not cool with this, then backed off I might have had a slim chance.

Enough about that, though. For making my life better, I'm trying to do things I normally wouldn't be comfortable with. For instance, I've been going to the gym every day this week. I would have always been embarrassed to work out in public, but it's actually much better than doing it at home because it's almost like a competitive environment. You don't want to look like a p**** in front of all those jacked-up meatheads. Also, I never really have been very good with the ladies. I've pretty much always been afraid to approach them. My therapist suggested that I force myself to talk to at least 5 women a week. Not like getting their numbers or anything, but just striking up a convo. I slacked off a little this week, but I'm trying to do it....build up my confidence. I think I'm also going to start going to church. I need more positivity in my life.

 

[Faldero456]

Great question Faldero.

She is a person who made me realise what is important in a relationship, in the sense that its more about how you feel rather than how you are.

Speaking to her today made me realise that my love for her isnt going to switch on and off depending on whether she is seeing someone or not.

I know we both still love each other, but I honestly think so much went wrong the first time (on my part, I have some issues that I am getting therapy about and she unfortunately suffers from depression) that it was always going to be difficult to maintain....I jut cracked before she did.

I dont think we will speak for a while now. I have to respect that at this moment she is seeing someone else and any trash talk about him will make me look pathetic.

So, for now, it was just nice to talk to her, she said the same, said she missed me and had been thinking about me and I ended the convo.

I am happy taking small steps here.

Hows things with you Faldero? How are you honestly feeling about it all?

UnCreative

Today marks the end of day 15of NC for me. There is no getting back together. She has moved on. I haven't. What do I mean by that? I know in my head there is no chance. My heart hasn't caught up yet. At times I know it's done. I feel better for letting go. Then a few hours later I am a hurting again.

Bit by bit I am over her. I have gone on a couple of dates. All that happened was me thinking of how this date isn't with her.

This made me realize that I am not they type to just start dating and forget the past. I over analyze everything. I've got to be alone to love myself, before I jump back in the game.

Today was hard. My son was with his mother. So I had all day by myself. I went out to do things. Being out and not at home alone. I spent most of the day think of her.

I now can spend hours not thinking of her. But she comes back and hits me hard.

I am genuinely happy that you found your inner peace with her.

I do wish you the best UnCreative..

Me? I know I have to finish the 60 days to get to where you are. It's like having a surgery. You know it is going to hurt like a mother. But you have to go through the pain to get better.

Yes I know there is no reconciliation. Will I miss what we had? Yes. Knowing I, I know that I will have to go months alone and feeling regret, pain, sorrow.

Most pointers here have helped. But I know going out and fuc King anything that moves won't help me.

I have to be happy with ME before I can get together with someone else.

Even though I am still a mess, I am much better than I was 15 days ago.

Faldero456

 

[foolyoufool]

Hey guys, I just made a thread about me thinking about breaking no contact. Please post in it and let me know your thoughts.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=2057160#post2057160

 

[henrea4]

Hey guys, I just made a thread about me thinking about breaking no contact. Please post in it and let me know your thoughts.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=2057160#post2057160

She got a "serious" boyfriend and continued seeing you? What makes you think she won't do something similar to you again if you do manage to steal her away from this new guy? To me it really doesn't seem worth the risk, but then again what do I know? My track record with women is pathetic.

 

[Tissot]

Hello everyone I'm newly dumped member. Well how to begin, my ex and I broke up just over 3 weeks ago and we're in NC. We've dated over 4.5 years and lived together in most of the years together. We had strong bonds and it was healthy up until I brought up the idea getting engaged early this year. She finally admitted 2 months ago that she got scared about the idea and started evaluating our relationship. She wrote them down for me and it was a painful read but then from what she wrote I realised that throughout the relationship I haven't been very good to her. Let's just say I haven't been the same person she met the first time and I have been neglecting on my own happiness and future aspirations e.g my dream job, starting a family etc. I got scared after the letter she wrote and confined myself on the shoulder of friends one of them is female and she really is just a friend; nothing more. I invited my female friend to my house and met my family and we just hung out and talked. I told my gf at the time and she said why are you doing this? you can't be close to another female if you have a girlfriend, I apologised and said ok I will stop hanging out with the female friend. And then we are doing ok for another 3 weeks...she had to leave the city because of her new job so I organised a night together before she left but the last intimate night didn't end up well between us; I was being selfish sexually and putting my needs against hers (nothing illegal), she got upset and cried, and said she's not sure she can trust me again after of what happened, I said I'm so sorry and I promise it won't happen again ever and she said she know but she said she can't do it anymore but we didn't break up after. I took her to the airport the next day and we said our goodbyes and she left. Few days after she had gone I message her once a day asking her about her new job and it was ok until one night I said something rather negative to her about our past and then she said, sorry, she can't do it anymore...I was shocked (realised now that I was being a jerk) and I said can't we work things out and it's a bit unfair that we broke up over a phone call...she insisted that we should then I said ok, I love you and I'll miss you (while tearing up) and then hung up. It's been over 3 weeks now and I've done some reading of getting your ex back, NC, TGIGS, moving on steps and so on and also have done some journal writing and evaluate myself and what went wrong; I've realised now what went wrong and I've been improving myself. I'm missing her and I love her still, she's far from me and glad that she is otherwise it'll be harder on the moving on process. In addition the night she she broke up with me I asked, do you still love me? She said I don't know I just can't trust you after what happened...tonight one of our close friend told me my ex called her and they chatted and our friend (this friend of ours is a good friend and she has been a great help for me) told her that I'm doing ok and my ex glad to hear that...I'm still in the healing process and doing ok, my only question, when is the right time to contact her again and what do I say? I am assuming nothing of the past and positive text/call, I've been reading a lot about this and I am positively think that I can win her back but how/when do I start? Or should I wait until she contact me first and continue the NC? our friend asked her if I contacted my ex it would be ok eventually but not quite just yet...I have been doing ok although tonight I've never cried so hard and did it for like an hour; she is a very good girl just so everyone knows before you judge...any advices/comments would be greatly appreciated

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

I'll have to check that book out. I need all the help I can get. And thank you for the encouraging words.


Nah...I'm way better than I was when we first split up 4 months ago. It's not even a contest. But yes...I'm still having a hard time accepting that it's really over. I do count the days and hope that today will be the day she "changes her mind". And yeah, I know what I did wrong: I refused to compromise, I was selfish, inconsiderate and I took her for granted. Yeah, I would say "thank you" when she cooked me breakfast and I always kissed her when I came home from work, but I hardly ever spent time with her unless we were watching a movie or I wanted sex. I know exactly what I did wrong and what I'd like to improve if given the chance. I guess I'm just going to have to let someone else benefit from this knowledge I have....I've been trying for 4 months to get her to "see the light", but in the process I've just been digging my hole deeper. I also did some creepy/borderline illegal things, such as checking her e-mail and harassing her with walls of text messages, some of which were very insulting to her. Maybe if I had just told her in the beginning that I am not cool with this, then backed off I might have had a slim chance.

Enough about that, though. For making my life better, I'm trying to do things I normally wouldn't be comfortable with. For instance, I've been going to the gym every day this week. I would have always been embarrassed to work out in public, but it's actually much better than doing it at home because it's almost like a competitive environment. You don't want to look like a p**** in front of all those jacked-up meatheads. Also, I never really have been very good with the ladies. I've pretty much always been afraid to approach them. My therapist suggested that I force myself to talk to at least 5 women a week. Not like getting their numbers or anything, but just striking up a convo. I slacked off a little this week, but I'm trying to do it....build up my confidence. I think I'm also going to start going to church. I need more positivity in my life.

Henrea,

Its sad really, when you begin to put all the effort into showing a woman you want her and its usually when its too late.

Your sisutation sounds very similiar to me. I wasnt appreciativer of my ex at all to be fair and when she finally decided to leave me in May, it was inevitable. She wanted attention, I didnt give it to her and she found it in the arms of another guy. I dont blame her.

I understand you might have done some crazy, stupid **** to get back with her. You panicked and were thinking with your heart rather than your head.

You might be better than you were 4 months ago, but yeah, there is a chance that you might have scared your ex off.

I did not expect to speak to my ex yesterday. I didnt expect her to say she missed me. I didnt expect her to say "I feel comfortable talking to you, because youre the only person who knows me inside out". It was one of the best conversations I have had with her in months.

Oh, and just because she is seeing someone else, doesnt mean her heart has moved on. I thought that with my ex and she confirmed yesterday by saying "do you know how much you hurt me? Do you know I am still upset about it all now? Im upset because the person I am in love with I am scared to be with."

I honestly thought she was well and truly over me.

Just be patient, do the 60 days. I understand it may be a little bit hard for you to talk to women initially, so how about trying online dating? Some of my more shy friends have had some real success on there?

Keep it up Henrea, I hope we both get what we want. But if we dont, we want to make sure we deal with this in the right way so it never happens again. And for us, that involves working on being a better guy, both inside and out.

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

UnCreative

Today marks the end of day 15of NC for me. There is no getting back together. She has moved on. I haven't. What do I mean by that? I know in my head there is no chance. My heart hasn't caught up yet. At times I know it's done. I feel better for letting go. Then a few hours later I am a hurting again.

Bit by bit I am over her. I have gone on a couple of dates. All that happened was me thinking of how this date isn't with her.

This made me realize that I am not they type to just start dating and forget the past. I over analyze everything. I've got to be alone to love myself, before I jump back in the game.

Today was hard. My son was with his mother. So I had all day by myself. I went out to do things. Being out and not at home alone. I spent most of the day think of her.

I now can spend hours not thinking of her. But she comes back and hits me hard.

I am genuinely happy that you found your inner peace with her.

I do wish you the best UnCreative..

Me? I know I have to finish the 60 days to get to where you are. It's like having a surgery. You know it is going to hurt like a mother. But you have to go through the pain to get better.

Yes I know there is no reconciliation. Will I miss what we had? Yes. Knowing I, I know that I will have to go months alone and feeling regret, pain, sorrow.

Most pointers here have helped. But I know going out and fuc King anything that moves won't help me.

I have to be happy with ME before I can get together with someone else.

Even though I am still a mess, I am much better than I was 15 days ago.

Faldero456

Faldero,

How do you know she has moved on? Her seeing another guy means nothing. Its her way of trying to deal with things. It will come back to bite her, trust me.

I have to disagree with your thought process on dating though. Dating is harmless, its fun. The women you take on dates know its about getting to know each other and nothing more. You can go on dates and be honest about your feelings. Ive told women my situation and they have all turned around and said "well, its early days, lets just see how this goes" its easy.

I suggest you do it pal, just spend some time in the company of another woman. You dont have to bang her, just enjoy her company.

Im in a different situation to you. I messed up bad, so I kinda have to be a bit more apologetic in my approach. But you dont. You need to be confident, she needs to know you have other options, that you dont want her back just because you cant get anyone else.

I am a little bit lucky there, because my ex constantly worried about that with me and was shocked when I told her yesterday I hadnt slept with anyone. I might be dating, but I aint gonna mess these girls around, like I said, things have changed.

Try and arrange at least one date buddy. But as the saying goes "if you wont try, you wont know."

Good luck.

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

Hello everyone I'm newly dumped member. Well how to begin, my ex and I broke up just over 3 weeks ago and we're in NC. We've dated over 4.5 years and lived together in most of the years together. We had strong bonds and it was healthy up until I brought up the idea getting engaged early this year. She finally admitted 2 months ago that she got scared about the idea and started evaluating our relationship. She wrote them down for me and it was a painful read but then from what she wrote I realised that throughout the relationship I haven't been very good to her. Let's just say I haven't been the same person she met the first time and I have been neglecting on my own happiness and future aspirations e.g my dream job, starting a family etc. I got scared after the letter she wrote and confined myself on the shoulder of friends one of them is female and she really is just a friend; nothing more. I invited my female friend to my house and met my family and we just hung out and talked. I told my gf at the time and she said why are you doing this? you can't be close to another female if you have a girlfriend, I apologised and said ok I will stop hanging out with the female friend. And then we are doing ok for another 3 weeks...she had to leave the city because of her new job so I organised a night together before she left but the last intimate night didn't end up well between us; I was being selfish sexually and putting my needs against hers (nothing illegal), she got upset and cried, and said she's not sure she can trust me again after of what happened, I said I'm so sorry and I promise it won't happen again ever and she said she know but she said she can't do it anymore but we didn't break up after. I took her to the airport the next day and we said our goodbyes and she left. Few days after she had gone I message her once a day asking her about her new job and it was ok until one night I said something rather negative to her about our past and then she said, sorry, she can't do it anymore...I was shocked (realised now that I was being a jerk) and I said can't we work things out and it's a bit unfair that we broke up over a phone call...she insisted that we should then I said ok, I love you and I'll miss you (while tearing up) and then hung up. It's been over 3 weeks now and I've done some reading of getting your ex back, NC, TGIGS, moving on steps and so on and also have done some journal writing and evaluate myself and what went wrong; I've realised now what went wrong and I've been improving myself. I'm missing her and I love her still, she's far from me and glad that she is otherwise it'll be harder on the moving on process. In addition the night she she broke up with me I asked, do you still love me? She said I don't know I just can't trust you after what happened...tonight one of our close friend told me my ex called her and they chatted and our friend (this friend of ours is a good friend and she has been a great help for me) told her that I'm doing ok and my ex glad to hear that...I'm still in the healing process and doing ok, my only question, when is the right time to contact her again and what do I say? I am assuming nothing of the past and positive text/call, I've been reading a lot about this and I am positively think that I can win her back but how/when do I start? Or should I wait until she contact me first and continue the NC? our friend asked her if I contacted my ex it would be ok eventually but not quite just yet...I have been doing ok although tonight I've never cried so hard and did it for like an hour; she is a very good girl just so everyone knows before you judge...any advices/comments would be greatly appreciated

Hey there buddy,

First thing I have to say......PLEASE PUT SPACES AND PARAGRAPHS INTO YOUR WRITING WHEN YOU ARE WRITING SO MUCH! HAHAHA THANKS MATE :crackup

Ok, so you and her had arguments, but overall you wanna try and fix things and possibly get back with her?

In that case, I 100% believe you need to do the 60days NC.

To be honest, you sounded like a jackass in the relationship. She needs some time away from you and you need some time away from her.

It sounds like you have begun to work out why the relationship went wrong and it sounds like it was mainly to do with you. Question is, do you honestly feel you deserve another chance with her? Are you even any better a person yet?

This is why the 60 days are important.

Hand on my heart, if my ex said "shall we get back together?" my reply would be "Not until I have worked on my issues and can be a better bf than I was before". I honestly feel right now that if the guy she is with is making her happy, then she is best to stay with him. I love her enough for her to be happy with someone else and not risk coming back to me until I am a better bf.

Carry on up until the 60 days my friend. And then message her along the lines of wanting to be friends rather than anything else. Although she dumped you, like me, you deserved to be dumped.

Most guys on this forum didn't deserve it from the sounds of it.

But you and I did. It wont be easy, but its going to have to be baby steps for you mate.

Keep your head up.

 

[UnCreativeUsername]

Hey guys, I just made a thread about me thinking about breaking no contact. Please post in it and let me know your thoughts.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=2057160#post2057160

Lol Dude, if I was in your position, I would be banging every female I could get my hands on....you're in college! Who wants a serious gf?!!! Hahaha.

However, I know that doesnt help you right now. In answer to your question, she is little girl and craving attention. She gave you some bs about not wanting to see you cos you asked too late?!! If she liked you that much, she wouldnt have picked this other guy to be with, she would just be alone instead.

Its quite pathetic the way she is acting and yes, she will do it again, maybe to this guy or maybe to you if you somehow manage to get her.

The only thing is, she had no emotional investment with you because you were never actually in a relationship together.

Leave it alone for a while man. Go out, meet other girls and then see if she really is "the one" for you.

Mannnnnn, to be in college again!!! All you had to do was ask a girl if she liked george clooney or brad pitt and you were in there hahaha.

 

[Tissot]

Thanks for the advice

Hey there buddy,

First thing I have to say......PLEASE PUT SPACES AND PARAGRAPHS INTO YOUR WRITING WHEN YOU ARE WRITING SO MUCH! HAHAHA THANKS MATE :crackup

Ok, so you and her had arguments, but overall you wanna try and fix things and possibly get back with her?

In that case, I 100% believe you need to do the 60days NC.

To be honest, you sounded like a jackass in the relationship. She needs some time away from you and you need some time away from her.

It sounds like you have begun to work out why the relationship went wrong and it sounds like it was mainly to do with you. Question is, do you honestly feel you deserve another chance with her? Are you even any better a person yet?

This is why the 60 days are important.

Hand on my heart, if my ex said "shall we get back together?" my reply would be "Not until I have worked on my issues and can be a better bf than I was before". I honestly feel right now that if the guy she is with is making her happy, then she is best to stay with him. I love her enough for her to be happy with someone else and not risk coming back to me until I am a better bf.

Carry on up until the 60 days my friend. And then message her along the lines of wanting to be friends rather than anything else. Although she dumped you, like me, you deserved to be dumped.

Most guys on this forum didn't deserve it from the sounds of it.

But you and I did. It wont be easy, but its going to have to be baby steps for you mate.

Keep your head up.

First of all thank you for the advice, and apologies for not putting spaces and paragraphing my post. Your evaluations are correct, I am not perfect and I don't deserve her, I already admit that in my journal and already begin my quest to kill my own demon 3 weeks ago. I've realised what I've done and what I've lost. Although she is a nice girl but she was also far from perfect but then no one is, but yes my mistakes were beyond repair and the break up was inevitable.

I thought that I should continue the 60 days of NC that way I can really focus on the healing and to better myself when we do deserve each other again...I kept asking myself the question "would you want you back?" the answer is NO! I need to realise and change my ways so I can be a better person and love myself before attaining the love of my ex/someone else...

I don't regret the past since it was beautiful for the most part and gain a wonderful experience with my ex, we even lived in Japan for 2 years together!! I'm at the point now that life is testing me again and I really need to come out of this better than before, I really have been a terrible person but for the most part I was also loving and caring guy (to compare myself against her ex who dated her for two years and never took her out anywhere!!)

Anyway, drifting off there. Since the break up I've been doing a lot of self staring and self asking "why do you think she should take you back?" I don't have the answer yet and it's ok...as long as I work hard to improve I will see a positive outcome in the end. If hypothetically she has found another person then I have nothing but best wishes to them and she deserves her happiness with or without me...it will be painful if this happens but I would rather she sees me as better person rather than coming back with me with constant doubts whether I have truly changed or not...I want to show myself I can do it and maybe one day she'll see it too and perhaps change her mind...if not then I'm doing it for myself.

It's been a tough battle so far and I have a long way to go yet; I am trying to forgive myself at the moment for all the pain I've caused to myself taking more notes and reading it everyday to remind myself what needs to be done!

Thanks for the advice and keep them coming please

 

[Faldero456]

First of all thank you for the advice, and apologies for not putting spaces and paragraphing my post. Your evaluations are correct, I am not perfect and I don't deserve her, I already admit that in my journal and already begin my quest to kill my own demon 3 weeks ago. I've realised what I've done and what I've lost. Although she is a nice girl but she was also far from perfect but then no one is, but yes my mistakes were beyond repair and the break up was inevitable.

I thought that I should continue the 60 days of NC that way I can really focus on the healing and to better myself when we do deserve each other again...I kept asking myself the question "would you want you back?" the answer is NO! I need to realise and change my ways so I can be a better person and love myself before attaining the love of my ex/someone else...

I don't regret the past since it was beautiful for the most part and gain a wonderful experience with my ex, we even lived in Japan for 2 years together!! I'm at the point now that life is testing me again and I really need to come out of this better than before, I really have been a terrible person but for the most part I was also loving and caring guy (to compare myself against her ex who dated her for two years and never took her out anywhere!!)

Anyway, drifting off there. Since the break up I've been doing a lot of self staring and self asking "why do you think she should take you back?" I don't have the answer yet and it's ok...as long as I work hard to improve I will see a positive outcome in the end. If hypothetically she has found another person then I have nothing but best wishes to them and she deserves her happiness with or without me...it will be painful if this happens but I would rather she sees me as better person rather than coming back with me with constant doubts whether I have truly changed or not...I want to show myself I can do it and maybe one day she'll see it too and perhaps change her mind...if not then I'm doing it for myself.

It's been a tough battle so far and I have a long way to go yet; I am trying to forgive myself at the moment for all the pain I've caused to myself taking more notes and reading it everyday to remind myself what needs to be done!

Thanks for the advice and keep them coming please

Tissot,

You have the right frame of mind.

I need to realize and change my ways so I can be a better person and love myself before attaining the love of my ex/someone else...

You have to be good with yourself before you’ll be able to be good for anyone else. Keep working on that. Remember that you have to accept 100% of 50% of the break up. It takes two to tango. Yes, you did things to mess up what you had. She did too. Work that into your journal. I did and it helps to work out on paper what she did wrong. It’s not all your fault.

I don't regret the past since it was beautiful....

Never do. With the three, including the one that just ended, very important relationships I have had in my life I always look at them with a positive out look. There is a reason everything happens.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end ... Sometimes they die. Sometimes they go away. Sometimes they misbehave or act out and force you to take a position. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a REASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. It can teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It's real! But only for a time.

Lifelong relationships teach you lifetime lessons, those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person / people (anyway), and put into practice what they have taught you, to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Keep up the 60 days. Not for anyone else but you.

Faldero456

 

[Tissot]

Tissot,

You have the right frame of mind.



You have to be good with yourself before you’ll be able to be good for anyone else. Keep working on that. Remember that you have to accept 100% of 50% of the break up. It takes two to tango. Yes, you did things to mess up what you had. She did too. Work that into your journal. I did and it helps to work out on paper what she did wrong. It’s not all your fault.



Never do. With the three, including the one that just ended, very important relationships I have had in my life I always look at them with a positive out look. There is a reason everything happens.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end ... Sometimes they die. Sometimes they go away. Sometimes they misbehave or act out and force you to take a position. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a REASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. It can teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It's real! But only for a time.

Lifelong relationships teach you lifetime lessons, those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person / people (anyway), and put into practice what they have taught you, to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Keep up the 60 days. Not for anyone else but you.

Faldero456

Thank you Feldero456,

I've been taking each day as it comes and have been kind to myself and try to forgive myself and her of what happened. She is the most wonderful person I've ever met and grateful of our relationship. I know what I have to do, getting the motivation and pluck up the courage from within me to march on life but it feels unnatural for the time being since the break up still fresh.

23 days since we last spoke, we didn't argue during the break up it just ended, there was really no closure so I'm still in the journey to look for that closure. I knew her emotion building up into a crecendo of stress and resentment before she broke up and what I did was instigate, I should have been a responsible person and talked sensibly instead of being immature and bringing up terrible past experience and made her more upset. What is done is done! No amount of apologies and begging would repair the open wounds...only time and it will leave a scar but it will heal...

I think I'm in a depression stage of grief since everyday is a struggle, my laptop is broken, my work hours are cut, I'm looking for work, I'm writing journal, I've resume my jogging routine, but she still in my mind every second!! Only good memories though, I'm slowly forgetting about our break up and slowly realising what I've done and what to do to rid of them. From this day forth my emotion will be like a roller coaster ride, I just need to bear the pain, the sorrow, at the same time exitement until the ride is done and I can get off it.

I will keep you guys updated in my journey into 60 days of NC; if I ever have a temptation to call I will write here instead, and if she contact me I will seek advice on what to do here. Thank you for all your support and advice guys, it's nice to know that we're all have same issues and working together to repair them

 

[Tissot]

Hey guys,

Day 23 of NC, did all my chores today and kept myself busy, had a day off from work. Finished what I had to do since 2pm and now I'm numb :/ severely numb...suffering from serious attachment and communication withdrawal from my ex badly in the past 3 hours!! I'm on my bed and Indiana Jones is on usually I get excited over that but I don't even have the energy to watch or absorbs any of it!! It's really tough today guys!

I think I'll go for a jog in a few min, that might take my mind off things...also I might call a friend tonight just to seek help and maybe some comfort.