The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Cejay]

Shootin4Dreams,

I think you don't reply, for at least 60 days but probably more.

In fact you could pre-block her now. Take her number out of your phone, write it down and put it somewhere at home. That way if you're out and drinking/lonely you can't drunk call/text.

If you look back through this thread you'll see some of us (me, Lozboss) didn't get contacted. That hurt. However, you'll notice for the fellas that did get contacted is that it really through them for an emotional loop. They were really torn on what to do about it. It sucks every way you slice it but think not being contacted is better.

I contacted my ex after ~75-80 days, we had a few things to talk about and I needed a bit of closure. It was a really pleasant call. She has moved on, so have I. There was a definite connection on the phone, though.

I can see her contacting me after a relationship or two but I kind of hope she doesn't. I needed the closure/to discuss a few things but it sucked in a way because it set back my recovery quite a bit so my advice is that you never speak to her again unless you run into her somewhere, and then its polite and short.

CJ.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 3
Still not able to get enough sleep and having stress in my chest and cant seem to shake it or figure why. How can i completely calm down my nerves and get my full rest that i need and just forget this chick and move on?

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Shootin4Dreams, 100% do not contact her or respond. I read through your posts and it sounds like you had dependency on her.

I think a lot of us on here started the no contact challenge as a way to get back with our ex. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing. This might work, and I'm not judging you if this is your goal. You need this 60 days to reset yourself and gain some perspective. You need to make choices that will lead you to becoming a more independent man. Basically, as JrBak said, focus on improving your inner game.

The first few weeks of no contact are going to be hell. You need to stay strong, and, if she reaches out, do not respond. She dumped you because you weren't independent enough. Not responding is a great way to show your independence and maintain frame. This is your time to focus on bettering yourself.

Welcome aboard. Take some time to grieve. Do your best with the sleepless nights; we've all been there. After you at about 1 week you need to start setting goals for yourself.

And if she doesn't comeback at least you didn't waste two months pining over her. You'll be two-months of change more attractive to the next girl who will be lucky to hold your attention.

We got your back.

 

[Solvents]

Solvents,

It did take a minute to read. Everything in the past is done buddy. That being said, there's a way you can get out of this situation. My approach which seemed to work well for me in helping the move on process is to have "one final talk" and then to do a strict no contact. i would do no more than a couple minutes of chat time. "I need you to understand that I won't screw this up. That I'm mad about you and want another shot. And if you're not willing to give me that, then I will have to move on. Explain that you want her in your life regardless of her decision, but that you will need a period of no contact to help you get over the loss and to move on to he next chapter in your life." Don't rehash any of the issues. Just say, I'm here, take it or leave it.

Then leave it for a few months. Find a point where you can re-initiate contact if you're still wanting to be with her. And write her a letter. Take it casual and slow as a friend. And approach the situation with the mindset of outcome independence. Do not wait around. Your happiness is more important.

Thanks for the feedback. It's been almost 3 months now and I still do want to be with her, and even though we still DO talk about once a week, her tones goes up and down every time which makes me either feel better or worse after the phone call.

I wont say that our downfall was completely my fault though. Her children's discipline isn't the best, which caused her to constantly yell at them, and they took up a ton of her time. She would visit me at lunch most days, and usually always had atleast one child with her (she occasionally had a family member look after one of them) and even then she usually got on them for SOMETHING.

I think a bit part of the breakup was that she saw that I had lost my incentive to try and do things with her and her kids. She even told me that was the case, but I keep wondering if its something more.

It's obvious that I should stay no contact (which has been for 2 days now) because the last time we spoke was one of the days that she sounded indifferent, and she even told me not to call the day after because she wont pick up due to being "busy".

I know she wouldn't tell me if she had a boyfriend because she does care about me, and I keep trying to make myself feel better by thinking "Well she told me that she will always love me, and our breakup wont last forever". Or "She has two kids, most guys will think that's too much baggage and what relationship she has, if she can find one, wont last long".

However, she is a beautiful woman, has a few extra pounds, but that woudnt stop anyone from being with her. Shes pretty dramatic at times, and has only had a handful of relationships since her divorce roughly 3 years ago.

I am going to talk to her tonight because she said I could call today or tomorrow due to not being "busy", but I may have to tell her that its too hard to stay in contact like this, and will need some time to focus on myself.

I'm not sure if I will pull through and even tell her that. I may just treat it like a regular call and then initiate NC after that, but she not once stopped talking to me once a week, and met up with me consistently every other week or even more.

It sucks being caught between so many different emotions, and deciding on which to act on..

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

The reason i was dependent on her and felt scarce is because she was into my hobby i grew up with and i could connect with her on that and she was cute. And all women into the hobby that i was/somewhat into still are redneck or trash or obese. I want to be able to connect and rapport with any women i see attractive. So, i can have an abundance mentality. I am not sure how to build rapport with any girl though. They said i read that common hobbies dont l. It is connecting on an emotional level/personality. How can i do that and feel good about with any girl i see fit? How do i find new hobbies or passions or meet new women i see i like OFFLINE. Much appreciated i am trying to go in social circle game but clueless to be honest.

 

[Jrbak7]

Solvents,

Hang in there buddy. No shame is asking her to not contact you. But you need to take care of yourself. A lot of the women that men are talking about on here play the victim. And in some cases, it's because yeah we were ****ty boyfriends, but other times, it's just as likely that they were ****ty girlfriends. If you ask for no contact and she ignores that, then you need to take more drastic measures. It sounds like she's keeping you on the hook for when things are convenient for her. "But she says she loves me... Etc etc." this girl loves that you make her feel good. Chances are that she doesn't understand love, and never will. Love to her is infatuation and external validation. And if giving her that continues to destroy your emotional health, then she clearly does not love you! Move on.

 

[Jrbak7]

Shootin,

Just start doing stuff. If something sounds fun, do it! And if it actually is fun, guess what, it's a new hobby! Also, keep in mind that while we're emotional creatures, a lot of our evolutionary programming shows that we do need alone time. It's important to have a hobby that you can do without your significant other. You can't be with them 24/7, that's unhealthy imo. And that was an issue with my ex. She alienated most of her friends because she is needy and selfish. When they got tired of her bull, they moved on. Me however, I had an emotional attachment and addiction to this turd. So I hung around and helped her focus on her issues. She started seeing a therapist. I helped her pick out books to handle her craziness. The second she moves away, she seeks external validation elsewhere. My pain is really my own fault. I allowed her to treat me this way. Oh well, lesson learned. She'll never apologize, she'll never mean it, and she'll never love me in a healthy manner. She says she wants to be friends one day, if someone claims to love you and treats you this way, then how will they treat you if you are heir friend.

Eventually you'll get to a place where you realize it's best you never come into contact with her again. I hope that's soon, but it takes a lot of effort. For me, I truly believe that in my brain, but I'm still battling the pain in my heart. Today I was battling that pain of thinking we'll never make love again. But then, you just have to realize that her **** isn't that rare. It's funny, I was telling my buddy's girl this and she asks, "well was she that good." And I just start laughing. She was awful in fact. My count isn't exorbitantly high, and I can remember the 15ish girls I've been with. I can easily confirm that only one of them was worse than her for certain. Point being, we're attached. It's a drug. You'll heal. Put in the work and go through the rehab. Keep learning and reading. And that'll prepare you to face the next one better realize that you might naturally have an attachment mechanism that attracts the losers or users.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Also, she wasn't having sex with anyone else and she said i gave the best oral out of anyone. Why would she not want me to just have sex with her if she had no other options? Would a woman rather use vibrator then have sex with any guy??

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 39. Her window is closing. I hope that I get over this before she reaches back out. I'm realizing that I have to take care of me before I can ever help others. So I know logically I will do the right thing in the face of adversity.

One thing I'm focusing on are my achievements in social situations. We went to a bar one night, and she dared my buddy to get a number. He failed of course, he just isn't good in that scenario. So he dared her to get a guy to buy her a drink. She thought we were all having a great time and challenged me to get a drink. So, I say ok. I wait until a girl comes to the bar and I get a free drink out of her. Didn't even need to get up from my seat. Meanwhile she is flirting and failing hard. It just showed me that I have game, that I can be a social butterfly. I was killer with women before, and I can be again. Back in June we went out and I got 2 numbers in one night. This was my first night back out after dating this girl for a year and a half. So, you have to realize that if you focus on you, and be confident, people will be drawn to you. I'm not worried about being alone, I clearly can attract women. What I'm worried about is attracting the right women. And then being prepared for the "test" that is monogamy when I do find that right one? ... I was ready before I met this one. But I didn't listen to my brain. There were too many red flags.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

Also, she wasn't having sex with anyone else and she said i gave the best oral out of anyone. Why would she not want me to just have sex with her if she had no other options? Would a woman rather use vibrator then have sex with any guy??

A vibrator isn't needy and is uncomplicated. It provides an easy to get orgasm with low investment. She can just watch some porn, go to town on herself, get-off, then pull up her pants, and go on with her day.

She's not having sex with you or other guys because it just complicates things.

You need to put in work to becoming more independent. Obsession is unattractive. JrBak has had some good advice about inner game and hobbies. I suggest you take these to heart. Do some reading. Do anything to promote personal growth. Do not let this break up win or you will have validated every reason why your ex broke up with you.

 

[DrivingBackwards]

JrBak, yeah, buddy! Doing great. I think we are pretty similar. I've also never felt worry about attracting women but I do get worried about attracting the right one.

I've done fine with women over the years. I don't have any problem creating attraction or pseudo-dating a girl. I am, however, a little particular about who I become "official" with. I've actually only been official with three girls in the last 10 years (I'm in my mid-20s btw). Each of those I decided to officially date those girls because I felt a connection with them that was something more than I felt with the other girls.

I felt that connection with my ex. I guess I'm worried about how long it will take for that connection to come around again. It is pretty rare for me to feel that way. Oh well, I'll feel it again sometime. I'm not going to try to force it.

 

[mozie81]

Hi guys, found the website and needing some support. I am just at the end of Day 1 and in a bad way, She met me yesterday for a coffee and told after we had been apart two weeks she didnt love me anymore and found out she was happier without me. I done all the things I know I shouldent, pleading etc and today i feel so sick and depressed. I deleted her number, fb etc. But I'am completely obsessed, thinking about her, where she is, is she out, with who.. etc etc.

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Why would i depend on her or have codependent or be weak to her and lose my frame? Is it because i dont think i can do better? Honestly shes like 6 or 7

 

[Solvents]

It's extremely hard not to think about an ex that you loved so dearly. Rating myself between a number would obviously be different for me than someone else, but I think she was a 9 for me.

It only makes things harder when you know that you had that strong bond with your ex, and she was truly one of the ones that stood out and made you feel special. that's how she made me feel, like she wanted me and no other.

As time goes on though, both sides start to think differently, regardless of what they say to each other.. I did make the mistake of asking if she still loved me, if we would get back together and so on. She said that she will probably always love me and that we would get back together, but her kids and her Mother (ugh) are making it hard right now.

As more time goes on, she still calls me atleast once a week, but is becoming more and more distant. It's best to stop holding onto hope that things will reconcile and just get closure and go NC.

I've learned the hard way, and am pretty sure she is dating someone else now. Its been over 2 months since the breakup, and I still feel like I'm at day one. I'm still going to call her for closure, but hopefully after today, that will be it. So everyone, just remember to hang in there and FIGHT for you, NOT for them!

 

[Shootin4Dreams]

Day 4
So, she had a guy who treated her good (me) but, would rather be liking and chasing down this guy that had her for the side chick 4 years and doesnt care about her. Why are women so stupid and never get it she said she was over him and was faking sex and didnt care for him. but, if he showed up would have sex with him but wouldnt for me when i just showed up to her place? I should NEVER respect or care for women anymore.
Why would she lie to me say she didnt care for guy anymore or see him for 10 months but said she had feelings for him before she met me?
I seriously want to just call her just vent my anger out on her and tell her how retarded she is and **** off how about that can i let it out?

 

[Lozboss]

Guys,

You all need to start working on being more concise in your posts.

Equally if you just want to chat to one another use PM

There is far too much on here. Only intro posts should be this long.

This isn't a daily update thread- it's for advice and for posting when you are feeling weak.

 

[Spinach]

sigh

 

[Solvents]

It's hard to be concise when there are so many thoughts flowing through my head about her, but I suppose you're right.

From what I've learned so far, from myself and others here is that you just need to stay strong, think ahead, and not in the past. Stay occupied, and furthermore, cut off contact.

It's extremely hard, and I've failed to do so yet, but the next time she calls, I and hopefully everyone else going through this WILL STAY AWAY.

 

[MrEmms]

Alright. First post!

Broken up for a week, talked a little.

Honestly I'm at a bit of a loss, its quite hard to do this, I lost my alphaness to her and that's why she left me. Getting it back and getting my head straight has become top priority at this stage. It is hard not speaking to her and I have allowed myself time to grieve to help with the process. Me and her splitting up was the best thing we could have done at this stage of our lives, both of us have some tough **** to deal with and we are unable to commit to each other fully. I am not hoping to get back with her doing this 60 day no contact challenge. I am hoping to mold myself into a better man. Bought a couple books to read, finished my applications for my degree. Life is good bar the breakup. I see her every day morning and night when I go to the gym because I am from a smaller town. Which is hard.

I am going to be a better person from all of this. Better than what I used to be.

 

[Jrbak7]

Life is a mirror gentlemen. Everything we see in others, is a direct reflection on ourselves. It's all making sense to me now, why she would have thought that I was a narcissist, etc. I suggest devoting a solid amount of time to understanding human psychology. I keep uncovering disorders, and each one shares some classification to my ex. Today I discovered HPD. I'm nearly positive that she is that, and not BPD or narcissist. Im probably a slight bit narcissist. But I think really the problem in our relationship stemmed from her codependency issues.

She had to have me around. Or it was a nightmare. Even when I tried to break up with her she would come by my place, force herself into contact with me, etc. now that she's moved on, I'm able to really reflect. I think I have a bit of white knight syndrome. I put my relationship ahead of me. And when she moved away, her HPD requires her to find an immediate rebound. Self validate guys, and keep reading! Be prepared for the next woman, because she will appreciate that.