The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[drake33]

It's become clear to me that I really have to no care about her. If she's in hell, it's the hell she created. Yesterday felt like a huge setback, but at the same time, I know it was wrong because I've seen the other side. I'm not exactly dependent on the new gf, she's stuck by me when I almost broke things off with her for the ex months ago. She's a trooper. The ex can drown with the trash. Not my problem. I will enjoy my life and disconnect completely other than the best thing for my child. I am done. Feeling this way isn't worth it. At all. If provoked I will take her to court. I only asked her to come back after the threats is because I am not going to keep our child from her. I played that **** yesterday purely on emotion...not good!

 

[drake33]

Hey brother, been following your posts here for a little while. First off I'd like to commend you on your progress. You may not clearly see it now but as time passes you'll understand just how close to the light you truly are. Your task will always have it's own special hurdles to overcome as there is a child involved. Complete NC becomes an impossibility.

Let's pull some of your stuff apart so that you can better see what you've put into your message and maybe ask your self a few questions along the way.

You said you really screwed up, yet I see nothing that only one person did. Maybe you both screwed up and you only have part of the blame.

You said you wanted to make sure her boyfriend wasn't there. Do you think that deep down somewhere your still trying to hold onto your anger and keep control of the situation. If so, why? Wouldn't it make you look stronger if you just didn't care?

You argued because you let her have your daughter back early. Did you argue because you didn't get the response or gratitude you thought you deserved from her? Isn't this still a sign of some sort of emotional dependency?

You tell her to leave out of anger then beg her to come back after she threatens you. Wasn't any of this avoidable? Why train an ex to control you through threats? Do you think this will bode well when court time arrives?

You allow her to get a little handsy, make out and whatever else you do after the argument. Do you feel that this type of action gives you or her all of the control (think hard!)? Were you manipulated?

She says she's miserable and wants to break up. Did you start eating up all of the lies like candy? Did she gain control again and start to make you feel beta all over again? Maybe.

She's going back to the new BF. Isn't this awesome? Can't you finally start to regain control of your life? Or do you prefer to keep reliving the pain this girl puts you through?

Take care of your daughter. Pay half of the expenses as promised and enjoy your life. Only you can make this happen.

There are other things in your post you may want to reconsider: the bond you have with her family may need to grow apart. The not wanting to go to court may need to be reconsidered. Your drop off and pick up points for your daughter may need to be in a public place. You may want to carefully evaluate your current relationship with your new GF and slow things down. (jumping from one dependent relationship to another isn't always the best for healing yourself).

Just a few thoughts. As previously stated, a lot of us here have gone through what you're going through now.

Good Luck.

I appreciate your input man. I'm shifting my sole focus to being the best father possible. That's always been my goal, however things with the ex will no longer play a part in anything. It's over and done. I've buried her in my mind and heart. She's dead. No more. This has gone far enough. I'm going to let things cool off a bit, and then I'll reassess as far as court goes. I think something needs to be set in stone and that way there can be no confusion and she can't use our daughter to get to me.

 

[Lozboss]

Day 1

Friend saw her on POF. She denies it says it's 'somebody who has stolen her info' - like who would have bothered to do that.

Turned on me and said I didn't trust her blah blah.

Ended it.

Lesson for you all- Don't try again with your EX. It never works out.

Bit down, very angry, betrayed mostly. I'm a great guy whose been there for her through depression and this is my reward.

 

[ZTIME]

I appreciate your input man. I'm shifting my sole focus to being the best father possible. That's always been my goal, however things with the ex will no longer play a part in anything. It's over and done. I've buried her in my mind and heart. She's dead. No more. This has gone far enough. I'm going to let things cool off a bit, and then I'll reassess as far as court goes. I think something needs to be set in stone and that way there can be no confusion and she can't use our daughter to get to me.

Now you're thinking! No one here can force you down a path. You must choose your own path in life. All we can do is offer advice along the way.

Being the best father possible is an admirable thing to do, but in order to do that you'll also need to be the best Drake33 possible.

Pretty soon, the court system may become a necessity. Something set in stone gives you and your daughter a solid foundation to start building your lives together, and your right, without it the ex may use her to manipulate you.

 

[Cejay]

"Oh that wasn't you on POF? Can I see your phone?"

Lesson for you all- Don't try again with your EX. It never works out.

^ Thanks for posting that. The more I read that from fellas that tried the better.

 

[drake33]

Now you're thinking! No one here can force you down a path. You must choose your own path in life. All we can do is offer advice along the way.

Being the best father possible is an admirable thing to do, but in order to do that you'll also need to be the best Drake33 possible.

Pretty soon, the court system may become a necessity. Something set in stone gives you and your daughter a solid foundation to start building your lives together, and your right, without it the ex may use her to manipulate you.

It just sucks. I was doing sooo freakin good! Im still doing okay, but I feel like that was a set back. I mean, I got some insight, shes struggling and clearly not happy(which felt good, not going to lie), but the cost and this aftermath just wasnt even worth it. I know Im a good man with a lot to offer. Her loss...I just need to quit thinking about it...and the people in my life need to quit talking about it. She runs through my mind constantly. I hope karma bites her in the ass for this. Her classlessness about the whole situation. Our daycare provider wonders if shes in an abusive relationship. Shes thinks shes scared of him(new bf). I know I can overcome this. I just need to truly compose myself and then I'll take the necessary actions to get things in stone and taken care of. I hope she straightens out for our daughters sake, but other than that, I can't concern myself. I wont be sucked into anything involving her. F all of it just to get a reaction. I will not respond in any way,shape, or form. Thats all she wants. Screw it. Im better off. Thanks guys for all of the support. Im going to be better for this experience.

 

[Cejay]

Day 16

Yesterday I sat down and wrote a very long email to her. I really did fvck this relationship up, I didn't cheat but I didn't act great. The email discussed some of our problems and pointed out some changes that I'd made (I really did make them) and let her know the door was still open.

I read it and edited it 100 times. I told myself if I still feel this way in a week or two maybe, just maybe I'd send it, but not right now. I think more time is required for clarity on both our parts. Last thing I want to do is get her back and change my mind, or have her to the same.

So instead I texted a woman that I'd met on the meetups last week and asked her out for tonight. She was all over it. She sent me a really nice good morning text and then sent another telling me she's looking forward to tonight. I'm playing it cool, trying to keep her interest up. She seems nice. I'm all that into her at this point but the distraction and company are welcome as well as the practice.

Last night coffee date woman from Sunday, emailed me and asked me out on a date. So what the heck we set a date for later this week which means I've got something every night which should keep me out of trouble.

Being busy and lots of interaction with new people are helping a lot.

CJ

 

[Cejay]

Thanks Allin. Bummer on the date. You will get there!

I'm not sure how ready I am either so I'm keeping it light. I'm probably not even going to escalate physically.

I get what you're saying. I just don't let my mind go there but its harder to stop it from doing that when I'm alone.

When your ex comes into your mind push her out. Tell yourself, "I'm done thinking about her" and purposely think about something else.

Make the list I talked about and read it too, get her off that pedestal.

We can do this!

CJ.

 

[Lozboss]

"Oh that wasn't you on POF? Can I see your phone?"



^ Thanks for posting that. The more I read that from fellas that tried the better.

You are welcome. Learn from my mistakes.

When you become 'friend' rather than 'boyfriend' in a girls mind- it will rarely ever change back.

Easier, more rewarding and less painful to move on.

A lesson to you all - Feel good about yourself first, then find the people who enhance that and GIVE to your life.

If it brings pain to your life- it's not worth it. Delaying and hoping it gets better is just delaying the inevitable. Get the pain out the way and start healing.

 

[Cejay]

Day 16.

The date went well. Kept it light, closed with a hug. She sent a nice "thank you" text after I dropped her off. She's a nice lady, very recently separated. Perfect set up for some more casual dates or possible FWB. She'll not want to be serious anytime soon. I didn't think of the Ex once and we had fun.

The ex still pops into my mind daily, especially right now. We were supposed to take a vacation together in a bit and I need to plan the rest of it (already paid for) for myself. Thinking of the trip makes me sad, I was really looking forward to it (with her).

I need to keep her off my mind during work, she's affecting my productivity. I guess I felt stronger about her than I'd thought. As much as I want her back, I'm also glad she is staying NC. If she reaches out she is really going to blow my productivity/day.

Starting to think about all of this. Looking at my lost productivity, and time wasted on women, am seriously wondering if women are worth it. I could have a PhD and abs for all the time I wasted chasing pvssy.

Gym and dinner plans tonight via meetup after work. The advice and support here has been great. Staying busy in the evenings is key. Distractions are key.

CJ

 

[joshs1974@live.com]

29 days, and it's getting better and better. I still have my low moments, but overall I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. I have a date with an absolutely beautiful girl tonight, and another Friday night. That helps a lot. Stay strong, brothers!

 

[zorg198]

Its been 7 month's. damn, i still remember the words i wrote her that i will never speak to her ever again, i will be like a fade memory. still holding to my promise.


Sometimes i have bad moments, sometimes good one's. i still think about her sometimes but when i think about the bad things she did to me and how i felt i get angry and i get better lol

Stay strong brothers.

Joe.

 

[drake33]

This ****ing sucks! That is all!

 

[Wisconsin144]

This ****ing sucks! That is all!

What's going on now brother?

 

[drake33]

What's going on now brother?

Just hashing it all over again in my head. Sunday I thought we were getting back together. I was getting my family back. And then..nothjng. She says "I'm in love with him" I fear custody battle. I fear for her safety, and my daughters. I don't want her back after this ****. I'm just worried. I'm stressed out. I hate feeling this way. It's ****ing stupid. Im a good man. My gf loves me and she is smart, educated, etc. what the hell is wrong with me? What happens when ex tries coming back. How do I tell her to go to hell any faster!? I feel stupid. I was fooled. I am just in a low point overall. I shouldn't have said a word to her and going forward, I won't. I don't want her in my house, or in the general area of me. I know it will subside and I will have to be for our child but not yet or anytime soon! I'm just pissed!

 

[Cejay]

Just voicing my support. It sucks, you'll be OK.

Think about all the good things in your life. I bet there are a ton.

Sounds like you're far better off without the Ex.

CJ.

Just hashing it all over again in my head. Sunday I thought we were getting back together. I was getting my family back. And then..nothjng. She says "I'm in love with him" I fear custody battle. I fear for her safety, and my daughters. I don't want her back after this ****. I'm just worried. I'm stressed out. I hate feeling this way. It's ****ing stupid. Im a good man. My gf loves me and she is smart, educated, etc. what the hell is wrong with me? What happens when ex tries coming back. How do I tell her to go to hell any faster!? I feel stupid. I was fooled. I am just in a low point overall. I shouldn't have said a word to her and going forward, I won't. I don't want her in my house, or in the general area of me. I know it will subside and I will have to be for our child but not yet or anytime soon! I'm just pissed!

 

[Wisconsin144]

Just hashing it all over again in my head. Sunday I thought we were getting back together. I was getting my family back. And then..nothjng. She says "I'm in love with him" I fear custody battle. I fear for her safety, and my daughters. I don't want her back after this ****. I'm just worried. I'm stressed out. I hate feeling this way. It's ****ing stupid. Im a good man. My gf loves me and she is smart, educated, etc. what the hell is wrong with me? What happens when ex tries coming back. How do I tell her to go to hell any faster!? I feel stupid. I was fooled. I am just in a low point overall. I shouldn't have said a word to her and going forward, I won't. I don't want her in my house, or in the general area of me. I know it will subside and I will have to be for our child but not yet or anytime soon! I'm just pissed!

She's trying to keep you on a leash. Thinking of you as a fallback in case her scenario doesn't work out. Cut contact about anything BUT your daughter. I can't imagine how hard that must be, but she is intruding on your personal time that you NEED to heal. Keep all conversations short and about your child. Don't tell her anything about your personal life and fake it till you make it. She's a toxic situation all around it sounds like. Keep your current girl around, sounds like a real catch, don't allow your ex to come between that. Because she'll encourage you to break that, then leave when she knows you're alone again.

Stay strong Drake. Always here if you need it. -Jared

 

[drake33]

She's trying to keep you on a leash. Thinking of you as a fallback in case her scenario doesn't work out. Cut contact about anything BUT your daughter. I can't imagine how hard that must be, but she is intruding on your personal time that you NEED to heal. Keep all conversations short and about your child. Don't tell her anything about your personal life and fake it till you make it. She's a toxic situation all around it sounds like. Keep your current girl around, sounds like a real catch, don't allow your ex to come between that. Because she'll encourage you to break that, then leave when she knows you're alone again.

Stay strong Drake. Always here if you need it. -Jared

I'm being a pansy about this. This isn't me. I hate it. I'm bigger than this. I should feel relieved she doesn't want to be with me. She is no longer my concern. I just care...and I have to let go. What karma gives her is on her. I really have to pull my heart back and not give three ****s what happens to her. My daughter only. I don't care how well or bad her mom is doing anymore. I won't react to the petty ****. For now, unless provoked, I'll hold off on the legal side of it. I think what triggered yesterday is I had a girl I know from way back contact me, just a general acquaintance. She congratulated me on the new gf and wanted to warn me about the exs new bf. The exs new Bfs sons mom is good friends with this aquaintence and told me all of the things he did to her. Abuse, breaking into her house, etc. I'm sure ex is aware of most of this, and yet she wants him. Over me. Over our family. That's the hard pill to swallow. I need to get myself together. I feel disoriented. I'm no ones back up plan. She lost her chance. She can have him and whatever ****ty things life throws her way. I think the biggest thing I need to accept is that I won't have a traditional family. Something I never had and wanted like no other to give my child. I also have to accept that while I knew in my heart we could have worked through things, SHE DIDNT WANT THAT. I need to allow myself time but the pity party has to end. It's a cliche thrown around in this thread constantly but it truly is her loss. I know I have a lot to offer. I have to erase any glimmer of hope or what if from my mind. It's over. I'm not getting back with this woman no matter what. No more if things don't work out, etc. Even if I'm single and so is she, this betrayal cemented her fate with me. Friends isn't even an option. I hate this ****e!

 

[drake33]

Mauser, please help me man! I'll listen, I promise. Nothing is worth feeling like this.

 

[Wisconsin144]

Mauser, please help me man! I'll listen, I promise. Nothing is worth feeling like this.

Honestly I don't think you need help! After your long post, you're on your way to recovery. Now it's just dealing with the emotions. Like you said, it's HER loss. Just like my ex who is failing out of school and dating a druggie, meanwhile I'm going to college, working full time, own two cars and a motorcycle, all at the age of 17. But I thought she was so perfect? It's so true what they say about having these girls on pedestals, it's mind blowing. What you need is to enjoy what is going on in your life without this ex. Let her live in an abusive relationship if she chose that relationship, she's the idiot that chose him over you, and if she's that dense to throw away a guy that truly cared, then she is not worth the heartbreaks. Forget about this girl and base all of your love to your current girlfriend. If she stuck around for all of this, well she must be pretty great!

- Jared