The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Noyou]

Hi guys, I lost count but my ex broke up with me on the phone in May. I kept no contact for 3 months and later we started chatting everyday by text a couple of months ago. bad idea He's not well and is under going severe counseling.red flag red flag red flag He was a nice guy so I don't think its a good idea to ignore him at this time of need.

Well I am moving to a new flat next week and there wasn't anyone to help me dismantle my furniture so he agreed to help me. bad idea He drove from Worcester to London to help me move these things and we shared a hotel room that night. We didn't have sex but I noticed all night he kept turning and at some point his hand was around me, hugging me .
We were up the next day for lunch, then we took a walk to my new place and then we got back home how him to drive back, I noticed his mood has changed and he looked all unhappy.
I asked what's wrong and he excused himself and went to the bathroom where I could hear him sobbing . Another red flag, this guy is obviously a **** mess, stay away from him
When he came back into the room I asked him to talk to me cos and he was like
- I am scared of letting you alone, I don't know if you will be alright. Am sorry about the way I ended things with you....Now he sounds like a nutcase narcissist , "I'm scared of leaving you alone"? I've never heard a bigger load of crap in my life He was sobbing heavily and at this stage we were both hugging and sobbing together. He said he had to take counselling because he had a lot going on that made him so angry with everyone around him. And he noticed he was taking some of those angar on me and it was making me unhappy. And that his family and friends said it wasn't a good idea be was coming to London to see me . he is a man, that's his own choiceHe said he had a great time and I reminded him of when we were dating and that he will like us to stay friends and that I can visit him any time - he promised to keep in touch. of course, he can feel less guilty about the **** he pulled
Well we sobbed and hugged and he left.
Last time I heard from him was yesterday when he got home and sent me a me a message he got in and was thankin me for the gift I got him.
Well I accept I cried for hours after that. It felt like same break up a second time around.
I miss him but I have decided to check on him like once a month just to know his counselling is going ok. He's the one that got away but I know I will survive
What I don't get is why he sobs and worries about me when he was the one who ended things Feel less guilty, play you, keep you on the back burner, FWB, relationship without the relationship. Sounds like my ex and what she said.

My thoughts in bold

he's playing you and your emotions. This guy is a bastard at best and you need to drop him now. GO TOTAL GHOST. He KNOWS what he is doing and you're playing into his game. Stop the games and go NC.

 

[petitefri]

Hi NOYOU: thanks a lot for your messages .
I know what you mean and it hurts more to know I know it's a trap but yet it's hard to avoid it.
I haven't texted him today so this will be a start of my NC. And if I hear from him, text what should I do? Not reply right?

 

[Noyou]

Hi NOYOU: thanks a lot for your messages .
I know what you mean and it hurts more to know I know it's a trap but yet it's hard to avoid it.
I haven't texted him today so this will be a start of my NC. And if I hear from him, text what should I do? Not reply right?

If you hear from him: Ignore him. Only and I mean if only a clear indication he wants to give things another go, then proceed how to take it the way you want to. I know some people will say "well maybe he/she won't give clear indications," I'd say that's not my problem and not my loss. I showed that I wanted to make it work, but I found out I was the prize and you are not worth my time. Show me you are worth it / why I should give it another shot

Other than that, everything else is crap / an Ego boost / "You're the only one left that will accept me"

Same goes for calling, let that crap go to voicemail. I PROMISE you, he will start to break down. He sounds like a wreck and I'd avoid him all around.

How is it hard to avoid? You have no kids, no place to share, job to share, correct?

Drop him.

It is hard, it is rough, and I'm sure you love him, but you need to do this for your own life and sanity

 

[Shaka]

I agree with Noyou.
Even if he msg you telling he wants you back, don't give in yet.
I think there are some rules that you need to follow when you want to give anotehr try with an ex when you been dumped :

1/ the ex has to be very determined
2/ the ex and you moved on
3/ both the ex and you must have changed
4/ A good amout of time must have passed

Even with all this, I dont recommand you to do it. Especially since he is a mess right now (and you too, since it triggered some emotional reminiscence)

Stay NC. You saw him and it setted you back.
Everyone here, please notice how it's ALWAYS a bad idea to break NC. You will end feeling WORSE than the first time if you're not completely healed.

 

[petitefri]

So my ex just sent me a message asking how my say went. What should I do?
Ps: I had moved on but he's the first true relationship I have ever had.

Well, I don't think he wants to get back in a relationship with me. But he promised to stay in touch to see how am doing since I haven't got any family in the UK.
Mmmhhh now I thinn am defending him.

 

[Shaka]

So my ex just sent me a message asking how my say went. What should I do?
Ps: I had moved on but he's the first true relationship I have ever had.

Well, I don't think he wants to get back in a relationship with me. But he promised to stay in touch to see how am doing since I haven't got any family in the UK.
Mmmhhh now I thinn am defending him. ��

Look, you know the answer already

So Im gonna give you some tough bro love you need to listen to.

As Noyou said, he is just looking for your validation. And in the process of giving it to him, you will hurt yourself more, while you seek for your own validation and ego boost
Stop being so weak. YOU DONT NEED THAT SH!T RIGHT NOW.

Here's what you gonna do :
1/ Delete all information flux between you two (I know you wont)
2/ DO NOT ANSWER EVER
3/ If you have the urge to, come here and report. The people here will set you straight
4/ go lift, or swim or run
5/ find some hobby and friends
6/ Delete all his contacts info because I know you still have it

Now you don't seem to have any kind of support system. This thread is here for that purpose. GO READ EVERY PAGE OF THIS THREAD and absorbe the experience of the others.
If you really want to heal, stick to it or GTFO

Best of luck

 

[Noyou]

Look, you know the answer already

So Im gonna give you some tough bro love you need to listen to.

As Noyou said, he is just looking for your validation. And in the process of giving it to him, you will hurt yourself more, while you seek for your own validation and ego boost
Stop being so weak. YOU DONT NEED THAT SH!T RIGHT NOW. Agreed. It is hard, but for your sake, its is for the best

Here's what you gonna do :
1/ Delete all information flux between you two (I know you wont) This is one of the big ones, you have to delete EVERYTHING. Trust us when we say this. I will say why here at the bottom of my post
2/ DO NOT ANSWER EVER Yes
3/ If you have the urge to, come here and report. The people here will set you straight We are your rock for now until you can muster enough courage to better you for yourself. Please do comeback here if you have an questions. 95% of us have been there or currently there. You are not alone
4/ go lift, or swim or run Since you are a female (Assuming), if you haven't gotten your career going yet, work on it. If you are wanting to lose weight, do it. If you are wanting to better your life, DO IT. Idle minds tend to think negative. Be active and get those juices flowing
5/ find some hobby and friends Agreed
6/ Delete all his contacts info because I know you still have it Again, do it

Now you don't seem to have any kind of support system. This thread is here for that purpose. GO READ EVERY PAGE OF THIS THREAD and absorbe the experience of the others.
If you really want to heal, stick to it or GTFO The GTFO is hard, but it is reality, you need to heal, and you heal by getting the toxic that is your ex out of your life.

Best of luck

My Thoughts in bold

Ok so I'll say getting rid of EVERYTHING has this purpose:

1. You don't see your ex
2. You don't hear your ex
3. You don't talk to your ex
4. You are not reminded of your ex

I will tell you it was hard for me to get rid of all the sentimental stuff, because it made me think of the good times in the relationship. After ignoring them, I started to see that bad, and the bad/good was about a 80/20.

I realized that in my past relationship:
SURE! the sex was good
SURE! she was nice

BUT, the ex cheated on me, led me on, played games, didn't stand up for me, had tons of insecurities but yet flaunted her body like a slut and most of all the ex ruined who they were.

My ex is an: Illusion, a guise, a lie

Once I started to see that, everything started looking up from that point.

From that point, I've bettered myself, still bettering my career, hit the gym, lost weight, women look at me now, had sex with several 7-9s one of them being a FWB still, nice curvy women with all the right places filled and more, and not only that, I'm having fun and I'm excited about life

Because in the midsts of being shackled by the ex, I lost what I wanted, and now I'm working towards the man I want to be, and that requires only the best.

You need to get to this point. Too many people live lives of being mediocre and then die. Don't settle for mediocrity. Life is too short to give in to a ****ed up individual

 

[Noyou]

Last night was tough. I couldn’t stop thinking about the ex and all the good times. I realised that I’d lost one of my best friends and I was overcome with this overwhelming sense of loss. I was close to tears. Very strange since I really didn't feel that close when she was around. Just longing for the comfortable, I'm sure you know this.

Today I started really analysing a lot of my flaws and deep down I know or at least feel that I was the one most responsible for the break up. By that I mean I wasn’t always a good boyfriend. In fact at times I really misbehaved – caused unnecessary arguments, took out my stress on her and often reacted out of proportion to any slight (real or imagined) made by her. A less devoted girl would have ended the relationship a while back. But I guess since I always maintained an aura of strength I was able to get away with it and she would forgive. This is good to do to be honest. Knowing your flaws and working on them is for the best. However did she create something to make you reason ideals for the arguments?

Now that she’s moved out and has her freedom I don’t think she will want me anymore. She said as much herself. People say a lot of things, doesn't mean its smart or they mean it. lol

I still feel like “the prize” in that my self-esteem hasn’t really been affected and I’m generally quite confident in myself but I know that I’m not the man that I want to be. I believe my underlying anger caused a lot of problems and after reading a few books on overcoming anger I realised that this is exactly the problem. I am either appraising a situation in too extreme a manner or even where my anger is somewhat justified my response is out of proportion to the event itself. In practice this basically led to me arguing with my ex over stupid little things and then escalating to the point where I would want to emotionally hurt her often ending with me breaking up with her and then a reconciliation a day later. This happened more and more regularly as the relationship progressed.

I am seeing it clearly now and know exactly what I need to do to make sure that I can be happy going forward. I’m going to keep reading up on overcoming anger and fortunately anger management is coming up after exams so I’m confident I’ll tackle this issue. It seems you need something like a breakup to really expose your flaws and act as a catalyst for change. Truth

I keep trying to rationalise why it would be ok to contact her. I’m thinking “I’ve had this moment of clarity! I know my flaws…I’ll just tell her I’m going to change and then she’ll get back with me” but fortunately I have the self-awareness and past experience to know it would be fruitless. There is no combination of magic words that is going to convince her to get back with me.

Plus any communication at this stage, regardless of how I feel will only make me look needy and weak – she won’t even hear the words.

The main motivation to do this challenge is that contacting her in the near term will achieve nothing. Another motivator is I actually like a challenge and want to see for myself if I have the mental willpower and discipline to go through with this for the whole 60 days.

By the end of the 60 days If I still have feelings for her and believe her to be as unique and special as she is in my mind right now (despite all her flaws) then I will contact her and explain what I’ve said above. Because even though she doesn’t want to be with me right now the truth is that she is justified in her reason to not want to be with me. I was not as good to her as I should have been.

However this contact will only happen given two condition:

(1) I am fvcking someone else on a reasonably regular basis (that way if she rejects me which is more than likely since I expect she will have moved on) then I have a back up chick and can truly flush her memory out of my life for good.

(2) I have to without fail go NC for all 60 days since it's important that I truly grow from this experience and don't just fall back into debilitating familiar comforts.

I would say
When you are over her and she contacts you. Other than that, never speak to her again. Period.

In bold

 

[mikey2012]

Surprisingly, my ex broke our two month long silence and texted me over the weekend to wish me a Happy Birthday ("you've been in my thoughts today. Happy Birthday") Being nearly completely over her, I didn't find much of an issue by making an exception and replying an hour later ("Thank you. Appreciate it") Little attention seeker just had to sneak a jab in there though, responding early the next morning ("Nothing to appreciate. Hope you had a good one") I haven't sent anything back, nor do I plan to write anything else ever. A part of me momentarily regretted attaching the "appreciate it" part when she wrote back early in the AM until I quickly realized the pointlessness and stupidity in both overanalyzing our messages and engaging in a back and forth with her. I've faded out completely for two months - I can easily add another month to that, and another, and another, and so on. My sister also informed me that she just made her Instagram profile public, probably in hope of showcasing to me the boring @ss life of her's I'm no longer a part of - color me devastated :yawn: Yeah she dumped me, but I took a massive dump on her ego by means of NC. Here's to all the wisdom I've learned on SoSuave ...CHEERS![/QUOTE

She not over you brah.... You shouldn't have answered in the first place or just wrote back "thanks". The cvnt wants to keep you on my the back burner .

 

[Between_The_Lines]

She not over you brah.... You shouldn't have answered in the first place or just wrote back "thanks". The cvnt wants to keep you on my the back burner .

I know. I realized I dropped the ball by including the appreciation part, but it could have been far worse (ex. "I miss you", "how are you?", "how have you been?", "are you seeing anyone?", "wish you could have been here with me", "having you by my side would have made my birthday complete" etc. etc.) I very briefly considered getting a dig back at her after reading her response, but I'm sure that's exactly what she was hoping for, and I figured picking up where I left off and feeding her continued indefinite silence would get across my message more effectively, especially in the face of a pathetically nonsensical attempt at taking a swing at me (wait just a second - who broke up with who again? Guess NC really ruffled your feathers a bit there huh ho? ;-) )
I've already expended far too much energy churning resentment inside for her. My main preoccupation now is to improve myself to the point that I will one day reflect back on her and think to myself "geez, I dated her, and for that long? The fvck was wrong with me!?" That's the goal which, paradoxically, will have her directly tied to its origin.

 

[christoff522]

Gone 7 days NC up to now.

Received a message yesterday asking how my halloween was.

Missing me, evidently. However I've completely ignored, deleted the text and cleared the log so I still don't have her number.

Shook me up though, I never expected a girl with a bf to still text me after I told her I no longer wished to continue.

That's BPD for you. I expect more to come in the future.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Gone 7 days NC up to now.

Received a message yesterday asking how my halloween was.

Missing me, evidently. However I've completely ignored, deleted the text and cleared the log so I still don't have her number.

Shook me up though, I never expected a girl with a bf to still text me after I told her I no longer wished to continue.

That's BPD for you. I expect more to come in the future.

She might be missing you, but don't fall for assumption. Always judge the actions over the words. If she was really missing you, she'd try to meet you. More than likely she wanted a bit of attention. That's no reflection of you. It's just how it is.

She will do what she wants at a given moment in time; not what you tell her, nor what you expect. People hardly ever do.

 

[christoff522]

She might be missing you, but don't fall for assumption. Always judge the actions over the words. If she was really missing you, she'd try to meet you. More than likely she wanted a bit of attention. That's no reflection of you. It's just how it is.

She will do what she wants at a given moment in time; not what you tell her, nor what you expect. People hardly ever do.

I was kinda being sarcastic when I said that she was missing me. You're completely right that she just wanted attention, she wanted attention when SHE wanted it. Not when it suited me. You're completely right.

She has a boyfriend, she loves him. 7 days will become 70 - God willing.

 

[Noyou]

EDIT: Update. The ex just text me with this:
"I hope you are good and things are going well for you. I miss you like hell"

well ain't that grand? Well if you miss me like hell, why did you leave me?

It's 11 pm so I'm going to leave it but knowing that I do want to get back with her at some point is it worth replying, waiting till she says something a bit more explicit (i.e "I want to get back with you") or wait till the NC period is over and then hit her up again.

Stay ghost, do not reply. You will only feel worse after she goes ghost on you after you respond. If she is meant to be she will come back but she is MAKING NO EFFORT TO GET TO YOU OTHER THAN SAYING I MISS YOU. Is she with you? No.

Again stay ghost

This was pretty good:

The "Just Got Dumped" GUIDE
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594
it is, now follow it

Thoughts in red

 

[Shaka]

Follow the you just got dumped guide and listen to Noyou.
Stay ghost.

If you reinitiate, asking that question, you will be done.
Understand this : even if you are willing to get back with her in the future, you have to be prepared TO LOSE HER.
Don't cling on the idea of "I should answer so I can reinitiate later and get back together or she will really move on".

NO, NO. You have to stick to your decision for now. You might lose her in the process but who care ? You have to be stronger than that.
You have sh1t to sort out first. If you lose her, go find other women.

 

[Noyou]

Wake up to a complete barrage of texts from the ex.

Her: Do you think we could meet for a coffee after your exam? no
Her: Oh god please social_leper
Her: I apologize for every situation where I have been wrong
Her: with all my heart great, you should act on it then, not tell me
Her:And even if you can never imagine a relationship anymore I cannot bare the thought of never seeing you again
Her: It kills me from the inside social_leper good, die quicker
Her: And I am sorry about this as well
Her:But I cannot stop thinking of you. It is so unfair. I know you are great with moving on but I am not. no it's not because you are playing games, you left me and you're saying you miss me and you want me? Come get it then.
Her: I am sorry. You told me not to contact you and I have to respect that. Sorry. good, and yes you are sorry

Starting to feel sorry for the old girl fellas. don't

At the start of this NC I said that if she reached out to reconcile I would probably take her back. She needs to reach out more than this.

But at the same time I do want to get back into my hobbies and I do want to genuinely work on the negative aspects of my personality. All this will be more difficult if we get back together at this stage. it will fail

My plan is to wait till after my exams before replying. I will ask her straight, "do you want to get back together?". If the answer is anything other than "yes" I will continue to proceed with NC. If she agrees then I'll tell her we can meet for coffee on Sunday while I think this over, then have 4 days of absolute debauchery where I can freely fvck who I want. Win win.

and what if she goes ghost on you? You say this but this won't happen, you know why? Because 95% of us have done this already and comes the same outcome! she'll maybe try to work it out but she'll ultimately end it again. I can attest to this because I was in the same situation as you, said she missed me, talked to her again, she went cold and indifferent again. She did this several times to me in fact, but I got smart after the first time. She'll do It when:

1. The new guy didn't work out
2. The new guy is a **** but likes getting it
3. New guy broke it off with her
4. She's lonely
5. She feels guilty
6. She's bored

Love don't take breaks amigo, and it will be CLEAR she really misses you, not some games she's playing right now.

 

[Rave18]

Vent

Been a long time since my break up. "I spent so much time on a girl, who didn't care in the first place", is what I am thinking now. Am desperate for sex and I miss her a bit (but hunger and emotions can't be wiped out completely ).

Though I realize and have realized earlier too, that I didn't follow what is told on SS and so the consequences.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Ex liked one of my pics on Instagram yesterday and almost immediately unliked it. Deep down I must still be holding onto some erroneous view that she's not like those other little attention wh0res - I mean, SHE did the dumping after all, so she should be completely done with me by now right? Right?? We're approaching three months since going our own separate ways - she can't be that pathetic, can she? Or maybe I'm just projecting. I swear, after reading post after post on here, it's like we're faithfully following a script: girl dumps guy/ guy goes all out NC/ girl's ego cannot withstand the pressure of being completely shut out/ girl resorts to pitiful attempts to rattle guy. I still remember when she snidely rubbed it in my face that "they always come back" after I reached back out to her. Too bad I'll never be throwing that one back in her face by keeping it all to myself.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Ex liked one of my pics on Instagram yesterday and almost immediately unliked it. Deep down I must still be holding onto some erroneous view that she's not like those other little attention wh0res - I mean, SHE did the dumping after all, so she should be completely done with me by now right? Right?? We're approaching three months since going our own separate ways - she can't be that pathetic, can she? Or maybe I'm just projecting. I swear, after reading post after post on here, it's like we're faithfully following a script: girl dumps guy/ guy goes all out NC/ girl's ego cannot withstand the pressure of being completely shut out/ girl resorts to pitiful attempts to rattle guy. I still remember when she snidely rubbed it in my face that "they always come back" after I reached back out to her. Too bad I'll never be throwing that one back in her face by keeping it all to myself.

The reason highlighted in red is the only reason you need to extract this woman from your life entirely....

...firstly for your own good

...secondly to show her that no, 'they' don't always come back

...thirdly so she knows that she missed a trick because you are a far greater prize than whoever they are.

The arrogance of some people is just astoundingly tragic. Mainly for them. I feel for ya dude.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

The reason highlighted in red is the only reason you need to extract this woman from your life entirely....

...firstly for your own good

...secondly to show her that no, 'they' don't always come back

...thirdly so she knows that she missed a trick because you are a far greater prize than whoever they are.

The arrogance of some people is just astoundingly tragic. Mainly for them. I feel for ya dude.

It makes more sense why she pulled that stunt yesterday when I put that together with her very recently making her profile public - she wants to play up the 'ol "look at what you're missing out on" card. At this point, I miss her about as much as I miss food poisoning.