The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Thorninmyside]

Third day of NC here. She broke it off three weeks ago but we've still been in contact, she pokes me several times a day on facebook, smiles adoringly at me when we skype, but is with another dude. She can't have it both ways and it's confusing as hell. I can't be the listening guy while he gets to be the bonking guy. It's not fair on me. I know she was scared by the speed she fell for me, and the other dude is easy because he's not likely to make anything real out of it and that's comforting for her. She needs to grow and I need to not watch it happen.

Saturday night was tough because it used to be our date night and I know she was spending it with him. Was in the front of my mind even when out trying to get some new action.

 

[Backwardsman]

Third day of NC here. She broke it off three weeks ago but we've still been in contact, she pokes me several times a day on facebook, smiles adoringly at me when we skype, but is with another dude. She can't have it both ways and it's confusing as hell. I can't be the listening guy while he gets to be the bonking guy. It's not fair on me. I know she was scared by the speed she fell for me, and the other dude is easy because he's not likely to make anything real out of it and that's comforting for her. She needs to grow and I need to not watch it happen.

Saturday night was tough because it used to be our date night and I know she was spending it with him. Was in the front of my mind even when out trying to get some new action.

Its going to be tough, no denying that, you simply have to move on, and continue NC - NC will heal you quicker than anything else, if you text her and she doesnt respond then you will waiting in agony for a reply, same with a phone call if she doesnt answer, just dont do it then you have nothing to wait for.

This probs isnt your first relationship and it certainly wont be your last - Learn from it, where you went wrong, and the next one will be slightly easier, its all a learning curve- sometimes we have to go through the bad to see the good, so try and turn this into a positive experience, although hard to do, can be done.

any questions or you want any more advice, please dont hesitate to ask

 

[Thorninmyside]

Its going to be tough, no denying that, you simply have to move on, and continue NC - NC will heal you quicker than anything else, if you text her and she doesnt respond then you will waiting in agony for a reply, same with a phone call if she doesnt answer, just dont do it then you have nothing to wait for.

This probs isnt your first relationship and it certainly wont be your last - Learn from it, where you went wrong, and the next one will be slightly easier, its all a learning curve- sometimes we have to go through the bad to see the good, so try and turn this into a positive experience, although hard to do, can be done.

any questions or you want any more advice, please dont hesitate to ask

Thanks so much. Super kind and supportive of you.

 

[Backwardsman]

Thanks so much. Super kind and supportive of you.

Anytime buddy, thats what we are here for, stay strong and be the man, most important, move on with your life and dont look back, only forward....

Relationships are hard work these days, alot of people just dont put the effort into them any more and get too comfortable.

A relationship works 2 ways, you only get out what you put in, this should be the mindset for both people in the relationship. If both people give 100% to the relationship then it will work, if one starts to get too relaxed then this is where problems arise....

I have been in many relationships, and learned loads from each of them, mainly about myself and how i can be better for the next one.

The current one i am in now is the hardest one i have been in i think, hence why i am more active on here lol

 

[bateman72]

2 - keep busy, go out as much as you can, even if you dont feel like it - push yourself to do it!
QUOTE]

Chris and Brighty:

I want to elaborate on Backwardsman's comment here.

During the initial phase of no contact a lot of guys are doing no contact focused on the effect it is having on their ex.

No one here can say whether or not you are going to get back with your ex at this point but very likely you are thinking about that day when you might reconcile.

When people say "stay busy" I prefer to say stay "crazy busy". Think about the first 60 days as a race against the clock. How many positive life changes can you make in 60 days. Can you be a new man when she comes back into your life or alternately can you make yourself such an improved man that somehow you end up with someone better than you ex.

Wake up each morning with these thoughts in your head and try to wear yourself out a bit, push yourself.

I survived the early days of NC by really pushing myself.

Two really obvious changes I made in 60 days was I quit smoking and got abs (for the first time since college)

good luck and post on her frequently

 

[ChrisW]

Thanks for the advice. Definitely don't want her back. She turned to an ex for advise instead of me during a life conflict, on top of knowing her previous history of cheating I just want to forget about her. Should be easy given that, but it's not. Although all I'm thinking about now is the awesome sex. Maybe there was nothing real there to begin with. Alcohol is where I've always turned, but you are right, I need to preoccupy myself with positive things and change my life.

 

[bateman72]

Thanks for the advice. Definitely don't want her back. She turned to an ex for advise instead of me during a life conflict, on top of knowing her previous history of cheating I just want to forget about her. Should be easy given that, but it's not. Although all I'm thinking about now is the awesome sex. Maybe there was nothing real there to begin with. Alcohol is where I've always turned, but you are right, I need to preoccupy myself with positive things and change my life.

Dude I drank like a fvcking fish the first three weeks after my breakup. Eventually I got over that phase and concentrated more on staying a bit sober when trying to go out and meet girls. I think you will find moderating your alcohol consumption actually helps talking to girls. if you find it difficult to cut down while you are out show up at the spot LATER. If you show up late everyone is already pretty drunk and its easier to meet people and be the "clever" talker because everyone else is so drunk already.

My experience is that I couldn't really party my way over my ex, it wasn't until I started putting a little more emphasis in "changing my life" that I started to feel better.

 

[Brighty]

Day 08

Great advice Bateman/Backwardsman

Over the past few days I've dreamt about her every night, and yesterday morning I made a huge accomplishment and posted about it on my Facebook and felt like the king of the damn world. It got me psyched back up and feeling great. And I do not recommend doing this at all, but morbid curiosity got the better of me and I had a moment of weakness and checked her social media channels for the first time in 48 hours just to see (we're not friends/follow each other on Twitter, but I can still see her pages). Her most notable update was that on the night of the Oscars, she posted how she was at home (she lives with her parents now back in some podunk town) trying to "teach herself how to play chess" (mind you, she's 23 years old) :crackup: . Meanwhile I was at a hotel party watching it on the big screen. It felt good, and I know I shouldn't have done that and it was a risk, but that night I felt better about the whole thing than I have in a while.


That night I - of course - inevitably had a dream about her yet again, but this time it was primarily about how obnoxious and stressful she and her family are, and how she doesn't measure up to my expectations (i.e. the reasons I ended it) and instead of waking up feeling longing for her/longing for companionship I woke up and realized the feeling was diminished and I'm feeling pretty damn content right now.

I don't know what to really expect going forward, I'm sure I'll have up and down days about her again and I probably should never peek inside the proverbial pandora's box again (her social media) and just count this as a win, but I know I'll be curious like that.


So I've made it my first week, haven't heard anything from her and she hasn't from me, and my only sin is creeping on her social media occasionally (and it happened to pay off in spades, THIS time, I know I'm pushing my luck). That's something I'll have to work on for the future though, willpower wise.

Good luck to you Chris and hang in there, and to everyone else - thanks for the amazing support circle for this.

 

[Backwardsman]

Great advice Bateman/Backwardsman

Over the past few days I've dreamt about her every night, and yesterday morning I made a huge accomplishment and posted about it on my Facebook and felt like the king of the damn world. It got me psyched back up and feeling great. And I do not recommend doing this at all, but morbid curiosity got the better of me and I had a moment of weakness and checked her social media channels for the first time in 48 hours just to see (we're not friends/follow each other on Twitter, but I can still see her pages). Her most notable update was that on the night of the Oscars, she posted how she was at home (she lives with her parents now back in some podunk town) trying to "teach herself how to play chess" (mind you, she's 23 years old) :crackup: . Meanwhile I was at a hotel party watching it on the big screen. It felt good, and I know I shouldn't have done that and it was a risk, but that night I felt better about the whole thing than I have in a while.


That night I - of course - inevitably had a dream about her yet again, but this time it was primarily about how obnoxious and stressful she and her family are, and how she doesn't measure up to my expectations (i.e. the reasons I ended it) and instead of waking up feeling longing for her/longing for companionship I woke up and realized the feeling was diminished and I'm feeling pretty damn content right now.

I don't know what to really expect going forward, I'm sure I'll have up and down days about her again and I probably should never peek inside the proverbial pandora's box again (her social media) and just count this as a win, but I know I'll be curious like that.


So I've made it my first week, haven't heard anything from her and she hasn't from me, and my only sin is creeping on her social media occasionally (and it happened to pay off in spades, THIS time, I know I'm pushing my luck). That's something I'll have to work on for the future though, willpower wise.

Good luck to you Chris and hang in there, and to everyone else - thanks for the amazing support circle for this.

Glad to see you are doing ok mate i wouldnt venture onto her social media again though, you got lucky this time but next time you might see something you dont like and you will be back to square one..

Instead, if you ever wonder what she is doing, imagine her playing chess at home, everytime a negative thought pops in your head, just imagine this is what she is doing, the negative thoughts should then move on pretty quickly.

I used to do this with an ex, she would always go to sleep really early, like half 9 ish so i used to imagine she was asleep, she didnt really go out much either so just imagined her being at home watching tv... it works

 

[Thorninmyside]

I ****ed up. Initiated contact after I was genuinely worried about a situation she was in. She texted back in under a minute, says she's okay but thanked me for my support. NC starts again today.

Lesson learned: if she wanted me to be her hero she would have stayed with me.

 

[ChrisW]

You decreased your value by checking to see if she was alright. Now she knows you are still there for her. Not beating up on you and understand, I told mine to not contact me but gave a caveat that if her safety is at risk I will be there. Women blow **** out of proportion for attention. Day 5 going strong......or maybe it's the beer and lumiday.

 

[Thorninmyside]

Yeah, you're totally right bro. I'm letting her new guy clean up any messes and pick up any pieces from here on in, because I know that **** wears real thin on him even though I have all the patience in the world for it.

 

[Brighty]

Day 10

It's almost weird, these past few days her significance has been greatly diminished to me. I feel like I should be having a harder time than I am dealing with this now. I mean, we were so close, we lived together, told each other we loved each other, and planned on getting married down the road (like six years later) and having kids, so I expected the pain I initially felt in the first week of the breakup to be unbearable as time went on for some time.

I think reading some of these kind of images really helped me realize that this was for the best and that with any kind of long term relationship I would have to be constantly dealing with her psychotic mother and how easily she can manipulate and guilt trip my ex girlfriend (also making her bipolar), and plus with how irresponsible my ex is in general about the most random things, this only helps to reinforce my decision.

The more I go down this list (especially the Red Flags and Compromises sections) the more I realize that she matches up with more than a few of those and what that could lead to. I doubt I'd be able to get a pre-nup when push came to shove and I doubt that her mother (who seemed waaay too involved into the relationship) and her mood swings would go away any time soon. She already turned my ex against me, god forbid if she tried to turn my future kids against me in seven years.

Going forward and reading more of these first hand accounts also helped:

(There's also another infamous one where the guy gets a vascetomy and doesn't tell his girlfriend, girlfriend tells him he's pregnant, he says it isn't his, she gets furious and doesn't call him for days, he comes back over with flowers and jewelry and she's ecstatic before he reaches into his pocket with legal documents drawn up and proves her wrong right in her face that it isn't his that I can't seem to find right now)

Anyway, reading these were very helpful to me in opening my own eyes. There's no way I'd ever get a pre-nup or anything with that girl, and her own genetics (her father is a pack-a-day smoker, her mother is a diabetic, her grandfather had a stroke when he was 60, her extended family has had histories of troubles of concepting, no one in her family (including my ex) has any kind of health insurance or anything, they're poor and live in a podunk town, etc.) are so abysmal that even though she's hot right now - must have been a miracle coming out of that family - but I doubt that she'll age gracefully based on what her family and mother look like, and I especially doubt that she's an ideal partner to procreate with if I want a healthy and strong family.

So try reading those and thinking about your old relationship and it might just help give you some peace of mind.

So, 600th post, 10 days and going strong.

 

[Adz--]

Been 3 weeks but day 3 again

So she left me because i got a snapchat of some girls tities on my phone.. strange thing is i took her back when she did something similar (like the idiot i was). I'm resisting the urge to see her snapchat story.. i'v unfollowed her off twitter, she kept on saying "she loves life" and "there's so many guys in the club" and other random crap about me but whatever.
Yesterday she sent me two snapchats, i was thinking okay wtf? so i looked at them one was her friend who said " (Adz-- ex's name) is making me food :* :*"
The other was the ex with a fake smile saying "(Freinds name) house party"
I'm just thinking why are you sending me this ****? i don't care..
But she has got some of my money that i want back..

adz--

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

But she has got some of my money that i want back..

How much is it? Have you tried to get it back?

Good chance she'll hang on to it as long as she can, it's a tie between you two. And a reason to stay in touch, she knows this.

Same thing happens when they have your clothes. Best bet is to tell her mail it, drop it off on your doorstep, or keep it.... you don't want it. Give her those options. Then in your mind, basically say sayonara to your $hit, chalk it up as one of your losses when dealing with this woman, and another reason to keep her out of your life.

Also, no contact is no contact....i.e. no snap chats, even if she's sending them to you. Why you opening them? Erase that ****.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Since this is the place for sharing, I'd like to share my feelings today!

As of now, she dumped 7 months ago, and I'm 4 months NC!

During this time I made out with countless chicks, and when I say countless, it is way over 200 women!

I've banged 9 chicks from this lot. Had a micro relationship with the second, the 4th and 5th were both at the same time (read threesome) am still banging the 6th and 7th chick, and having a micro relationship with the 9th!

Besides all that, today things were not all bright and shiny for me! I've spent this week's holiday with girl #9 (we went travelling) and today I woke up feeling really down. Despite all my best efforts, none of these girls replace what I feel for my ex. And this sucks, because I know my ex is out there, living her life, not wasting a minute thinking about me.

And no, I'm not looking for a replacement chick. We all know this is a recipe for disaster. I just wanted to fell like that again. Loved. And loving. And I fell that this is something it will be hard for me to fell again, or even emulate, because is the same thing as playing a new game. You get the rush only once, and even if you play it again, that rush will never be the same.

I guess I'll have to find another game, and fell a different kind of rush. But once again, that is sad, because the game we are playing is quite the same, and the only thing we can chance is the players. And the player.

Anyway, I'll keep on my strugle. Striving to be a better man. I know she is not worth it, and I know this is just one bad day. The recovery is a hard process guys.

I don't want to discorage any of you guys. It is quite the opposite. I just want you to know that this is a hard feat. A very tough fight. But rest assured that we will rise stronger!

Today I cried a little bit. I haven't cried since November!
Just wanted to share with you that we are human! And we are allowed to fell!

NC will keep me strong!

Peace

 

[Adz--]

How much is it? Have you tried to get it back?

Good chance she'll hang on to it as long as she can, it's a tie between you two. And a reason to stay in touch, she knows this.

Same thing happens when they have your clothes. Best bet is to tell her mail it, drop it off on your doorstep, or keep it.... you don't want it. Give her those options. Then in your mind, basically say sayonara to your $hit, chalk it up as one of your losses when dealing with this woman, and another reason to keep her out of your life.

Also, no contact is no contact....i.e. no snap chats, even if she's sending them to you. Why you opening them? Erase that ****.

its £40 so $67. The last time we spoke about it was when she called me up because of a AFC/ Nice guy thing i did. Because i spoke to her friends and aunty. She said that they are my friends and that i should get my own and that i should leave her alone..
Yeah i'll block her on that too now.

 

[asid12345678]

Day 5 - I think I failed NC today .
Today would have been my 6 months with my girlfriend , we broke up last week . She was supposed to get a gift I had sent a long time ago . She got it and calls me in the middle of the night , I didn't take the calls . Bumped into her at dinner and she said she was having a "moment" . She texted me later about how "ironic" some of the things i said in the letter with the gift were because I said something like "The worst thing that can happen is sitting next to each other but feeling like your millions of miles away blah blah blah " , a situation that suits us right now . And she was like its so sad and stuff . And I said yeah it is quite sad that happened .And then she said something like "we had good times" . I haven't replied to that .

Should I just stop replying ?? A part of me wants to get back with her , shall I say something along those lines ? Help guys .

 

[fuko2007]

Ok, its been almost a week since weve talked. I returned her things and she was still cold so i lost it. Everything she has ever done that was messed up i called her on it. I called her on when a mans wife showed up at her house and told her to leave her husband alone. And several times when i know she fvcked other guys.

She turned it around to make herself look like the victim. i feel bad now though sort of. blocked her on face book, and am thinking of changeing my cell number. Been going out to much, prolly need to take the weekend off. But i hate to pass up on meeting new women. Sucks, and ive been dreaming about her ALOT.

 

[Backwardsman]

Day 5 - I think I failed NC today .
Today would have been my 6 months with my girlfriend , we broke up last week . She was supposed to get a gift I had sent a long time ago . She got it and calls me in the middle of the night , I didn't take the calls . Bumped into her at dinner and she said she was having a "moment" . She texted me later about how "ironic" some of the things i said in the letter with the gift were because I said something like "The worst thing that can happen is sitting next to each other but feeling like your millions of miles away blah blah blah " , a situation that suits us right now . And she was like its so sad and stuff . And I said yeah it is quite sad that happened .And then she said something like "we had good times" . I haven't replied to that .

Should I just stop replying ?? A part of me wants to get back with her , shall I say something along those lines ? Help guys .

DO NOT REPLY - leave it be and walk forward, not back - Everything happens for a reason, your breakup is no different, you was meant to break up, if you wasnt, you would still be together.

Most people have many relationships in there lives, i call relationships experiences because thats what they are - Learn from each of them and better yourself for the next one, its that simple