The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[orbion2013]

i am still very confused about the break up....

she kicked up some drama about a parking space, we argued, she left my house pizzed off...

that was the last straw for me.. so i changed my mobile number & i didn't bother to contact her again... just went ghost... she didn't contact me either.

then 6 days later she emails me, saying it is over..... she accused me of not giving her sex lol

treating her bad etc etc... all total bullsh@t i must add

this woman is clustar b, passive aggresive to the max... but so damn good looking, and hot in bed...

some days i feel good, as i am away from this nightmare relationship... then some days i miss her like crazy

 

[joker79]

Jariel, chemistry is a lie we've been told by Disney movies. You're failing with your current dates because you're expecting her to come back. I don't think this is a wise use of your mental energy. If you were focussed on them (your dates), you might end up feeling that "chemistry" again.

Each of us tends to see the past through pink coloured lenses, we put aside the bad things and remember only how good it was to be together in a kind of nostalgic window on the past. Don't do that! I personally have notes of every time she acted like a ***** with me and how I felt. I deleted her number, fb, whatsapp to not give in to the temptation to contact her. Because I know that it would be a disaster!

The only woman who loves you unconditionally is your mother, all other women should at least add something to your life, not drain your mental energy. When Rollo speaks of ONEitis as a mental disorder, he's right. It lowers your defences and becomes a parasite. Don't allow this, be focussed on yourself, on other chicks, on the gym, work, whatever. When it happens to me (not really often) I go running, whatever the temperature is, and my minds start to remind me how unfairly she treated me.

If you two broke up there's a reason and I like the idea of a broken mirror: it won't never be the same even if you put all the sharp pieces together (that means if she comes back). So why are you expecting her?

 

[narcissist]

YO EVERYONE READ THIS

I've been reading all your posts, and realize that you guys are perpetuating your love for these women and need to man the fvck up and get over them.


I have a exercise for you guys that i want you all to participate in.

literally list EVERYTHING you hate about your ex and EVERYTHING you hated into the relationship.

then list EVERYTHING that you love about being single and EVERYTHING your happy about in your life RIGHT NOW.

you guys need to start looking on the bright side of things, and start being optimistic.

THE FVCKIN RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. start moving the fvck on.. life is too short.

if you guys are serious about moving on do my exercise to prove it

if you dont ur telling me that you dont want to move on and are happy being depressed fvcks who NEED this b!tch in your life to make you happy.

grab your balls
grab your ****
and grab your fvckin life... move on.

 

[orbion2013]

i did a list of positives and negatives about my ex few days ago!!!


3 positives... good looks, good sex, things in common

15 NEGATIVES... TOO MANY TO LIST LOL

 

[orbion2013]

if she left you, over some sh@tty reason... ****ked some other dude, then months later wanted you back.... would you take her back?

 

[narcissist]

i did a list of positives and negatives about my ex few days ago!!!


3 positives... good looks, good sex, things in common

15 NEGATIVES... TOO MANY TO LIST LOL

why would you do positives?

and i want you to list the negatives plus find 5 more negatives. and negatives in the relationship

plus you need to list positives in YOUR life, and WHY your better without her.

the point is to realize you dont need her.

 

[narcissist]

if she left you, over some sh@tty reason... ****ked some other dude, then months later wanted you back.... would you take her back?

fvck no. never take back a cheater.

 

[Jariel]

Jariel, chemistry is a lie we've been told by Disney movies. You're failing with your current dates because you're expecting her to come back. I don't think this is a wise use of your mental energy. If you were focussed on them (your dates), you might end up feeling that "chemistry" again.

I suppose "chemistry" is not the right word to use. It was more to do with how similar we were and how much we enjoyed being together. We could sit in a hospital waiting room and create a special and memorable moment out of it or could just sit looking into each other's eyes for ages without saying a word.

I am definitely romanticizing things, but that's pretty much how it was right until the final month. That's what's been so hard to come to terms with.

But you're right about my focus. Things didn't start that way with my ex. It was pretty much all about sex in the beginning and I know that's something I can definitely find with someone else if I give it chance.

I've not felt like this for some time, but maybe I'm just going through a bit of a lapse or something. Maybe the Christmas and New Year period has hit me. The thing is, my date last night went really well and she's contacted me today to say what a great time she had and would really like to see me again. I just need to embrace what I have going for me instead of what I've lost.

I personally have notes of every time she acted like a ***** with me and how I felt. I deleted her number, fb, whatsapp to not give in to the temptation to contact her. Because I know that it would be a disaster!

I've done that too. I wrote a big list of reasons I'm better off without her, times I was unhappy and had my doubts, but the sad thing is when I look at that list now, I realise how much I really needed to nitpick. It's not like many of the guys here who were mistreated or walked over. The change for the worst was more to do with circumstances.

But there's definitely no temptation to contact her on my part either. I deleted all her details long ago, she blocked me on FB so even if I had a moment of madness, I couldn't contact her anyway. A wise choice which I recommend to everyone!

Don't allow this, be focussed on yourself, on other chicks, on the gym, work, whatever. When it happens to me (not really often) I go running, whatever the temperature is, and my minds start to remind me how unfairly she treated me.

If you broke up there's a reason and I like the idea of a broken mirror: it won't never be the same even if you put together all the sharp pieces (that means if she comes back). So why are you expecting her?

Thanks for the common sense mate. I know this is just a temporary lapse. I've been doing so well of late and doing all the right things. I've found my fire in the gym, I'm looking and feeling amazing and have some genuinely decent plates and offers of sex.

During our last contact a couple of months ago I did ask her if she'd be willing to try again. She said she still loved me, but took a few days to think about her decision, but she came to the same conclusion you've pointed out: we broke up for a reason. We broke up twice, in fact, and she believed it was only a matter of time before it happened again. She was speaking sense and I know this is right.

I'm sure I'll be thinking differently next week. I've had a lot of sleepless nights lately and my head is a bit chaotic and unfocused at the moment.

 

[orbion2013]

okay here goes guys.... tell me what you think???


POSITIVES

01. very attractive for her age
02. great sex
03. have things in common, music, movies, interests

NEGATIVES...

she is 46 years old with 4 kids... two are still living with her, two moved out (baggage)

i am 36 years old with no kids of my own

she cannot give me any kids at her age... so i can't start a family with her

because we broke up so many times, having kids with her would be too damn risky... she got me by the nuts for the next 16 years

she always used to tell me, her kids and her family would always come before me..

heck even her friends came before me.

most of her friends are single mothers. drug users or drinkers.. sluts.. low value woman & a bad influence

she has 4 different guys names, stamped on her body, including mine

she lies alot

she is not dependable

i don't trust her

she never admits wrong doing

always plays the victim

uses silent treatments

uses sex as a form of control (witholding sex)

creates drama out of stupid silly things

insecure

cannot offer a secure healthy realationship

she is flakey... sometimes hot sometimes cold

does not keep her word


I COULD GO ON... THIS IS NOT A EXXAGERATION... THIS IS WHAT I HAVE GENUINLY LEARNED ABOUT HER OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS

i know... i should have ran ages ago!

 

[joker79]

@orbion: I stopped at the first negative: this is enough to run away and never look back!

 

[Jariel]

I have a exercise for you guys that i want you all to participate in.

literally list EVERYTHING you hate about your ex and EVERYTHING you hated into the relationship.

then list EVERYTHING that you love about being single and EVERYTHING your happy about in your life RIGHT NOW.

you guys need to start looking on the bright side of things, and start being optimistic.

THE FVCKIN RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. start moving the fvck on.. life is too short.

if you guys are serious about moving on do my exercise to prove it

if you dont ur telling me that you dont want to move on and are happy being depressed fvcks who NEED this b!tch in your life to make you happy.

grab your balls
grab your ****
and grab your fvckin life... move on.

All great advice. I did this very early into the break up. Unfortunately, there wasn't much I hated about her or the relationship, but it did help to list some of the annoyances and how I was starting to hate who I was becoming in the relationship, how weak, needy and pathetic I had become. This really helped me focus on rebuilding myself and gave me something to aim for.

There have been some times since the break up where I've felt genuinely happy to be free and single. One night I had women throwing themselves at me and I made out with a hot blonde 23 year old. I also had some great dates too and passionate moments where I thought how great it feels to be moving on.

But above all, the greatest positive about being out of the relationship is getting back to the man I used to be before I got needy and dependent. I had worked so hard for many years to overcome insecurities, develop confidence, become bold and sexual, and I achieved it all. I became the man I always wanted to be. My ex couldn't get enough of me and fell for me so quickly...and with good reason. But as time went by and I became more accomodating and complacent, I became an inferior man. I look back now and I can't blame my ex for wanting to get rid of me.

The greatest thing about break ups is that they force you to look at yourself and inspire you to new heights. That's been my ultimate driving force and my source of happiness the past months.

 

[orbion2013]

All great advice. I did this very early into the break up. Unfortunately, there wasn't much I hated about her or the relationship, but it did help to list some of the annoyances and how I was starting to hate who I was becoming in the relationship, how weak, needy and pathetic I had become. This really helped me focus on rebuilding myself and gave me something to aim for.

There have been some times since the break up where I've felt genuinely happy to be free and single. One night I had women throwing themselves at me and I made out with a hot blonde 23 year old. I also had some great dates too and passionate moments where I thought how great it feels to be moving on.

But above all, the greatest positive about being out of the relationship is getting back to the man I used to be before I got needy and dependent. I had worked so hard for many years to overcome insecurities, develop confidence, become bold and sexual, and I achieved it all. I became the man I always wanted to be. My ex couldn't get enough of me and fell for me so quickly...and with good reason. But as time went by and I became more accomodating and complacent, I became an inferior man. I look back now and I can't blame my ex for wanting to get rid of me.

The greatest thing about break ups is that they force you to look at yourself and inspire you to new heights. That's been my ultimate driving force and my source of happiness the past months.

i.m not sure if i was needy or clingy with my ex... i never spent all day texting her, or ringing her...

i only saw her on the weekend & sometimes a day or two during the week.

but i do know she broke down my confidence over time & made me a weaker person!!!

 

[Jariel]

okay here goes guys.... tell me what you think???


POSITIVES

01. very attractive for her age
02. great sex
03. have things in common, music, movies, interests

01. There are LOADS of attractive women out there. Most of which don't need the disclaimer "...for her age" added to the end. At 36, you can be getting with much hotter girls in their 20s!

02. Great sex really isn't hard to find once you get back in the field.

03. This is always a positive in a relationship, BUT those things in common have to stretch beyond superficial interests. It's not enough to enjoy the same movies and music, you need to share core values, future outlook and what a relationship should entail. This is something you lack with your ex. You and her want very different things and have totally different views on what your relationship should be.

These aren't exclusive positives. If you shared years of happiness with her it would be different, but it's clear that she is just filling your life with misery. There are no incentives to be with her, especially when you can find all of her positives traits with virtually no effort at all.

As for the negatives, they are just way too obvious to comment on. She's treating you like her b!tch and making your life a misery.

But what you need to do is what I suggested in my last post. Take a good look at yourself and list the negatives she brings out in you. Look at the man you want to be, who you can be, and then look at what you've become while you've been with her.

Put the focus back on you and rebuilding yourself. I understand first hand it's not easy to let go of someone, so if it helps, put it all on hold until you've rebuilt yourself as a man. Look to the future, a new confident, strong willed and more attractive version of yourself and work on becoming that man before you even think about being with your ex again.

 

[orbion2013]

01. There are LOADS of attractive women out there. Most of which don't need the disclaimer "...for her age" added to the end. At 36, you can be getting with much hotter girls in their 20s!

02. Great sex really isn't hard to find once you get back in the field.

03. This is always a positive in a relationship, BUT those things in common have to stretch beyond superficial interests. It's not enough to enjoy the same movies and music, you need to share core values, future outlook and what a relationship should entail. This is something you lack with your ex. You and her want very different things and have totally different views on what your relationship should be.

These aren't exclusive positives. If you shared years of happiness with her it would be different, but it's clear that she is just filling your life with misery. There are no incentives to be with her, especially when you can find all of her positives traits with virtually no effort at all.

As for the negatives, they are just way too obvious to comment on. She's treating you like her b!tch and making your life a misery.

But what you need to do is what I suggested in my last post. Take a good look at yourself and list the negatives she brings out in you. Look at the man you want to be, who you can be, and then look at what you've become while you've been with her.

Put the focus back on you and rebuilding yourself. I understand first hand it's not easy to let go of someone, so if it helps, put it all on hold until you've rebuilt yourself as a man. Look to the future, a new confident, strong willed and more attractive version of yourself and work on becoming that man before you even think about being with your ex again.

you summed it up for me perfectly... i need to get back to who i used to be... i was a strong confident guy, till i met this ex of mine!

aslo getting back with her in not an option... she has nothing to offer me!


here is where i went wrong... SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SEX AND SEX ONLY... NOTHING MORE

the red flags was all there from day one... the first 8 months of the relationship where good

i was spinning plates, gave her little love affection & we got on fine...

things got sh@tty when she knew i loved her

 

[jackson37]

Hey guys something I've been doing that I've found to be therapeutic (besides of course the great advice everyone else has listed) is first:

Meditation. I can't stress it enough. We're bothered by our break-ups internally and you can fix this internal disorder by learning mindfulness through meditation, allowing you to control your thoughts. It teaches you to simply see thoughts as thoughts of simply "secretions of the thinking mind" as one meditation states. You no longer attach emotional content to them. In addition it teaches you to realize when one bad thought leads you to another, then another, then another, and soon you're in a slump feeling down because of the thoughts. You learn to recognize this and snap back into the mindset of seeing thoughts as thoughts. Please at least give it a try.

And second: Not thinking about her. Seriously. Whenever a thought of her pops up (is she happy? with some other dude? whats she doing right now? fvcking some guy? does she even care at all? etc) tell yourself STOP or NO and distract yourself by doing whatever it is you're currently doing. Its hard at first because the more you try to repress that thought the more its going to want to be unleashed but simply keep recognizing it as a thought and then let it go. Move on. Eventually it will disappear if you try hard enough to.

Good luck to all. I'm feeling much better and to be honest I forgot what day of no contact I was at for a while (thinking back and calculating though its day 10). I hope this good feeling lasts a while for me and I dont get sucked back in

 

[jackson37]

I'm going back to college soon and I know I'll probably have to see her at certain times (at the couple bars that everyone goes to, maybe a couple parties, walking by each other in same building, etc) so wondering on any advice on how to approach these situation?

 

[cgr68311]

so my wife showed me an email that my ex (gf) and her exchanged yesterday and today.

my wife’s email from yesterday:

thank you for taking my son to the healing prayer, he is doing better. I apologize sincerely for my emails and calls as I pressured him (me) to get that info (details about my relationship with her) because I was furious. He is an excellent man despite being naughty and perverted. take care bye.

My ex-gf’s response from today:

Glory to God that your son is doing better, you and your family are in my prayers. don’t worry, he (me) is no longer in our lives.


******************************
I'm not sure about this guys, but wouldn't my ex-gf be also the naughty and perverted one, and not just me? her reply sounds almost as if I was the evil doer and she was a fkn saint!!!!

 

[narcissist]

******************************
I'm not sure about this guys, but wouldn't my ex-gf be also the naughty and perverted one, and not just me? her reply sounds almost as if I was the evil doer and she was a fkn saint!!!!

Hey man!

Yeah I can see how that doesn't make any sense logically. But honestly that should not worry you too much. Let you anger towards the situation dissipate. It's not worth it my friend to get all riled up about such petty things. If your relationship is over with these women move on and find solace in yourself, for life is too short to get upset.

I have a feeling you want to confront her about this. Well, let me tell you, it will do absolutely no good but make things worse and strengthen her beliefs about your personality. Sometimes it's best to answer problems that have become too difficult to mend together in silence. Let these things not affect you, just take it as it is and smile haha for it wont really matter in 100 years time.

Meditate, spin plates, better yourself, and most importantly find happiness.

Peace.

 

[narcissist]

I'm going back to college soon and I know I'll probably have to see her at certain times (at the couple bars that everyone goes to, maybe a couple parties, walking by each other in same building, etc) so wondering on any advice on how to approach these situation?

The way that I would personally approach the situation is when you see her be polite and smile but be indifferent. If she initiates conversation, keep it short, and simple, and do not delve into any personal matters, for she has lost that privilege. Also, When you do spin plates, which i hope you will be doing, do not worry about her seeing this. As hard as this may be, just realize that she is no longer your gf and you have moved on, so if she gets upset at you spinning plates its really none of her business. If she confronts you about this smile, don't argue and tell her that it is no longer her businesss and not to worry about it. Also i would never really initiate contact myself, if you see her at the bars or parties just opt for ignorance that she is even there, do not go up to her or look at her. The ONLY time you should talk to her is if she literally comes up to you in person and says something which to your response should be smile and say minimal words.

Also do not let her affect your happiness and fun at parties and bars, in fact if you think that she WILL affect your happiness and parties just by being there i would avoid it all together until you are okay with yourself and you have bettered yourself to a point where you no longer need her for ego reassurance, at which point she could not affect you. But yeah. If you MUST go to these parties and bars, personally i would not drink AT ALL because that only spells DISASTER.

Well this is my advice to you:

Become the best you that you can become

work out, spin plates, read, meditate and find happiness within yourself.

Do not grow anger and resentment within you it only leads to a fvcked up existence.


Hope this helps.

much love.

 

[drakeramore]

I accept we both played our part in the break up, both handled things badly and she's not the villain I built her up to be. It feels good to let go of that negativity, but it has left me feeling this emptiness. I've had some high moments since being single, met some hot and fun ladies, but when I think about the amazing connection my ex and I shared, how we were right on so many levels, how in love we were, how much we laughed and how intense and passionate the sex was, I struggle to understand how we can just let go and move on.

I'm still expecting her to contact me and tell me it was all a mistake, that she's reaching this same stage as me and has realised how crazy she was to throw it all away.

I am in the same position, Jariel.

The relationship with my ex started as a long-distance one.

I had known her for quite a long time before but we were merely acquaintances. Suddenly I was amazed at how alike we were and was convinced that we were soulmates. I did not fall in love with her because of her looks.

Being inexperienced I did not want to commit, I thought I would cheat on her if someone prettier came along.

Still, I now realise just how eeriely close and special our connection was. I sabotaged the relationship numerous times as I was scared of how much I like this girl and was afraid that I would marry her very very soon.

She was way more experienced than me and wanted it really much, she was nearing 30 and wanted to settle down - she has been wanting to settle down for a decade now, she is not the promiscuous type of girl. Me, being fairly new to the dating/love scene, I was afraid and wanted to keep my options open for fear that I would make a mistake and enter her frame and would make my life what she wanted to be - ie a couple that was soon to be married.

She wanted to possess me and to have me only for herself, I was not ready to give up on my freedom and needed my space. She moved on. I have not. I guess I was fooling myself when I thought that I do not love her all that much and this is just a fling or smth.

We completed each other's sentences, were operating at the same wavelength. Only our outlook on the immediate future was different.

That is why I wanted to let her go and not get in her way of being happy.

Now that I have and she is (or claims to be with the new guy), I regret it. Still, in the long run, it maybe was the right decision to make. Only time will tell. I think she wants to keep me as an option though.

I need to find a new girl(s) in my life, otherwise I will drag her and my memories with her on with me for a while I am afraid.

I am still very emotionally vulnerable and, at times, overwhelmed by emotions - love, hate, regret, etc.

Still, I am doing better than in the beginning. Now I know that I can survive and am strong enough to deal with this. That does not always help soothe me though, I still have my low moments of despair. Time should help me with those.