The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[cgr68311]

hey how are all my butthurt buddies??? lol jk. Still NC. Just keep thinking of all the disrespect from this hoe despite all the 'love' I have for her. I met up with a buddy during lunch who is also married (like me) and left a side LTR not so long ago. He said that this shiit is not really love and more what's left of a 'HIGH' from the relationship (time spent together, etc.) He said for us married folks, it sucks even more, because after spending so much time with a nice hottie, having a 'life' (dating, hanging out) we go back to our sad married routine....

anyways, just checking in, so far on NC + 14 days. Have a date tomorrow hehe, because I am so into my ex (emotionally speaking), it's been working wonders on being laid back with other girls:

Her: Im ready to take this to the next level 5:45 PM
Me: bra off? lol 8:22 PM
Juanita: Lol i meant sex 8:23 PM
Me: lol I know...let's plan something romantic for tomorrow then

 

[cgr68311]

Tough day today. Last night I started the challenge after messaging her again with just random stupid stuff. I have gone all day today without contacting her, but that doesnt mean I'm not checking for an email from her, or looking at her twitter. I hate doing it. I've been through this before and know how to move on. Its just a lot harder cause I don't have as many friends up here or options since I just moved and its not as easy to meet women as when I was in college. Best thing I've been doing is going to the gym, excelling at work. But i haven't been sleeping well. its wearing me out.

go out and meet chicks man, even if you are dragging your feet!!!!

 

[cgr68311]

Wavering on no contact today and thinking about IM'ing her on Facebook. Reasoning is that she was the last one to text me on new years and I never answered. She leaves for school tomorrow and I badly want to see her before she goes. I'm 9 days in. Ughhhh.

Not gonna do it though.

what other purpose she had to text you?

 

[cgr68311]

Good way to do it, and spin plates, helps take your mind off her, gets you confidence, if you do not get discouraged by being turned down, it will happen.

Most important thing for me is to remember how I am now and who I want to be and stay this awesome and not fall back into an AFC when I do get together with a girl.

Yeah I think Jariel's comments are awesome. By the way guys, I did sign up (on a moment of weakness lol) to textyourexback.com... there's a lot of pain and hopefuls on that site... and you guys will be surprised: at least half of the members are women hahaha!!!... some of the concepts behind the program, such as a 30 day NC make sense, the owner hands out worksheets to find out why (if at all) you want your ex back, you are forced to go out on dates and the lesson modules are revelaled (unlocked) at certain day intervals. Overall good program to kill some time. In my case, I hardly doubt I'll be doing any contact after the 30 days, I mean, the reason why I had dumped my ex (20 days before she dumped me) was because I knew her threshold for becoming irritated on little shiit had reached new lows aside the fact that I caught her flirt texting an old 55 yr old dude. so her lack of love, patience and respect gives me enough fuel to forget about this cvnt and let her wonder the rest of her life. peace

btw, here below is the core ATB (across the bow) text to reengage your ex:

********************************
Quote from Text your Ex Back:

Text message cannot be plain, boring (hi how are you) as what they refer to as a 'nothing” text. What do you want to accomplish?

Remember, each text you send is meant to fill her with anticipation, joy, and great feelings!


“I just saw the tiniest dog I’ve EVER seen my whole life! Seriously, it would fit in the palm of YOUR hands! I just know that if you were here right now, you’d go all ‘naaawww’ like you always do when you see something cute! ;O) "

Do you see the difference? A nothing message here lacks energy, emotion and truth!

The trick is to send messages that they’re likely to respond to, but doesn’t DEMAND them replying. :O)
**********************************

 

[benogan]

Eh i ****ed up. Guess I gotta start over. I messaged her and said call me. that was all. regretted it instantly.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Seriously cgr68311

I'm yet to understand what the duck is wrong with you man...

I mean seriously, I'm not the kind of guy who goes out venting on the web because there is really no point in doing so...

But your sh*t is wrong in so many levels man! For real! You've got to snap out of this reality of yours!

You are a married dude for f*ck sake. And apparently your wife know about your affairs and is OK with it? Now you got dumped and you are spinning plates??? WTF!!!

And to get things worse, you are into this text your ex back stuff. That thing is for chicks and wussies!
I really hope 3 months for now you read the kind of message 'ATB' you've sent her and think to yourself

'Yeah, that sh*t was gay!!'

And while this don't happen, start getting yourself and your life together.

Whether stick to your wife or dump her. Don't be a prick!
Than when sh*t happens on your side you are running like a little spoiled brat, buying ex back solutions online and asking your minister for couple advice with your mistress...

Which by the way got me thinking. What the f*luck is this f*cked up church you attend to!

I don't know if the other guys in this forum endorse your behaviour, but I tell you this with all my heart...

You better change, or you will continue to get f*cked up in your life, never to understand what being a man truly means!

I say this with all my best intentions! But you are WRONG man!

Peace

 

[cgr68311]

Seriously cgr68311

I'm yet to understand what the duck is wrong with you man...

I mean seriously, I'm not the kind of guy who goes out venting on the web because there is really no point in doing so...

But your sh*t is wrong in so many levels man! For real! You've got to snap out of this reality of yours!

You are a married dude for f*ck sake. And apparently your wife know about your affairs and is OK with it? Now you got dumped and you are spinning plates??? WTF!!!

And to get things worse, you are into this text your ex back stuff. That thing is for chicks and wussies!
I really hope 3 months for now you read the kind of message 'ATB' you've sent her and think to yourself

'Yeah, that sh*t was gay!!'

And while this don't happen, start getting yourself and your life together.

Whether stick to your wife or dump her. Don't be a prick!
Than when sh*t happens on your side you are running like a little spoiled brat, buying ex back solutions online and asking your minister for couple advice with your mistress...

Which by the way got me thinking. What the f*luck is this f*cked up church you attend to!

I don't know if the other guys in this forum endorse your behaviour, but I tell you this with all my heart...

You better change, or you will continue to get f*cked up in your life, never to understand what being a man truly means!

I say this with all my best intentions! But you are WRONG man!

Peace

no worries. no offense taken. that ATB quote I did not send; it gets distributed on the site as an example... thought I'd share!

 

[joker79]

DO NOT send that ****ing insane ****ty useless txt! would james bond do that? Man, get your **** together and act like a man!

 

[MtnMan]

damn, my ex finds tons of excuses to get ahold of me. Calling me from the DMV to ask how many cylinders her car has etc. She is finally making plans to move her horses out of my house. They will help significantly.
She follows up with a text that says "sorry to keep bothering you"
WTF.

 

[joker79]

Don't take her calls and respond her txts

 

[Jariel]

Perspective of a Female Dumper

Hey guys, I had a date tonight. All went great and had a passionate make out session in the rain (no sex yet), but during the night we briefly touched upon the topic of our last relationships. This is usually a topic you want to avoid talking about for any length of time, but she was sharing some really valuable stuff I wanted to hear more of and share on this thread.

She was with her ex 12 years and they lived together, but in the last years she started to see him getting too needy, too eager to get married and a little posessive. Very gradually, she found herself wanting more and more space. She wanted to spend more time at work or with friends just to get away from him. He was too eager to please and even proposed, hoping it would strengthen what they had.

I asked her, "Did you ever tell him you wanted more space?"

Her reply: "No, because at the time I didn't realise that's what I wanted. I just felt myself becoming less attracted to him and I didn't know why".

This was interesting to me. The poor guy had no idea why she was pulling away from him and she hadn't got the logic to work out why either. And the more she pulled away, the more he chased and suffocated her.

Well, she told me that rather than breaking up with him, she requested some time apart to figure out how she felt. She had a history with him and didn't want to throw it away without being sure. However, when they separated, he kept contacting her. He sent her flowers, kept trying to get answers out of her, and basically, that killed any last hint of attraction she had for him.

She said even though she understood and felt like she was being really cruel to him, she found his behaviour pathetic and the harder he tried, the less attracted to him she felt. She broke up with him officially and he begged for months, kept trying to prove himself to her, kept contacting her and in the end she grew to resent him. Not because he had done anything wrong, but because he had changed so much and she had lost all respect for him.

The weird thing is, here was this hot woman I was on a date with and she was really into me, yet I was so fascinated by this story I just wanted to know more. I even found myself defending her ex saying "it's just a phase a lot of guys go through after a break up. It's not really who they are, it's just like a temporary madness."

Anyway, I found it very insightful and even though I didn't do the flowers, begging or texting my ex after our break up, I could relate to the part where she said he was trying to prove himself. This is exactly what I did when my ex and I reconciled after our first break up. I tried so hard to show her what a good partner I could be, how responsible I am and she had been asking for more time with me and I gave her that too. I had no idea at the time that this could be causing her attraction to fall.

It also explains why my ex sent me a text 2 months into no contact confessing her love for me, how she'd give anything to be with me again, then in the coming weeks how she agreed we should have sex again and then admitted that she still had times where she craved being with me...and then as soon as I sent her a long letter of apology and explanation, she ignored me altogether and started seeing someone else.

Perhaps it's worth looking back at your relationship to see if you recognise any of these patterns. And, of course, it's yet another example of why you should go no contact after a break up and how the harder you try the further it pushes them away.

 

[joker79]

Thanks Jariel. really helpful. The difficult part in my experience is to identify the moment in which the woman starts to feel unsure of her feelings/attraction for you. She will never tell you because she fears to lose you and throw away the relationship and/or lose the provider. She will start looking for another dude immediately when this happens though. 100% sure thing, without overt signals to you. Only when the pain she'd feel breaking up with you is balanced by the happiness of securing a new guy, only then she will drop you like a rock, mercilessly. It's not going to happen before because the discomfort of being alone without a reasonably safe prospect doesn't attract her.
Therefore, it doesn't matter what you think, it doesn't matter what you do to prove yourself, her behaviour will be driven by her instinct and feelings only. I've experienced this many and many times.

I remember a girl I was dating, at the beginning everything was good, then mixed signals and I became clingy not knowing what was happening (I found after that there was an ex in the background, more alpha than me, but I was completely blind because she wasn't telling me anything). I remember that towards the end of our "relationship" she was even doubtful about spending a weekend with me. To remove her doubts I asked her "Do you want to make myself happy?" . I was expecting a "yes, let's spend the weekend together, I enjoy spending my time with you". And her answer was "I want to be happy too", meaning that she wouldn't spend that weekend with me. For as irrelevant as my request could look like - it's only a weekend after all -, it was a ruthless, merciless answer, no chance for me. And I did a lot for her, I supported her, I helped her, I invested in her so I expected the same from her. Note that she didn't say "no, I don't", her emotions were driving her and those were the only thing that mattered. Only at that time I understood that the game was over, actually it was over even before such episode... but I didn't recognise it. Later, when I analysed what happened, I found out that I ignored a massive amount of red flags. But again it was really difficult to spot her behaviour at the beginning.

I learnt the lesson the hard way. When you back off or completely go NC it seems that your throwing the baby with the bath water but it's not like that. Your gut feeling is the most powerful weapon you have, check it, and if it is telling you "dude, be careful", when you feel a strong dissonance between what she does and what she should do, that's the moment to protect yourself and leave her to her fate. If she's interested, she will come back and you will decide if you want to take her back. Generally it's not worth it because, at that time, you will be dating better options that bring less drama in your life.

I read few minutes ago another enlightening post by Rollo that says, even if applied to a different context:

They (men) are convinced and conditioned to believe that women are playing by a set of rules and will honour the terms of those rules. (in these case it means that she will act rationally and reciprocate) only to find that after ego-investing themselves for a lifetime in the correctness and appropriateness of those rules does he discover in cruel and harsh terms that women are playing by another set of rules and wonder at how stupid he could be to have ever believed in the rules he was conditioned to expect everyone would abide by.

that is where all your insecurities and discomfort come from (and, Rollo, feel free to challenge my adaptation to the case)

 

[bateman72]

Rollo is awesome. Women are playing by a different set of rules. Something I wish I knew twenty years ago !!!

 

[drakeramore]

Hey Joker,

In your last post you more or less describe the situation I find myself in. There were numerous signs she gave me that she was moving on but I did not pay attention/lived in denial.

I am curious though, did you end up being friends with the girl(s) that dumped you like this and branch-swang to a new guy? Or did you totally isolate them from your future life?

 

[joker79]

She asked me to be friends and I rejected the offer, I remember like it was yesterday. I said "no thanks, this is not working for me" and I didn't look back. She tried a couple of times to break my decision sending txts and emails with "how are you" or asking for personal favours. I didn't' reply and went NC. It was really hard but I took it as a test of my strength and will power.

What is funny is that I bumped into her a couple of times and I was completely relaxed. This annoyed her a lot as the validation coming from me was lost ("why isn't he begging me? why isn't he asking me out?"). Had I agreed on being friends, I wouldn't be now in the position of her being probably doubtful of having lost a alpha. Even if she's dating other guys - and I don't care about it, I don't know what she's doing - she will probably always feel that sense of "missed opportunity". And should it not even be the case, sincerely I don't care. In a relationship, you give 100% and you expect 100%. It wasn't my situation.. and therefore I said "**** that ****, I'm done with this"

You can think of it in this way: if you buy shares that are not paying the dividend you expect and the strategy of the company you're investing in is completely unclear, what would you do? Well, I cut my losses and bought better dividend-paying shares

 

[drakeramore]

I too cannot imagine myself being a friend with my ex girl.

Although I did a lot of stuff wrong (ironically some of the "wrong" stuff I did kept her around and coming back for more) but was unwilling to commit and she moved on. I suspect she may still have some residual feelings for me but we cannot be friends - this will prolong the pain and make me miserable and will keep her and our past in my thoughts constantly.

What needs to be done is to cut her off completely - out of sight, out of mind/heart. And then one day I will be able to simply not care about her anymore and who knows, one day we could still be friends but for that to happen I need to be completely over her.

Funny how she still wants us to be friends, I thought she was of more noble nature, lets say and will leave me in peace after she saw how hurt I was and how hard it was for me to let her go.

Even she said smth along the lines of "I guess I cannot have it all" the last time we communicated a week ago. (when I broke the NC) - yes, she cannot. She chose and it was not me so it would be disrespectful to myself to still keep myself available to her when she wishes from time to time to just cheer her up and be her emotional tampon/feed her ego/validate her and her decision/wait to see if she becomes single again so that I could get in the picture once more.

Just as I felt her leaving me and it hit me just how much I miss her/love her, that is how I want her to feel me leaving her life forever. I dont know if she will ever have any regrets for doing that but it really does not matter either in the long run.

 

[joker79]

remember: being friends means giving endless attention - which is what women crave the most - and not getting sex in exchange - which is what men crave the most. This is an unfair agreement.

 

[Jariel]

I don't know what has come over me lately, but I'll be honest. I'm finding myself missing my ex like crazy!

It's been 4 and half months since we broke up. The last contact we had was 2 months ago and after that I just started moving on. I've had a number of good dates, high interest, I'm spinning 7 plates (with more on hold) and my game is on top form. I'm also in the best shape I've been in for ages and getting a lot of female attention. For the most part, I've been feeling really amazing and feel so glad to be getting back to my old self again.

But what I've been finding during this time is that my resentment, the anger and hurt caused by the break up has subsided. I accept we both played our part in the break up, both handled things badly and she's not the villain I built her up to be. It feels good to let go of that negativity, but it has left me feeling this emptiness. I've had some high moments since being single, met some hot and fun ladies, but when I think about the amazing connection my ex and I shared, how we were right on so many levels, how in love we were, how much we laughed and how intense and passionate the sex was, I struggle to understand how we can just let go and move on.

I'm still expecting her to contact me and tell me it was all a mistake, that she's reaching this same stage as me and has realised how crazy she was to throw it all away.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed and my confidence isn't in the gutters over this, but I do still miss her and what we had and with each woman I meet and date, the more I crave my ex back. Not that these are low quality women, at all. But I just don't feel that same chemistry with any of them.

 

[orbion2013]

today has been a very hard day for me....

when i think back at the relationship, i realize it was toxic all the way through & i wasted nearly 2 years with a woman whom didn't really give that much of a f@ck about me

i guess she didn't want to be alone... and i was a safe bet for her...

man this girl was hot/cold, mean/keen on a constant basis

i could not got two weeks with her, without her creating some f@cked up drama...

i know i should be counting myself lucky, i finally got away... but i still miss the the good times..

got zero plates at the moment, but hitting the gym hard & getting into good shape!

 

[narcissist]

Welp it finally came.

Day f*ckin 60

I have not contacted my ex for 60 days.

There have been ups and there have been downs.

But I can tell you guys one thing,

I feel infinitely better than I did on day 1.

I have NO urge to contact my ex whatsoever. In fact I'm sure I don't even love her anymore.

Seeing as this is my big day of the no contact challenge I find it fitting to give some advice to you guys that helped me vastly and hopefully you guys can use my advice to get over your exes.

Advice #1 (most important): After you break up with your girlfriend it is absolutely CRUCIAL to be in a perpetual state of bettering yourself, every single day.

How this helped me: After I ended it with my ex I got back into working out hardcore 5-6 times a week, and I also started cramming down books like nothing, and studying majorly for my university courses. I went and bought new clothes, and started taking care of myself. This gave me a BASE CONFIDENCE and helped me realize that I'm better off alone in a perpetual state of bettering myself.

Advice #2 (This was the most challenging for me to comprehend, but i overcame it in the last 10 days of NC): DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT stalk her social media!!! THERE IS NOTHING ON THERE THAT WILL HELP YOU GET OVER HER. So either grab your balls and avoid her social media - if you have the will power. OR delete all of her social media all together (which is what i did).

How this helped me: For me this one was hard to grasp. But by day 45 I started stalking twice a day which was extremely unhealthy and made me think about her way to much. Thankfully I haven't been on her social media AT ALL in the past 9-10 days and honestly I cannot explain how the avoidance of her social media has helped me get over her. THIS IS CRUCIAL.

Advice #3: Last but not least. SPIN PLATES. Get another girl in your life. Not for dating, but for her pvssy.

How this helped me: Over the 60 days I've slept with 2 other girls and talked to probably 10 different girls who were interested in me. Keep in mind that I was out of the game for nearly 2 years prior to this, so I think this is great progress in my game, and it can only get better. Right now I'm talking to this girl who is making me forget ALL about my ex. We have fun, go on dates, all that good sh!t. (haven't fvcked yet, but will soon.) But spinning plates has helped me forget my ex by distracting me and helps me realize there are other girls just as good or even better then my ex.

CONCLUDING STATEMENTS ON NO CONTACT CHALLENGE:

Getting over an ex can be difficult and can be a horrible experience sometimes there is no doubt about that. So far in my experience, I have found that NO CONTACT is definitely the way to go. This challenge truly opened up my eyes to many things. Mainly, that grabbing your balls and eradicating your ex out of your life for good once they either breakup with you or they fvck up is BY FAR the best way to handle things. It saves you much heartache or at least minimizes it completely and helps you get back on your feet without having the ex keep staining your life, also makes you look like a boss (but you shouldnt care how you look to your ex lol).

Anyways I feel fantastic, and this past week has been exponentially healing. There was even a day or two when I didn't even think about her once. And when I do think about her its with the utmost ecstasy that I DO NOT have to deal with her again.

I will come back every 30 days to this thread and update until I reach 180 days then I will be done documenting my journey. I will remain no contact forever though.

I wish you all the luck on your endeavours fellow dj's and please for your own good do not contact your exes it does no good, and follow my advice!!!

Much love. And I thank all of you for your help!