The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Lotus Effect]

Another risk is that people will get into the mindset of thinking they can't change or there's not point in trying, and develop this defeatist attitude.

Yeah, this is really a limiting belief.

You put it inside your head, "No, I have a condition, so there's nothing I can do, I cannot change" and BAM, you have a great excuse for being a looser. Please world, have pity of me!

Although I'm really sad this last 4 days, I'm not giving up. In fact, I've been really focused on being the best man I can ever be. I've started a diet, I've enrolled a gym, I'm more focused on my Band, which is my passion, quit smoking, quit cocaine, have set new goals and how to achieve them, and most importantly, quit my dead end job!

But there is really somedays that are unbearable, you know it, you been through that, and I also did, It has been five months already, I've been worse than I'm know. But sometimes depression really kicks in, and it kicks hard.

Anyway, yours were great words for me to read, and for all the other guys as well. It is always good to be reminded that those are all limiting beliefes and lame excuses.

As stated before, by lots of people, myself included, You are a top Bloke Jariel!

As always, have a good one!

 

[Jariel]

Update:


It has been a while since I last checked in here, so thought I'd give an update. The break up still hurts and I still have low points, still have days where I wake up and miss her, but it's getting a lot easier and more managable now and I'm thinking of her less and focusing more on other aspects of my life.

I had my first date last weekend. I'd really been connecting with this girl and the date went really well. She was really into me and making it so obvious. Unfortunately, it's still a bit too soon for me and I found myself thinking of my ex a bit too much. We kissed at the end of the night and she invited me back to her place, but I didn't take her up on it. I just need a bit more time being single.

This idea of banging other chicks as a means to get over an ex really doesn't work for me. It just adds guilt and remorse. Although, I have to say it was reassuring to know I've still got it and she was so into me.

As for my ex, we've been communicating and we're clearing the air. I understand the break up much better now and it helps. We plan to meet up and just end things on good terms, which I'm happy to do. I know there's a risk of stirring up feelings again, but I'd much rather leave things on good terms with good memories than with the bitterness we ended on.

Meanwhile, I'm treating this whole thing as a learning experience and doing my best to improve from it. My original thinking was that I was too much of a pushover and I must stand up for myself and be more alpha etc etc, but now that I have clarity and understanding, I realise that I simply need to show more maturity and more emotional control. This is something I'm working on.

I just want to wish everyone here the best of luck and encourage you to stick with it. Life does get better if you stay strong and have faith.

 

[fuko2007]

TO: FALECOMNETTO

This was the same way this girl is. Met her great sex for a while she wanted to start hanging out and stuff and i didnt. So i went ghost, would get texts like you dropped off the face of the earth and hope you sort out whats going on in your life " saying i had problems when she barely knew me". Anyway i got back in touch with her had great sex for a while still did my own thing but i noticed it made her jelous as hell.

She would cry when i would leave a nd say things like im not just a crotch you know and just ball and say things suggestive of ending her life. So i turned around and gave her what she wanted. things went well for a while then the sex stopped. then she started wanting to go out with her close guy friends sometimes, all she has is guy friends. She would start fights and say i had a problem with that etc when i didnt. Then she just got to the point to where she didnt want to see me so i left.

Then a month later get an email saying she is in a bad place etc so i took the bait. Great sex for a while then three months later she started the same crap. She was push pull blame shifting has very low self value hot one second cold the next. So i did some digging she did the same to two other guys. Now im sure she is back to one of them right now. And it is one of the guy friends she would have to go to dinner with every now and then to keep him in orbit. But i took a step back and looked at what she was doing because i thought i was crazy.

She was using sex tto keep me around. Once that stoped she knew i would stay in hopes for it , but used me to stroke her ego. when we would go to this bar she would be all touchy feely with guys etc and i would call her on it. she would explode and say how the world is out to get her and why wont i let her have friends etc. When i would ask her to do something or what she was doing she would blow up. If i didnt talk to her and went and did something with my guy friends she would blow up. But it was ok in her mind to do what she wanted to do.

The list go's on and on my man, BPD is all i can say. Even my therapist said he thinks she is BPD with narcissistic tendencies. The funny thing is she a to go to a week long class on leadrship and had to take a test given by a professional and part of it was do you leave a wake a bad relationships behind you. 1 being none 5 being the worst. she got a 4 hahaha... that says something.

 

[Jariel]

Yeah, this is really a limiting belief.

You put it inside your head, "No, I have a condition, so there's nothing I can do, I cannot change" and BAM, you have a great excuse for being a looser. Please world, have pity of me!

Yep, I see this too often, even with close friends. But it's really good you see it too as it stops you falling into this same trap.

I know I have my issues and I try to identify them and then do all the research I can around it, watch motivational videos and read a lot. To be honest, just general faith and positive thinking solves a lot of these problems.

Although I'm really sad this last 4 days, I'm not giving up. In fact, I've been really focused on being the best man I can ever be. I've started a diet, I've enrolled a gym, I'm more focused on my Band, which is my passion, quit smoking, quit cocaine, have set new goals and how to achieve them, and most importantly, quit my dead end job!

Awesome! Massive respects to you. This will all pay off for you and it shows that your break up has been a really positive turning point too. Break ups and heartache can be some of the most valuable experiences of our lives if we take the right attitude and it sounds like this is what you're doing.

But there is really somedays that are unbearable, you know it, you been through that, and I also did, It has been five months already, I've been worse than I'm know. But sometimes depression really kicks in, and it kicks hard.

I know the feeling mate. I thought I was over the worst, but after my date the other night I came home and I started crying. I felt so low again, but I'm prepared for it now and I know one step at a time, it will get easier.

As stated before, by lots of people, myself included, You are a top Bloke Jariel!

As always, have a good one!

Thanks mate, I'm glad I can help. I've been so shaken up by my break up I totally get what everyone here is going through and am so glad if I can just offer some glimmer of hope or support.

You too mate. Keep on doing what you're doing and it'll all come right!

 

[Lotus Effect]

The funny thing is she a to go to a week long class on leadrship and had to take a test given by a professional and part of it was do you leave a wake a bad relationships behind you. 1 being none 5 being the worst. she got a 4 hahaha... that says something.

LOL! :crazy:

 

[Renegade357]

I'm sure a lot of you are dating crazy women. It's probably a lot easier to label her as crazy or bdp. I don't think my ex was perfect but I don't think she was borderline or anything like that. She was an honest sweet person. I think as much as it hurts my ego I have to admit to myself that she just wasn't as into me as I was into her. I knew this early on. I could see it in her eyes, she never talked about the future. She wasn't affectionate. So I ignored reality and tried to "game" it. Which probably bought me way more time with her than I would have gotten otherwise.

The imbalance in our relationship caused me to constantly have to pull back and try to be a challenge for her. I tried the constant push pull thing. I did this well for a year but she never gave in. Never an inch.

Eventually I got tired of it. I was with someone who wouldn't reciprocate. There was no spark in her eye when I met her for a date. A year of taking this caused me to do something really stupid. I told her "I love her" just to see her reaction. When I was disappointed in that (she didn't say it back) I did something even more stupid by confronting her about why she doesn't show she cares in the way I want her to.

This was the beginning of the end for us. Of course she denied everything but gave me no satisfaction. She simply said. "Why would I be here if I didn't want to be with you long term?" It was a cop out and I don't blame her for it.

I guess you have to put yourself in their shoes sometimes. Imagine having to deal with one of your rebound girls. You're having fun with her, things are ok but you don't see a future. How much are you going to give to that person to keep them around for your purposes? Probably the bare minimum. You don't want to hurt their feelings so when you break you act like it's their fault. "Oh, I think it's our age difference." "Oh, you said this which really made me mad and I just can't forgive you." It's never the real reason.

Sometimes we're just fighting a losing battle. When it comes down to it I should have gotten rid of her way earlier and found someone better for me. I'm doing that now. No girl is worth all that trouble.

 

[Renegade357]

Moral of my story. Get with a girl you like that TRULY likes you back!!! When they love you I promise you won't be confused about it or have to play games like I did.

LOL, I'd def say I'm in acceptance stage of my breakup. No contact is the shiiiiiizz

 

[Jariel]

Renegade: That's tough man, but you're totally right. This is why I think a lot of the tactics promoted on sites like this just don't work in relationships. There are a lot of ways you can lure a woman to you for the short term, but when it comes to the long term, that chemistry really has to be there.

But now you know this, you know what to look for.

 

[Renegade357]

There are a lot of ways you can lure a woman to you for the short term, but when it comes to the long term, that chemistry really has to be there.

Yes, and if you're in a situation where you hope that one day she will come around and see the light you're in trouble. Hope is for fools.

Get rid of them early guys. Be ruthless. There's a new bus every 15 minutes.

 

[Groverz]

Messed up and already broke the NC after about 4 days, was just txting to say hi and see how shes doing. Chatted a bit via texts nothing sappy just let her know im doing good and living life. It's really hard for me to keep NC, some of it is because I miss her dog a ton, we found her as a stray and I helped raise her so I am very attached to her, I guess like having a kid.

I am going out to a club tonight so hopefully will forget about it for a bit, I did sadly invite her out also and of course was turned down because she had plans.

Her loss

 

[Blazing]

Guys just wanted to say Im going NC once again. I broke NC thinking there was a possibility of getting back with my ex.

Let me just reiterate what has already been said here a thousand times. It will not work!

My ex and I talked even though the talk almost didn't happen. She turned into a super *****. Said I was being clingy etc eventhough I was just asking to clear things up. Like she went off for no reason via text. But eventually I got her to answer that she couldn't handle us being together that it wouldn't work.

I think I handled it well. Said I was grateful for our time together wished her the best said no hard feelings, that one day we'd both find someone that made us happy.

Guys if you're going through a rough breakup just think that by being stuck in the nostalgia of a dead relationship YOU are holding yourself back from finding a girl that is even better than the last one

 

[Renegade357]

Guys just wanted to say Im going NC once again. I broke NC thinking there was a possibility of getting back with my ex.

Let me just reiterate what has already been said here a thousand times. It will not work!

Yeah, because after you are dumped you start off by default in a position of weakness. The only reason you contacted her is because you want her back and she's not contacting you. You're really trying to force something to happen that isn't there. The only way to get them back is to do so on your terms. I doubt any of us will be able to pull that off. Even if you would have handled the breakup like a pro they're not very good at seeing the light. Reality is you don't dump or breakup with somebody you are in love with unless they commit a mortal sin.

 

[Blazing]

Yessir. In my case my ex is the one that broke NC. But lets be real here, there is a reason you are not with your ex anymore. It didn't just magically happen. You have to accept that there are better option out there for you. It's up to you to find them

 

[fuko2007]

Day 5 or something, lastnight sucked. All i could think about was if she was at this party. Got on fb to check email and saw some pics but she was not in any of them. She is camera shy anyway, i know this weekend is going to suck especially sunday bc we always hung out on the weekends and watched our shows sunday night. Oh well, ive got to go take this last written test in a second. Hope yalls day is going to better than mine.

 

[Machtwo]

I'd def say I'm in acceptance stage of my breakup. No contact is the shiiiiiizz

Get rid of them early guys. Be ruthless. There's a new bus every 15 minutes.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Yessir. In my case my ex is the one that broke NC...

So sad to hear it man...

But I guess back some posts you were warned no to fall into the trap.

In fact, it doesn't really matter who breaks NC. The fact is, she is the dumper, and you are the dumpee. As Renegade said, we are all coming from a lower position. My ex broke NC twice already. It's up me to take the bait, which I haven't and will not.

Anyway, it's sad how things worked out for you. Welcome aboard again!

- - - - - - - - -

In another story, I just want to say that today I'm really furious, but actually, I'm feeling better. I'm less shaky, and my chest is not hurting so much. Almost not hurting at all.

All of this, because yesterday I went to a bar, and I've saw no one else but the dude that f**ked my Ex.

There he was, oh so happy, flirting with two other girls, like nothing has ever happened. The dude that f**ked my life over, was over there... happy!

I got so mad that I made a promise to myself (I am filled with hatred and disgust btw).

In the beggining, my goal was to become the best man I could ever be, so that one day, she would look up to me and think (or say) "Damn, what the F have I done?"

Then, my goal shifted to a lighter path, where I was to become a better man, the best I could be. Period. The problem with this path, is that it lacked motivation, a sense o purpose and a goal... and so I slacked the last couple of weeks.

Now I have it pretty clear in my mind, a darker path. I will make them pay the same amount o pain I've suffered. Both of them. Each one in an especific way.

As I can see now, life is divided in 3 circles. Financial Health, Physical Health and Mental Health.

For her, I am going to be the most tenacious DJ ever (Mental Health), while also using all this knowlegde to improve my carreer in sales ($ Health). I'll be The best so I can watch her sorry ass chasing me like donkey chases a carrot in a stick. :kick:
You guys can follow my posts from now on, 'cause this s**t is going down.

As for the dude, I'm going to train my wimp body to the maximum, mantain a good diet and also begin boxing classes (Physical Health), so I can break that scumbag face in half.:trouble:
Yeah! Revenge! The darker path... The path for destruction.

Some might say, "Dude, it's not going to take you anywhere, you will only find more pain and regret". They may be right, but this gave me a clear purpose. A goal, a mean to an end.

That is why I'm optmistic today. Because now I have a motive to get there. Who knows when I get there if these maggots, these insects, will still pollute my mind. Who knows.

What I know now is that I got a purpose to become the best that I can be, and if that wasn't the case, I knew I would slack midway!

Today, I found anger. But also aceptance. And specially, forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself. I've been blaming myself for so long about the breakup. F**k the breakup, f**k Clara, f**k 'em all. They are insolent little creatures, that will walk in this earth like all the others. Insignificant. Ordinary. Mediocre.

Not me, nor any of us in here. We have something they lack. We have inner strenght, we have backbone, we have knowlegde. We have thirst for learning. Otherwise, none of us would be in here.

In fact, I just hit enlightment righ now! Instead of using all this rage, anger, confusion, sadness in trying to plot ('cause many of us are here to plot. I know I was) on how to get back with Ex's. Instead, we should be using all these feelings to leverage our own selfs.

They do not deserve our love, nor respect. They are cheaty, liars, heartless, indifferent, cold... Mean. We on the other hand are men of value. We value love, respect, honor, honesty. We are men of character. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here trying to "fix ourselfs". If we were low men, destined for mediocrity we wouldn't give a flying f**k about it.

This is all coming from the heart. Anger... It is a usefull feeling after all.

Jesus... At f**king last! I am finally in peace with myself!

Best of luck to all! =)

 

[Renegade357]

Yessir. In my case my ex is the one that broke NC. But lets be real here, there is a reason you are not with your ex anymore. It didn't just magically happen. You have to accept that there are better option out there for you. It's up to you to find them

Ok yeah I forgot your ex was the one who was flirting with you and talking with you during the day. I think one mistake you made was bringing up the breakup with her. If I was you and my ex was flirting with me like that I would have asked her to come over for dinner and wine. If she said yes then you know you're in the game. If no then you just don't talk to her again until she talks to you. If you do get together act like nothing happened. Light and funny at all times. Then after the date I wouldn't call her, I'd let her contact me. You wanna avoid getting heavy with them because it's a losing proposition. You can't argue with a chick haha.

 

[mkj1990]

Nice to hear that things are starting to work out for you, falecomnetto.

Personally I'm keeping my self busy with friends and family to keep my mind of things. Trying not to sit at home to much. Celebrated my fathers birthday yesterday and meeting some friends today. It helps!

This morning was also quite good, but I know these things are like a roller coaster. One day life is great, and the next one it is ****e.

 

[Cali-83]

As for the dude, I'm going to train my wimp body to the maximum, mantain a good diet and also begin boxing classes (Physical Health), so I can break that scumbag face in half.:trouble:
Yeah! Revenge! The darker path... The path for destruction.

I understand where you're at and everyone wants revenge on someone that did you wrong. But I don't think it is healthy to seek revenge in the manner of breaking his face. As sick and twisted as it sounds he did you a favor if your chick cheated on you with him then you shouldn't want to be with her in the first place.

If it wasn't him it would be another guy then another guy. It was bound to happen. The best revenge is to be the best person you can be and show both of them how great of a person you are. Get fit and think of you and what makes you happy, and you will be. These type of people are not happy even if they seam like they are on the surface. Instead of destroying this guy thank him forgive her and keep your chin up and eyes open because the bus is coming you just need to be in the right place to hop on.

 

[Lotus Effect]

This morning was also quite good, but I know these things are like a roller coaster. One day life is great, and the next one it is ****e.

Tell me about it... Sometimes I feel like life has been sucked out of me. It's really hard being attached to someone so incosiderate.
Anyway, day 23 of NC!

...As sick and twisted as it sounds he did you a favor if your chick cheated on you with him then you shouldn't want to be with her in the first place.
...
If it wasn't him it would be another guy then another guy. It was bound to happen...

That is true, and I don't deny it at all. He indeed made me a favor!

She is a cheaty viper, and it would happened eventually. But facing the dude infuriated me to my core.

And I know they are both shallow, and aren't worthy of my time. And I know for a fact that she is a sl*t, but I'm sorry Cali-83, and I guess this is a commandement, but you do not mess with another dude's woman. (And walk away with that...)

I know this may sound too overdramatic, but he will pay for this. And so is she.
Each one in the way they most deserve!

He made me a favor, I'm just going to pay it back.
I had an eye opening experience thanks to him, so who knows what an eye opening experience he may have after that.
(It's probably going to be literally an eye opening experience hahaha)

Thx guys!