Some Questions

[Purple-Haze]

And I don't believe you. Anyone who would marry someone she isn't in love with is lying (or doesn't know herself well enough) when she says that.

EDIT: OK, you might not divorce. But you WOULD probably cheat on the side.

You are wrong. You assume I had the same upbringing as you, that I grew up in a similar environment...well I didn't.

I was ready to marry my ex because I didn't know any better. I had assumed, at the time, that there was something wrong with me (that I was incapable of romantic love).

And I would never cheat on someone. I had many opportunities to step out on my ex while I was with him and I did not. Near the end of our relationship I was away from him (so this gave me more of a chance to cheat), still I didn't.

The ONLY times I engaged in any "tehe" talk with a man was when my ex and I had taken a break and agreed to see other people (which lasted about a week).

Cheaters are viewed with absolute disgust in my family (and my community for that matter). I'd not only have to bear the shame of my friends but the pain of my family also. I love my family above all else. There is no way in hell I'd do something like that to them.

Plus, I find cheating to be very tacky. You are lying to someone (keeping them in the dark, making them look like a big loser) and you are running around like a little wh0re living in a fantasy world. That is just not my style. And believe it or not, I know MANY other females like this.

 

[##17]

You are wrong. You assume I had the same upbringing as you, that I grew up in a similar environment...well I didn't.

I was ready to marry my ex because I didn't know any better. I had assumed, at the time, that there was something wrong with me (that I was incapable of romantic love).

And I would never cheat on someone. I had many opportunities to step out on my ex while I was with him and I did not. Near the end of our relationship I was away from him (so this gave me more of a chance to cheat), still I didn't.

The ONLY times I engaged in any "tehe" talk with a man was when my ex and I had taken a break and agreed to see other people (which lasted about a week).

Cheaters are viewed with absolute disgust in my family (and my community for that matter). I'd not only have to bear the shame of my friends but the pain of my family also. I love my family above all else. There is no way in hell I'd do something like that to them.

Plus, I find cheating to be very tacky. You are lying to someone (keeping them in the dark, making them look like a big loser) and you are running around like a little wh0re living in a fantasy world. That is just not my style. And believe it or not, I know MANY other females like this.

Wow, ANOTHER woman who says 'she isn't like that'.

You think I'm a jerk right now, don't you. Well Purple, in all seriousness, here's what was likely to happen. First of all, you get so frustrated with the guy for not being able to handle your emotional outbreaks and for failing your tests that you lose all respect for him, and become very difficult for him to live with. Sex stops. And now your marriage has become a breeding ground for divorce or cheating just as Iraq is a breeding ground for terrorists.

Next, a few things would have been likely to happen:

(1) Your husband might have ended up divorcing YOU, citing your difficult behavior. This might also bring shame upon your morally upstanding family and community that not all of us are privileged to be part of.

(2) Or you meet someone, say at work, whom you just feel a strong attraction for, an attraction that you just weren't feeling for your husband. There's something about his male energy that appeals to you. Now, for the longest time you resist acting upon this, but he's persistent. And his compliments and attention make you feel like a woman in ways that your husband never did. Eventually you just give in to your emotions and 'something happens'. You say that this could never happen but even you have admitted that you are an emotional person and that this has gotten you into trouble. Not passing judgement or anything, no one is perfect.

Believe me when I tell you that you were this close to becoming a divorced woman.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Wow, ANOTHER woman who says 'she isn't like that'.

You think I'm a jerk right now, don't you. Well Purple, in all seriousness, here's what was likely to happen. First of all, you get so frustrated with the guy for not being able to handle your emotional outbreaks and for failing your tests that you lose all respect for him, and become very difficult for him to live with. Sex stops. And now your marriage has become a breeding ground for divorce or cheating just as Iraq is a breeding ground for terrorists.

No, I don't think you're a jerk...I just think you've met a lot of women who are cheaters (therefore reinforcing your belief that every woman is capable of cheating).

While the romantic part of my R was dead, I was otherwise happy with my ex. I knew the kind of life I was in for and it was fine by me. Now if I went into it hoping for something more, then I suppose we would've had a great deal of marital strife, but that wasn't the case. He and I had discussed our situation quite a bit and both had an understanding.

Next, a few things would have been likely to happen:

(1) Your husband might divorce YOU, and cite your difficult behavior. This might also bring shame upon your morally upstanding family and community that not all of us are privileged to be part of.

My ex was a Catholic. He is even more against divorce than I am. This was very unlikely to happen.

My apologies for coming off as a morally smug snob (which I realize was the tone that came out in my previous post). I was just trying to provide you with some background info (not to talk down to you or imply that I am somehow better than you - that was not my intention).

(2) Or you meet someone, say at work, whom you just feel a strong attraction for, an attraction that you just weren't feeling for your husband. There's something about his male energy that appeals to you. Now, for the longest time you resist acting upon this, but then you just give in to your emotions and 'something happens'. You say that this could never happen but even you have admitted that you are an emotional person and that this has gotten you into trouble. Not passing judgement or anything, no one is perfect.

Believe me when I tell you that you were this close to becoming a divorced woman.

You seem to gloss over two important factors I stated in my previous post: (1) I have a personal aversion to cheating (not because I'm taking the moral high ground, but I cheating to be gross) and (2) if I was the sort to retort to that kind of stuff, it would've happened already.

Yes, I am an emotional person. However, there are certain boundaries I do not cross, cheating is one of them.

 

[##17]

You seem to gloss over two important factors I stated in my previous post: (1) I have a personal aversion to cheating (not because I'm taking the moral high ground, but I cheating to be gross) and (2) if I was the sort to retort to that kind of stuff, it would've happened already.

Yes, I am an emotional person. However, there are certain boundaries I do not cross, cheating is one of them.

And I apologize if I came across judgemental. I was not trying to single you out as amoral.

I respect your personal aversion to cheating. And I do realize that you had opportunities to cheat, but you did not. I will say again though, is that much stronger temptations are likely to come at you, and passion is a very hard thing to resist, unless you are getting it from your primary relationship.

 

[Purple-Haze]

And I apologize if I came across judgemental. I was not trying to single you out as amoral.

I do realize that you had opportunities to cheat, but you did not. I will say again though, is that much stronger temptations are likely to come at you, and passion is a very hard thing to resist (unless you are getting it from your primary relationship).

Stronger temptations may come my way, but they may come the way of my future husband too.

As naive as I may sound, I know I wouldn't cheat. Didn't before and won't now or in the future.

But I understand what you are trying to say. Never say never.























NEVER! :moon:

 

[##17]

Stronger temptations may come my way, but they may come the way of my future husband too.

As naive as I may sound, I know I wouldn't cheat. Didn't before and won't now or in the future.

But I understand what you are trying to say. Never say never.












NEVER! :moon:

LOL. Anyway, the good thing is that this was all a hypothetical discussion. You're in a good relationship now with a man you're in love with. And what matters is you're willing to confront your issues and you're doing the work to grow as a person and a partner.

I read a few more posts on this thread. This guy actually sounds something like the way I was in my last serious relationship. There were a lot of times I felt smothered, and it affected the passion I felt for her. If I can give any relationship advice...a guy needs to have the opportunity to pursue you. Next time he tries to initiate sex, tell him seductively the only way he'll get to have you is if he catches you, carries you back on the bed, and takes your clothes off himself. Then run and make him catch you. And when he does, try to escape! He doesn't get any until he's pinned you down naked. Make him prove how much he wants you.

My two pennies...

 

[Purple-Haze]

LOL. Anyway, the good thing is that this was all a hypothetical discussion. You're in a good relationship now with a man you're in love with. And what matters is you're willing to confront your issues and you're doing the work to grow as a person and a partner.

I read a few more posts on this thread. This guy actually sounds something like the way I was in my last serious relationship. There were a lot of times I felt smothered, and it affected the passion I felt for her. If I can give any relationship advice...a guy needs to have the opportunity to pursue you. Next time he tries to initiate sex, tell him seductively the only way he'll get to have you is if he catches you, carries you back on the bed, and takes your clothes off himself. And when he does, try to escape! Make him prove how much he wants you.

My two pennies...

You are right. I know he has found my aggression a bit overwhelming at times (what can I say, I am new at this and very eager to learn...so I sort of pounced on him like a little kitten). He told me that the nagging made it worse (and my constantly *****ing about him not initiating). He swore that this had nothing to do with his attraction for me... For now, I believe him.

I intend to seduce HIM this summer. You know, be coy but sexy. Let's hope I can manage that.

May I ask why you were like this with your previous partner? Any particular reasons?

EDIT: I missed the part about her smothering you (how funny is that). So she was in your face all the time and you experienced a decrease in passion huh. Yeah, this is similiar to what happened to us a few months ago... Not good. I really want to declingify myself. Here's to hoping.

 

[##17]

You are right. I know he has found my aggression a bit overwhelming at times (what can I say, I am new at this and very eager to learn...so I sort of pounced on him like a little kitten). He told me that the nagging made it worse (and my constantly *****ing about him not initiating). He swore that this had nothing to do with his attraction for me... For now, I believe him.

I intend to seduce HIM this summer. You know, be coy but sexy. Let's hope I can manage that.

May I ask why you were like this with your previous partner? Any particular reasons?

Please don't misunderstand, she has a lot of wonderful qualities and overall she was a great girlfriend. She could be very clingy. We'd be out and she would always be grabbing my arm. It never gave me a chance to initiate. And she NEVER said no to sex nor challenged me to get it. That actually irritated me as well. As guys, we do like to pursue at least sometimes. That's what makes a new woman so exciting, because we don't know if sex will happen or not. Anyway, I actually found myself WISHING another guy would hit on her, strange as it might sound. It would actually make me feel MORE alpha, as in "I have a devoted girlfriend whom others guy want. Cool. Guess I'm really the man here..."

You need to understand something about men: We like freedom. Losing it scares us. What was going on through my conscious mind when she was clingy was "She seems serious. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I don't want to hurt her or lead her on. So I'll just sort of hold back." If your current boyfriend is of 'high character', something similar might be going on through his mind. That's not good for your relationship.

By the way, why are you long-distance?

 

[LeftyLoosey]

I think Haze is looking to see if her man will fight for her.
She wants to know if he will protect her.

She is trying to see how much value he has invested in the relationship and sees in her.
She is trying to gauge his IL and his ability to demonstrate a masculine trait of protection, assertiveness, and as she said it, being territorial.
Since he acted so unemotional , she felt disappointed because she had hoped to feel some of that masculine characteristic she was looking for.

By him acting aloof in some ways, she perhaps feels he doesnt value the relationship highly or her, and she maybe feels that should she be presented an opportunity to swing branches, he would not protest.
This makes her feel like she may be overinvesting in the realtionship.
So she cant find a steady ground with him.
Bascially, she may be feeling :"If he doesnt give a sh*t about me, why is he with me? And why am I with him?"
So she may begin to doubt herself.
For many women, feeling their partner's masculine strength is reassuring, and attractive to them. They like to see it and feel it often.
She seems to want to feel something deep and primal. Something that the unreactive guy may not be demonstrating enough to her.


But it is important to keep looking deeper into Haze's motivation to want to see these things.

Just my two.

This explanation bothered me when I read it. The other DJs in this thread correctly interpreted the fact that PH was sh!t testing her BF and that he responded correctly, like a DJ. Interceptor on the otherhand has taken PH's side and tried to justify her feelings. I knew by PH's reaction to his reponse that there was something wrong about it.... she liked it too much!

Here's the problem with it, by her BF showing his masculinity, he's ceding some of the power in the relationship back to her. He's basically showing her that he values her, thus giving her a little more pull in the relationship. By not being certain of how much he cares, she has no choice but to make more of an effort to win him over. You'll notice on the last page of this thread that PH says she's on a mission to seduce him this summer. The only reason why she's assigned herself such a mission is because by not "demonstrating his masculinity" he still holds the power. In fact, he HAS demonstrated his masculinity by implying that he has more value than her, so she has to try to win him over.

This is a textbook demonstration of the power struggle that Rollo talks about so often. PH is trying to win that power back but nothing she tries is working. She will not leave him because of this. If she does, it's because she has some insecurity issues that her level-headed boyfriend isn't meeting. No loss to him if she leaves.

 

[Purple-Haze]

She could be very clingy. We'd be out and she would always be grabbing my arm. It never gave me a chance to initiate. And she NEVER said no to sex nor challenged me to get it. That actually irritated me as well. As guys, we do like to pursue at least sometimes. That's what makes a new woman so exciting, because we don't know if sex will happen or not. Anyway, I actually found myself WISHING another guy would hit on her, strange as it might sound. It would actually make me feel MORE alpha, as in "I have a devoted girlfriend whom others guy want. Cool. Guess I'm really the man here..."

I am not "very" clingy. I like my own space and am not up in his face all the time. HOWEVER, when it comes to sex, I was a little too eager. Because he was my first, I didn't really know how to react/behave. So I kind of went crazy and dove right in. I never turned him down and was always up for a romp. At first I was shy... Then, within days, I was a total monster. He seemed to like this quite a bit at first and was taken aback... Then he started to back off. I just never gave him a chance to initiate.

When I think back to the times when he was really into it, it was usually when I was a bit more submissive and coy. I guess he likes the thrill of the chase.

You need to understand something about men: We like freedom. Losing it scares us. What was going on through my conscious mind was "She seems serious. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I don't want to hurt her or lead her on. So I'll just sort of hold back." If your current boyfriend is of 'high character', something similar might be going on through his mind.

This isn't really a problem in my case as he's expressed wanting to marry me. In fact, he's probably more serious about getting married than I am (which is not to say that I don't want to marry him).

You know what's funny? He began to call me Elmira after a while... You know that crazy little girl from Tiny Toons. The crazy thing is, I found that to be flattering (in a cute, aww kind of way). :nervous:

By the way, why are you long-distance?

School.

 

[##17]

She could be very clingy. We'd be out and she would always be grabbing my arm. It never gave me a chance to initiate. And she NEVER said no to sex nor challenged me to get it. That actually irritated me as well. As guys, we do like to pursue at least sometimes. That's what makes a new woman so exciting, because we don't know if sex will happen or not. Anyway, I actually found myself WISHING another guy would hit on her, strange as it might sound. It would actually make me feel MORE alpha, as in "I have a devoted girlfriend whom others guy want. Cool. Guess I'm really the man here..."

I am not "very" clingy. I like my own space and am not up in his face all the time. HOWEVER, when it comes to sex, I was a little too eager. Because he was my first, I didn't really know how to react/behave. So I kind of went crazy and dove right in. I never turned him down and was always up for a romp. At first I was shy... Then, within days, I was a total monster. He seemed to like this quite a bit at first and was taken aback... Then he started to back off. I just never gave him a chance to initiate.

When I think back to the times when he was really into it, it was usually when I was a bit more submissive and coy. I guess he likes the thrill of the chase.

You need to understand something about men: We like freedom. Losing it scares us. What was going on through my conscious mind was "She seems serious. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I don't want to hurt her or lead her on. So I'll just sort of hold back." If your current boyfriend is of 'high character', something similar might be going on through his mind.

This isn't really a problem in my case as he's expressed wanting to marry me. In fact, he's probably more serious about getting married than I am (which is not to say that I don't want to marry him).

You know what's funny? He began to call me Elmira after a while... You know that crazy little girl from Tiny Toons. The crazy thing is, I found that to be flattering (in a cute, aww kind of way). :nervous:

By the way, why are you long-distance?

School.

Well, that was my perspective. Hopefully it helped...

If you don't mind my asking, how close are you to finishing? And how often do you see each other?

 

[Purple-Haze]

This explanation bothered me when I read it. The other DJs in this thread correctly interpreted the fact that PH was sh!t testing her BF and that he responded correctly, like a DJ. Interceptor on the otherhand has taken PH's side and tried to justify her feelings. I knew by PH's reaction to his reponse that there was something wrong about it.... she liked it too much!

Well Lefty, the reason I liked his post was because it accurately explained what I was feeling. I wanted my bf to assert the fact that I am his (as I've said time and time again on this thread). Are you saying that because I agreed with his post that this somehow proves his post was wrong?

Here's the problem with it, by her BF showing his masculinity, he's ceding some of the power in the relationship back to her. He's basically showing her that he values her, thus giving her a little more pull in the relationship. By not being certain of how much he cares, she has no choice but to make more of an effort to win him over. You'll notice on the last page of this thread that PH says she's on a mission to seduce him this summer. The only reason why she's assigned herself such a mission is because by not "demonstrating his masculinity" he still holds the power. In fact, he HAS demonstrated his masculinity by implying that he has more value than her, so she has to try to win him over.

You are right. The more he resists, the more likely I am to wonder what the heck is going and try to take action. I've since learned that asking him about it isn't going to help. I just have to do something about it (i.e. seduce him in the summer).

You make it sound as if I were this love-starved puppy following him around all day. This is hardly the case. He is as much into this R as I am. He has said time and time again that something keeps drawing him closer to me. So I obviously have some kind of pull, some kind of value, right? I am not trying to puff myself up for you, but trying to show you that all is not in just his hands. I too share some of the power/control here.

This is a textbook demonstration of the power struggle that Rollo talks about so often. PH is trying to win that power back but nothing she tries is working. She will not leave him because of this. If she does, it's because she has some insecurity issues that her level-headed boyfriend isn't meeting. No loss to him if she leaves.

I won't leave him because I love him. He has good morals and values and will make a good father. And of course, I am insanely attracted to him (because he is very witty and charming).

If I do leave him, it won't be over something like this. I'm not an idiot. I know a good thing when I see it. So does he. If I leave, it will be a loss for him. He's dated other women before and hasn't been happy with any of them. He is with me (despite the drama). So obviously the non-dramatic psycho part of me is doing something right, right?

I hope I'm not coming across as some kind of delusional bimbo who is telling you she has her man eating out of the palm of her hand. I just want you to get a clearer view of things. This R is a bit more balanced that you think it is.

And thank you for responding.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Well, that was my perspective. Hopefully it helped...

If you don't mind my asking, how close are you to finishing? And how often do you see each other?

I have a year left. My program is a bit intense so I am not able to fly home to see him (we live 3k+ miles apart).

Come next year around this time, we'll be together on a permanent basis.

And yes, your posts did help. It confirms that I have to give him the chance to chase me. He doesn't enjoy being chased all the time - I think it bores him.

 

[##17]

This explanation bothered me when I read it. The other DJs in this thread correctly interpreted the fact that PH was sh!t testing her BF and that he responded correctly, like a DJ. Interceptor on the otherhand has taken PH's side and tried to justify her feelings. I knew by PH's reaction to his reponse that there was something wrong about it.... she liked it too much!

Here's the problem with it, by her BF showing his masculinity, he's ceding some of the power in the relationship back to her. He's basically showing her that he values her, thus giving her a little more pull in the relationship. By not being certain of how much he cares, she has no choice but to make more of an effort to win him over. You'll notice on the last page of this thread that PH says she's on a mission to seduce him this summer. The only reason why she's assigned herself such a mission is because by not "demonstrating his masculinity" he still holds the power. In fact, he HAS demonstrated his masculinity by implying that he has more value than her, so she has to try to win him over.

This is a textbook demonstration of the power struggle that Rollo talks about so often. PH is trying to win that power back but nothing she tries is working. She will not leave him because of this. If she does, it's because she has some insecurity issues that her level-headed boyfriend isn't meeting. No loss to him if she leaves.

I think Interceptor's response was spot on. When a woman 'tests' a man, it is usually to (a) feel his power by his willingness to stand up to her, and (b) his investment in the relationship, his willingness to protect her.

 

[##17]

I have a year left. My program is a bit intense so I am not able to fly home to see him (we live 3k+ miles apart).

Come next year around this time, we'll be together on a permanent basis.

And yes, your posts did help. It confirms that I have to give him the chance to chase me. He doesn't enjoy being chased all the time - I think it bores him.

Cool! A woman with big goals is always nice. May I ask what you're in school for?

 

[Purple-Haze]

Cool! A woman with big goals is always nice. May I ask what you're in school for?

...

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Well Lefty, the reason I liked his post was because it accurately explained what I was feeling. I wanted my bf to assert the fact that I am his (as I've said time and time again on this thread). Are you saying that because I agreed with his post that this somehow proves his post was wrong?

It's not that he was wrong, it's that he doesn't fully appreciate WHY you want the reaction that you do.

You make it sound as if I were this love-starved puppy following him around all day. This is hardly the case. He is as much into this R as I am. He has said time and time again that something keeps drawing him closer to me. So I obviously have some kind of pull, some kind of value, right?

That's fine, but I can tell by your responses that even though you're telling me this, you don't really believe it. You want him to validate you because you're not completely sure he values you.

If I leave, it will be a loss for him. He's dated other women before and hasn't been happy with any of them. He is with me (despite the drama). So obviously the non-dramatic psycho part of me is doing something right, right?

I don't know, what do you think? What do you HONESTLY think? Are you doing things right or are you scaring him off?

 

[##17]

Cool. Good for you.

 

[Purple-Haze]

It's not that he was wrong, it's that he doesn't fully appreciate WHY you want the reaction that you do.

I wanted that reaction because I wanted to know that he sees me as his. Why else do you think I wanted a reaction out of him?

That's fine, but I can tell by your responses that even though you're telling me this, you don't really believe it. You want him to validate you because you're not completely sure he values you.

I know he values me. It's a question of how much. Plus, I like being told. Is there anything wrong with that?

I don't know, what do you think? What do you HONESTLY think? Are you doing things right or are you scaring him off?

I know that my core personality is something he is very attracted to (he was then and he is now). However, the nagging and outbursts have got to go. Like I said, I've begun to change that and I see a change in his behaviour as a result of this.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Cool. Good for you.

Thanks 17!

Now I sit and wait for the summer to come, so I can DJ him.